Heard Around the Campfire

• A little boy is walking along a wharf. He sees a pirate, and in a high-pitched voice he squeaks, "Mr. Pirate! Mr. Pirate! You have a wooden leg!"

  In a gravelly baritone, the pirate booms back, "Ay, maty! It was bitten off by Moby Dick!"

  The little boy continues, "Mr. Pirate! Mr. Pirate! You have a hook for a hand!"

  The pirate replies, "Ay, maty! Me hand was sliced off in a fight with Cap'n Blood!"

  The boy goes on, "Mr. Pirate! Mr. Pirate! You have a glass eye!"

  The pirate answers, "Ay, maty! A pigeon pooped in me eye!"

  "But Mr. Pirate," the boy responds, "you don't lose an eye because a pigeon poops in it."

  The pirate says, "You do, me lad, if you have a hook for a hand!"

• What do you get if you cross a sleazy lawyer with a sleazy politician?

  Answer: Chelsea Clinton

• A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

  "No, I don't," he replies.

  The duck asks again, "Do you have any grapes?"

  The bartender's voice rises as he says, "No, I just told you I didn't!"

  The duck asks a third time, "Do you have any grapes?"

  The bartender angrily responds, "If you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your bill to the bar!"

  The duck thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "Do you have any nails?"

  "Absolutely not!" yells the bartender.

  The duck responds, "Do you have any grapes?"

• An XXX man (substitute your least favorite ethnic group for XXX) comes home to find his wife in bed with his best friend. He strides over to his dresser, opens a drawer, pulls out a pistol and points at his own temple.

  "No!" his best friend cries out. "Don't do it!"

  "Shut up!" the man scowls. "Your next!!"

• A man is watching his favorite TV show when he hears a knock on the door. (Knock, knock.) He goes to the door, opens it and sees a snail on the doorstep. Enraged, he takes the snail and throws it into the backyard.

  Two years later, the man hears another knock on the door. (Knock, knock.) He opens it and the snail says "What was that all about?"

• Nine-year-old Denzel asks, "What do you call a mummy who eats in bed?"

  Answer: A crumby mummy.

• How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

  Two. One to screw it in, and one not to screw it in.

• An old man approaches an old woman on the boardwalk. "Are you lonely?" he asks.

  "Not that lonely," she replies.