The random sig file of wonderment

Most people who use email put some little thing in their signature file to individualize their mail. I have way too many such little things.

Using Perl, I have the ability to place a random thing in my sig file. The list of random... well, *stuff* follows.

"There is a thin line between genius and insanity - I have erased that
line." - Oscar Levant

"This is Mace's planet. We Just Live here."

"Chicken Wire?" - Lou Marini

The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The Teletubbies are coming to America.
They must be stopped!

Got Perl?
Got a Perl User Group?

"We're dumber than squirrels. We hear voices and do what they
command. I have broccoli in my socks." - Dilbert's boss

"Your point being..." - Homer Simpson

"Perhaps *the* Monty Python Scholar in America today"
-New Yorker magazine 13mar89

All hail El Cabeza Del Oro!

Free Randal Schwartz!
(ok, maybe not free, but competitively priced!)

"You can lead a bigot to water, but if you don't tie him up, you can't
make him drown." - The Psychodots

"Que?" - Manuel

"Soup on all fours?"
"Of course. Whaddaya think, Soup is a biped?" - mst3k

"A Marine that says 'gee whiz'? What's he gonna do, storm the
Cunningham house?" - mst3k

"It's all eggs, bacon, beans and a fried slice." - Madness

"Hey you! Don't watch dat! Watch thees! This is the heavy, heavy
monster sound!" - Madness

"It's all in the mind." - Madness

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the
tapes." - President Richard Nixon

"Shrink your opponents' heads before they shrink yours!" - The

"In my opinion, there's nothing in this world beats a '52 Vincent and
a red headed girl" - James Adie

"...for all you know we're a bunch of malcontents who couldn't get
sci.corned-beef, and are going to reject all the submitted articles
that aren't about corned beef." - Mark-Jason Dominus

"You don't understand. He *had* to murder the nun and harvest her
organs" - overheard at some convention

"Now everyone, grep your pod, and we'll begin..." - John Porter in

"We are the Borg. You will be assimilated! Nah, only kidding. We're
just the Sontarans. Care to take part in some 'medical research'?"

The Inferno video is really in colour.

"scanf() is evil."

i gave up on every non-perl language because I had too much real work
to do and it [perl] came into my life and painted pretty flowers all
over my walls -Peter Fagan

[Insert Angus Prune Tune here]

TINC, fnord, tinc.

"We Americans stand on the shoulders of freaks." - Doctor Demento

"I may have been away with the Grapefruit-Powered Electric Zebras by
the time I wrote this post." - Richard Jones in

"I go where I will and I do what I can" - Henry Fool

Why *isn't* there a Widget::Gonzo module?

"Anybody's apt to trip."
"Not over a sofa!" - The Lady Eve

"That's one of the tragedies of this life: that the men most in need
of a beating up are always enormous." - John D. Hackensacker III

"You can't give a 4 to truth." - Saul Williams

"If you want a real optimist, look up Ray Bradbury. Guy's nuts.
He actually likes people." - David Brin

"Well, sure, being a ruthless godless dictator is fun, but it's all
about the fans!"
- Public Broadcast of His Imperial Majesty, Dimension 431-q-fhd

"Life is so hard, you know that sometimes it seems the good guys only
win, when the bad guys leave." - The Jim Basnight Thing

"Something I'm hoping to achieve is, rather than have the film look
like we went out in New Zealand and shot on location, is that it looks
like we went out to Middle Earth and shot on location." - Peter

* Nathan_Roberts screams out loud, "IS THIS ENTIRE CHANNEL COMPOSED
OF BOTS?!?!?"
Kill the human. - from the #drwhochat Quotefile

"i don't play lead. it interferes with my drinking." - Malcolm Young

"If it's not Jewish, it's CRAP!:)" - IsraelBeta on #DWC

"You're quite free to convert your strings to byte arrays and do the
entire pattern tree by hand in pure logic code if you'd like. By the
time you finish most of the rest of us will be doing contract work on
Mars." - Zenin on comp.lang.perl.misc

perl is a language, and as such, is about as Y2K compliant as
Serbo-Croat. - David Cantrell in comp.lang.perl.misc

"Take myself, subtract films, and the remainder is zero"
- Akira Kurosawa

"Last year in Oregon, Summer fell on a *tuesday*. That was it. One
day. Big shiny thing in the sky. Some people thought it was a UFO."
- Randal Schwartz in comp.lang.perl.misc

"Well, anyone can talk sense..." - The Doctor (4th)

"What is this Japanese preoccupation with the name Ken???" - Tom Servo

"I'll keep him as an insurance policy, since, unfortunately, I can't
kill him twice." - Scaroth

Perl should only be studied as a second language. A good first
language would be English. - Larry Wall

Perl can certainly be used as a first computer language, but it was
really designed to be a *last* computer language. - Larry Wall

Well of *course* Perl should not be taught to everyone. It should only
be taught to people who want to like their computers. - Larry Wall

Honk if you love Perl! (or strawberries!) - Larry Wall

I drink to my coming cirrhosis... - Charles Aznavour

When I was a little man/Play-Doh came in a little can/
I was Star Wars' biggest fan/Now I'm stuck without a plan/
G. I. Joe was an Action Man/Shaggy drove the Mystery Van/
Devo was my favorite band/So take me back to my happy land
- The Aquabats

"When the bug expands, I contract. When it contracts, I expand. And
when an opportunity appears, I do not fix the bug -- my keyboard does
it, on its own." - Chip Salzenberg

I have 'somefunc' bound to the 'any' key.
- Jim Flanagan, c.l.p.misc

"It was failure proof technology"
"What happened?"
"It failed" - Doctor Who, Frontios

Any sufficiently advanced technology is compatible with magic.
- The Doctor, Seeing I

"Perl Porters, Inc. today announced the release of version .006 of
their popular Perl5 compiler suite, codenamed `Rabid Rat'."
- Nathan Torkington on p5p (this was a *joke*)

In the silence that followed, Homer was heard to mutter,
"Mmmm... context- dependent semantics..."
- Darrin Edwards in c.l.p.m.

This is Pop - XTC

We thought we were the best thing since sliced nuclear energy... We
were Captain Beefheart meets the Archies. - Andy Partridge

Shut up, listen, and dance. - Madness

Riding around on a horse while wearing a loincloth with one's gut
flapping in the breeze for a rock & roll video may lead viewers to
believe said rider to be, if not Indian, merely insane. That confusion
is understandable too. - Rip Thrillby

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
- Chelsey, Age 7

You get the idea that if Apple won a 90% market share, bought out
Microsoft, and hired Bill Gates to mop the bathrooms, Business Week
would write: "Apple has all but ignored the possibility of alien
invasion..." - David Pogue

Just Install Perl. - Chris Nandor

... we didn't know what the hell we were doing, but we did it loud.
- Andy Partidge on early XTC

All the study in the world doesn't make it science - Paul Weller

Learned? You must be crazy. Do you think I could play as badly as
this if I had had lessons? - Patrick Troughton

Chipmunks are go! - Madness

For the Forth aficionados reading this column, I offer my idea of the
ideal bumper sticker: "YOU FORTH LOVE IF HONK THEN."
- Chip Salzenberg, in The Perl Journal #12

perl -e '$_ = (join "", (map (chr, (shift =~ /.../g))));print "$_\n"
;' 106117115116032097032110121032112101114108032104097099107101114

Sorry - when I booted up this morning, the 'use English' in one of my
init files failed. Am trying to compensate with 'abuse Caffeine'
before rebooting. - David Cantrell

Hat! Hat! Hat! -

Hey, Siegfried! Pick an accent and stick with it!
- Tom Servo, MST3K

I shall \0x0D - Nathan Roberts

however, if people don't like Perl, they don't have to use it. they
can stay at the office solving their problems while the Perl Mongers
go out and drink. ;) - brian d foy in c.l.p.misc

He looked like Elvis '75 - Puffed up but still alive
- The Merrymakers, "Superstar"

I've tried subtlely - Game Theory

i like Sample A because it tastes great and is less typing.
- brian d foy in c.l.p.misc

Please do not throw hands at me. - D84, Robots Of Death

"Do not look at the cursor! Look where the cursor points!"
- Chip Salzenberg

"You're on dry land! Squeaky Whale can't save you now!"
- Stephen Cole

"I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have
fluffy bunny feelings about them. I'm just not going to get too
extra-curricular about it." - Buffy

"I think I'd better sit down."
"You are sitting down."
"Oh. Good for me." - BtVS, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"

I'm going to start off talking by about postmodernism. After that,
I'll switch to talking about postmodernism. And at the conclusion,
I'll return to the subject of postmodernism. - Larry Wall

SURF MUSIC makes EVERYTHING better! - Tom Servo

Uh, yeah. Well, that's my mistake for the year...
- Larry Wall

Well (s)he is only a type of deer after all so its particularly
spectacular to have learnt English from only 'A Stranger in a Strange
Land' and 'A Clockwork Orange' - Jonathan Stowe in c.l.p.misc
(It was even better *in* context... :-)

perl -e 'print "Just another P$0-r-l hacker"'

Trust the computer industry to shorten the term "Year 2000" to Y2K.
It was this kind of thinking that got us in trouble in the first
place. - Adrian Tyvand

My theory is that his ignorance clouded his poor judgement.
- Alice, in Dilbert's office

Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!
- a selection from "If Klingons developed software"

I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and the conclusions were right
there. - Buffy

People don't buy our products because they want a 1/2 inch drill, they
buy our products because they want a 1/2 inch hole.
- reportedly, some exec at Black and Decker

I'm already not yet convinced. - Larry Wall

'Don't be tempted to veer off!'
- Paul McGann

"supported" is an MS term that means the function exists. The fact
that it always fails means, that it is an exercise for the programmer.
- Douglas Lankshear, p5p

Note that reversing a cable at BOTH ends is likely to result in perfect
operation of the hardware, which is not the aim of this exercise.
- "How to Destroy Your Computer",

I'm occasionally callous and strange. - Willow

Linguists don't know much, but they do know that nobody can succeed in
telling people at large how to speak. - Larry Wall

What a sad commentary on our society that we have produced movies so
bad that you feel sorry Bo Derek has to be in them.
- Joe Queenan

America leads the world in shocks.
- Gil Scott-Heron

Chemistry is easy. It's just like witchcraft, but with less newt.
- Willow

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
- Gil Scott-Heron

I expect my version of ESP::Psychic will be ready sometime last week.
More likely, yesterday (you know how schedules tend to slip).
- Eric The Read in comp.lang.perl.misc

We honestly don't want to see another technicolored cow.
- the #macintosh faq

He was from the planet Blobnar.
- Jon Orwant

Don't be afraid, we're only elves.
- stimps,

Okay, that's it. 30 days no computer use penalty for being stupid
- Greg at

"Well, to make this story the way it should be done we will
[need] technology that won't invented for 30 years and a budget that
could pay for a large south american country." "What have we got?" "25
cents and a block of wood." - Possible Dr. Who budget conference

Pancakes is the better part of valor - Toothgnip

"It must be difficult being such a visionary."
"Not really. You just have to drink a whole lot."

Your pluck is admirable. However, arguing for a 'pure computer
science' approach in the perl5-porters mailing list is somewhat like
inquiring about mileage in a Maserati dealership. People are given to
drop their champagne glasses and stare. - Felix Gallo, p5p

We went on holiday by mistake - Withnail

"Cracking keys to free the world from web/cgi questions!"
- my contribution to the Perl Mercenaries United motto.

... nononono. And to use nonononono just to negate that is, uhm,
confusing. Someone might think I'm stuttering.
- Abigail, p5p

If I ever saw this in real code I'd beat the author senseless with
their own limbs.
- Michael G. Schwern

Freedom ain't nothing but a word, ain't nothing but a word. Let me
see your ID. - Gil Scott-Heron, "Johannesburg"

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it.
- Donald Knuth

I see people didn't read the smiley I didn't include.
- John W. Baxter

Please stop flirting with my canvas. - Damian Conway

A picture is worth
several hundred thousand words...
in the right haiku - Damian Conway

New Songs/New Members/New CD/Same rotten attitude
- Raving Noah press release

Sometimes these hairstyles are exaggerated beyond the laws of physics
- Unknown narrator speaking about Anime

And if you are a real looney, you would read the manpage.
- Abigail in c.l.p.misc

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out
of Meat. - Phillip, Goats, 20sep99

Your question doesn't make any sense. You might as well ask whether
it is possible to grow vegetables from a painting, without becoming
Wednesday first. - Abigail, c.l.p.misc

for (('to you', 'dear '.shift)[0,0,1,0]) { print "Happy birthday $_" }
- perl code for wishing someone a happy birthday
Courtesy of purl

Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight
me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling,
for I am lord and master! - top5 list: Pet Peeves of Pets

There are 6 billion people in the world, and only 30 billion of those
are Canadians - Headline in the Toronto Globe and Mail

You kids today have it easy. I remember when we had to write programs
with an ice pick and index cards. compliant. Soon people will ask, "What's an ice pick?"> - Lee Sharp

It didn't bother me before there was a for modifier, and now that
there is one, it still doesn't bother me. I'm just not very easy to
bother. - Larry Wall

I'm not a non-conformist, I just follow directions poorly.
- graffiti on the men's room wall at the Blind Tiger

A feature is often a bug with seniority. - Chip Salzenberg

Now I don't speak any English, just American without tears.
- Elvis Costello

Existence of undocumented things does not justify adding yet more
undocumented things, but you knew that.
- Sarathy, p5p

Looking at the cake is like looking at the future. Until you taste
it, what do you really know? And, of course, by then, it's much too
late. - Merlin, Excalibur

Don't you remember High School? I know, for myself, I was a walking
- Alyson Hannigan

All right! So I'm the daughter of poison gas!
- Sybil Crane, The Big Bus

perl -e '$"=q-Just Another Perl Hacker-; push @x, $_ for (qw+* *+);
print "@x\n"' #requires perl 5.004_05 or later

This is the Tower of Murder, and... it's where I hang out.
- Monster of Evil, Flesh Gordon


Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crap.
Cassell's Corollary: Sturgeon would have upped that number if he'd
seen the Internet.

Barter is if he asked someone to look at his program in exchange for a
cow or something. - Mark-Jason Dominus

It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is
how I get along with those who are still alive.
- Jimmy "The Tulip" Tedeschi

All I felt was his fear... And the exploding eyeballs. Did I mention
I hate this gig? - Cordelia Chase

Dealing with problems is only for people too weak to run away from
them. - Phillip,

No, I don't have a ministry of car healing.
- What's Your Name

Six course banquet of nothing, with a scoop of sod-all for a palate
cleanser - Rupert Giles

There's more than one way to skin a cat, and I happen to know that's
factually true. - Mayor Wilkins

Trained Philosopher: Will Think For Food
- R. Dan Henry

Despite his tendency to become sidetracked in debates with invisible
giraffes, he was an exemplary player, and rarely licked anyone without
prior permission - Diablo on Shazam Twix

Theoretically, you could add "hyperpolysyllabic" to any word to make
it longer and not alter the meaning. - Matthew Mankiewich

Toast is just overcooked bread - Shazam Twix

Perl gives you enough rope to hang yourself and your neighbor.
- Randal L. Schwartz

You can't set a generic cow.
- Randal L. Schwartz

M-x induce-carpal-tunnel-syndrome
- Greg Bacon

Mysticism has no place in programming.
- Larry Rosler

Tegan's always being posessed! She just wants attention.
- Adric

They would have done better with an axe!
- George Westinghouse on the first electric chair demo

Good marriages work this way too, by the way. I love my wife
differently than I did at the beginning, but I certainly don't love
her any less. - Larry Wall

If history teaches us anything, it's that everyone will be part of the
problem, but not everyone will be part of the solution.
- Larry Wall

It's amazing what giant mutant ants that are the result of Man's
dabbling with the power of atomic energy can accomplish when they set
themselves to the task. - Mark Rogaski

tastes filling! less great! - ignatz in #perl

And, considering the prevalence of displaced psychiatric patients
among the ranks of the homeless, the viewpoints are usually guaranteed
to involve aliens or 7 foot tall magical cats. - Mark Rogaski

Assume the person who'll need to maintain your code owns an axe and
isn't afraid to use it - Dan Sugalski on good coding practice

Hang on, you're a veggie, and you don't drink Guinness... why do I
bother fancying you again??? - Alex Page

Here in silicon valley you can't hire a good dead cat for under 90K.
- Dave Godwin

make sure you're not trying to read a 2gb straight to memory (unless
you have a macintosh portable and you're trying to establish a tcp/ip
link to an alien space ship) - Brendon Caligari in alt.perl

Damn, if this doesn't win me "Pedant of the Year", I don't know what
will. - Mark Rogaski

An aside, consider the idea of reality as a superposition of all
possible belief systems. If this is the case ... why can't we worship
them all in CONSTANT TIME! ;) - Mark Rogaski

Although, of course, it will be $ME in line with the usual practice of

Naturally, like you, I was incensed, and immediately used my
U.S. Second Amendment rights to buy a duffel bag full of machine guns
for a shooting spree at the office. - Jon Orwant

Religious zealots have a tendency towards mental illness. You really
shouldn't expect much more from people who spend that much time trying
to prove that their imaginary friend is the *only* imaginary friend.
- Mark Rogaski

_Day of Wrath_ is probably Dreyer's most popular film, which already
indicates something of the problems it poses.
- David Bordwell, The Films of Carl-Theodor Dreyer

It looks like line noise - even your cat can program!
- Abigail

no pretense intended
ensuring absurd discourse
is priority - Haiku by Mark Rogaski

Hello breasts! - subbes

I believe myself to be the daughter of a one-eyed space robot named
Malcolm. -Fallon Young,

I bet if I cover my ears, this sounds a *lot* less like crap.
- Tim Jones,

'Cos they're EVIL, that's why. And not in a good way.
- Michael Gates

Your Aunt Linda should maybe stay away from the Manischewitz. Or
stop using it to wash down prescription tranquilizers, whichever.
- Mary Roth

And, I also forgot to mention that P[ower]P[uff]G[irls] kick serious
booty. If for no other reason than: Bubbles talks to squirrels.
- Mark Rogaski

Packard Bell doesn't make computers, they make elaborate paperweights.
- Mark Rogaski

You don't have to be a hippie to believe in peace.
- Joe Jackson

Alaska is a large cold place with approximately six residents who
would inbreed if they found each other more attractive.
- Scott Adams

"I have no idea what that is. Thank goodness we didn't order three!"
- some nameless induhvidual quoted in Dilbert Newsletter 31.0

"I... would... like... the... Screamin'... Jay... Hawkins... box
set... and DVD... please...."
- #9 Sign Someone Has Cast a Spell On You

War! Huh! What is it good for? Subterranian-dwelling reptilian
humanoid aliens! - Alden Bates

What kind of marathon crack binge would cause you believe this?
- Mark Rogaski

philosophy department
- you don't have to be to work here, but it helps

And you know, you can have all the good audio gear in the world, but
unless you make a point of asking the informant to not eat a Snickers
while he's talking, it's all for naught. - TorgoX, #perl

she's a lovetarian especially in the form of puppies
- Jellyfish, Sebrina, Paste and Plato

Also know as the first rule of finance:
"Don't run out of money".
- Tony Bowden

Nice DNS error you have there.
- subbes

"Dir-ty deeds...DONE TO SHEEP!"
Heh heh...AC/DC, eat yer heart out.
- Mary Roth

Indeed. I don't know what I was thinking, far less what I was
testing. Anno Siegel

So get it on paper, with a signature, so you can wave it at them. If
that doesn't work, use weapons.
- David Cantrell

...whoever wrote it clearly didn't feel it was necessary to test it.
Funny thing how the worst programmers have the most faith in their
code... - Benjamin Holzman

Oh, the irony.
- Abigail

While there is a restriction against live animals, that should not
apply... since it is not the super monkey that is being auctioned, but
rather a telephone call from the super monkey. - Mark Rogaski

"Look, vultures! My dress is made of steaks!"
- Allison Drennan

And finally, it appears that Schwern, Michael is an Alien Drag Queen
- Leon Brocard, List Weekly Summary 2001-03-19
(This has *something* to do with

I'd redesign my program to something less absurd.
- Abigail, in comp.lang.perl.misc

package Warnings::DHA;
sub import {require Carp; $SIG{__WARN__}=sub{local $Carp::CarpLevel=1;

One dude sitting at home, bong in hand, is only a danger to junk
food, which, last I checked, was not considered sentient. Murder, on
the other hand, is quite harmful. - Chuck Crews

Do as thou wilt, shall be the whole of the Law--but
if my insurance rates go up because of it, I'll tattoo my name on
your butt with my boot. - Mary Roth

<< Atheists are so fun to poke with sharp sticks.>>
Or sleep with. Because they try really hard not to scream "OH GOD."
- <> and Vertilgo in goats-fans

All those quotes make my eyes bleed.
Michael G. Schwern

Sobriety is not an option
- Alex Page

I don't want to get bitter/I don't want to turn cruel/I don't want to
get old before I have to/I don't want to get jaded/Petrified and
weighted/I don't want to get bitter like you. - Jill Sobule

If you're trying to confuse me, I can assure you it's unnecessary.
;-) - Larry Wall

A thread topic is like a non-alchoholic ingredient in a
cocktail, its only there so you can pretend not to be an inebriated
addict. - Greg McCarroll

Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz.
Phillip Newton's replacement for The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog.

Hulk smash! Hulk kill! Hulk do ironing!
- subbes

A tautology is a thing that is tautological.
- Greg Bacon

It's so hot that my color-change Crazy Straws don't change color
anymore. - Allison Drennan

You're still hoping for a new, good Star Trek series??? You must be
a Cubs fan.
- Michael G. Schwern

...there is NO WAY I can venture out of the house to get coffee before I
have coffee.
- Vertilgo

When they send bikers into space, that's what they'll be wearing. I'm
so envious. TorgoX, not on #perl

They'll need a crane.
- They Might Be Giants

I'll treasure the implied compliment.
- Simon Templar

Any country that has the words "play ball" in its national anthem
can't be all bad.
- Greg McCarroll

"...who could save journalists a lot of trouble by adopting "not related"
as his middle name..."
- A. O. Scott, on Kiyoshi Kurosawa, in the NY Times

i shall use the lengendary mccarroll charm to either acquire the
wonderful stout or ensure we are banned before we even set foot in
the place, [sic] - Greg McCarroll

Simplification good! Oversimplification bad!
- Larry Wall

Unfortunately, in this case, "obvious" is synonymous with "wrong".
- Larry Wall

I may have to double check on it, but I think that's the sweetest
psychopathic comment I've had all week. - Vertilgo

everything drives me crazy. because EVERYTHING involves morons at some
level. - sungo, in #perl

If you have a square-pattern aura, you will be shot to death by Federal
agents. - NYC street lunatic with a red hat.

DHA is the "Smorax", he is friends with the Twinkies and speaks for
the Choc-O-Diles. - Mark Rogaski

I'm just some guy on Usenet, so feel free to ignore me, but if you
worked for me, you wouldn't work for me.
- Tad McClellan on c.l.p.misc

It tastes how green sounds. - subbes

I originally wrote "early but buffy". GET OUT OF MY BRANE
Michael G. Schwern

It tells the story of . . . well, there's no way to finish that
sentence. - Roger Ebert on David Lynch's Mulholland Drive

I'm not a tramp... I'm an Episcopalian!
- subbes

I am r00t! Yo! Mad leet 5ex0ring with the 0vary-action!
- subbes

I'm the proof that nearly anyone can be brilliant if they don't have to
do it in real-time. :-) - Larry Wall

- vertilgo

Had deep and meaningfuls with kitty_goth, about BDSM, scarring, love,
and compiler theory, which was good. - Alex Page

Its a whole new kind of boredom.
- Ash (The ICT Tech with a soul)

If your head has exploded, you should avoid sausage factories.
- Larry Wall

One should never say such things, it's like wearing red overalls
in Pamplona.
- Jarkko Hietaniemi

No sign of any external injury, but I'm afraid he's very dead.
- Captain Scarlet

Unicode is a scary story that mothers tell their children so they won't
grow up to be ISO committee members. - Chip Salzenberg

I am in a creative mood, Rhonda! Trundle me!
- Mother

With its concern for ethics and its snooty disdain for digging up
corpses, killing test subjects, and resurrecting the dead, the medical
establishment has lost ground to mad scientists in such important fields
as zombie creation. - The Onion, Volume 38 Issue 36

Who wouldn't want bismuth in their shoes? It's PINK!
- subbes

It was when a cow-orker proudly showed me his Java Ring that I finally
realised that Java was nothing more than a huge April Fool joke that had
got out of hand. - Andy Wardley

If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
- George Harrison

The role of the Ford Gran Torino (Starsky and Hutch's seriously cool set
of wheels) will, hopefully, be played by a Ford Gran Torino.
- Joal Ryan (on the upcoming S&H film)

When I went to open my suitcase I found a lock on it, which I never
have. So I picked the lock, opened up the suitcase, and started pulling
out all these dresses. After like the 10th dress, I thought, These
aren't my dresses. - John Malkovich

At the very least, if there is no law, rule or regulation against using
the public airwaves to knowingly present news that is false and
distorted, it's time the FCC or the Congress write one. - Steve Wilson

It's about hoodwinking the viewer in the cheapest and easiest manner
possible - Markku Pätilä

It's quickly beginning to look like the winner of the DVD format wars
will be 'yes.' - Nathan Roberts, #drwhochat

Thanks for the dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
- Buffy

well, um, there will be guitars
- marm0t

The future foretold, the past explained, the present... apologized for.
- Organon, astrologer extrordinary

This makes us angry.
- John Flansburgh

In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, you should open the file in a hex
editor and stare at it and drink beer until it makes sense.
- M. J. F. Gates

if i cant get some of that action irl, i'd at least like a dvd
- sungo on #perl

My glass might be half empty, but I am on the way to the bar
- Simon Wilcox

Writing modules is easy. Naming modules is hard.
- Anno Siegel

Adolescent rats exposed to KOST 103 in particular developed tumors on
their noses, and the tumors had little devil heads on them, and the
devil heads were eating little babies, and the babies were screaming.
- Ignatz

The network outages in my residence hall would make the basis for a good
drinking game. - subbes

10 PRINT "Strawberry Fields" / 20 GOTO 10
- Top 5 List: Songs about robots

Apparently the left hand doesn't know what a right hand IS.
- zenham in #perl

To get the best results, you must talk to your vegetables.
- Prince Charles

What part of "nerf" don't the people at Nerf understand??
- Lewis Black

Truth for authority, not authority for truth!
- Lucretia Mott

A "functional" program works properly regardless of the phase of the
moon or the particular variety of goat you sacrifice.
- Eric Bohlman, in comp.lang.perl.misc

Welcome to Babylon 5, the last best hope for a quick buck.
- Susan Ivanova

The reader knows all your tricks by now, or thinks he/she does. You've
been pulling doves out of your hat for 243 pages. Now you'd damned well
better be able to pull out an alligator. - J. Michael Straczynski

Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done.
- Ernie Kovacs

John Cleese was my favorite. Next was Tom Baker.

We are all the sum of our tears. Too little and the ground is not
fertile, and nothing can grow there. Too many, and the best of us are
washed away. - G'Kar

It causes my eyes to do a double take. If my brain made noise it would
be that *tick tick* *tick tick* *griiiIIIIiinnndd* that a hard drive
makes when trying to work with a bad block. - Schwern

I kind of miss that, even these days, whenever people come up and
inform me, oh, you do graphic novels. No. I wrote comic books, for
heaven's sake. - Neil Gaiman

[Anansi Boys] should have been 10,000 copies just to people who love
them, who would have had to go to a science fiction specialty shop with
a cat in it just to find it. - Neil Gaiman

Yes, it's very empowering for her to be naked all the time.
- Joss Whedon

I find that when you read a script, or rewrite something, or look at
something that's been gone over, you can tell, like rings on a tree, by
how bad it is, how long it's been in development. - Joss Whedon

your idea of better is wrong. - sungo

I mean, if you're going to sell a non-regulated, quasi-legal medication,
the least you can do is glue down the safety seal.

My dog is Web 2.0 enabled. Go ahead. Prove me wrong.
- Jesse Vincent

...Christmas. This is when we gather together or separately to remember the
day, in 753BC, when Abraham Lincoln first climbed Mount Kilauea to
beseech Barbarella to erase our consumer debt, vanquish the Chinamen,
and restore Consumer Confidence to the world. - Sean Burke

If the day off doesn't get you, the bad reviewer does. At least you've
been a has-been and not just a never-was.
- Loudon Wainwright III, The Home Stretch

Nothing makes me appreciate Perl more than malloc.
- Andy Lester

one of you believed IRC.
- integral on #perl

Perfect is the enemy of done!
- Sean Burke

If you're going to do something, you might as well seek world
domination. - Inferno on #perl

It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyones drinking floor
polish. - Ash (The ICT Tech with a soul)

When I have to think on my feet, I tend to start babbling in Yiddish and
blame Himmler. - Jerry Stahl

These days everyone's going insane
But I'd rather not go 'cause I've already been there
- The Loud Family, For Beginners Only

There is no amount of sarcasm that will allow me to adequately express
just how terrible this plan is. - Diablo

I think the scale of relative badness is broken in this place.
- Diablo

Now the referee's counting, but I'm on my feet again. The vultures
circling up above my head will have to wait until I take my standing 8.
- The Psychodots

What good is a crazy theory that doesn't involve nuclear energy?
- Mark-Jason Dominus

Wearing a tie increases your MacGyver factor by two.
- Masque

That's the trouble with heroics, they seldom run to schedule
- Kerr Avon

We actually do go for an awful lot of realism for a show with a talking
baby and a talking dog. - Family Guy commentary

you know, you can hardly find celestial seasonings tea here in
australia. it makes it really hard to declare your sexual preferences
via your pantry. - Skud

What were once colorful character quirks are now pathological mental
disorders. - M. C. Brennan

When they stop making movies like Infra-Man, a little light will go out
of the world. - Roger Ebert

If you think something is impossible, don't disturb the person who is
doing it! - Amar Bose

Invention is arrived at by intelligent stumbling
- Amar Bose

XML is the Godwin's Law of programming conversations.
- Clinton Pierce

i just ate a slice of key lime pie while drinking limeade
scurvy can't touch me now - obnoxicant

34 DD strapless bras are about as effective as chocolate teapots.
- subbes

God really needs to stop getting story ideas from the Men Without Hats
episode of Behind The Music. - M. C. Brennan

These days, watching television is like sitting in Travis Bickle's
taxicab - Charlie Brooker

We don't need the advice of experts - we're YouTube.
- missusmadness

I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.
- Doug Stanhope

The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be
sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
- Nikola Tesla

A man that deserves to be taken as seriously as a heart attack suffered
while piloting a zeppelin over a bacon factory
- The Old Spice Guy

Note that Australia not only suffers from deadly spiders and sharks but
also terrible CSO
- Mark Ward, A Family At War

Oh, you're talking about the Internet. Twelve people and their talking
dog. Ignore it! I never go online. The Internet stuff is bonkers. You
must not look at it. - Steven Moffat

If you?re studying geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out
of school you forget it all. ... But philosophy you remember just enough
to screw you up for the rest of your life. - Steve Martin

And also, no metric. DOGS ARE NEVER METRIC. - John Hodgman

Sorry, I didn't know "Escaped from the Anime Expo" was your look.
- Tammy Garrison

We're already knee deep in crack anyway.
- mst

Waffle Claus was here!
He left waffles?
Pancakes, strangely. - Cat and Girl

I'm not one of those misanthropes who only hates people on christmas and
easter. - Girl

When we write a joke, we never ask, 'Who's gonna get this?' We always
say, 'The right people will get this'. - Joel Hodgson

Origami napkin swans. THAT'S the headline.
- Sheldon Cooper

Suppose I ditch the principles I have held for a lifetime, in the hope
of gaining favor at the last minute? I hope... no serious person would
be at all impressed by such a hucksterish choice. - Chrisopher Hitchens

I don't write for children... I write, and someone says "that's for
children". - Maurice Sendak

They cannot be the future. They may well be. I will be dead. I won't
give a [expletive deleted] - Maurice Sendak on ebooks

We're now a society that applauds cables... We disgust me.
- Charlie Brooker

I love cost/benefit analysis. That's how I got through the bullying.
- David Mitchell

Under torture, I usually scream loudly and reveal absolutely nothing.
- Napoleon Solo

War pickles men in a brine of disgust and dread
- Nero Wolfe

Hulk is Hulk.
- Hulk

It's just jokes, man.
- Aaron McGruder

I'm too old to be governed by fear of dumb people.
- Charlie Skinner

And until I am embalmed and buried, there will be stories to tell. And I
look forward to telling them. - Dr. Donald Mallard

"We don't balance the ugly with the beautiful, we just accept ugly."
"Ugly's safe. Know where you are with ugly."
- New Tricks

One of the troubles with the early Greek plays is that there was no
subway. - Ernie Kovacs

Where my gerunds at?
- Reggie Watts

"So, if you two could go be crazy and horrible elsewhere?"
- Cyril Figgis

"Every actor has to make terrible films from time to time, but the
trick is never to be terrible in them." - Christopher Lee

"I think Magical Mystery Tour was the last Spike Milligan film."
- Terry Gilliam

David H. Adler
Last modified: Thu Sep 15 23:33:38 2016