| September 17, 2012: It's not quite as if she were aware the child were there, but something organic was. A dog, or a bird, or a turtle may have done as well. And one can never know in what way her soul was in torment when, in their dark basement, when the child was 5, or 6, or 7, for when life is a nightmare, how can time be recorded, she bent to whisper in the small girl's ear how the Nazis had lured the Jews into the gas chambers, with the promise of a shower. The child heard, but it was only another thing she couldn't grasp, though the horror her mother relayed to her had happened less than two decades before her birth. The girl was told fantasies, in company, that her aunt ate chocolate sandwiches in France, and that the older couple she was told were her aunt's parents, who never spoke at all, well, no one spoke about the concentration camp tattoos she saw years later when their arms were less covered and they still never spoke. No one spoke. Except the woman in the dark basement, to the little girl she may not quite have known was there. That is part of our disease. How could anyone speak when, while the woman was a young teen, word spread amongst American Jews of the horror in Europe, and of how Franklin Roosevelt sent ships filled with desperate Jews back to Europe to perish in unimaginable horror. Jews turned their backs on God and religion. They fought for Civil Rights, many to this day never seeing they only get shat on for it. They want to blend in, so that no one can look at them and say, "Jew!" They have cosmetic surgery to hide. Hide. Hide. This is why so many were drawn to communism; if it makes everyone the same, they thought, then no one will ever point and scream, "Jew!" This is why they work with socialist factions - often running them. Fear. Terror. Horror. Close to 6000 years of it, now. But never an annihilation as effective as Hitler's and those who blindly followed that madman. Except, is it happening again? So soon? All because the few million remaining Jews could never "go home" to Europe again, so they gathered in their original land. And because there were no countries on earth who wanted Jews, the world took a vote and told them they could stay there - in their new nation, called Israel. But our good Muslim friends, who hate just about everything, but especially Jews (maybe because the Jews had God first - no one likes to come in second place), are massing. They are massing to bring about a new Holocaust. To kill every last Jew on the planet. And Mr. Obama appears to be helping them. To all Jews, I wish a healthy New Year, prosperity, and for many not in Israel, wisdom and courage (because those who never abandoned God, mostly those in Israel, already have wisdom and courage, which is both heart, and the power of sight), and the continuing strength of David, facing another, and a newer, one-and-a-half-billion-strong, in pure evil, Goliath. It is now the Jewish New Year 5773. I pray for the names of all good people (especially the child's mother), to be inscribed in the Book of Life. And I will love them all forever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 21, 2012: Until 2009, I never saw the re-make of the 1960's gothic soap opera, "Dark Shadows". When I was a youngster, when the other kids were running off to normal after-school activities, I ran home to watch "Dark Shadows" because my mother would not allow me to do anything but come straight home, alone, after school. I was completely enthralled by the show (and so was my mother, and in fact it was the only thing I could do in her presence that didn't somehow set off her psychoses, but I digress). I joined the fan club in the '80s, I guess, when PBS was re-running it. And then there was a huge DS convention I attended, which was thrilling and... odd. Not long after, word spread that a remake was in the works. I went to a fan club meeting, where the prevailing opinion was that the remake would suck, and everyone was grumbling like true DS purists. I said we should wait and see what they came up with, and that became a factional consensus. Of course, true to my Ascendant Lord in Libra nature, I never bothered to watch the remake at all! So, as I realized in 2009, the 1991 remake of Dark Shadows was extremely well done. The casting, acting, directing, costuming, etc., were excellent. And if only morons like me had actually given it a chance when it came out, we might have gotten more than just 12 or 13 episodes! It is superlative TV for the genre! And it is truly faithful in spirit to the original, except for the onscreen bloopers we loved, such as the actors forgetting their lines, and stage hands creeping across the set to adjust microphones, etc., trying not to be seen. Well, we have only to blame ourselves, and our intransigence. It's of no matter, really, but as I watch it now when it airs on Chiller TV, every time I look at the face of Joanna Going, who's the lovely actress who played "Victoria Winters", I think of feet. I think not of any particular feet, but of feet in the general sense. I see her face, and she is very pretty, and something about it just says "feet". Especially when her mouth is hanging open. I hope this isn't a rude admission; I find it odd and simply 'one of those things' that goes on in one's mind which is completely inexplicable. I wish there were a greater purpose to this entry but, even if there were, it may only be that people who have even the smallest amount of Libra are utterly obnoxious. And I don't mean *that* in a bad way either, because everyone is obnoxious in one way or another. It was the finest remake of any show I've ever seen. Such a shame it didn't catch on. And one of the scariest things about it is that, hereabouts, quite a lot of people look very much like "Willie". *** That being said, Dark Shadows has *nothing* to do with my adoration for "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" which couldn't be more different. I was a latecomer to Buffy, also. The thing about Buffy is that it is entirely allegorical and metaphorical, while still being a witty, and brilliantly entertaining series. There is nothing Buffy does not suffer. Any woman or girl can relate any experience she's ever had, to something that's happened to Buffy. And that's only a part of the brilliance of the show. I would have written Season 7 differently, because it was a sloppy, awful mess, but it was a stroke of genius to give us, the audience, the notion that we are all Buffys. Strong, beautiful (in theory, anyway), and despite every tragedy, enduring. Except for those two titles, I'm completely disengaged from the monster craze which I hear about (or used to, when they still made "Happy Meals" commercials). I still haven't the faintest clue what "Twilight" is all about, and I hope I never do! They can only be copying genius, not creating it. *** I'm unable to write anything about my particular life circumstances now, until the bad situation I'm in is over, which should be relatively soon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- February 13, 2012: I want to live in the Australian underground opal mines. I've been having such awful bouts of dread, since t Saturn has been sextile n Sun, and today it's reinforced by t Mercury opp n Sun (conjunct t Neptune), and trine t Saturn - which usually means bad news - and especially because there's a Sun-Saturn thing in my progressions, which is like... tripling the likelihood of something awful happening, and also especially because tomorrow's Valentine's Day, which is incredibly unlucky for me. Also today, there's a semisquare of t Mars and t Jupiter, with Mars Rx, and Saturn Rx... I struggle very hard with anxiety, and of course the bizarre and horrible stalking thing - it's just so hard to try to feel hopeful, which is exactly what I should do, instead of sitting here with so much panic. If only the freak hadn't followed me. Oh, God. No sooner did the first maniac move away from where I was living 2004-2006, when there was a fire in the other wing and everyone was evacuated, and then I was so freaked! And I should have stayed put, because if I'd only gotten a bicycle sooner, I could have done my shopping in my former area so much more easily. But I didn't! I was so panicked all the time! And no one bothered me there at all - it probably would have been fine to stay there, but I didn't! So, I moved, back to my former area, where there was another freak. So I moved again, and instead of freaks targeting me personally, there were addicts and drunks just partying, making noise all night, smoking God-knows-what, and crashing out from drugs 5 feet from my bed, outside my window. So I moved again, and again, freaks and an enemy bldg. manager! So I moved AGAIN, and it was the worst of all, and I thought, it's this town - I couldn't live there when I was young, and apparently I couldn't live there at all. So I moved again, cross-country, and not from the frying pan into the fire, but from the closest circle of hell, to the very center of it! So I moved again, and this freak FOLLOWED ME! And got in before I did, and wired it up, and THANK YOU GOD, I guess I got the message! Apparently I'm not to run, or if the first 5 or 6 times were necessary to teach me, I'm not to run NOW, because I have to get this criminal caught. I got the message. I have not been able to sleep without willful, or careless, interference, since 2004. I am currently sleeping - napping - from late afternoon, until whenever the freak wakes me in the evening. Then I'm up all night, and most of the day - by 8 AM I feel sick to my stomach, dizzy, and exhausted. I never got to unpack STILL, so the place is awful. I'm out of tears. I'm numb. No transportation, broken back, no money for cleaners, no laundry, no bath tub, no place to put my bicycle for riding, no intercom, no doorbell... And STILL, if the freak had not followed me here, I'd have been happy here, because my system of criteria WORKS. I'd have fixed it up, made it cute, lots of sun and space, lovely bookcases holding all my happy things (which weren't yet stolen or lost)... gotten my health back! This is such a great little city, too; it's like an encapsulated "cool" new place in Brooklyn that the papers haven't discovered yet and ruined - except it's not in Brooklyn, or anywhere near there - it's similar. It's kind of like Williamsburg used to be, with some Red Hook mixed in. If I could only walk again, it would be so excellent to find all my favorite spots, and there'd be so many of them. I didn't even know how really great it is here when I moved here - I was just looking according to price and my "system". And I found what could have been a jewel for me. It felt like home, despite the inconveniences, and I was certain I'd get back on my feet, and my luck was finally going to change for the better. But the FREAK FOLLOWED ME HERE! And I have the disgusting job of getting the dirtbag caught. What was I thinking when I agreed to this incarnation? It has to be the worst in the used-to-be-free world. I'll find out eventually. Today, I'll just have to deal with whatever Saturn-Mercury is dishing out (to my n Sun in the house of crisis, loss, and death, conjunct the planet of crisis, loss, and death, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!). I have a sinking feeling I know what it will be about, but it could be about anything. When it comes to my chart, my objectivity is not. What is it called when you're suffering from Post-Traumatic-Stress while you're still in the midst of traumatic stress? I just want my life to get normal again (normal for me). I want to be able to lie down to sleep, knowing I have my privacy, etc. Long ago, I saw a bunch of my future SR's, and conventional numerology indicated the latter part of my life would be fraught. I hoped it wasn't to be. But it is. I have to cheer up somehow. Maybe I can do a minute or two of Swiffing. That really would cheer me up. There's dust here from before the Fall of the Roman Empire. I have got to get some strength back. It's just - when I think about this situation, it's like being - there are no words to describe it. None. -------- There's a movie, whose title I forgot, which is strange, and heartbreaking. It's about a soldier in Napoleon's army, whose brigade is marching through Egypt, when he and another soldier become separated from their brigade, somehow. The older soldier dies of thirst, I think, and then the young soldier is lost and alone, in the Egyptian desert. He hides in a cave. A tigress (I think), seems to hang out around the cave, and she's watching him when he wakes up. He's frightened, and he barely dares to breathe. But he knows she knows where there is water, and when she ambles off, he follows her, terrified. And indeed she leads him to water, and he lies flat, his face in the water, drinking and drinking in desperate thirst. He looks at the tigress, and she looks at him. She is not threatening him, so he revels in this wealth of water, splashing his head in it, maybe sitting immersed. After a while, he returns to the cave, and he is alarmed that the tigress follows him. But she doesn't threaten. After another while, she finds prey and makes her kill for food, and the soldier follows her, watching her closely until she seems to have eaten her fill. Then he begins to devour the raw meat left by the tigress, in his terrible hunger. He finds that the tigress appears to care for him, and she keeps him out of harm's way. They are friends. He talks to her, and asks her what should her name be? He tries a few, and they don't seem to fit. He finds one which they both seem to think is agreeable (but I don't know how to spell it). They play together, wrestling, and the tigress purrs. Days pass. And weeks. One day, he wakes to find the tigress has run off, and the soldier is alarmed, and confused, until he finally spots her, playing with a tiger. He moans with jealousy. He goes to the water and uses the dead soldier's impractical paints to paint his body with tiger marks. She is the love of his life, and he cannot bear to be without her. He moans, and he cries. For days. Time has passed. Still hiding in the cave, the soldier is one day overjoyed because the tigress has finally returned to him. Her love for him transcends her form, just as his love, for her. He rubs his face into her coat, and they simply adore each other. There is never a violation on the part of either of them, but their love is something beyond platonic. Not long after the tigress returns, the soldier hears his brigade marching back again. He is frantic, because not to go back to them means treason and certain death. He does not want to leave the tigress, but he knows he has no choice. Moreover, he knows that if the soldiers see a tiger near him, they will assume he is in danger and they will shoot her. He can't bear the thought - she would suffer. She would die. He tells her she must not follow him, and he uses a rope to tie her to something, at least until he can rejoin his brigade and ensure her safety. For the first time, the tigress is angry with him. She growls, and frees herself, and runs and tackles him. He is pleading, begging, while fending off her non-lethal anger. He realizes she will not be stopped from following him. He cannot keep her safe. He cannot prevent her suffering by the careless brutality of his brigade. In emotional agony, he takes his rifle, and he kills her instantly. At least she would not suffer. This movie just popped into my mind, and I'm not sure why. It hurts so much. It reminds me of the lifetime I spent with my cat, our love so similar. She was my one true love. I miss her painfully. I miss her dreadfully. She was my heart. She was often my savior. She was absolutely my savior. I'm very tired. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 31, 2012: The teeth which broke a few weeks ago have been throbbing with pain, off and on. Because my (soon to be ex?) doctor is playing some sort of pissing contest with me, she will not let me have my pain meds (or anxiety meds) and the abrupt reduction of both is making me sicker than I already was last week. On Saturday I had to go to the ER (wonder what THAT co-pay is gonna be) all because this doctor is in some kind of gay pissing contest - I WAS SICK last week when I was supposed to see her; I'm so sorry I missed the chance to projectile vomit all over the office. I did call on short notice to tell them, because I was hoping the shroud of death upon me would lift and allow me to rise from my bed and get there. It didn't. The ER doc on Saturday only gave me enough tabs until Monday, saying she was sure my doc would call in my pain & anxiety stuff. I couldn't even get the ER scrip anxiety stuff from the pharmacy, because my doc made a computer notation that I could get the meds ONLY FROM HER, and SHE HAD DISAPPEARED! So I could not get the small amount the ER doc prescribed! Yesterday, she REFUSED to call in my meds, saying via various other office personnel I had to be seen by her before I could get them. And my appointment isn't until tomorrow, and I'm sick & in agony. That's when I decided I was through. The only way I don't take a trip is if her medical assistant will call them today. It will still be too late, though. My only option is to go back to the ER, or go elsewhere. And I need to wash, but my body is messed up and doesn't know what it should do or can do - and my brain can't figure it out. And I can't go out looking and stinking like this, but unless I go elsewhere, where it's "come as you are", I must go back to the ER ASAP. I'm in way too much pain to shower - my hips feel like they'll snap, and my back is broken, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I haven't slept, because the psychopath got me on the exact OPPOSITE sleep schedule (when the freak lets me sleep at all) which is NATURAL for my body. I am sleeping from approx 7PM to 2AM, and by 9AM I am dead. My natural sleep rhythm is to go to sleep around 2 AM and wake around 10 to 11 AM. I usually have always needed about 10 hours of sleep (even before all these meds) - now I'm getting like 2 to 6 hours of sleep, at the exact opposite of my normal sleep rhythm. (If I sleep from 2 or 3 AM to 10 or 11 AM, I can stay up, with energy, for 16 hours on one cup of morning coffee; now that I'm sleeping so much less and at the exact opposite hours, I could inject adrenaline (or crack) directly into my heart, and still be dead on my feet by 9 AM.) And that's when I decided to go - yesterday, when she would not respond to my desperate pleas. If you want me dead, just say so. YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE IT HAPPEN SO EASILY & PAINLESSLY, AND I WON'T TELL A SOUL. I used to like her. She's kinda gay, I think, and she hugged me once, and we had long talks, and she held my hands, examining them (perhaps for injection marks? If I had anything to inject, I wouldn't have been there), and stroking them, and telling me they were beautiful. [People used to say that all the time, when I was younger, but I haven't been around people in a very long time, and anyway, now awful little brown spots - very pale still - have begun to appear, and I know, if I stick around, one day my hands will be ugly.] But I happened to mention I'm an astrologer and she got angry and said she didn't believe in astrology. I told her I didn't believe in doctors. So now she's pulling sort of a bitchy power trip on me, not letting me get my meds FROM ANYONE! One of the prescriptions is very dangerous to stop cold turkey - seizures and death can happen (not that I care about that, it's the misery before that I'm REALLY not into). And I need a dentist like three years ago, and now another tooth just completely shattered a few weeks ago, and I'm going to be paying for ER visits JUST TO GET MY PAIN & ANXIETY MEDS! YOU DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH SOMEONE IN SEVERE PAIN WHO HAS PANIC DISORDER! BECAUSE FOR US, THE WORLD REALLY IS ENDING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! Why do I keep getting doctors who are attracted to me? I've looked like hell since 2002. The bastard shrink who SOLD ME OUT to the likes of Tariq Latif had wanted to set me up in an apartment in his office building, paying part of my rent. And I didn't think that was strange at the time? And this doc sits and caresses my hands. I didn't, and don't, mind, because it was very calming. But I think it's kind of her deal happening here - she hates my guts now, or something, or wants to show who's top dog. It doesn't matter. I still don't believe in doctors, and I never will. I do believe in medicines made from ingredients found in nature - the stronger the better. If she's playing a game with my life, because I insulted her vanity, all the more reason to just get it over with. I'm nothing, and have never been anything other, but a sacrifice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 31, 2012: Yes. The world has sacrificed me, via stupid police, vile little shrinkies, its collective shadow of repressed rage, and sheer indifference. I accept. If I were younger and had my physical strength, I'd have succeeded in defeating the psychopath, and sent it to prison. That's why Jim told me, begged me, to quit smoking. He knew this horror would come. He knew I'd be sacrificed unless I were strong, because people despise the weak. Jim was the only human being who ever loved me. I will be a sacrifice for the undeserving, because I'm so bone tired. I will be the sacrifice the world wants me to be, because I present inconvenient truths wherever I go. I bequeath to the indifferent, conformist, anti-individual, "See-No-Evil" monkeys, who dislike inconvenient truths, a depraved, sadistic, evolving, highly intelligent, soulless psychopath, who will torture vulnerable women, probably for decades, because the world would not allow me to stop him. I have not described in detail *how* he does the torture, because it's so depraved and unbelievable you'd have to see it for yourself. So, I bequeath this monster to the world. I predict he will even achieve fame and fortune via his set-ups, convincing idiotic reality TV shows of "haunted houses" to broadcast to the fools who watch that crap. But all the while, he'll have a victim. One after another, after another... And her life will always end prematurely because no one will believe her, and shrinkies will put her on brain damaging drugs, which will cause strokes, diabetes, etc., or she'll just plain sign off, like I will. Hey, Aquarian Age, betcha never thought human sacrifice would make a come back! It has, AND HOW! *** To one individual Aquarian I know, whose birthday I let pass me by, I have always loved you. It's too bad whatever weirdness stopped you feeling all right about me, way back when. But believe me, it was so much worse for me. Everything I told you is true. But I love you with all my heart, despite everything. And I wish you had listened to your grandfather, and I wish my Saturn didn't oppose your Venus. And a lot of the time, I wish you weren't an Aquarian, even though who you are is someone amazing, whose character and mind I've always admired so much. And please feel free to go ballistic on the cops and the shrinkies once you find out the truth. It's not in the 'medical records', which are all lies, but Tariq Latif told me "if [I] EVER called the cops about the psychopath again, [they] would commit me to the state insane asylum for the rest of [my] life." I think you might be the only one who actually would do anything on my behalf, due to the rage you'll suffer once I'm gone (I'm in very poor physical health, now). (I know a real lot about that rage phase of grief - you'll probably hate me, too - it's perfectly normal, even in cases of natural death.) Not saying I'm going anywhere, but... one never does know. (By the way, I want a simple cremation & no funeral or service of any kind. You can flush my cremains, for all I care.) I love you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 25, 2012: I'm getting email from things that live under bridges, so I will no longer answer email unless it comes directly from the sender's ISP account. If you are new to this page, I'm mystical and stuff in earlier posts, so if that's what you're into, scroll down to the bottom, and begin there. I still haven't thought of a name for the religion I invented! [And it's a good & true religion you would want to convert to. :-] TV Talk: I love that Jorge guy, and he's in a great role, on "Alcatraz", but the show itself isn't grabbing me, so far. I can see it's an allegorical political statement regarding all the absolute SHIT of the 1960s (like Saul Alinsky, Van Jones, Bill Ayers, etc.) suddenly having popped back up from seemingly nowhere, to plague us all over again. Like the scum prisoners in "Alcatraz", they are enemies of the American people, who really ought to emigrate to "Russia", only they'd have no power or money there - MONEY, they HATE it, yet they HAVE SO MUCH OF IT! Hmm. No, they hate for US to have it. But it's fine for *them* to get as much as they want. The metaphor is impossible to overlook, at this point, and even though they're using the same sorts of sets and the same music from "Lost", there isn't much reason, except for Jorge, to watch the show. As for "Ringer", looks like it's been canceled, 'cause, uh, where IS it? It was supposed to return the 1st week of January. Note to that channel - advertising! If you let people KNOW that SMG has a brand new show, doncha think her fans would TUNE IN? Geez - I only happened upon it by sheer accident, channel surfing the evening of its premiere! C'mon and bring back Ringer! I'd rather see her on TV than not at all (yes, I know she's made movies - it's not the same as a TV series with an hour per week). Another BIG problem is that there were SO MANY ADS during each ep, I saw more cars and burgers and junk than I saw of the damned show! DON'T GIVE ME ONLY 25-30 MINUTES of a 44 MINUTE EPISODE, AND CALL IT A TV SHOW, you network TWITS! It looks as if Fox has a new show they're going to premiere soon. I hope it will be good. Their TV dramas really seem to trounce their competitors', now that "Lost" and "Medium" are over. "Justified", on FX, looks like a possibly good show, but I only caught an ep or two; it's not as if I've been following it from the beginning. Fox definitely has the market cornered on 'strangely original". (And don't even MENTION any of the AMC crap to me, much less ABC, NBC, or CBS!) There's a new channel called YouToo now. I *suspect*, but I'm not certain, that if you download their app to make "fame spots", it might have spyware embedded which can search your computer or what-have-you for unlicensed media content. Don't they realize that sharing TV eps is no different from taping shows on a VCR? Zero difference. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 22, 2011: More TV Talk: Just a quick heads up, if you liked the phenomenal TV show, "Lost": Its creators have a new show starting Monday, January 16, 2012, called "Alcatraz". I don't think it will be anything like a ghost story, at least not a typical one, and I have high hopes for it. Really looking forward to it! And, thank God for the Winter Solstice! Finally, gradually, the days will lengthen again. I'm so sick of the dearth of sunlight. Happy Holidays to all! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 21, 2011: TV Talk [And some other stuff] : Now that I've seen the past three shocking episodes of American Horror Story, I realized they did something kind of clever. They've invented a whole 'nother kind of zombie. There are so many reasons why this country is succumbing to zombie fever, and every other kind of monster we could think of. Our country is dead. We feel dead (numb & senseless, as in "what has happened?" and "where is our common sense?" - common being a key word because the country is so wildly split politically we can't seen to find political common ground anywhere). Our entertainment only mirrors ourselves, collectively. And with the whole zombie nonsense in entertainment, AHS has invented a new zombie - a ghost who's corporeal, and a lot more than just one of them. They're mirrors of ourselves, metaphorically. At least, of all the ills within our culture (adultery, murder, etc.). This is a novel way of telling a zombie story, not that I necessarily endorse the show. But it's interesting because of its excesses, writing, and acting. And they've given us a whole new and vastly different breed of zombie. In tonight's season finale, the shrink gives an excellent admission that psychiatry is, at best, only a fruitless racket, which helps no one. THANK YOU. SOME TRUTH! [I really implore you to "JUST SAY NO" to psychiatry and its extremely dangerous, devastating, brain damaging drugs. They subjectively invent "illnesses" which have NO ORGANIC ORIGIN, and then they DIS-invent others, such as homosexuality, at their whim and whimsy, because gay men can organize protests, and bully the shrinkies into removing homosexuality from the mental illness lists. Shrinks are flim-flammers playing with your brain, much like the apes, in the original movie version of "Planet of the Apes". What they still do is every bit as barbaric as anything they did in past centuries. STOP THEM. For REAL care of emotional disturbance, look into Dr. Peter Breggin's methods, and the practitioners of musculature pressure, discovered and pioneered by Dr. Wilhelm Reich. I so wish his method were the one in standard practice but, no, the DRUG COMPANIES WANT YOU BUYING THEIR PILLS, and the shrinkies get off on their little power trips! JUST SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] If you're into zombie stuff, which I'm really not, this is a far more interesting show than the boring and stock, "The Walking Dead", which is as dull as any other zombie stuff because there's really no plot, not much creative writing, and an all around stupid show (like everything else I've seen on AMC). *** Onto The Waltons (yes, the original 1970s show), I speculate there were at least three writers for the kids alone. One of them wrote John-Boy and Mary Ellen, another wrote Ben, Jason, and Erin, and another wrote Jim-Bob and Elizabeth. I should look into it, though - this is my own guesswork. Elizabeth - oh how she reminds me of my chart (and me). She's often the inconvenient, or thoughtless, or unpleasant catalyst for bad/hurtful things which later turn out to be unwittingly helpful, if not welcome at the time, for others. I'm not sure if I've ever been helpful at all, but I do know I'm often inconvenient, thoughtless, and unpleasant in daily life, if I'm in contact with anyone. I'm my harshest judge, though, once I realize my mistakes. The only way I could avoid these mistakes would be if I just quit speaking entirely. And that's probably not going to happen. What's interesting is how much I'm understanding so recently, for the first time, about my early life. So many obvious things! You'd *think* they'd be obvious, but they weren't, because there was so much other stuff piled up on top of them. For example, I've never felt comfortable with the name "Gail", and I realized why (the reason is so simple!). And I never understood my reactions, or my lack of reactions, to human touch ("good touch"), and I realized why (the reason is so simple! - and probably not what you're thinking). I won't explain why, because I won't say anything which brings others into this, without their knowledge or blessing. In any case, that's why I've used my middle name in my by-lines - I have better associations to it, but still, most people know me as "Gail", so I couldn't drop the "Gail" part. [Maybe that's why I really should have.] :-) What a life it's been. BUT, I did do what I thought would be impossible, yet set out to do anyway, which was to find the meaning of life. Wow, did I find that out! It's been many years since, but I sure did find out. I just haven't been very good at making use of what I've learned. It's kind of funny to think most people probably haven't a clue, or think it's an impossible thing to know. (It's so simple!) [Yeah, I'm kinda bragging, but for that one thing I did accomplish, I'm really proud of myself.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 7, 2011: Okay. Here it is, simply put, about why I'm fascinated by the TV show, Sons of Anarchy. You know how when you visit a person's house for the first time and it's absolutely immaculate? You can smell the absolute absence of life, or maybe an air freshener, or whatever was just used to disinfect everything you see? And the glass tables are sparkling and they ask you not to wear your shoes on the white carpet, while they uneasily eye your socks or feet? And the only books you see are those giant ones made for show on a glass table? And you don't even dare to use the rest room? YOU'RE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS! You are supremely uncomfortable! Well that's what this country has BECOME! Everywhere you turn some jerk is saying, oh, you can't eat here, or you can't chew gum here, or, aren't you going to recycle that, or YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! We're walking on eggshells in our own damned country, in our own damned towns, and sometimes in our own damned homes. This is not freedom. This is not our country. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 7, 2011: I'm still here. And still working on how to get a psychopath caught. By the way, I haven't been describing what's going on for a few good reasons, and I obviously can't publicize whatever I'm planning to do to get him caught. Please wish me good luck. Speaking of psychopaths, I saw the 4th Season finale of SOA (but only one carrier's version of it), and I have to say, if the series ended right here, it would rank among the 3 BEST TV series' finales in history, along with Star Trek Voyager's, and Lost's. I did not see the twists in last night's show coming, at all. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, or who may want to watch the whole series for the first time at some point in the future, so I'll only touch lightly on a few points. First, we knew from the season opener that "Jax" would probably never have a life in the "straight" world that most of us inhabit, with normal jobs, etc., even though he and his girlfriend [who was mainly unaware of his activities, and an innocent, until the first part of the 4th season finale] were planning it in earnest in the 4th season opener. And he'd been planning to get free of club life since at least season 2. In the 4th season opener, depending on which TV provider you have, or which airing you watched (I watched 3 - two of three airings the first night, and the encore the next night, and wasn't given the whole scene), you might not have seen the expression on Jax's face while he stabbed one of "the Russians" to death, before lightly saying, "It's just business." It wasn't shown on any of the airings broadcast by my cable provider - I saw it in an airing by a different TV provider. [All TV providers edit shows, either for content, or commercial time. You just never know what they're editing unless you see it from a different provider, or a different airing, or finally on DVD.] The stabbing scene is longer than what I first saw. It is 'up close and personal' to stab someone's guts with a hunting knife. And the expression on Jax's face was not shown during the airings by my provider, because they edited it so that all you'd know was that "The Sons" were killing members of an enemy's organization, and Jax used a knife. But if you saw this broadcast from a carrier who did not edit it, all I can say without spoiling too much is that you know Jax will probably never be able to blend into the ordinary world with his nice, respectable, high-school-sweetheart, doctor girlfriend (which is who *she* still is at the 4th season opener...). I was as surprised as Jax by the twists in last night's 2nd part finale. But it was EXCELLENT TV - absolutely standout, standing ovation work. One quibble: They needn't have shown the photo again at the end, because it was already obvious in my mind. One extra rave: I'm not sure yet if it was Ron singing the old song during the last few minutes but, if it was, again - THAT VOICE! Amazing power. And it begins right after "Tara" utters those two sad, painful, cynical words - THAT was a masterful blend of writing, acting, song lyricism, power, and emotion. The 2nd season also closes with an amazing song, so music - when it's used right and it's good - I have always said, has the power to elevate visual material to an incredible degree. This was the best season so far, I think, although I still haven't seen the first! In the second season, though, I got to know "Gemma", and I liked the character a lot, both for her strength and her vulnerability. We saw less of her in the 3rd season (I didn't care for the 3rd season much at all), and there were times I liked the Gemma character, and times I didn't - and at the end of the 3rd season, I was just grateful that it looked as if a new plot twist were being hatched so that there'd be a 4th, and better, season. And there was. And now, we're looking at all sorts of possibilities for a 5th season so, please, writers of SOA, make it as good as the 4th! I discovered another few reasons why this show had appealed to me, while I wondered about it the past week from time to time. The main reason is FREEDOM. The characters do live on the fringes of society, but at first, they seemed not as much a gang, but more as group in a closely knit small town, very much valuing their families and relationships. They were unofficial guardians of their little town who, unlike a mafia, asked for nothing in return, but got a few free passes from local merchants, who knew the only reason they weren't being replaced by a Walmart was the presence of the club. And the motorcycle is, for some of us, a symbol of freedom. Freedom has been something I've been chasing for a long time, and the show struck a chord for me which harmonized with my inner symphony - the Music of the Spheres, if you like, which is unique within each of us. I look forward to a 5th season with hope, and dread. I'm not sure if the writers can follow this past 4th season with as much brilliance another time around. But here's hoping. [Especially since this brilliant 4th season, I have faith in Kurt Sutter, the creator of the show.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 2, 2011: I'd just like to add that I'm experiencing a living nightmare, as described many times on the "Sunsigns" pages, and I'm so extremely upset at the moment (having to do with a doctor and prescriptions, on top of everything else), you might be spared the inconvenience of my predicament any further than this, possibly final, post. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ December 2, 2011: I just want to clarify that the phrase "Social Justice", which I used in my prior post, refers to the "One World Order" movement, which would be about as utopian as Stalin's USSR, and Mao's Red China. It's like being against the US holiday, Thanksgiving (which the "Willow" character is, in Buffy, speaking for the writers), because you don't know the true history of it. And it's a lot like being a self-hating Jew (I have permission to use that phrase, just in case it offends you), who'd gleefully say, regarding the plot of whichever episode it was, "It's the Final Solution", as the "Willow" character in Buffy does, in an earlier season, which I guess the writers, or Whedon thought was "cute". The actors were young and can be forgiven for not knowing history. The writers, "not so much." And for anyone wondering why I'm pissed off about *that*, when I'm not complaining about the "racial inequality" because the show is practically all white, that was sort of the point of the show: People living in places they think will be safe, when there are monsters where you'd least expect them, or just about everywhere. Some of them were even on the writing staff, apparently. I love the show, but I obviously have some real problems with some of the writing/thinking in places (and in most of the final season). For the most part, it contains a lot of truth (maybe they were trying to show how ignorant Willow was!), and if you've never watched it, all you have to do is watch "the musical episode", and it will more or less give you a sense of how much wisdom the show could have. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 1, 2011: I've had so much I wanted to write about, it became overwhelming just to pick a topic. Instead, I'm going to talk about TV, because I never mentioned how glad I was to see SMG back in a show - this time, "Ringer", which is roughly a take on the Bette Davis movie, "Dead Ringer" about evil twins - in the movie, both were evil. In the TV show, so far only one is evil. I could discuss the dynamics and symbolism of the "twins concept" - politically, we're a country deeply divided and polarized, each side of which would claim the other is the "evil" twin, and we all know everyone (except me) is a liar. But that's boring, so instead, I'll note how happy I am seeing SMG in anything on TV, even though at first, "Ringer" seemed like an awful show - but it has picked up some steam. I'll also note that I suspect SMG and Katey Sagal must know each other and be mutually sympathetic, which I'm happy about because I like them both so much. Check this: on SOA, Gemma's DIL is called Tara (from Buffy). On Ringer, SM's best friend is called Gemma. On Ringer, AB (who played Tara on Buffy) had a bit part this past ep. I think there was another connection, but I'm exhausted and can't think of it. All I ask is if they're going to add a "Willow", on either show, please make her the skankiest whore possible. [I say this because I'm watching Buffy 7th Season which I HATE, in re-runs (and I HATED IT first run), and I can sense that the actors had grown cold towards each other, and Hannigan is no catch on any show. I can forgive SMG, but not Whedon or Hannigan for the antisemitic jabs and "jokes" which the writers wrote throughout Buffy, and which Hannigan played (someone should have told her). Anyway, it's the worst renditional season of any truly great TV show, with a truly great star, and given time, I can explain exactly how they could have done it differently and so much better. Nevertheless, Hannigan has a snotty little face, and a snotty little soul, and the only time I found her to be a sympathetic character was when she was the "stereotypical Jew dyke" (whose on-screen, rarely-seen, mother was the stereotypical "social justice" type), and Amber Benson {sp?}, who played Tara, and who was an accomplished actress befopre and since her role on Buffy, which she played more than beautifully, still lit up Hannigan's scenes.] I have no idea if I'd like Sarah Michelle Gellar in person, but on screen, she's a very good actress - proving it sometimes subtly, as 6th Season Buffy, begging Tara *not* to forgive her, in a scene which most people would find baffling, or in her new roles in "Ringer", where the bad twin is very bad, and the good twin is, thank God, the one we see the most of. As for SOA, I was going to say this last night, but some idiot did on the FMC before I got the chance - it's turned into MacBeth. I began watching it because 2nd Season Katey is so fascinating, and anyone who liked the 80s show "Beauty and the Beast" would be familiar with Ron, whose velvet voice spoke such beautiful poetry. Here we see Ron play a real beast - a psychopath - killing everything in his way. I wondered why this show appealed to me, and at first it was the rawness and grit. Then I wondered again what could possibly be appealing about the show (I stopped admiring the Gemma character quite as much 3rd season), and I thought, well, maybe because it's a poor man's "Godfather", only I'd never much liked mob stories before. This season, which might be the last, has amazing acting (Jax is a true psychopath, NOTHING like his dad, but not yet as insane as Clay, his step-dad), plot lines and dialogue with actual interest and intricacy (for example, check out the power Gemma's had all along, in this man's world), and the whole entropy thing is really happening now which makes me think the show should probably end after next week's 4th Season Finale. By the way, depending on what time you watch this show, you will miss a key second here and there which you should not miss (the station repeats it about three times, each airing date). For that matter, it probably makes a whole lot more sense to watch the DVDs, because this isn't a show which translates easily to non-premium cable. Maybe the thing I wonder the most is why I've still never bothered to watch the first seaseon... I really am amazed by this season - how well done everything is, the acting, writing, etc. Moving on to "American Horror Story" which is so over the top, it seems undoable at all, I can't imagine an ending that won't be hokey. It got hokey last night when the whole Anti-Christ issue was broached, right after it had become slightly less insane once we found out that anyone who died on the premises more or less stayed there forever... Since it starts with a doctor in the early 20th Century who performs illegal abortions, I thought this might be a TV show version of the anti-abortion "horror houses" they set up for Halloween (or year round), and there's a chance that's still what it will turn out to be. In any case, another fine show depicting mainstream psychiatrists at their best. Other than that, before I got sick and my schedule flipped over, I've been watchng more hours of The Waltons than one would think healthily, or at all, possible. Maybe I need them to balance out the three others? In couch potato solidarity (except I have no couch) with TV addicts everywhere, I remain (almost) yours, glued to the screen. Not happy about the lasting results of the "cold" I caught. If I like you, and you smoke, I hope you'll stop before it comes to this. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 25, 2011: As Halloween approaches, I can recommend two very scary movies, which don't involve "slash & hack" gore. But they're not for kids under 14, in my opinion. The first is "The Others", with Nicole Kidman, which came out in the past decade. I'd seen it before, but because the dialogue is mostly whispered, I missed quite a lot, and wasn't impressed with it. But I saw it last night on TV, with captioning, and it was a whole new movie to me. It's spooky, scary, creepy, and very sad at the end. The 2nd would be the original version of "The Haunting", with Julie Harris and Claire Bloom. I first saw that one when I was maybe a tween or younger, and it was the scariest movie I'd ever seen, back then. (And I didn't scare easily by movies as a kid, due to my real life circumstances.) There are a lot of others I could recommend, but if you want a traditionally spooky movie night on Halloween, those two fill the bill. If you wanted anything creepy and *fun*, as opposed to chilling, there are probably dozens, made in the 1950s - 1970s, like "Dr. Terror's House of Horror", etc. I still wouldn't recommend that one for kids under 12, except the world has been pushed so far into decline in every way, most 12 year olds would probably be bored and would rather see all the blood and guts garbage coming out in droves, instead. But, if you do monitor the types of media which *are* appropriate for your kids, then for younger kids, stick with the "Peanuts" cartoons for Halloween, until it's their bedtime, and then have a scary night with the grown-up stuff, if you wish to - that's sensible. Scary novies can be a good way to temporarily redirect the very real fears facing most of us, now. But if you find they only make you feel edgier, which is another very normal reaction, plan a night with your favorite comedies and popcorn, instead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 17, 2011: When you think about all the ways you're on the radar, and all the ways your actions and habits are constantly being tracked and stored on various databases and servers, only one thing in this revolting Orwellian world truly disgusts me: Practically all of you have forgotten that God (yours AND mine) is watching every single thing you do. When you know some POS is preying on someone else, not even anyone you like or know, probably, and you say or do nothing about it, God is watching you aid and abet the POS in its criminal sadism. When you at last face God (yours or mine), and God confronts you with all the things you've done knowingly to harm others, or to not stop someone else from harming another, when you had knowledge it was being done, and you could have stopped it, or to refuse to help someone who begged you to help stop an evil-doer, how can you possibly defend yourself? It was not fear that stopped you, it was purely indifference. For the sake of your own convenience, you shrugged it off - IF you had a conscience, maybe thinking you don't have time, and it probably isn't happening anyway because s/he must be crazy, and besides all that, times are tough, and you have to focus on yourself... But it's exactly when times are tough YOU ARE BEING TESTED. And you are being closely watched. For those of you who have forgotten God is watching everything you do or fail to do, I'm grateful I haven't got so many years left to be stuck on this rock with you. There are a lot of things about myself I'm grateful for. I'm not an extraordinary person, but I am a human being. I also know I have an eternal soul. And as fate would have it, I've never identified myself very much (if at all) with my body - the lump of flesh my soul has had to inhabit (for way too long!), so it doesn't freak me as much as it would a water or earth person that the stalker can see my body - the POS can't see my soul. Even if he could, he'd have no idea what it was. It was also fortunate that, at the same time I was deciding to incarnate for a lifetime of suffering, I managed to arrange maximum inner strength. It doesn't stop me from screaming when I'm tortured, but I've never heard of anyone who could keep from screaming during torture. But there are limits to everything. Did you know that even if I had rock solid knowledge of a crime, the police would dismiss it, and me, because I'd been locked up on the whim of an imbecile shrink working at a paupers' hospital on the basis of a ten minute 'interview' during which I was terrified and couldn't hide it? Reputation destroyed. All one ever has in life is one's word, and reputation. You can lose your home, belongings, job, and family. And with one scribble on some idiot's notepad (who practices a capricious and highly subjective pseudo-"medicine"), your reputation is erased. Who you are, in order to function in the world, is erased. But in the countenance of God, who witnesses every injustice, and every crime, you are never erased. Thank you, God! By the way, 40 years ago, would it have been commonplace to give powerful, brain damaging, psychiatric drugs to roughly 1 in 5 elementary school children? (Much less adults!) WHY DO YOU ALLOW IT, NOW? Hey, shrinkies, God's watching you! Hey, landlords, God's watching you! Hey, 'neighbors', God's watching you! HEY, Y'ALL, GOD'S WATCHING YOU! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 9, 2011 (Yet Again): Actually, this only brings us right back to a core paradox. An accident could be interpreted as leeway, rather than error. That would please you, if you believe in free will. So, we have to accept that fate and free will coexist in some sort of proportion. I suspected there was some measure of free will, even if it were only to do with little things, like eating a whole cake, or only a slice of it. Even compulsives who know their actions are wrong, such as the stalker freak that hijacked my life, *could choose* to seek help - but if he has no conscience and feels no guilt (which I believe to be the case), then we're firmly back in the land of fate, because bad things like him are born, more than we make them so. The ideas which follow where this (temporarily) leaves off, are painful. But remember what I said further down about time, if it helps - everything is already just a memory. Possibly a helpful meditation if the memory is painful. (But if it's a memory of something awful which just happened - relative to our slow earth time - you'll have to experience the pain in order to get through it, and you can; you do have the strength to do it.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 9, 2011 (Again): Nothing is an accident. So, God (according to my religion) is capable of error. But everything is also fated. In this context, imagine that whatever you are, right down to your tiniest habits, was already a thought in development at the nothing-time of the Big Bang. If you just turned 26, you didn't begin 26 years (and nine months) ago - you began at the very beginning. And not in the sense of "we are stardust", but in the sense of you were, all those billions of years ago, already fated to be reading this stuff at this moment, while doing whatever else you're doing right now. Now is always a relative concept anyway. But never quite-so, as at that nothing-time in which everything began. You know, I have no idea why you read this stuff. I know why I write it - because my life was over before it began, so this is my mental comfort food. You can laugh. It's definitely allowed. :-) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 9, 2011: It seems like an interesting correllation, that as the universe continues to expand (driven at the first by purely nothing), the more empty people have become, and the more remote their methods of relating. (I say "their" because I'm only observing - it has nothing to do with feeling above it.) This is the Aquarian Age. The emptiness. It could be promising, if we could learn to look into each other's eyes ever again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August 15, 2011: It's not as if I can't drag my body from my bed to the kitchen or bathroom, or even up and down the stairs to go out, but I can't manage a lot more than that. It's strange to experience deterioration. Time is an illusion. At once I can remember what it was like to be confined in a stroller as a small child and it's as if no time has passed. We age, and internally we can feel both as old as the hills, and as young as our stroller and highchair days, simultaneously. And the older one gets, the more swiftly earth time seems to pass, until you become terminally ill and then it seems to drag on eternally. When this universe began, since, according to what we know of the physical universe, nothing is faster than the speed of light, that's precisely what caused such rapid expansion - nothing! It moves faster than the speed of light. Chronology is a teaching aid for those of us who've had to keep repeating our lessons, like delinquent children. It doesn't stop in the afterlife for quite a while. There's some faint mass which our souls retain, and we still experience something of time. We're not yet in the vortex of completion (nothing is) in which there is a perfection of consciousness and everything is known and understood and God exists as perfect love and unity. It could be aeons before that happens, according to time as we understand it in daily earth life. But it still alters to an extent when the soul finally escapes the awful mass and density of the body and the earth. I experienced the "presense" of certain loved ones who have preceded me for varying lengths of earth time. For them, I have no idea what sort of duration they experienced. The more the soul is grieved by its actions on earth, or the more its love for those left behind, are factors which influence its attachment, or the duration of time its presense might be sensed by still-earthbound loved ones. But in a relatively short period of maybe one or two earth years, which might be as minutes or seconds as freed consciousness, the soul detaches from its shed personality and opens up to understanding it is only another of its many sojourns and personalities and is absorbed, as the soul withdraws from this lowest vibration. At that point, if we felt the presense of a loved one who passed on, we feel s/he is gone. We feel abandoned and deceive ourselves into thinking his/her love is gone. But it's not! Love, and what we've managed to learn, are forever. The person who loved me most still loves me, but even more purely without the imperfections of the personality. The person is still a unique soul. The person is, and always will be, my soul mate (of which we all have very many). We may not be able to so strongly sense a loved one's personality as a presense anymore, but the soul who has absorbed that incarnation into memory along with so many other ones, loves us with the enhanced, from so many other incarnations together and work we shared between them, and more pure, love of the unfettered (or less fettered) soul. When all of us have completed our lessons; when all of us have satisfied the requirements of God, then we join in unity/love, and exist out of time. It's probably both an eternity, and over faster than the speed of light. And we're there right this instant, remembering this exact moment. And then it will be over, faster than the speed of light, because God will think of something else to do or make and we're all given new assignments (or not) - and it's probably already happened but we just don't remember it yet. I know, this sounds like some sort of nutty stuff (don't worry, there's still some heaven for the good and hell for the bad). Right or wrong, I have some weird religion of my own - I just can't think of a name for it (as if it needs one). I'm so tired. But it's fun to think this is all just a sad memory. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ August 14, 2011: It's amazing how quickly health goes. One week you can walk and ride a bike, and a month later you can barely stand up. But you think it will get better, but it doesn't because a sociopath is stalking & torturing you and in such a bizarre way no one believes you, so they fall away from you, isolating you further. Then it seems only minutes later a mild COPD turns into full-on emphysema - which I'm not sure is instead of cancer or concurrent with it or preceding it. All you really know is that you can't walk or breathe & if you try to get the police to catch the POS stalker they'll lock you in a mental ward instead. Yeah. Just loving life. I've been wanting to call my aunt for some time, but my crazy mother (whom I irrationally love very much, and who inspires lots of my sobbing) won't give me her phone number. I've always been fond of my aunt and I don't want her to think I've forgotten her or don't care. But at this point, I could be of no help to her. I cry throughout the days and nights. All I want is sleep, and try to get as much as possible - and that's what the POS thinks is the best game ever - prevent me from sleeping! But I manage some hours here and there and wake up knowing I've had another nightmare I can't remember, but it couldn't have been as bad as my waking life has finally become. If I'm supposed to stop the sociopath, I'm not sure how, since I've lost almost every resource. I'm still "gathering evidence" which doesn't count for scrap unless the puking cops "catch him in the act." Once I'm dead, this freak will escalate. He's addicted, and he is a sadist, and he has no conscience or empathy. He will carry on, torturing other vulnerable women. I was convinced, due to the repeating & worsening pattern of my life, that my current/final task is to stop him. I don't know if I can. The point is to try to save someone else's life. It has been such an important goal for me, something that could redeem me. But like my health, even my sense of its importance is slipping away. All I want is to be gone. In my case, the bell tolls only for me - and whomever else becomes the POS's prey. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ June 26, 2011: Along the lines of my earlier thoughts, there probably are lifeforms in this universe besides earthlings but, seeing as they are also incarnate, *why* would we want to meet them, or they, us? Consciousness which exists as pure energy is really the only safe lifeform there is. Anthing which lives in a dense body, as we do, and is bound by some gravitational field to a material environment, is going to also be in the same boat we are - which is a very leaky, imperfect boat. They are experiencing their own slow journeys to learn what should be the simplest lesson - love. If you want to find other lifeforms we could really learn from, you need look no further than the oceans, where the whales and dolphins have so much to teach us (and with whom we share more than a few striking biological similarities). They live peacefully, with enormous brains. They know the lesson we keep coming back to learn. Did you know that respiration is not automatic for dolphins? When they sleep, half a dolphin's brain (which is comparable in size to a whole human brain) must stay awake, in order to keep breathing. This means, of course, that dolphins choose to live! How much braver are they than we, and how infinitely more wise! While we experience the basest emotions, and as a species kill ourselves and each other, they meditate, choose life, and live it peaceably. They play. They live joyfully. They had the wisdom to avoid gravity by living buoyantly in the water. (No offense to those of you who think you enjoy pitting yourselves against gravity.) How could anything "extraterrestrial", bound by a body, ever top that? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 26, 2011: I've been watching a fun series called "Through the Wormhole" on the Science Channel. It's very calming. Sometimes I'm baffled by the scientists. They focus so much on material things... which is why they're scientists instead of metaphysicists, I guess. For example, the show on time travel touched on quantum non-locality. Quantum non-locality seems to me to be one of the ways in which clairvoyance might be explained - a message sent into the past - our present - by someone from the material future. (A better explanation, to me, is that the message comes from an entity at the non-material level, where time is much different, according to where one is, even there.) We don't need time travel. We're a bunch of lumbering fools, incarnate for the sole soul purpose of *learning*, and refining our souls. When our souls exit our bodies upon physical death, we continue to learn and grow. Between incarnations, we graduate to higher "frequencies" (our energy moves more quickly) as our work continues - this is all done at the individual, *not collective*, level. So maybe you had or have or will have a loved one whose soul is at a different level from yours; if at a higher level, s/he can descend to your frequency to visit, but you cannot ascend to hirs, because you have not earned that graduation yet. Most of the earning happens here, on earth. We used to call it learning, in school, and that's what it is, except the lessons are different. But, this does not rule out astral travel, which in my opinion, can be somewhat dangerous due to the presence of things which are not souls, but might be shadow content or, possibly in other words, "lower astrals". They cannot really harm you, but they can frighten you, which can be an impediment to the learning process. If you read some of the accounts of frightening NDE's, it sounds to me as if the individuals were possibly conditioned to believe in nothing and were thus frightened to find anything, or were frightened or confused or angry for other reasons, and attracted these shadow fragments for that reason. In any case, it's the same as going to any unknown place - your feelings, which are very fluid from moment to moment (despite what you may think), at the instant of departure, or anypoint on the journey, will be likely to bring mixed results. Usually, at physical death, it's my belief that this isn't a problem, because a guide will be waiting for you, whose love blocks anything frightening away from you. But what scientists think we don't know is pretty silly, when you think about it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 16, 2011: The old "Outer Limits" TV series was remarkable. There's an episode (airing right now) called "OBIT", about a secret surveillance machine which can eavesdrop (collect private information) on anyone. And back then, it was science fiction! Today, the same thing is being done all the time. The government can eavesdrop on everything you do online, any books you buy, any shops you frequent, and upload all the data on your cell phones, tablets, etc. They tell us what to eat, how to "behave", how to do commerce (which mostly can no longer be done), and now they're collapsing our economy in preparation for the NWO. And no one cares! The nightmare, the warning, came true, but our representatives and, more and more, the executive branch, either say this is for our own safety, or that maybe they'll "look into it", when we know they're not just looking for criminals, but for anyone who opposes the current lawlessness and policies of the executive branch. "OBIT" wasn't a randomly named episode title. It implied that the day we'd so allow our government to violate the privacies guaranteed to us by our First Amendment, our nation will have died. OBIT, indeed. Well, I wish the Reps who are suing Obama the best of luck. They'll need it. Thankfully some people are awake, and still believe in the Constitution; the greatest civil gift ever bestowed *by* humankind, *to* humankind, in the name of Divine Providence. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- April 5, 2011: When people say "cats are too aloof", it always reminds me of the "skeptics" who know nothing about astrology, and call it superstition. Cats are possibly the most unique species of mammals. Even moreso than humans, because humans are herd animals (ever try to herd a bunch of cats?). Of course there's synastry involved, because there's always synastry involved, but a cat will love you greedily and possessively, with extreme and jealous intensity, when she loves you. I believe this is more true of female cats, but I can't make a solid claim on the point of gender. She'll live for you. She'll shine for you. She'll play with you. She'll joke with you. She'll light up the world for you. Anyone who is loved by a cat, the way only a cat can love, knows s/he belongs to the cat more than the cat belongs to hir. Cats have an amazing range of vocal expressions. You know when they have a question. You know when they have an answer. You know almost everything they *want* you to know. It's easy to communicate with a cat who adores you. If a cat could take you or leave you, do you think she'll bother with conversation? Not unless it's to tell you to get lost. Been thinking so much about this, because I miss her so painfully. As my mind meanders through the maze of my past, she's so vivid and it amazes me to think she found me worthy of that kind of love. A cat's love has to be earned. That's why Aquarians (and other lightweights in the love department) prefer dogs - they like relationships to be low-maintenance, and a cat requires constant, abject devotion, adoration, humility, and the indulgence of her every finicky, unreasonable, wish and requirement, until she decides she loves you boundlessly. Once she does, when you hear someone say, "Cats are too aloof," you'll smirk imperceptibly and, with just the slightest flip of your tail, walk away. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- March 1, 2011: The Academy Awards may as well pack up and end. I'm not sure if any outstanding movies are made anymore. The ones from past years that won awards mostly didn't interest me. It used to be that we watched in hopes of seeing our favorite movie stars in candid shots. But there aren't any, anymore. So now we watch, if we watch, for the spectacle. And there isn't any, anymore. This past one was The Bad Hair Oscars. I've never seen actresses en masse looking so ugly. It reminded me of the one after the last L.A. riots, when all the actOrs were scared little Politically Correct bunnies, and didn't wear ANY jewelry. Sunday's was just as bad. Where were the necklaces? Where were the bracelets? I only saw maybe two pairs of incredibly boring earrings. One actress wore a decent necklace. And that was it. I didn't know who any of those people were, and I had no desire to. Criticize the old studio mill system all you want, but at least they had actors you *wanted* to look at, and movies which were nearly always pretty good. I forget the year Brokeback Mountain was nominated, but I remember my surprise at the tasteless jokes about it on late night TV. It took another few years before I finally saw it. Then I understood why hetero men had been uncomfortable with the movie (or could have been if they'd seen it). It's an extraordinary movie. Well, of course, it's a love story, but it's a love story involving characters (or a character) who does not think of himself as being homosexual. He just happens to fall in love with another man while they're alone together, working on a mountain. The lovers are in no way effeminate, but rather quite macho. So, I saw why this could make some hetero men uncomfortable - if it could happen to Ennis, maybe it could happen to anyone. Another thing the film does in a brilliant way is contrast the way two male lovers can interact, as opposed to the way a male and female typically interact. One can see how very different it can be - the roughness, and a particularly male intensity, which ordinarily isn't part of a hetero love affair, which would require most men to be very gentle and probably more communicative in various ways. Brokeback Mountain is an extremely good film, and the two male stars should have won awards for best actor, except there can only be one winner (maybe they could have made an exception that year for the joint effort - they really should have). Heath Ledger had taken his life before I finally saw the film. I so wish he hadn't. He, and Gyllenhaal (spelling?), are two of the finest dramatic actors I've seen in the past two decades. ------- On other fronts (because my life is a war), I'm so angry I can barely breathe, at times. What's being done to me is sick and indescribable - a monster is stalking me and the police are useless, and don't believe me because of a different problem I have. I was ripped off badly by The Spy Store in New York City, which sold me a $21.00 device (wholesale) for $295.00! If you ever want your money stolen when you can barely afford groceries and you have a sick freak torturing you, by all means, shop at The Spy Store in New York City. For what it's worth, the device confirmed what I already knew, except it had not sunk in before I used it, that the freak's surveillance shit was connected directly to my electrical wiring, behind lousy plaster marks. It was already in before I ever got here, and I know the former building workman was careless and left the doors open (that was how I got to see this place to begin with, because I'd come to look at a different unit in this building). So, now that I know audio (and video in the bathroom, and probably everywhere else in here) surveillance, AND receivers for the bugs the freak uses (he's cross-bugging) are in the fucking walls, I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I know I want to hire professionals to do a full sweep, but I can't afford it. They won't even talk to you from your bugged surroundings, or answer email. You have to call them from an unbugged, secure location. I'm trying to cope, but I am enraged at just about everyone for not believing. I can't believe this is anything I'm "supposed" to go through. Certainly not alone, but if I weren't alone, the freak wouldn't have been able to get this far with it, if even ever, at all. I've been doing everything the Victims' counselor told me to do - keeping notes of what happens, etc. What's the use, if I can't "prove" this? According to the police, they have to "catch him in the act" - how could that possibly happen, given the circumstances? The POS does know what he's doing is wrong, because he takes every precaution not to get caught. But he doesn't believe in God, or hell. (I've tried to scare him off with fear of God, with no luck, but I do have the consolation of believing that, eventually, God is going to make him wish his soul - if he has one - were obliterated.) There's one thing I know, now: This can happen to ANYONE, who is alone. There are a lot of sick freaks in the world. The worse crime is the cops not investigating, and not having caught up to this type of crime, which requires investigating. If they can't protect me from the crimes of this evil freak, they don't DESERVE their fucking pay. I want justice. I want the freak caught, tried, convicted, and jailed until death, and then straight to hell with the POS FOREVER. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All Rights Reserved; Gail Sandra Klein |