}Here in the states we're about to celebrate Thanksgiving. That joyous time of
}year we remember back when a bunch of folks came here from England with no
}recognizable farming skills to establish a new life for themselves and were
}rescued from starving by helpful Native Americans (who are probably seriously
}second-guessing that move) and since we're Americans we feel obligated to force
}our holidays upon an unwilling world but at least the Canadians were smart about
}it all and decided to hold the whole mess a month earlier when we were bloating
}ourselves on Holloween candy anyway but I still have this mental image of kids
}going door to door and getting giblets. 
}
}Each year, we flock to overcrowded airports, train-stations, highways where
}tempers raise well past critical so that we can gather with friends and/or loved
}ones or loved friends (if you get into that sort of thing) but mostly some of us
}sit around watching athletic competitions where men reach between the legs of
}other men and then are pummeled over a leather balloon, and get stinking drunk
}off of cheap beer while elder family members take this welcome time to bring up
}historical tidbits of the family, like describing to blushing Betzi's fiancée
}the time Betzi showed off her poopies to the neighbors.
}
}Carefully we craft heaping portions of Mashed Potatoes, Candied Yams, Creamed
}Onions, Baked Potatoes, Green Bean Casserole, Loaves, Steamed Potatoes, Fruit,
}Potato Salad, Cole Slaw, Three kinds of Stuffing, The thing that Aunt Clara gave
}us but we don't know what it is, More @#$@% Potatoes, wild rice with almonds,
}and the traditional centerpiece, a hormone injected slab of farm animal roasted
}to bare recognition, and served by a sobbing mother who swore that this year
}would be different and that if Bill got off his fat ass and helped her in the
}kitchen instead of just farting in front of TV with his brother and that's just
}the kind of example we need to set for the children. 
}
}We cover these delectable items with gravy (which is basically rendered fat and
}flour) in hopes that whatever that blue-greenish stuff that was thrust on your
}plate might be slightly more edible or at least unrecognizable or maybe it will
}at least slide down faster and you really didn't want it but grandma has special
}dietary needs and we don't want her to feel excluded, and it's good for you so
}just hold your nose or whatever and chew it but try not to let it touch your
}tongue but at least you can try to forget about it by shoveling in huge forkfuls
}of mashed potatoes and crunchy turkey (is it really supposed to be that crunchy
}no I think that may have been a bone, no it was just a toasted crouton) and
}Betzi is crying again because her fiancée made comment about how that lump in
}the gravy sitting on top of her potatoes probably brings back memories of her
}childhood and now cousing Billy just sprayed all of his milk from his nose all
}over Grandma's strained spinach and kelp dish which seems to be taking on a life
}of it's own and Bill starts laughing so hard that he passes gas and we all run
}from the table.
}
}The after the dinner is done and the dogs finish clearing the table for us
}because little Billy saw it on Little Rascals and thought it was funny then but
}it would be funnier now and everyone else is too boated to think about chasing
}after the damn dogs so let them finish the frigging turkey because nobody really
}wants to be eating leftovers until Christmas and I swear if someone suggest
}Turkey Tetrazzini again I am going to force it down their throats with a plunger
}and speaking of plungers did Grandma die in the bathroom, c'mon we all have to
}go and why couldn't we have had dinner at Uncle Tom's where he's got three full
}bathrooms instead of here where we've only got two and the one downstairs
}doesn't even have a door on it and when your sitting on it you can wave to the
}neighbors.
}
}Then we all pile into our respective vehicles and struggle to remain conscious
}or sober or whatever as we hurtle along the highways with all the windows down
}and the stereo blasting just so we can stay awake and the kids are complaining
}that the sleet is hurting their faces and you yell that "in your day, we use to
}catch sleet on our tongues" and your wife corrects you that it was snow but you
}just flash her an evil eye which you really regret because your sex privileges
}evaporate as fast as the traffic is not moving and although the thought of
}seeing her or yourself naked makes you even more nauseous you know full well
}that your not going to get lucky until well past New Years and the kids are
}crying again, or maybe it's just the ice freezing on their faces but why the
}hell didn't you go before you left the house because now you're stuck on the
}freeway and you've got to go more than ever.