This is my adaptation of the classic "ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY" article generally attributed to Robert Benchley's edited manuscript of Morton Thompson's original recipe. I have trimmed out all the light commentary, drink recipes, etc. I find the original article highly entertaining, but it can be confusing. This version is much less engaging, but easier to follow. I have also made a few modifications to the recipe to reflect my own practice, but I think the differences are negligible, except that I have radically increased the amount of egg paste required to coat the bird properly. The original recipe doesn't call for nearly enough. (And not just according to me; I've seen this comment inserted into several versions of the recipe.) I have also added a gravy recipe that has served me extremely well over the years. This turkey / stuffing / gravy recipe is a major project. On Thanksgiving Day, I pretty much do this and my wife does *everything* else, and it's a pretty even division of labor, at least the pre-meal labor. Still, I do it again and again year after year because I get really spectacular results just about every time. THE RECIPE Get a turkey that is as large as reasonably possible, preferably the largest bird that will fit in your oven, between 20-30 pounds, 16 as an absolute minimum. Required / recommended ingredients: 1 turkey salt garlic 10 eggs 1 apple 1 orange 1 lrg can crushed pineapple 1 lemon 4 lrg onions 6 celery stalks plenty of preserved ginger 2 cans Chinese water chestnuts 3 packages unseasoned bread crumbs "some" all-purpose flour (maybe 1/4 cup or so required) One pound of meat: 3/4 lb ground veal OR 1 lb ground sausage 1/4 lb ground pork 1/4 lb butter onion juice 1 qt apple cider 1/2 - 1 btl cheap white or red wine (preferably white, and not "cooking wine" or sherry); cider may be substituted if you really, really want that instead Spice List (fresh, where possible): basil bay leaf caraway seed celery seed chili powder cloves ground coriander mace marjoram dry mustard onion powder oregano parsley pepper, black poultry seasoning poppy seed rosemary (this really should be fresh) sage savory Tabasco thyme turmeric PREPARE THE BROTH Pull the neck and giblets out of the turkey, chop the giblets finely and put them, along with the neck (unchopped) into a large saucepan with 5 cups of water a couple of cloves of garlic (chopped) a bay leaf 1/2 tsp coriander 1 tsp of salt a couple of sprigs of fresh rosemary, if you have it Cover and heat this nearly to boiling, then turn it down to simmer for pretty much the rest of the day (until it's time to make the gravy). As the water evaporates during the day, replace it with cheap white or red wine (or cider) and/or water. (I use about 2/3 wine and 1/3 water.) PRE-PREPARE THE TURKEY Rub the bird inside and out with butter, then salt and pepper. Set it aside until you are ready to stuff it. MIX THE STUFFING In a skillet, brown the meat (sausage, or veal and pork) with one chopped onion three or four cloves of garlic 1 tsp sage 1 tsp black pepper 1/2 tsp chili powder Drain off the resulting grease and put the meat/onion/etc. mix into a really huge bowl. Add the following, mixing well: one diced apple one diced orange a large can of crushed pineapple the grated rind of one lemon three tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger 2 small cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts When these major ingredients are mixed, add (continuing to mix well): 2 tsp hot dry mustard 2 tsp caraway seed 2 tsp celery seed 2 tsp poppy seed 1 tsp black pepper 2 1/2 tsp oregano 1/2 tsp mace 1/2 tsp turmeric 1/2 tsp marjoram 1/2 tsp savory 3/4 tsp sage 3/4 tsp thyme 1/4 tsp basil 1/4 tsp chili powder 1 Tbsp poultry seasoning 4 Tbsp parsley 1 Tbsp salt 4 headless crushed cloves 1 well-crushed bay leaf 4 lrg chopped onions 6 good dashes Tabasco 5 crushed garlic cloves 6 lrg chopped celery Mix this as well and thoroughly as possible, then add the three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs. STUFF THE TURKEY Stuff the bird with the resulting mixture. Pack the stuffing in good and tight, both ends (cavities), you should have plenty of it. The vast majority of the stuffing will be left over. Set the unused stuffing aside, in the refrigerator. Pin the turkey's drumsticks and wings tightly to the body, and close up the skin flaps over the cavities you've just stuffed. PREPARE THE PASTE This is the key to the whole thing. In a small bowl, mix 2 tsp lemon juice 8 egg yolks 2 tsp hot dry mustard 2 crushed cloves of garlic 2 tbsp. onion juice together with an electric mixer. Beat it until it foams. With a fork, beat in flour until it becomes a thick paste. (You may also wish to add a bit more hot dry mustard.) Set this mixture aside. BEGIN COOKING THE TURKEY Heat the oven to 500 degrees F. Put the turkey (in a disposable aluminum pan) in the heated oven until it begins to brown, about 5-10 minutes. Pull it out and coat it evenly and thinly with the egg yolk paste you mixed, above. Turn the oven down to 325 F and put the bird back in until the paste dries to a stiff coating. (About 5-10 minutes, again.) Pull it back out, coat it again, and put it back in. Repeat until the paste is used up; you should have enough to do four or maybe five coats in all. Begin basting the bird early and do so frequently -- no less frequently than every 15 minutes. (This, also, is critical to success.) Begin basting with the giblet / broth / wine (or cider) mixture that's been simmering on the stove all morning. You should end up using around 1-1/2 cups of the broth before you start simply basting the turkey with its own juices. When basting, make sure you squirt a good deal of juice into the two cavities (don't worry about disturbing the stuffing) and all over the turkey besides. As the day wears on, the turkey skin will get darker and darker until you begin thinking it's getting quite badly burned. This is a normal effect of the paste, and not a cause for panic. Just baste it every 15 minutes or so, and make sure you cover the whole bird with basting juices. It won't hurt to squirt a little into the stuffed cavities, either. If you should run out of juices, use a little more of the broth. Don't use it all, though, replenish the broth supply as described below if you have to. MAINTAIN THE BROTH Through all this, make sure you maintain the simmering broth by continuing to add wine (or cider) and water to the mixture as it boils away. When the meat is falling from the neck bone, pull out the neck bones and toss the neck meat back into the broth. Don't worry if you don't get every last bone -- you'll be straining this mixture later. KEEP BASTING THE BIRD Don't forget. UNTIL WHEN? Until the bird is fully cooked. At 325 deg. F, this will generally take about 20 minutes per pound of bird, a bit less than that guideline for really large birds. Your turkey probably came with a "popper" doneness indicator. Keep in mind that the blackening egg yolk "paste" may interfere with its popping action. If in doubt, get and use a meat thermometer. The official guidelines say 180 deg. F. (measured in the thigh) is safe; I don't usually let my turkeys' internal temperatures get quite that high, due to the danger of drying out. (I suppose it could happen, even with this recipe.) Still, anything much lower than 170 and you're playing with fire. Your call. Write me from the emergency room. FINISH COOKING THE STUFFING Take out the stuffing you refrigerated several hours ago just after you stuffed the bird. If you have a huge pot, put it all in there with two sticks of butter at the bottom. If you have two big pots instead, split it between them with one stick of butter in each. Optional step: remove as much of the giblet meat from your broth pot as possible and put it in your stuffing before cooking it. (You'll be throwing this meat away if you don't use it now.) Heat it slowly, to "medium" heat, on your stovetop, stirring frequently. It's easy to scorch, so be careful. PREPARE THE GRAVY When the bird is fully cooked, remove it from the oven and set it on a platter. You will want to let it sit for about ten minutes before trying to carve it, so this is a good time to make the gravy. First, measure out 3 tbsp. of the flour and set it aside. Take the broth that's been simmering for hours, and dump it into the pan in which the turkey was just cooking. (You should have perhaps 2-1/2 or 3 cups of broth.) Mix everything around a bit, then strain it (with a sieve) into a small bowl or large measuring cup. You should get at least four cups of mixture. Let this mixture sit for two or three minutes, until the fat rises to the top. Put 3 tbsp. of this fat into a medium-sized saucepan. While heating it (on medium heat), gradually mix in the flour until the mixture begins to turn golden brown. Remove from heat. Discard any remaining fat from the broth/drippings mixture you put in the bowl before. Measure out 3-1/2 cups of the remaining broth (make it up with water and wine/cider if you need to). Gradually mix this into the flour/fat mixture from before, while cooking over medium heat. Stir by beating it with a whisk, for best results. As the gravy thickens, add 1 tbps. onion powder, and salt and pepper to taste. STUFFING, AGAIN If you want to, remove the stuffing from the bird and mix it in with the stuffing you've cooked on the stovetop. (I never do this and end up throwing away the stuffing that's in the bird, but some people feel it should be eaten.) CARVE AND EAT You'll probably discard 90% of the turkey skin, if not all of it. This isn't the recipe for bird-skin lovers -- maybe I should have mentioned that up front. Carve the bird and serve with the gravy. Enjoy. Feedback on this recipe may be sent to J.D. Baldwin at baldwin+turkey@ panix.com. (You may drop the "+turkey" if you wish.)