The 24 Types of New York Drivers
©1990 by Rob Diamond and Andy Cohen
- Stanley Speed - He tailgates you, you speed up to 80, he's still right behind you.
- Marvin Maniac - Cuts back and forth between cars, zipping with inches to spare.
- Nanny Nincompoop - Drives 30 in the left lane. Nuf Sed.
- Cutoff Charlie - The Self Appointed Guardian of Truth, Justice, and Agonizingly
Slow Driving. If he senses that someone is in danger of going any speed approaching
normal, he will cut in front of them and slow down.
- BrakeCheck Bart - He makes you have a cow, by suddenly and without warning, slamming on his brakes.
- Harley Charlie - A slightly worse version of Marvin Maniac. He has a
motorcycle, and cuts between cars, over the curb, on the grass, etc...
- Racy Dave - He has to show off his brand-new, 750 horsepower, super-turbo,
.01 MPG, 140 decibel Monster Machine. He will do this at a traffic light by revving
the engine 'till it makes a Concorde seem quiet, then taking off in a cloud of dust,
clutch pads, and smelly, oily auto exhaust, then coming to a stop at the next light
20 yards ahead.
- Bassdrum Billy Washington - His rap beat can be felt a mile away!
- Blockade Bernie and Bernadette - They will pace each other on a multilane road,
so you can't pass them.
- Tollbooth Tony - He sits at the exact change booth for twenty minutes before he
realizes it's not going to take the dollar bill he's holding at the machine.
He then takes another twenty minutes finding change and tossing it to the machine.
He then waits until the light is solidly green before finally taking off at a pace that
makes snails jealous.
- Small-change Sally - She's not a driver, but a road hazard nonetheless. She takes
the ten-dollar bill you gave her for the two-dollar toll, and returns five singles,
6 quarters, 6 dimes, and seventeen nickels.
- Choo-Choo Charlie - He enjoys driving slow on a one-lane road and watching
the choo-choo train building up behind him.
- Windy Wendy - She's coming up behind you so fast her headlights are blue-shifted.
Her car is but a blur as you watch her pass at 150 MPH, compared to the
snail's-pace 80 you're going. Her registration probably lists rest mass instead
of weight.
- Swerving Irving or Pick-A-Lane Jane - As you attempt to pass them, they move
halfway into your lane so you either have to slam on your brakes or drive on the grass.
- "Where do I go?" Joe - He is trying to find his directions. He can't seem to find
house number 115 with the bright purple mack truck parked in front.
- Gary Gawker - Whenever anything happens to change things, like an accident on the
other side, a car pulled over, a leaf falling off a tree fifty yards ahead,
he will sloooooooow down to look at it.
- Wake-up Wally - He got up early today. Yawwn-Oops!
- Make-up Madge - Thinks her face is a paint-by-number kit on the way to work.
- Hollerin' Homer - The roadway editorialist. He colorfully reviews everyone's driving.
- Luscious Lisa - Rides in the car with an Ultra-Mini Skirt and makes sure to keep her
legs up on the dashboard to add to the traffic problem.
- Blinker Bob - He's making a perpetual left turn around the world, but never even
changes lanes.
- Lopsided Larry - His car looks like he's got Fat Aunt Bertha in the left side of
the trunk.
- Moron Moe - He's driving backwards on the parkway because he missed his exit.
- Hesitating Hilda - At traffic lights, she waits for a particular shade of green
before going and at entrances to highways, she stops at the end of the ramp and waits for a personal invitation to get on.
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