Jacque Marshall

"Weasel help" (defined)

"Weasel help" is an expression I use a lot, and can be applied with equal accuracy to micro-managing bosses and industrious small children. So when Elana Kestral handed me the obligatory straight-line, "What the heck does that mean!?" I responded with the following:

Example A--Loading the dishwasher:

  1. Open the dishwasher.
  2. Take the weasel out.
  3. Put away clean dishes.
  4. Take the other weasel out.
  5. Rinse pots, and place in bottom rack.
  6. Reach WAAAAAY in, pluck the first weasel out of the standing water in back.
  7. Load the flatware.
  8. Load the plates.
  9. Take both weasels out.
  10. Load the glasses.
  11. Swear a lot, reach in, pluck BOTH weasels out of the standing water in back.
  12. Load the bowls.
  13. Take the first weasel out.
  14. Fill the soap dish.
  15. Catch the second weasel; retrieve the rubber spatula, put back in flatware rack.
  16. Stop the first weasel from eating the soap.
  17. Close the dishwasher and latch it.
  18. Count the weasels.
  19. Open the dishwasher, take out the first weasel.
  20. Close the dishwasher and latch it again.
  21. Count the weasels.
  22. All weasels accounted for. Start the dishwasher.

Example B--Making the bed:

  1. Get laundry basket containing fresh sheets.
  2. Evict weasels sleeping therein.
  3. Take out first sheet, spread on bed.
  4. Extract first weasel from under sheet.
  5. Smooth out first sheet, tuck it in.
  6. Pull toes away from weasel teeth under bed.
  7. Evict second weasel from laundry basket.
  8. Shake out hoarded socks, put them in other laundry basket.
  9. Spread out second sheet.
  10. Remove first weasel from under top sheet.
  11. Pry second weasel loose from ankle.
  12. Obtain blanket.
  13. Shake out weasel.
    ...etc. Until bed is made or psychosis sets in...
"EVERYONE needs weasel help." (Just ask any weasel).

--26 March 1998

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Last modified: Wed Nov 4 08:50:58 MST 1998