$$$$$$$$$ $DSCnews$ $$$$$$$$$ Volume : 2 Number : 1 Price : Cheap enough to leave me poor. Editor-in-Chief : Kathy M. Hallahan Assistant Editor : Evan R. Zweifel Contributors : Angelique Aubrey, Kathleen Hallahan, Scott Dorsey, Evan Zweifel, Sallie Whittaker, Daniel Rosenberg *********************************************************************** SANTA: TRULY COMMITTED ------ ----- --------- Clean shaven and anorexic, Mr. Santa Claus was committed by several of his elves yesterday to Eastern State Hospital. Santa''s recent and very unfortunate mental breakdown was blamed on the world''s population problem, and the strain it put on his workload. "The new computer- based ''wish-list'' processor and form-letter machine, installed three years ago, has relieved much of the strain, but his back isn''t what it used to be, and those 14 1/2 (don''t forget the half) ton packs of toys steadily wore down his resistance and destroyed his love of children," said Mrs Claus. Marvin Wimp, Santa''s chief elf, continued, "Things were just changing too fast for the old fatso around here...he couldn''t face the fact that he would have to rely more on the new modern conveniences that we (the elves) had installed...I think the last straw was when we bought him a new Turbo-injected jet sleigh for his birthday...he hated to think that even his beloved reindeer were becoming obsolete." The doctors at ESH were unsure as to the expected dismissal of Mr. Claus from the hospital, but they said it would take at least 4-6 weeks to bring his weight up to normal. What will happen to Christmas this year?? Have we all been good for the whole year for nothing??......stay tuned and find out next issue (maybe) when we hear the amazing story of "Santa''s first egg-nog enema." *********************************************************************** The Cockroach That Ate WILLIAMSBURG? --- --------- ---- --- ------------- On Thursday, August 30, at 11:37 P.M., it is reported that a person, who did not wish her name to be disclosed, was brutally attacked by a giant cockroach. The victim described the assailant as being "at least two inches long, rather brown in color, and it had the most horrifyingly sadistic grin on its face! It was right there on me, too!" This is only one of many such incidents that have been occurring around the William and Mary campus. For instance, a short while before that, all of the "roach motels" located in and around Landrum Basement mysteriously disappeared. It is speculated that a large number of cockroaches would have been required to haul all of these traps away. Therefore, bug expert I. M. Crawly believes that "it must be a campus-wide operation at the very least. Intelligence reports indicate that the roaches are tired of being stepped on, and plan to make demands to the College administration as soon as they feel that they have the strength to back them up." President Graves has reportedly "called out the National Guard and Orkin." *********************************************************************** ADVERTISEMENT Looking for a new lifestyle? Think it''s time for a change? We can help!! The people at the A. E. Neuman Institute for High School Dropouts are trained professionals interested in YOUR well-being. They can arrange for any kind of alteration in your lifestyle, attitudes, or personality REGARDLESS of how little they have to work with. Tired of being the nerdy class brain and want to get out and have a little fun? We''ve lowered the intelligence of enough people to put Mensa out of business! Want to know what life is like on the other side? We guarantee to get you into the psycho ward of your choice, anywhere in the country, or even overseas! Many, many more opportunities to change. So take that first step and call us at 253-4280. Tell the operator you''re ready to make a change!! *********************************************************************** DSCnews article George Thompson of River Falls, Idaho is presently being sued by the SPCA for maltreatment of animals. The SPCA declared that Mr. Thompson had been keeping goldfish in a kitchen blender. Mr. Thompson maintains that, although he has been keeping the aforementioned goldfish in a blender, he has not turned the blender up any further than CHOP or DICE with the fish inside. The SPCA says that they have firm proof that Mr. Thomson has had the blender up as high as WHIP and PUREE several times. *********************************************************************** DSCartoon? \ __ _____\____ HISSSSSS-- I \ /_( 0) \ |___| RAAAIIDD!!! *--//----/ ) _||_ ---// / /\ / \ / / ||| ''------` .-------+- ||| | | / \.__| ||| | RAID | |____||| | | / \|| | | .-------+____/|/ | | / / / | ____ | | I / |/----\| \ * / / \ \ / V \ __/ ___\ *********************************************************************** DSCdoityourself We at the DSC know a lot of you out there living in some of the smaller third-world nations are very upset because you find yourselves with a surplus of obsolete atomic weapons. We just thought we would give you an article on how you can upgrade your antiquated bombs into more modern thermonuclear devices. Although such devices will not provide yields equivalent to some of the more modern thermonuclear weapons, it will increase performance manifold with a very small increase in price. Here''s how you can do it: 1. First, the principle of a hydrogen bomb is simply that hydrogen, preferably heavy isotopes of H2, will fuse explosively when a high enough temperature and pressure is reached. This high temp and press can be generated with your ordinary, off-the-shelf atomic bomb. The actual construction of an H2 cuff to surround the trigger bomb is simple and can be done in any well-equipped home workshop. 2. First, a discarded refigerator must be obtained. Some modifications must be made in order for the icebox to acheive 11K, the freezing point of hydrogen. First try plugging it into a 440V electrical outlet. With some refrigerators, this is all that is needed. If it begins to smoke, then the motor will have to be replaced.Try finding discarded aircraft engines at your local junkyard. At least 400 Hp is required. If aircraft engines are not available, a locomotive will do. 3. Get a thermometer; adjust the air- conditioning in the room to 17K. Set the refrigerator to 11K. 4. Get your obsolete warhead and place it in the refrigerator. You will probably have to place it on its side,if not for this step, then for the next. 5. Call up Chicago Nuclear and have them deliver a few dozen gallons of deuterium. Practical grade is O.K. if you are on a tight budget, and will not significantly reduce the yield. Fill the refrigerator up with deuterium. 6. Drill a hole in the side of the icebox, and extend the trigger leads for the bomb out of it. 7. Turn your air-conditioning back up. After the deuterium has frozen, you should have no problem keeping the device stable. 8. Put the device in a crate with your enemy''s address on it. Send it first class. You may have to send a generator with it to keep the H2 cool. 9. Connect a microswitch to the box so that the bomb is triggered when the box is opened. 10. Voila! A simple, easy to build thermonuclear device in only ten steps! *********************************************************************** DSCbiography CARLOS, THE RED-HAIRED COCKROACH ------- --- ---------- --------- Born of poor parents, and into a family of 32,676, as their 9838th offspring, Carlos wasn''t spoiled or babied. Being a certified, genuine Barrett cockroach, Carlos spent his time in these social lowspots: 3rd. east kitchen, and Mary Sutherland''s closet. Learning early the importance of food, hordes of which college students store, he decided that the Barrett kitchen would be the best place for him to take up residence; his cozy bachelor''s pad. Carlos was accepted by the general population of Barrett 3rd east except for Sue Scott, who despises cockroaches. Most, however, found the red-haired cockroach to be extremely cute. Sensing that during spring break he might have a hard time finding food, Carlos stowed away in Debbie Lessel''s luggage for an all-expense-paid trip to N.Y. There, he sought to find his fortune. It just happened that Exodus was playing on Broadway. He passed himself off a locust. *********************************************************************** OBITUARIES - by Becca Sue Scott in her upper bunk on Tuesday, March 27th passed on when her roommate, Mary S. Sutherland, put roach poison and LSD on Sue''s harmonica because Sue forgot Mary''s Birthday. Then Mary stood in THE infamous closet and shot blowdarts into Scott. There will be no viewing; she looks the same as she did every other day. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Mitch Miller Harmonica School for Beginners. Sutherland in James Blair Hall, on Wednesday,March 28th, Mary S. passed on while attempting to drop Economics 102. She was heard to exclaim "I''m gonna drop this course if it kills me!" As she fell in front of the registrar, her last words were heard echoing across campus, "Give my roommate, Becca, a 4.0!" Hudson, H. Mark was found without a face on Saturday, March 30, after Skip Sawyer blasted him with a .357 magnum.As the only hermaphrodite with a black thumbnail, he was... easy to identify. There will be no viewing. The body has been cremated and the ashes have been mixed mixed into the food at the Wig. An android has been made to take his place. *********************************************************************** LETTERS TO THE EDITORS ------- -- --- ------- To the Ex- Assistant Editor How come Mark got killed twice, and me only once? K. M. Hallahan Dear KM, He is a stubborn bastard! Whipps ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Editor: I wish to complain --STRONGLY-- about the lack of profanity in your editorials. Those of us who read the DSCNews wish to be subjected to the offensive language that characterizes so much our deep-down feelings about school, work, the world, and life in general. By keeping your comments too clean, you are preventing your readership from venting their emotions, and thus tension builds up, resulting in sudden, unpredictable bursts of sanity. Needless to say, if this trend is allowed to continue, the effects of such sanity could be devastating to the DSC, and could eliminate the marketablilty of such fine institutions as ESH. It would be greatly appreciated if these facts could be considered in future issues. Sincerely, Phil Thimouth Dear Phil, You @#$@ &^##@@ @@%*%##%^* son of a &$#%@! The &^*$%@#! Editor *********************************************************************** A MIS-CONCEPTION UNEARTHED - -------------- --------- Just yesterday, at the College of William and Mary, an amazing observation was made that could destroy all the theories that have held up the scientific world for so long, in particular the study of biology. As most people know, an egg exists for the purpose of creating a chicken -- or so they think. However, a startling and novel concept has arisen which states that the CHICKEN exists for the purpose of creating the EGG. As put by DSCPrez. Angelique Aubrey, "No one really knows which came first -- the chicken or the egg. So for all we know the chicken might have laid the first egg, with the egg being the main creation of the species. It is entirely possible that instead of raising a race of chickens, we raise eggs and don''t even know it!" She further went on to say that it was her physics professor who had given her the inspiration by stating "The first egg found that the chicken was the best form in which to reproduce itself." *********************************************************************** Famous Last Words: ------ ---- ------ "I is a English Major" "Who, me? Violent? I''m a pacifist. If you call me violent again I''ll rip your head off." "I wonder what would happen if I..." *********************************************************************** Important English Rules to Remember --------- ------- ----- -- -------- 1. Don''t use no double negatives. 2. A preposition is not a good thing to end a sentence with. 3. Modify verbs good, like an adjective should. 4. Check your apostrophe S''s. 5. Fragments can often. *********************************************************************** WANTED: ------- WANTED: DEAD or ALIVE -- preferably dead! Barrett babes! No reasonable price will be turned down. Call any time x666 NECKRO PHEELYAK. WANTED: Labratory animals. Must be able to withstand harsh, cruel and inhumane punishment to be used for Shamrock taste tests for new recipies, baby heart transplants, and bizarre sex acts with the entire third floor of Barrett. WANTED: Very very very very big and virile dog. Call after midnight, Barret 3rd. x6969. WANTED: As many smiles as possible. Am willing to return. Please contact by smiling anytime. *********************************************************************** ADVERTISEMENT ------------- Did your "trusted" friend play a nasty trick on you? Is there an enemy in your life you''d just love to get for something? Well, don''t take the law into your own hands: take it to us! The specialists at Revenge, Unlimited can help you achieve your aim. For a small fee, any person, no matter how insignificant in society, can be helped. Just send your name, address, and a $5 processing fee to: Revenge, Unlimited 234 Jamestown Rd. Williamsburg, VA 23185 Our motto is, "No job too small, no fee too large." *********************************************************************** HELP ME -- I NEED MONEY! ROOMMATE FOR SALE!!! My parents had the ridiculous notion that I could survive at W&M on $400 a month....HAH! HAH! I can''t believe how stupid my parents are....how do they expect me to support my $250 per week little-blue-pill habit? I am now forced to put my roommate (a very nice sort of fellow, mind you) up for sale to the highest bidder! He is very efficent and only rarely wets his bed. If you would like to purchase him for your companion or just have a need for another personal slave, then leave me a message in my mailbox (IMBROK). Thanks! I. M. Broke *********************************************************************** ATTACK OF THE KILLER BEDSPREAD -Sylvia M. Abington In the quasi-quiet college town of Williamsburg, a new menace is on the loose: The Killer Bedspread! Yes, friends, in the very rooms you dwell in....perhaps on the very bed you sleep in! It lurks in the darkness of a pseudo-silent campus, stalking its prey. DO YOU FEEL SAFE? *********************************************************************** DSCvisitor Dear Faithless and Useless Readers, I am here to write this visitor''s column. As a resident of the prospering village of Delaware, I am definitely qualified to write this. Delaware is a booming metropolis. There are at least 7 full-time residents, five of which are drunkards, bisexuals/asexuals, and or low-lifes. The scenic view of Delaware takes one through cow country, pig farms, and mushroom ranches, all of which smell the same: natural fertilizer is certainly popular this year. Going on to bigger and better things...Delaware does have most modern conveniences. Shopping centers are thinly scattered. Luckily, Delaware charges no sales tax, as compared to some places which charge, believe it or else, 8 1/4% (like New York). Delaware is not all that rosy, though. The drinking age is higher than here in the Old Dominion: 21 for hard liquor, 21 for wine, 21 for beer, 21 for soda, 21 for OJ....I got carried away. It is only 20 for OJ. By and large , Delaware is not all that bad. Take an afternoon and memorize the landscape, it will prove a boring experience. *********************************************************************** NEWS FLASH ---- ----- DSCprez Angelique Aubrey, a total teetotaler, was not just unsober, but also intoxicated while playing Lush Boat with Mary Mainous. Due to Mary''s size (not to mention the amount of rum she used), her witnessing to the intoxication might not be considered valid. "She couldn''t even shtand up shtraight," sputtered Miss Mainous. "She coulnd''t feel ther tongue." When asked why she decided to try alcohol instead of sticking with' carbonation, Angelique said, "It sheemed [click, click] like the right [click, click] thing to do." As she went off, still clicking, this reporter asked why she was clicking. "To make shur my tongue''s shtill there [click]." *********************************************************************** DSCnotice There may be a new event added to the DSCOlympics: Dacquiri- drinking. *********************************************************************** HERE ARE SOME MORE MATH PROBLEMS FOR THE REAL WORLD ---- --- ---- ---- ---- -------- --- --- ---- ----- 1) Fred the Wino lives in a cardboard box. He knows that temperature loss per unit of time by radiation from a body having temperature T1 in a container whose walls have temperature T2 is given by C(T1**4) -@C@T2**4) where C is a constant to be determined by experimentation and equal to 7.240 in this case. If Fred''s body temperature is 86.9 deg. F, how much heat does he lose per MINUTE? Thus, is it advisable to live in a cardboard box? 2) Harold the Wino staggers toward a lamppost that just happens to be at the origin of a set of polar coordinates. No matter how hard he tries, he is never able to hit the post, although he comes infinitely close. Write a computer program in ALGOL W, where standard 1968 IRAND and RANDU variables are in effect. EXTRA CREDIT: If light from the post falls off according to the inverse- square law, how bright will the point where Harold is be in relation to the brightness at the post? 3) Every morning, Bill uses 1.3X10**-3 moles of a white substance. He has determined by experimentation that 5 ml of water is required to dissolve it at 104 deg. C. What, then, is the solubility of this powder? 4) Darryl has two machines in his kitchen that make a product commonly known as "Happy Smoke". If the first machine can make 300 lb. in one hour, but both of the machines together take 24 minutes to make the same amount, how long will the second machine take to make 300 lb. of this useful product? 5) Freda''s sugar daddy bought her a new pink Cadillac. She knows that it will be worth 10% less each year, and that if it had not been stolen, it would now be worth $12,000. As she expects to put $500 in repairs each year, when will the yearly cost of upkeep exceed the value of the auto? 6) Steve the Fence paid $5 for a "used" tea set. Before he melts it down, he has to know its silver content. He finds that it weighs 1.2 kg., and has a volume of 1.22 cc. Silver has a volume of 100 cc/kg, and copper one of 110 cc/kg. How much silver does he have if the set contains only silver and copper? At $7/oz., how much profit does he make? Look up the conversion yourself, idiot. 7) Tickets for a rock concert were $10 and $15. The total receipts were $8,000,000, with 200,000 tickets have been sold. Also, there were 500,000 gate crashers, 100% of whom left a burn on their seats. 10% of the people in the $15 seats left such a burn, while $50% of those in the $10 seats did. How many people bought what kind of ticket, and how many seats will the management need to replace? If they replace half of them at $10 each, how much actual profit was made on the concert? 8) Tickets for a recital of Bach Tocattas were $50 each. 5000 attended, but 90% had press passes. If it cost $2 each to have the tickets printed up, how much money was made? Is it more than the rock concert in the last problem? What does that tell you? Why? *********************************************************************** THE SUGGESTIVE SUBSTITUTE --- ---------- ---------- Physics professors are masters of the subtleties of suggestive- ness, as was proven this morning in a classful of sleepy students. One such professor, a substitute, recently taught this class of sleepy students a thing or two about physics. For instance: "The total momentum of the two-ball system is conserved," he said. He went on to explain that the energy went from one to the other, balancing around their center of mass. In another example, the sleepy students were regaled with the tale of the white ball and the striped ball. "The striped ball goes into one hole,but you must be careful that the white ball doesn''t go into the other." While explaining momentum, he drew a parallel of the concept with the horse. "A horse is a horse is a horse; momentum is momentum." As the slumbering students slowly awakened to this suggestive substitute, he described a system in which "the balls are bouncing around the spring at the center of the mass." Finally, toward the climactic focus of the class, the classic case was described: "The proton comes into the vertex and then something else comes off here." *********************************************************************** LOST: Patient. Has a wild stare and is unitelligible. Name is "Frankie", but will also respond to a blue balloon. If found, please return to ESH immediately. LOST: Patience. See above. *********************************************************************** BOOK REVIEWS ---- ------- -E. Tinn Cummings PASSION ISLAND- Monique travels to Austrailia on an archeological expedition. She ventures into the forest, and loses her way back. She is rescued from Geoffrey by the aborigines, falls in love, and they all spend a promiscuous 10 days together until her camp is found. SANCTUARY OF SEX- Bonnie, fleeing for her life, finds a sanctuary in the monastary of St. Gabriel. Dressed as a monk, she spends much of her time with Brother Philip. She falls asleep in his room while copying a manuscript.....and afterwards he sees her in a new way. LUST WITH A STRANGER- Fern had always been faithful to Andrew. They were to be married in 3 months, and she had decided to save herself for marraige....much to the distress of Andrew. Then, Andy gave Fern the bad news: Transferred, TOP SECRET MISSION, and he would not return for two and one half (2.5) months. Flying to a cottage on Cape Cod, Fern hoped to keep her mind off missing Andrew. Seduced by a man in a mask (who smelled vaguely of lobster), Fern found emotions she never knew she had. She found out on her her wedding night that it was Andrew all the time. TRIANGLE OF LUST : MERINGUE A TROIS It had been an typical evening; just an ordinary cocktail party. When all the guests except Mark and Darren left, and LeeAnne got out the lemon meringue pie to celebrate, the fun began! *********************************************************************** Dr. ESH Psychic, my dr. sed thet i had to hav a operashun to take my brane out cause it dont work good no mor. y dont it werk. i dont usualy fel bad but somtime i cant even go to work. i werk as teecher at natshinal letericy counsil and i lern peeple to rite. i like you magazine but i want u to know thet computers causes CANCER. it is a provin sceintific fact thet everone with compuer even a little 1 like APPLE wil get CANCER!!!!!!!!! this is comon knolege and i want you to know it. its bad. anyway i ferget whet i wuz saying so dont bother read this messige. Dear Unsigned, Get a second opinion. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear ESH Psychic, Why did they take the blue balloons out of poor Frankie''s room and not tell him? It''s driving him up the wall!!! Ida Noe Dear IN, Frankie is colour blind and they are testing him by putting clear balloons in his room to see if he can see them. They took the blue ones out because they kept distracting him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear E.S.H. Psychic, Why does no one like me? I am afraid to turn around for fear that someone is sneaking up on me. I say things like ''They didn''t like me'' and ''They NEVER liked me!'' Am I paranoid? Oops, gotta go, I think I hear someone coming up the stairs, and I must tiptoe across the room. If they hear, they''ll knock all day! I do no harm, I keep to myself. There''s nothing wrong with my state of mental health. I like it here with my childhood friends. I would never leave my room. And if they knew I was writing to you, I''d be fired . Sincerely yours, Vote for me! Ron Rayguhn Dear Rayguhn, I would say that paranoia is all in the mind. In fact, the mind also controls your likes and dislikes. If no one likes you and you are paranoid, then it''s all in their minds. Don''t forget to lock the door. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear E.S.H. Psychic, I find that I am afraid of the dark. What should I do? Dear Frade E., Travel across the International Dateline in such a way that it''s always daytime. Then, you won''t have to worry about the dark. As to when you shall sleep, that''s another question. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear E.S.H. Psychic, I just realised what I am up against...the world. I can''t cope, where should I go for help? Atmuss Feer Dear Feer, Join the Air Force. They can take you away from the world for a while. BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear E.S.H. Psychic, Why am I here? Laws Tsole Dear Laws, If you don''t know that one, I suggest you take a course in birds and bees. Happy buzzing! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear ESH Psychic, I have been having funny dreams lately. First, there was the one in which I was chased by all these navel oranges with skinny little green legs. The oranges smoked cigars and ran very quickly. They could bounce up and down by balling their legs up around their bodies. It was funny to look at but I was terrified that they would catch me and make me play ping-pong. Then all of the telephone books started coming out of all the corners of the room and squashing the oranges flat. A pad of steel wool walked by, looking for an electric outlet, and he pushed me into the sewer, which was filled with 9-track instrumentation tape that was covered with lard. When the vacuum cleaners started falling from the sky, one of them hit me on the head and killed me, and that''s how I was able to go to heaven. Heaven was a great place, but the system was down that day for preventative maintainance, and they were not able to tell if people had been good in their previous life, and so I was put on the waiting list for death. My roomate says that this is a sign that I should not eat peanut butter before going to bed, but I think it has deep spiritual overtones. What can you make of it? Dear ________, Eating peanut butter before going to bed has been proven to cause dreams with spiritual overtones. Of course, typing letters to me on the computer has caused the system to go down, so you shall have to be put on hold for a while. System will be up within your lifetime. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear ESH Psychic, I feel totally.....like.....you know and that''s why I''m just so.. you know.....kind of far out and.....I think so. It''s just so righteous that you can.....you know.....really.....get into it totally. It just blows my mind when I.....you know......Think of it..... WOW! It''s just so absolutely like GNARLY!! It tripps me out man.....and... and.....that''s like it is, what it is far out man......absolutely... Tripping.....Groovy like when all those good vibes just get right... you know.....down deep into you......into your.......into your SOUL. It''s far out, I tell you.....righteous.....good vibes.....just.....when I do it it really blows me away....like your.....um.....karma just gets a real bolt, man.....absolutely.....That''s how I feel. Insincerely Anon E. Mous Communications Major 1960''s Slang House Mah Deah Mistah Mous, Thank ya evah so much for sharin'' those glorious feelin''s with us. If we can evah be a gahbage recepticle for your communications again, well, just give us a call. We''ll be gahlad to tell ya what ya can do with them. Substituting for ESHpsychic Southe R. N. Belle &END