A: I'm a struggling black man trying to keep my dick hard in a cruel and harsh world.
Q: Um...let me rephrase that:
A: Never mind. Well, when I launched this site back in mid-1995, I was an NYU student majoring in Dramatic Writing and fulfilling my work-study requirement in the Third North computer lab, where I kept myself marginally awake by posting thousands of needlessly sarcastic messages on Usenet (run an author profile on 'mqd8478@is2.nyu.edu' over at Deja sometime -- hours of amusement) and dashing off abbreviated movie reviews for friends. Now, incredibly enough, what began purely as a lark seems to have propelled me into a career as a professional film critic. I'm still an amateur at heart, though, which is why I doubt that I'll ever completely abandon the ol' MWVTM. No editor hereabouts, you see. Very blather-friendly.
Q: What exactly constitutes 'professional,' if I may be so bold?
A: I called myself a semi-pro for several years, while I was writing freelance video reviews for Entertainment Weekly. As of 6 March 2000, however, I'll be stepping into the position of lead film critic for Time Out New York, the weekly listings magazine for which I've been editing the Alternatives & Revivals film calendar for the past year or so. (I'll still be doing that as well.) Odds are I'll now be blurbed in national newspaper ads, join the New York Film Critics Circle, etc., so I can't really remain in denial any longer, I'm afraid: until my screenwriting ship comes in, this is what I do. Could be worse. (I could have, like, a real job, just for instance.)
Q: Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute, palomino. Didn't you say in your recent semi-retirement notice that you don't want to be a professional film critic, and that you were planning to devote your energies to launching a filmmaking career? What gives?
A: My priorities haven't changed, but circumstances, alas, have. Those of you who read EW have no doubt noticed that the Video section has just been redesigned, so that it now functions more as an adjunct to the Movies section. Word count for the section openers -- the pieces that have accounted for the bulk of my income over the past three years or so -- has been reduced by more than two-thirds, and the capsules are shorter as well. Basically, I wasn't in a financial position to turn this offer down; it was either be a movie critic or go back to paging doctors on golf courses...which is what I was doing, for the oh-so-munificent rate of $8/hr, when EW came a-callin'. Not, I assure you, a very difficult choice.
That said, it's not as if I'll be dragging my ass wearily to the TONY office every weekday; I'm genuinely excited about the prospect of writing about theatrical releases for a large audience. (Not that I don't love all of you, but you're more like a cult following, really.) And work on the scripts will continue, never fear. (See below).
Q: So will you still be writing for EW?
A: No. The editorial honchos at TONY kinda frown on the idea. My apologies to anybody who subscribed just to read my stuff. (Speaking of which, anybody who wants to subscribe to TONY just to read my stuff -- hey, a guy can dream, can't he? -- can do so here. Introductory price is $40 for one year...unless you're Canadian, in which case it's $89, or Theo, in which case I'm afraid it's a whopping $150 -- sorry, man.)
Q: Will you still be able to review movies here on the site?
A: Yep. Notes on films I don't really care about and wouldn't have seen as a civilian will probably be exceedingly brief, however.
Q: Whatever happened to that aspiring-filmmaker's journal you said you were gonna post here?
A: Coming soon. There's been nothing much to report so far (every entry to date would essentially have been "still revising The Ruse"), but that's about to change. Watch this space.
Q: Have you ever actually worked on a feature film, in any capacity?
A: As a matter of fact, I have; I acted in and was the script supervisor for Seldom Dreaming, a film written and directed by my good friend Chris Ereneta. Check out his happenin' site for further details.
Q: What do you look like?
A: Like this.
Q: No, seriously.
A: Was that my name or wasn't it? Or did you want the pre-Charles Atlas version?
Q: I stumbled onto your URL after reading some of your posts in rec.arts.movies.current-films, or maybe it was rec.arts.movies.past-films, or possibly alt.cult-movies. Anyway, you seem to be fairly knowledgeable, and I enjoy some of your posts, but you also spend a lot of time ridiculing others. Are you really so insecure and pathetic that you need to put others down to feel good about yourself?
A: Yes.
Q: I saw JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO among the films in one of your top ten lists. Is that some kind of sick joke?
A: No.
Q: Come on, man, can't you stick at least one graphic or background on here somewhere? Liven the place up a bit? Something? Anything?
A: Sorry.
Q: You're not really black, are you?
A: Oh dear.