Full Circle

by  C H A R L E S   L .   M E E


Based on the Chinese legend

Full Circle has also been produced under the title Berlin Circle.

This piece is inspired by The Chalk Circle (Huilan ji) a Chinese zaju play by Li Qianfu, written in the Yuan Dynasty (1271-1368), which inspired The Chalk Circle by the German poet Klabund, which inspired Bertolt Brecht's Caucasian Chalk Circle, which inspired the Beijing opera production of Huilan ji by Hu Zhifeng.

Full Circle is written to be performed by 10 or 11 speakers and a host of non-speaking actors.





Scene 1

East Berlin, 1989

At the Berliner Ensemble


[The Sign Man, our guide, introduces each scene, holding up placards a la vaudeville.]

SIGN MAN
Scene One. East Berlin. 1989. At the Berliner Ensemble.

[Two American investment bankers in pin-striped suits
sit with one or two Chinese investment bankers in pin-striped suits,
and Zhu in a Mao jacket.

They sit in five simple, easy chairs.

A translator sits at a small table between the Americans and the Chinese,
with an unopened dictionary on the table.

The Chinese men are white men
with "Oriental" make-up.

The translator is a white woman
in a Chinese silk sheath dress
with "Oriental" make-up.

Behind them is a vast bank of brown paper filing cabinets.
A photograph of Mao is on the wall.
A photograph of Deng Ziaoping is on another wall.

Each of the five has a little tea table in front of him
with a precious little Sung Dynasty pot and cup.

They speak to one another very quietly
and with a certain formality or courtliness.

Note: in the following dialogue "wwwwwwww" is speech in Chinese that is rendered by the actors as (offensive, politically incorrect) made-up Chinese-sounding gibberish.]

ZHU
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

TRANSLATOR
He says:
this land has belonged to us for many thousands of years.

MR. MARKET
And yet, who can say what belongs to us? We are, all of us, only temporary caretakers.

TRANSLATOR
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

PING
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

TRANSLATOR
He says:
nonetheless, because we have lived here for so many generations, and our ancestors before us, we love the land.

MR. MARKET
Of course you do. We love the earth, all of us, as a mother who gives life and sustenance to us all.

Still, if my group is given the right to buy this valley, we know how to increase the harvest by 300%.

As Karl Marx said: the land should go to those who can make it most productive--for the good of all.

TRANSLATOR
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

PING
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

CHING
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

TRANSLATOR
You will use the grain our ancestors have developed over many generations of farmers, our grain.

MR. MARKET
Not exactly. We have used your seed as the foundation for a new grain we have patented that is resistant to all kinds of insects.

TRANSLATOR
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

ALL CHINESE, TOGETHER
[all inhale sharply through their teeth.]
Ahhhhhh.

PING
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

TRANSLATOR
You have taken our grain, made some small change, patented it, and now you claim to own it.

MR. MARKET
Well, we own the patent. Of course, we are prepared to give you a percentage.

TRANSLATOR
Wwwwwwwwwwwww.

PING
Wwwwww.

TRANSLATOR
How much?

MR. MARKET
Two and a half percent.

TRANSLATOR
Www.

MR. MARKET
In our country, we believe that if you are good enough at multiplication, you don't need to worry about division. Everyone does better. Everyone's a winner.

TRANSLATOR
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

[silence]

PING
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

ZHU
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[silence]

PING
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

ZHU
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

CHING
Www.

[silence]

ZHU
Wwwww.

TRANSLATOR
It's a deal.

ZHU
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

[silence; the Chinese are expressionless]

MR. MARKET
What did he say?

[silence as the Chinese all look at each other in embarrassment; at last Zhu nods to the translator to go ahead and render the translation]

TRANSLATOR
He said: thank God. We used to think that communism would solve all of our problems. Now we see that capitalism will solve all our problems.

[silence for a moment, then:

the Chinese all look at Mr. Market and smile;

Mr. Market smiles, too.

A "flash camera" goes off to capture the historic moment.

Again: music from the Chinese opera of Caucasian Chalk Circle.

The audience on the stage applauds and begins to get up from their seats.

The play that follows is set in East Germany.
The Revolution we are in the midst of is the breakdown of the wall,
the end of Communism in the East--
indeed, the end of Communism.

Among the audience members:

Erich Honecker, the Secretary General of the Communist Party of East Germany
who, at age 77, is rail thin, white as parchment,
having just come through three cancer surgeries,
with steel-rimmed glasses, wide, frightened eyes, a cadaver.

Honecker is accompanied by two cronies:
Modrow and Krenz.

We have here a meeting between Georg Grosz (men with beards, cigars, eyeglasses, lumpy heads, misshapen faces, and badly designed but expensive clothes of the political class), the Marx Brothers, Robert Rauschenberg, Commedia, vaudeville, revolution, guilt, Town and Country magazine, money, and the exhilaration of making things up as you go along.

Honecker explodes immediately after the Chinese play, before the applause has stopped]:

HONECKER (coughing sepulchrally)
What is this? Is this some sort of political play?

[silence--to his cronies]

Who brought me here to see this, was it you, Krenz?

STUPID KRENZ
Uhhhhhh, no, not me, not me. I think it must have been Hans, Herr Honecker.

HONECKER
Was it you, Hans?

SLY MODROW
No, not I. I certainly don't remember bringing you here. But, in any case, if by any chance it turns out that I did, this was certainly not the play I thought we were going to see. I thought we were supposed to see a play by Brecht, and I don't think this is it at all. I, uh, I think the artistic director has made possibly some changes to the text.

HONECKER
Who is that?

SLY MODROW
Who?

HONECKER
The artistic director.

SLY MODROW
Ah. That would be Heiner Muller.

HONECKER
Heiner Muller. Where is this Heiner Muller? Is he here?

[silence;
the actors playing the translator and Ching have left at the end of the prologue, but the actor playing Zhu has come out from backstage;
he now looks to his left at the man who stands next to him;
this man has vomit on his t-shirt, his hair is a matted mass,
he is badly shaved, is blotchy red-faced, with brown-shaded sun glasses;
this is Heiner Muller,
the slimeball artistic director of the Berliner Ensemble.

Everyone else edges toward the margins,
tense, fearful, hoping they won't be noticed--
leaving the Artistic Director and the Secretary General
isolated at center
to have their little summit meeting
to see whether Honecker squashes Muller like a bug.]
HONECKER
So.
You are Heiner Muller?

MULLER
I, uh, yes, yes, your honor, I am.

HONECKER
And you're responsible for this play?

MULLER
Well, yes, in a sense, of course, one is never entirely responsible, in the sense that, uh, theatre is a collaborative art, so that really, it is the uh general group or the uh collective that is responsible for a theatrical work--the society as a whole really that is responsible.

HONECKER
Ah-ha. But would you say, in your own opinion, that this was a political play we have just seen?

MULLER
Oh.
Political.
No.
No, not at all.

HONECKER
It seems to me like a political play.

MULLER
Yes, of course, it would appear to be so, but in actuality, it is not political at all; it is, rather, a human play, a play about how human beings feel, no doubt because of the way they were brought up, you know, their childhoods, their mothers and fathers, you know the reference to having lived there for generations.

HONECKER
A bourgeois play.

MULLER
Yes, well, no. I mean, of course, you are quite right, very perceptive, to see that it might appear to be so, whereas in reality, it undermines the very premises of the bourgeois play, in that you can see that this fellow from the West is greedy because he has been raised in a capitalist home, where he's had to learn to compensate for the deprivation of love by becoming a consumer.

HONECKER
Ah-ha. I see.

MULLER
Otherwise, if not, of course, we would be asking your office of censorship to correct us, as we have been corrected in the past when we have gone off track, not seeing for the moment the error of our ways and, frankly, grateful to you--because there are things that should not be seen on the stage! Things that should not be seen in art at all, art of any kind!

I mean, would one want to see a bottle of piss on the stage? No! Does one want to see pornography on stage? No! Sexuality. Sexuality of all kinds. What one might see from these sexual relationships, what they might show of some deeper relationships, for example, of the way in which the public world invades our private lives, invades the very depths of our souls so that this invasion, this twisted or perverted political structure in which we live might in some way be seen to have shaped, or misshaped our innermost souls? No. No! No! What we like in our work is a celebration of the human spirit, of possibility. Optimism! Optimism!

[he is mopping his brow of perspiration]

And I must say, speaking not for myself alone, but for our entire company here, we are grateful for a government that ensures the public order and nurtures the public good, sometimes even by giving grants to cultural institutions, god knows!, even though to be sure it is easier to give grants to ballet companies or to art museums rather than to theatres where words are used and because words have meaning, this or that word might offend someone even without meaning to although we make every effort to delete every offensive word we are able to locate so that the government will be able to give us a grant--although your excellency, in all honesty, I must say that you have cut our grants in recent years. I mean not you, not you yourself, of course, but your granting agency.

[he is on his knees now, clutching at Honecker's knees;
he is weeping now]

I beg your pardon. This wasn't my intention. I just, whenever I start talking on any topic at all, I can't help myself soon I find my mouth talking about money, when I'm thinking of nothing at all, my mind turns to money, because I've become a shameless person, shameless and pathetic, even though still, of course, I am a citizen and proud to be one really, overcome really with the good luck of living in our country, god bless it. Let me kiss the hem of your garment.

[he grabs the pant leg of Honecker]

HONECKER
Stop that! Stop it!

[Modrow and Krenz pull him off.
Muller, looking around desperately, sees the baby held in the arms of Honecker's young mistress Christa]

MULLER
And whose baby is this?

My God what a beautiful child! My God what a beautiful child! Excuse me for saying my God, I mean excuse me for saying my God, but what else can one say in the presence of such a beautiful baby? What is this child's name? Wait, wait, don't tell me. Is this the baby I've heard so much about?

[to Honecker]

This is your child, isn't it? I don't mean to embarrass you but let's admit it at your age quite the cocksman I beg your pardon I beg your pardon I only mean to say that I hope I myself at your age, you know what I mean, but this is, correct me if I'm wrong, is this not Karl Marx Honecker?
HONECKER
It is.

MULLER
What a glorious name. I mean, this is a name that bears some history!

HONECKER
Yes, well....

MULLER
Will he succeed you?

SLY MODROW
This is not the way we do things,
passing down titles like aristocracy.

MULLER
Of course, of course, it slipped my mind,
you know, one does historical plays, one forgets how things are.

May I hold the baby?

CHRISTA
Erich!

MULLER
Let me just kiss his sweet brow.

[he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and goes for the baby]

CHRISTA
Erich!

HONECKER
Don't touch that baby!

MULLER
Let me kiss the foot of the mother of our hope of the future.

CHRISTA
Would you get this piece of crap off my shoe?

[Modrow and Krenz stop Muller]

HONECKER [to Muller]
Could you learn to show a little respect?

CHRISTA
Right. Exactly.
Could you show a little respect?
And come to think of it, Daddy-
[to Honecker]
how about you?
Maybe you could show a little respect, too.
[to the others]
You know, he doesn't mind hearing about his little baby
being the hope of the future
but do you think he has made a nice home for me and the baby?
No.
You know: when
you have plenty of money, no sweat,
now you can turn around and say to everyone else:
Hey! Money isn't everything
Don't be, you know: grasping.
But I had to make my own way.
How I grew up: we had nothing.
So, of course, it turns out, I am a desperate woman.
There are things I want.
I keep saying to Erich:
can't we at least send away to Paris for wallpaper?

PAMELA
I agree with you completely. Completely!
Children: they need a nice home.
To say nothing of the wife.

[silence; throat clearing]

Or mistress. Whoever. You know:
mate, partner, significant other.
I mean, we are people, too.

HONECKER
Who is this?

PAMELA
Pamela Dalrymple. From New York. And you must be?

HONECKER
Erich Honecker.

STUPID KRENZ
From East Berlin.

PAMELA
Yes! Yes! Of course. I sort of put that together. Imagine that. Such a fascinating city! I came to Berlin, you know, to do a little sightseeing, and I just couldn't resist coming over here to East Berlin to see the Berliner Ensemble I'd heard so much about them all these years, and aren't they just--different! I've never seen anything so different. Of course I don't pretend to understand anything I see in the theatre. Especially when it's in Chinese!

[she laughs happily at her own joke; no one else does]

Ah, well, but aren't all the arts Chinese these days, if you know what I mean.

And, yet, Mr. Secretary, if I may call you that, I think this young lady is right: you can't very well live without a nice home. You know this is one of the wonderful things about democracy, I've always said: the single family home, and the goal of each individual to fulfill the unique potential within, and to do it to the utmost and, then even more than that it leads one to decency and gaiety and enjoyment and warmth. You know, warmth will take you a long way if you are a human being. And, frankly, I think that's what this play is missing.

[to Muller]

You could do with a little warmth. You know: human beings are not just all what's in their heads, or this sort of experimental Chinesey kind of thing. I mean, nobody understands that. Nobody identifies with that. This is not how human beings are. We are warm people. You need to try to deal a little bit more with our feelings. And, frankly, if you were to change your shirt, people might think you were a little more approachable. What is this on your shirt?

MULLER
This?

PAMELA
Yes.

MULLER
Vomit. I think it's vomit.

PAMELA [to Honecker]
You see what I mean?

MULLER
Well, I can't always be changing my shirt, you know: we don't have any heat in the theatre--which I also meant to mention to your excellency....

HONECKER
Heat? Heat? What does the state give a damn for your theatre with its little coterie of elitists coming here to enjoy some art that no one else understands or gives a damn about? The state may want to support art that all the people can enjoy, don't you know, volk festivals, volk dancing, volk music, patriotic pageants for the children in the schools, but for this stuff you people do here, I say freeze your butts off for all I care.

ACTOR ZHU
You know what people say about you?

MULLER
Shhh!

HONECKER
No. Of course I don't. How would I know?

MULLER
Shhh!

ACTOR ZHU
They tell the joke: "why doesn't Honecker ever play hide and seek?"

HONECKER
So, well. Why not?

ACTOR ZHU
Because: "Who would come to look for you?"

[Everyone laughs--except for Modrow and Krenz and Honecker, who are stony-faced--which everyone finally notices, and stops laughing.]

HONECKER
You think this is funny? I'll tell you what's funny. You want to know what I think about your theatre? I piss on your theatre! That's what I think, in case you want to know. I piss on it! I fart on it and shit on it. I piss on you, too, you little scumball....

SLY MODROW
I think your car is waiting for you just out front here.

HONECKER
And if I ever come back here again it will be to see you pissing yourself because you have come to the end of the line with this bullshit theatre and all your bullshit little sensitive bullshit.

[he is physically assisted toward the door by Modrow and Krenz]

SLY MODROW
Come this way, Mr. Secretary.

HONECKER
You have not heard the last from me. You will see me again, I assure you!

HEINER MULLER
Still, you may change your mind!

[the front double doors to the theatre are opened and a deafening, theatre-shaking roar of a crowd is heard from outside

STUDENTS
Stasi Raus! Stasi Raus!

HONECKER
What the hell is this?

STUPID KRENZ
There's a crowd out there!

SLY MODROW
Students. They're nothing but students.

STUPID KRENZ
They have rocks. They've all got rocks.

[The theatre staff all rush to the doors to look out
and a deafening wall of sound crashes through the theatre.

SIGN-MAN
Scene 2. The end of communism.


Scene 2

The End of Communism

[A revolution is occurring in the streets. People are yelling and chanting--and Honecker and Modrow and Krenz are blown back into the theatre lobby, and Modrow and Krenz strain to close the doors on the crowd outside.]

[DULLE GRIET is blown into the theatre--
shoved by the crowd outside--
past Modrow and Krenz,
and Modrow and Krenz slam the doors shut behind her.]

DULLE GRIET
Oh!
Oh!
Excuse me!

HONECKER
So! What's this? Eh? What do you think you're doing?

DULLE GRIET
Look!
I've got a piece of the wall!
Look!

HONECKER
A piece of the wall?
What wall?

DULLE GRIET
The wall that separates us from the West!
We are all tearing down the wall.

HONECKER
Tearing down the wall?

DULLE GRIET
Yes. And we are tearing down the government, too.
From now on,
everything is going to be brand new.
From now on,
everyone is going to have hope.

MULLER
Ah. You want to be careful what you say.

DULLE GRIET
Right. People always tell you:
be careful what you wish for, too,
but they just say that
to make you feel afraid
to wish for anything at all.
The truth is:
the way things are is not the way they always have been
or the way they have to be.
You can change the world.

HONECKER
Get her name, Modrow.

SLY MODROW
What is your name, miss?

DULLE GRIET
Dulle Griet.

MODROW
Dulle Griet?

DULLE GRIET [speaking slowly and distinctly so Modrow can write it down]
Dulle Griet.

HONECKER
Let me tell you something, young lady:
I never forget a name.

DULLE GRIET
Oh, Jeez, how do you do it?
I always have trouble remembering names.

PAMELA
Well, you should always try to focus on the other person.
Forget the impression you are making on him.
Otherwise, afterwards, you remember your own name
but you can't remember his.

KRENZ
That's good advice.

DULLE GRIET
I think that's what I always do wrong.

PAMELA
You can fix it with a little practice every day.

DULLE GRIET
Right. Right.
Thanks for the advice.
I'm glad I ran into you.

PAMELA
It was lovely to meet you, too, dear.

STUDENTS
Die mauer muss weg!

DULLE GRIET
And, I'm sorry to just run off, you know,
but my friends are waiting for me.
You know, we're making history.
Nice meeting you all.

[She opens the door.
The roar of revolution.
She leaves.]

SLY MODROW
Quick. Is this your back door?

HEINER MULLER
The stage entrance?
[to one of his company]
Will you let His Excellency out the back way?

ACTOR ZHU
Help him get away?

HEINER MULLER
You want people to think he's a friend of ours?
Let him out the back way.

[the Secretary General and his men are rushed off toward the back door]

PAMELA [pacing back and forth excitedly]
Oh. I've never been in a revolution. I've thought I might be, of course, but I've never had the luck even to see one.

HEINER
Out the side. The side.

PAMELA
I suppose the closest I came was when I went to the Madeira school, we all wore the same uniform, so that induced a sort of egalitarian spirit--and we were taught about poverty; I mean we had a Poverty Party once and donated the proceeds to the Social Welfare Fund, but I can't say that poverty ever touched us very directly, so, to me, this is quite an unusual opportunity.

[the Secretary General and his men come rushing back in, led by one of the Ensemble company members]

TRANSLATOR
There is a crowd out there, too.

SLY MODROW
We seem to be surrounded.

STUPID KRENZ
There's no way out.


COSTUME DESIGNER
Don't say that.
[to an assistant]
Bring me that rack of things, darling, and let's disguise these fellows.

[Modrow starts feverishly stripping.]

SLY MODROW
Take me first.

CHRISTA
Here. Hold this.

[Krenz takes the baby awkwardly, looks helplessly around.]

Do we have something in a sort of lime green?

[Suddenly, while Christa goes on talking, all the Secretary General's party is frantically putting on costumes with the help of the designer and his assistant--Christa going through multiple costumes, finding nothing she likes.]

CHRISTA
No. No. You don't.
My God, you've got nothing here.
[ripping something off the hanger and holding it up]
Nothing.
This is pathetic.

I went to Saks and I said to the saleslady
do you have thongs?
You know, this is in America.

[she is pacing frantically back and forth]

She pushes her eyeglasses up her nose and says
for underwear?
Right, I say, for underwear.
No, she says, we don’t have thongs,
we have bikinis.
They come in a package of three, she says.

Three?
Three?
I don’t want a package of three, I yell at her.
And pretty soon, they’re calling over the store detective
telling me to pipe down
Pipe down, I say,
I’m a fucking shopper!
The reason you have a job is because I am here
demanding things!
And so the next thing I know
I’m being manhandled,
I find myself back out on Fifth Avenue
and I’m supposed to count myself lucky that I’m not in jail--
that’s what happened to me
the last time I tried to shop at Saks!
And they call that a free country?

[While Christa tries on various outfits,
the baby is passed back and forth among Krenz and Modrow
and the other bystanders,
each looking around nervously
asking "who is going to take the baby?"
until the Secretary General's party is all costumed.]

SLY MODROW
OK. Ready? Are you ready?

STUPID KRENZ
Ready.

SLY MODROW
Mr. Secretary?

HONECKER
Ready.

ZHU ACTOR
Here, hold this [gives baby to Pamela]. Follow me.

[The parade of absurdly costumed cronies
sets out for the back door in an unseemly rush.

Pamela has ended up holding the baby,
rocking it back and forth as she talks to Christa.
She watches the Secretary General's party run out.]

PAMELA
I feel so lucky. In Paris one time, traveling with my friend Connie, we saw a demonstration of some sort, and so of course we joined it. We walked through the streets with the bakers for a couple of hours, and it reminded me of Bastille Day, but then, after a little while, we broke off from the demonstration to have lunch with my Aunt Elise, who had left San Francisco after her husband died and taken up residence in a beautifully decorated home in Paris, where she....

[Roaring and shouts from the back door.
Everyone turns to listen.

The Secretary General's party are all brought back in, manacled.
Two students have them in tow,
and the students are accompanied by Dulle Griet
who still holds a piece of the Berlin wall in her hand.]

STUDENT LEADER
These people here say they are actors
they say they were just in a play
here in your theatre.
Is that true?

HEINER MULLER
We don't know these people.
This one looks like Honecker to me.

DULLE GRIET
Erich Honecker?

HEINER MULLER
Right.

COSTUME DESIGNER
And that one, he looks like Hans Modrow.

DULLE GRIET
Hans Modrow?
Gee, I can't believe I just met these people,
and I didn't even ask their names!
[to Pamela]
God, it's just like you were saying!
I was so worried about the impression I was making!

STUDENT LEADER
We should put them on trial.

HEINER MULLER
Right. Or just take him out and shoot him.

HONECKER
This man
[pointing at Muller]
has just signed his own death warrant.

STUDENT LEADER
Okay. Let's take them away.

[The students of out door with the Secretary General's party and are met by the roar of crowd.
Actor Zhu follows them out.
Other members of the Berliner Ensemble are gazing out the door]

[Pamela is holding the baby]

PAMELA
Wait! Christa!
Hey! Wait!
You've forgotten your baby! Mr. Muller, she doesn't have her baby.

ACTOR ZHU
The cabinet of Willi Stoph has resigned!
They say they are going to make Egon Krenz
Secretary General of the Party.


PAMELA
Egon Krenz?
Who is Krenz?

STUPID KRENZ
What's that?

PAMELA
They are making Egon Krenz Secretary General.

STUPID KRENZ
I am Egon Krenz.
I am Egon Krenz.
I am Egon Krenz!

[Cheers from the crowd outside:
Egon Krenz.
Egon Krenz.
Egon Krenz.
Egon Krenz.]

PAMELA
Hey! Wait! Wait!
What am I supposed to do with this baby?

Young man
There's no need to feel down, I said
Young man
Pick yourself up off the ground, I said
Young man
Because you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy

Young man
There's a place you can go, I said
Young man
When you're short on your dough you can
Stay there
And I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time

SIGN MAN
Scene three. Checkpoint Charlie


Scene 3

Checkpoint Charlie

The stage revolves on a turntable.
We are out on the streets.
Everybody has suitcases and bundles and is pushing baby prams
filled with enormous bunches of bananas.
They sing the American pop song: YMCA
They are joined by the company from the theatre, including Pamela

     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     They have everything for young men to enjoy
     You can hang out with all the boys
     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     You can get yourself clean
     You can have a good meal
     You can do whatever you feel

Young man
Are you listening to me, I said
Young man
What do you wanna be, I said
Young man
You can make real your dreams
But you've got to know this one thing:

No man
Does it all by himself, I said
Young man
Put your pride on the shelf and just
Go there
To the YMCA
I'm sure they can help you today.

It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     They have everything for young men to enjoy
     You can hang out with all the boys
     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     It's fun to stay at the Y * M * C * A
     You can get yourself clean
     You can have a good meal
     You can do whatever you feel

[Everyone has arms full of toys, flowers, and cosmetics.
Everyone chews gum and smokes American cigarettes.
And some people have chunks of the wall.
They are all taking photographs of each other.
The soldiers have put down their arms.
They have guns, helmets, gas masks, clubs, shields, riot gear--
but just carry it around in their hands
because the police have been called off
and they are no longer trying to impose order.

The moment after the revolution--the moment the song ends--
the American investment banker Warren arrives.
He is eating a hamburger and drinking a Coke.
He speaks to the soldiers.]

WARREN
Excuse me, I don't mean to intrude
but I was told I might find the new director of the Central Bank here.

STUDENT 2
Do we have a central bank?

WARREN [with a smile]
Everyone has a central bank.

PAMELA
Warren!

WARREN
Pamela!

PAMELA
What are you doing here?

WARREN
Well, it's obvious what I'm doing here.
What are you doing here?

PAMELA
All I meant to do was to come and see a play!

WARREN
And you have a baby?

PAMELA
This is not my baby.
I can't take care of a baby.
I'm looking for his mother.

STUDENT LEADER
Are you from America?

WARREN
Yes. Yes.

STUDENT 2
A businessman?

WARREN
Yes. An investor.
I'm here looking for investments.

STUDENT LEADER [sidling up to him]
I've got some investments I could show you myself
if you're interested in that sort of thing.

STUDENT 2
If you want my advice, you'll jump in right away.
Get in on the ground floor.

WARREN
Well, if there's anything I've learned
I've learned you never ask the barber if you need a haircut.

[The students and others in the crowd are all taken aback,
impressed by the wisdom of his aphorism.]

STUDENT 2
Still, you don't want to be afraid of taking a risk.

WARREN
If there's anything I've learned
I've learned to be patient.
You can't swing at the ball while it's still in the pitcher's glove.

[All laugh, appreciating his wise investor's humor--
"getting" his jokes.]

STUDENT LEADER
Stick around.
I think there are some people here you could really work with.

WARREN
Maybe. Maybe not.
You know:
My idea of a group decision is to look in the mirror.
[All laugh.]

STUDENT 2
Nonetheless, you play too hard to get, you'll miss the big opportunities.

WARREN
In my experience,
you don't want to get too seduced by big opportunities.
If there had been a really smart capitalist on the ground at Kitty Hawk,
the best thing the guy could have done
was to have shot Wilbur down.

STUDENT LEADER [beginning to show some respect]
So what you're saying is work on your analytical skills.


WARREN
Right. And look at your fundamental values.
Think of this:
There are 21 billion razor blades used in the world every year.
Of all of those, Gillette has 30% of the market.
And with the price they charge: 60% of the value of the market.
In some countries they have 90%.
Here's something you do every day
and you get a terrific shaving experience.
Now men are not inclined to shift around
when they get that kind of situation.
And if you own a little of Gillette
you go to bed feeling very comfortable
just thinking about two and a half billion men
with hair growing while you sleep.

STUDENT LEADER
What you want to be is sharp.

WARREN
Sharp, yes, but honest.
I always say,
when I'm looking for people to work with,
I want them to have integrity, brains, and stamina.
If they don't have integrity,
they'll kill you with their brains and stamina.
Think about it:
if you hire someone who's not honest
you really want them to be dumb and lazy.

STUDENTS
Right...right.

STUDENT 2
I notice you drink a lot of Coke.

WARREN
I drink five cherry cokes a day.
That's 750 calories.
I would have lost 70 pounds a year if I didn't drink them.
Really, it's been a lifesaver.

CROWD MEMBER 1
[taking out a little leather pouch]
I have a few diamonds.
I could take them liquid
and have some cash to put in the market

STUDENT LEADER
Yeah, well, I have some jewelry
if you're talking about raising cash
I could just give it to you to decide


STUDENT 2
If it comes to that, I have a little cash already,
I have some Deutschemarks.

CROWD MEMBER 2 [taking off his coat]
I have a coat, you could take my fur coat.

CROWD MEMBER 3 [pulling Warren offstage]
Come with me. I want to show you something.
I promise you:
this is worth your while.

WARREN
No, no, wait!
Pamela!

PAMELA
Warren!

WARREN
Pamela, I love you,
I've always loved you,
I meant to tell you when we were in Palm Springs

PAMELA
I love you, too!
I love you, too!

[He is gone.}

Goddammit!
Do you know who he is?
Goddammit!
There goes the best chance I ever had!
And I'm stuck here all because I've got this goddam baby.
Will someone take this goddam baby?

SOMEONE WITH A BULLHORN
The news is:
Egon Krenz is out.
Egon Krenz is out.

PAMELA
Who's Egon Krenz?

SOMEONE WITH A BULLHORN
Hans Modrow is Secretary General.
Hans Modrow is Secretary General.
[A cheer goes up from the crowd.]

[Muller slinks across the stage, keeping to the margins,
as though he were getting out of town,
a pile of folders in his arms.]

PAMELA:
[holding out child]
Oh, Mr. Muller....

HEINER MULLER
[says nothing--keeps going]

[Christa comes running in.]

CHRISTA
I've left some things behind.

PAMELA
I've been looking for you,
I have your baby.

CHRISTA
Stay right here.
I'll be right back.

[She runs into the theatre.]

PAMELA
Thank God,
I thought I was stuck forever with this child.

STUDENT LEADER
Who's child is this?

PAMELA
It belongs to Christa.

STUDENT LEADER
You mean to Honecker?

PAMELA
Yes, it's his little boy.

STUDENT LEADER
This is Honecker's child?
Wait, don't go away.
We're going to take this child
and put him with the Secretary General.

PAMELA
In jail?

STUDENT LEADER
Right.
We don't want any heir apparent on the loose.
Wait right here.
Don't go away.

[Christa comes running back out, with an arm full of costumes from the theatre.]

CHRISTA
Where did he go?

PAMELA
Who?

CHRISTA
Did you see my driver?

PAMELA
I didn't see anyone with you.

CHRISTA
Damn him.
How am I going to carry all this stuff?

PAMELA
What stuff?

CHRISTA
These clothes.
Did you see the things they had in there?

PAMELA
I thought you didn't like anything they had.

CHRISTA
That's what I said.
You didn't think I was going to say I liked the stuff!
[yelling to her driver offstage]
Dieter! Don't you do that! Don't move that car! I'm coming!

PAMELA
Wait wait wait!
Christa.
You've forgotten your baby.

CHRISTA (stops dead)
Oh right.
The baby.
Look, right now, the way things are
Erich gone, the revolution,
the baby's going to be a whole lot better off with you.
OK?
You take care of him.

PAMELA
But...

CHRISTA
For his sake.
I'll be back.
[she runs out yelling.]
Dieter, I'm coming. Wait for me. Dieter!

PAMELA
Wait!
Wait.
Damn!

I can't take care of a baby.
Damn.
[she looks at the baby]
And I can't just leave you here.

[she looks around
sees Dulle Griet;
to Dulle Griet]

Have you ever been a mother?

DULLE GRIET
No.

PAMELA
Ever taken care of children?

DULLE GRIET
No.

PAMELA
Never mind.

[handing the baby to Dulle Griet]

You can be my au pair.
I'm giving you $150 a week plus room and board.

DULLE GRIET
Well, I don't know.

PAMELA
$250.

DULLE GRIET [pulling back the baby blanket to look at the baby]
It's a sweet baby.
Do you think it will like me?

PAMELA
He's going to love you.

DULLE GRIET [speaking to the baby] Of all living creatures,
the elephant is the most noble.
It will bury its own dead
with dust and earth
and green boughs.
It will not pass by the body of one of its own
without stopping to grieve at their common misery
and perform the rites of burial.

They are chaste creatures,
and monogamous,
and modest about procreation.
They will seek woods and secret places
and sometimes water--
lakes or ponds or streams--
and while they copulate
they turn their heads toward the East.

There was an elephant in Egypt once
who was in love with a woman who sold corals.
This same woman was loved by Aristophanes of Byzantium--
and Aristophanes rightly complained
that never before
had a man had to compete with an elephant
for the love of a woman.
One day, at the market,
the elephant brought the woman certain apples
and put them into her bosom,
holding his trunk there a great while,
handling and playing with her breasts.

They like flowers and ointments.
They love a meadow filled with flowers.
They will bathe often,
and are well-known for their gentleness.

They can be killed with ditches.
If fruit and flowers are placed in a ditch
and then the ditch is covered over with boughs and leaves,
the elephant will fall in
and impale itself on sharpened stakes.

You could say: I am not an elephant.

What do elephants have to do with me?

You could say: I am not a root. I am not a berry.

What do roots and berries have to do with me?

And yet
this is how the trouble
so often begins.

PAMELA
That's lovely.
Just lovely.
Okay, let's get on with it.

[The stage begins to revolve on the turntable.
And Pamela--with Dulle Griet--begins her flight.

Taxi!
Taxi!

How do you get a taxi around here?

DULLE GRIET
A taxi?

PAMELA
What?
You have to phone for a cab in Germany?
I just hate it when they do that.
Well, never mind.
We can walk.
Come along.

[She leads the way with Dulle Griet following,
carrying the baby.

Dulle Griet sings a lullaby to the baby: a reprieve of YMCA,
or "Baby Face, you've got the cutest little Baby Face...." etc.]


Scene 4

Berlin Alexanderplatz

[The stage revolves;
they arrive in another square of Berlin.
It is deserted
except for an old broken down truck
with an open cab.
They are in front of an imposing classical building.]

DULLE GRIET
Where are we going?

PAMELA
To the Staatliche Museum.

DULLE GRIET
That's the Staatliche Museum right there.

PAMELA
Good. I found it.

SIGN MAN
Scene 4. Berlin Alexanderplatz.

DULLE GRIET
You wanted to go to a museum?

PAMELA
I've come to get the Pergamon Altar Piece.
Have you seen it?

DULLE GRIET
I don't think so.

PAMELA
A big group of marble sculptures, from Pergamon.
The Germans stole it from the Greeks.

DULLE GRIET
I didn't know.

PAMELA
I'm going to get it back.
This is the chance of a lifetime, you know.
These revolutions don't come along so often.
And I'm certainly not going to leave the Altar Piece here
to get smashed up by a bunch of German rioters.

I mean:
a bunch of rioters.

DULLE GRIET
I don't think you can steal something so easily from a museum.

PAMELA
I'll pay the guards for it.
You wait here.
I won't be gone long.

DULLE GRIET
What if you don't come back?
Oh, no.

[Pamela steps inside the door
and steps right back out again
followed by two soldiers
in ratty old uniforms
who are serving as museum guards
carrying immense pieces of marble sculpture.]

PAMELA
Okay. Put it in the truck.

SOLDIER ONE, WERNER
Yes, maam.

SOLDIER TWO, HERMANN
I don't know.

WERNER
You don't know what?

HERMANN
I don't know about putting it in the truck.
That's the museum truck, you know.

WERNER
You didn't get paid for putting it in the truck?

HERMANN
I'm saying: I don't know about the truck.

PAMELA
It's a package deal, take it or leave it.

WERNER
We're taking it.
We're taking it.

PAMELA
Then let's get it going.

[as they put the sculptures in the back of the truck]

HERMANN
There's no ignition in this truck, you know.

WERNER
What do you mean by that?

HERMANN
Just what I said: there's no ignition in this truck.
Why do you think it's sitting here?

WERNER
O, yeah.

HERMANN
Plus, there's no clutch either.

WERNER
Oh.

HERMANN
That's why I said: I don't know about the truck.
I don't think it has an engine yet either.

WERNER
Oh.
No engine.
Unh-hunh.

HERMANN
You sold this truck to her
and you didn't know about the engine?

WERNER
Of course I knew about the engine!
This is one of the new models, you know.
Usually you buy your basic truck
and then the mechanics put in all the extras.
But with parts in short supply,
you know how it is.
Probably it's the same in America just like here.

PAMELA
You mean to say this truck doesn't go?

WERNER [shouting angrily, self-righteously]
Well, it goes if you push it.
Did you think of that?
Women! You leave all the thinking to a man!

PAMELA
I'm not pushing any goddam truck.

WERNER
I'll tell you what we'll do
We'll throw in some books and manuscripts, too.
Take the whole lot for the same price.
[to Hermann]
Go get some nice illustrated books.

You'll see.
It's going to be okay.
This truck has good brakes.
Standard equipment.

PAMELA
Do you know how things are in other places in the world?
Do you know, when we had guests on the Riviera at La Garoupe,
there were fresh flowers in every room.
No one who ever asked for Campari the first time they visited
Ever had to request his favorite drink again.
The butlers wrote down everything.
There was never a mistake.
This is how things are done in other places.

WERNER
Well, I'm pleased to hear it.
More or less, it's the same thing here.

HERMANN
The books are in the truck.

WERNER
Right.
Good luck to you ladies.

[They go back inside the museum.
Pamela and Dulle Griet stand with the truck.]

PAMELA
No problem.
I'll hold the baby while you push.

[She gets in the driver's seat.]

Okay, let's go. Ready in the front.

[The soldiers appear again.]

WERNER
Hey!
Wait a minute!
Oh. So.
What have we here?

PAMELA
What have we where?
WERNER
What are you two ladies doing here with a truck load of stuff?

PAMELA
What's the matter with you?
You're the one who just sold it to me!

WERNER
Me?
No, no, no.
Not me, lady.

PAMELA
This is the same fellow who just sold this truck to me, isn't he?

HERMANN
I'm sure I wouldn't know, lady.
I don't remember seeing you before.

WERNER
I'll have to ask you for your passport.

PAMELA
This is completely outrageous,
you do business with someone
and then you pretend you've never seen them before?

WERNER
Excuse me.
I'm not a businessman, madam.
I am a state employee, and I'll be needing to see your passport.

PAMELA
I'm certainly not going to give you my passport.

WERNER
What's the trouble?
The way you talk, a person would think you had something to hide.
I think you'd better give your passport to me,
or we are going to have to search your truck.

[Pamela gives the passport to him.]

PAMELA
You people have a lot to learn about how things are done.

WERNER
You'll have to leave your passport with me for a few days
until we've had a chance to run it through the computer.

PAMELA
A few days.
I can't leave my passport with you.
I'm going home today.

WERNER
Oh, I don't think so.
You know: these things happen.
You take one step outside the law
and the next thing you know
it's a jungle.
Corruption runs amok.
Might makes right.
There's hell to pay.
You should have thought a little bit ahead.

PAMELA
What do you think you're going to do--
sell my passport?

WERNER
I could do that,
but that would be wrong.

Good luck to you, ladies.

[The Soldiers go back inside.]

DULLE GRIET
Where are we going now?
You won't get far without a passport.

PAMELA
We'll hang out somewhere.
The way things are going,
this fucking country is going to collapse,
and then we'll be out of here.
The thing now is to find a place to lie low for a few days.

DULLE GRIET
Right.

PAMELA
A spa or some kind of resort
you know
like your famous places where they have the mineral baths.

DULLE GRIET
Oh.

PAMELA
You know.
Baden Baden. Marienbad.

DULLE GRIET
I don't know.
But I have a brother who lives near Dresden.
We could stay with him
or maybe he knows where there's a spa.

PAMELA
Good.
Let's go, then.
Ready in the front.

[Dulle Griet begins to push the truck around the periphery of the circle.]

Do you know any lullabies?

DULLE GRIET
I think so.

DULLE GRIET SINGS
The Beatles' All You Need is Love

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.
All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

[They travel a la Brecht,
around the periphery of the revolving stage in one huge circle as the stage turns;
the stage can be littered here and there with broken bicycles, broken automobile engines, broken factory equipment, broken dolls, broken toys, old government file cabinets, old Soviet tanks, old helmets, old machine guns, jeeps, helicopters.]

PAMELA
Wait, wait! Stop!
Where are we going?
Have we been here before?
What's going on?

DULLE GRIET
I think we're going in circles.

PAMELA
Well, we can't go on like this.
I'm exhausted.

[Dulle Griet sits down, completely worn out.]

PAMELA
You know,
I was in Turin one time
and I just couldn't get back to Paris to pick up my son
who was coming in to the Gare du Nord,
some friends were dropping him off
he'd been, you know, visiting with them in the country,
so I called Susan Mary Alsop,
Susan Mary Patten at the time,
she married Joe sometime later, I forget when it was,

[somewhere in the midst of this
she switches from talking to Dulle Griet to talking to the baby]

and I asked her if she couldn't please make the rendezvous
at the Gare du Nord
well, it was a nightmare for her, I know,
it was rush hour
and she didn't know the people
who were bringing my son in from the country
so there she was
at the Gare du Nord
asking these people to turn over a little boy
to a perfect stranger
but I'm thinking: this time
this time, with this little child
I'm going to do the right thing
I know I can't make it up to my son
but I do think this time
I really can do the right thing.

DULLE GRIET
I'd like to do the right thing myself.
Sometimes I feel such badness welling up in me
I can hardly bear it
it makes me so afraid.
what things I could do
if something turned me loose
there's such anger deep inside
I could go deep into that and never come back again.
And still, I think:
there is some goodness too.
I have in me such an intensity of life.
I sometimes think: oh
how many beautiful songs there are in the world
choirs of all kinds
children in their schoolrooms
farmers in their fields
such a beautiful thing to sing a song.

I think, one day, when my happiness is given to me
When my happiness is given me,
life will be
a nameless thing.
It will seethe and roar;
it will plunge and whirl;
it will leap and shriek in convulsions;
it will quiver in delicate fantasy;
writhe and twist;
glitter and flash and shine;
sing gently;
it will shout in exquisite excitement;
vibrate to the roots
like a great oak in a storm;
it will dance;
it will glide;
it will gallop;
it will fly;
it will soar high--high;
it will go down into depths unexplored;
rage and rave;
sound out like a terrific blare of trumpets;
chime faintly;
sob and grieve and weep;
revel and carouse;
it will go in pride;
lie prone like the dead;
it will float buoyantly on the air.
And when it comes my turn to meet face to face
with the miraculous vision of the Happy Life
I know I will be rendered dumb.
But my feeling will open up like the torrent of a summer rain
like a rain of summer flowers.

PAMELA
Well, you're an odd girl.
I must say, this is what I love so much about travel.
One meets such interesting people.
People you would never get to know otherwise
or even think you'd want to know.

DULLE GRIET
Is that how you met this man Warren?

PAMELA
Yes, I suppose I did,
but Warren, he's altogether different.
He's very rich
but even more than that: he's such a human being.
I've had lots of guys
but Warren: he's the one
if only Warren comes back when this is all over
I'll end up having a happy life after all.

DULLE GRIET
How do you get so many guys?

PAMELA
Well, what do you do?

DULLE GRIET
I don't do anything.

PAMELA
Oh, you have to do something,
they won't find their way to you all by themselves.
I think it helps,
the moment a guy comes into the room
if you just focus on him
just don't see anyone or anything else in the room
go to him
take him by the hand
lead him to a couch
sit down with him there
and never take your eyes off him
just suck him in
touch him a lot
in little ways, everywhere
and then if you have to
once you've got him into bed
bring along a glass of ice cubes
in case his attention wanders
keep an ice cube in your mouth
and run that all over him
you won't have trouble after that
keeping his attention focused on you.

DULLE GRIET
It's not so easy for me, sometimes, even to think of what to wear.
Like, take shoes, for instance.
I sometimes worry whether I have enough pairs,
or too many--though, you know, I don't think two pairs is really too many,
or else maybe I have the wrong sort,
whether they go with things,
or no one wears them anymore--
you know, the heels are too high, or they don't wear red, or alligator--
whether things are, you know,
too short or too long
or you know they shouldn't be embroidered,
you know too baggy or it shouldn't have a fur collar--
this is wrong, or in what way it's wrong,
it's more than I can worry about all the time,
so now I just get what I want and sometimes I don't wear it.
I think
if men and women could just love one another
then there wouldn't be any war.

PAMELA
Right.
[Two soldiers enter.]

WERNER
A couple of women all alone.
[to the women]
What are you two women doing here?

PAMELA
We're taking a little rest.

WERNER
Where is it that you're going?

DULLE GRIET
We're going to my brother's house near Dresden.

WERNER
I see.
[silence]
Have we met before?

PAMELA
What?

WERNER
You look awfully familiar to me.

PAMELA
Is this the line you always use to pick up girls?

WERNER
Sorry. Sorry.

HERMANN
You have nothing to fear from us.
We might look a little scary in our uniforms, but really
there's no army any more.
We're not doing anything.

WERNER
There's not much for us to do
the way things are.
We've been reduced to odd jobs here and there
night guards, railroad guards.
Right now we're looking for a kidnapped baby
can you imagine that?

DULLE GRIET
No.

WERNER
Soldiers reduced to baby sitters.

HERMANN
We're looking for the baby that belongs to Erich Honecker
they think this baby should be put on trial
imagine that
I have his picture here
[he shows the picture to Dulle Griet]
A sweet little thing, eh?

WERNER
I see you have a baby here.

DULLE GRIET
Yes.

WERNER
I guess we should take a look
just to do our job, you know.

DULLE GRIET
He's sleeping now.

WERNER
Unh-hunh.
Well, we can wait for him to wake up.

DULLE GRIET
Oh. Okay.

PAMELA
So, it's the life of leisure for you soldiers now.

HERMANN
Yes, maam.

PAMELA
The good life.

HERMANN
Yes, maam.

WERNER
The life of the idle rich.

PAMELA
And yet, there must be times you miss the olden days.

HERMANN
I suppose there are.

WERNER
Yes, I have to say, there are times I miss the way it was.

PAMELA
Some people, you know, have never seen what it is to fight.
They don't know how it is to be a soldier.


WERNER
Right.
I think that's true.

PAMELA
They don't know what a man can do
when the rules of restraint are taken off.

WERNER
It may be that they don't know, in fact,
a man is always on battle alert,

HERMANN
always lying in ambush,

WERNER
always straining all his senses,

HERMANN
rigid with attention,

WERNER
ready to pounce like bats from dark dungeons
when they are aroused.

HERMANN
the trumpet signal
two notes only

WERNER
dancing in the morning air
and then we're on top of them

HERMANN
our cries meeting the cries of the enemy

WERNER
merging into theirs
like hearts trembling on the brink of eternity
a cry long forgotten
our skin all armor
all steel enclosure
living guns
tanked up motors turned loose with no brakes to hold us
guns wriggling and jerking in our hands like fish

HERMANN
I have to admit:
that feels good to me.

PAMELA
This is how it is for men sometimes.
Why they find it hard to give it up.
I can understand.

WERNER
Well, it's all a question where we are touched most deeply.

HERMANN
Right.

WERNER
And you might say, certainly, the anus is a private place.

HERMANN
Right.

WERNER
The phallus is essentially social.

HERMANN
Right.

WERNER
But the anus--that's mostly private.

HERMANN
Right.

WERNER
When you talk of the constitution of a private person, that's the anus.
And the public person, that's the phallus.
So you could say that exposing one's phallus is a shameful act--but a glorious one, too,
and every man has a phallus
that guarantees him a social place.
And every man has an anus, too,
which is truly his own,
in the most secret depths of his own person.

HERMANN
This is the sort of thing that makes you think:
you wouldn't mind getting back to work.

PAMELA
Well!
I think this conversation has taken a turn
not quite suited to mixed company.

WERNER
Oh, I beg your pardon!

PAMELA
Yes, well, I should think so.
And now, if you gentleman will excuse us
I think my friend and I should be on our way.
I'm sure the two of you need to be getting back to work yourselves.


WERNER
Oh, back to work!
Yes.

HERMANN
Right.

PAMELA
Come along, Dulle Griet.
I think we can leave these gentleman to their duties.
Good day to you gentleman. And good luck.

WERNER
Right. Thank you, maam.
Let's go, Hermann. This way. This way.

HERMANN Coming, Werner.

[The soldiers go out. Pamela and Dulle Griet move on.]

DULLE GRIET
I think this baby needs a little milk.

PAMELA
That shouldn't be too difficult.
Why don't we just check in to this lovely hotel for the night.

SIGN MAN
Scene 5. This lovely hotel.


Scene 5

This Lovely Hotel

[She starts to the front door.]

CONCIERGE
Wait, wait, stop right there.

PAMELA
What seems to be the trouble?

CONCIERGE
We don't take children in this hotel.

PAMELA
We don't have children, we have a baby.

CONCIERGE
As if I didn't know a baby is a child.

PAMELA
I have American dollars.

CONCIERGE
The baby will have to stay with your servant
in the servant's quarters.

PAMELA
Is there milk in the servants' quarters?

CONCIERGE
Of course there is.

PAMELA
Then that will do.

CONCIERGE
Welcome!

[They enter the hotel door.
The stage revolves.
Dulle Griet and the baby go to the kitchen, where there is an immense chef
with big white chef's hat, vast white apron.
Pamela is led to the spa area for a massage.]

PAMELA [as she is being led to the spa area]
Now, I must admit,
I simply love a good massage,
especially after traveling,
I find it just puts my body back together.
And as long as we're going to do a massage,
I don't mind a little brushing and a little scraping,
a little bit of having my pores cleansed,
my torso packed in astringent gels,
a pedicure,
but I must tell you right away,
I don't care for all that deep breathing
and all that calisthenics.
And I really can't stand all those sessions of lymph drainage.
And, while we're on the subject of preferences,
let me say:
I can only take so much of buttermilk and cottage cheese
and those wretched unsalted bits of waferbread
before I want to shoot something.
So I'll be anticipating a little bit of food
after we are finished with the seaweed wrap.
[As she is finishing this, she lies down on a massage table
and a masseur goes to work on her.]

MASSEUR
Yes, maam.

[Meanwhile, in the kitchen.]

COOK
Would you like a cup of tea, love?

DULLE GRIET
Oh, yes, I would, thank you.

COOK
Not at all.

DULLE GRIET [sitting in a corner of the kitchen]
It's a little bit like heaven here
so it seems to me,
so clean and fresh.

COOK
I wouldn't disagree.

DULLE GRIET
I always thought,
probably, heaven is in the Himalayas

COOK [not getting it]
Unh-hunh.

[The cook goes back to cooking,
maybe making bread,
kneading the dough and slamming it down on the breadboard
with immense force and aggression
and a sort of lusty enjoyment of the slamming and banging.]


DULLE GRIET
and the Chinese, you know,
have walled it off from everyone
except the Chinese themselves.
They are saving it for themselves.

But now I see, really,
heaven is right here
where everything is clean.

COOK
This is what you really think?

DULLE GRIET
Well, sure.

COOK
What? Did you read it somewhere?

DULLE GRIET
I don't remember.

COOK'S ASSISTANT
So why do you say that kind of thing?

DULLE GRIET
Because you can say anything you want nowadays.

COOK ASSISTANT
You can?

DULLE GRIET
Yes.

COOK
But you need a little practice at saying anything
because, so far,
what you have to say is gobbledygook.

DULLE GRIET
What kind of things do you say?

COOK
First of all,
the Chinese don't know heaven from their elbow.
You want to know where heaven is:
it's in America.
You want to know what you do when you get to heaven:
you eat like a king, fuck like a mink
and wear whatever you want.
The Americans have more shoes than Imelda Marcos.
America is where Imelda Marcos got her shoes.
And if you want to get to heaven
you're going to have to toughen up.
No more of this hopeful sentimental stuff.

You're going to want to be clear, focused,
on the move,
you know, going forward
like a sailboat
not just sitting here
with your sails luffing in the breeze.
That's the trouble with people in this part of the world
they are all masters of luffing.
Well, you'll be left behind
if you don't get on with your life.
Now, already you've got a baby
you don't even have a husband, am I right?
No job. No money.
But you didn't think twice about taking on a baby.

DULLE GRIET
Oh, I meant to ask:
do you have a little milk?

COOK
This is all you think to do:
ask for a handout.
Don't lift a goddam finger on your own
but show no shame in asking for a handout.
[yelling]
The welfare state is dead!
Get on board!
Look around you!
Get with the program!
It's every man for himself from here on in!

DULLE GRIET
I just thought perhaps a little bit of milk for the baby's bottle.

COOK
What do you think this is, the Marshall Plan?

DULLE GRIET
My employer will pay you for it.

COOK'S ASSISTANT
Ah!
Put it on the tab, eh?

COOK
Now you're thinking like an American.
Righty-oh.

COOK'S ASSISTANT
We'll put it on the tab.
No problem.

COOK
Why didn't you say so in the first place?

DULLE GRIET
I didn't think about it.

COOK'S ASSISTANT
You'll have to get in a little practice:
[singing it out]
put it on the tab!

DULLE GRIET [timidly imitating]
Put it on the tab.

COOK'S ASSISTANT [again, singing it out at full volume]
Put it on the tab.

DULLE GRIET [a little less timidly]
Put it on the tab.

COOK'S ASSISTANT [with COOK, again singing it out at full volume]
Put it on the tab.

DULLE GRIET [very boldly]
Put it on the tab.

[Dulle Griet is now joined by the others in the hotel--
the masseur and concierge and Pamela,
as though, with the sounds of singing coming through the walls,
they don't quite know what is possessing them to sing]

COOK'S ASSISTANT
[with COOK, PAMELA, MASSEUR, CONCIERGE]
Put it on the tab.

DULLE GRIET
Put it on the tab.

[Pounding on the door.
Silence.
Cook and Dulle Griet look toward the door.
Pamela sits bolt upright on her massage table.
She and the masseur look at the door.]

COOK
Who could that be?
It sounds a little like the good old days.

[Concierge suddenly appears.]

CONCIERGE
There are soldiers at the door.
Who's done something wrong?


PAMELA
Dulle Griet!
Get the baby!
Goddammit,
these fellows have probably come back to check for babies in the hotel.

[She rushes into her clothes.]

CONCIERGE
Does this mean you're checking out?
I don't think you've paid your bill.

PAMELA
Just put in on my Amex.

CONCIERGE
We don't take American Express.

PAMELA
Well, you'll have to send the bill to my secretary, then.

CONCIERGE
You said you'd pay in dollars.

PAMELA
Of course I will
but I don't go around carrying cash, do I?
I'll be happy to have my secretary send you a personal check.

CONCIERGE
We don't take checks!

PAMELA
You people have a lot to learn about how business is conducted.
You know, just because I'm rich doesn't mean I'm stupid. What's that? [takes the candelabra]
Come along, Dulle Griet.

[Pamela gathers up the fluffy white towels,
the fluffy white robe, and some bottles of massage oil
to steal.
At the end, she turns back and takes a candelabra, too.
She leaves, covered with a green face mask,
seaweed wrap, clothes pins stuck all over her, etc.]

DULLE GRIET [to the cook]
Thanks for the hospitality.

PAMELA
Come along, Dulle Griet!

[The two of them stand on either side of the double doors
leading outside.
They each open one of the doors,
so that each one of them is hidden when simultaneously
they open the two doors.
The two soldiers rush in.]

WERNER
We've come to search the hotel for a small baby.

[Pamela and Dulle Griet
slip out through the doors,
and close the doors behind themselves.]

Do you have any babies here?

CONCIERGE
Those two women have a baby.

[The soldiers turn around.]

HERMANN
What women?

[Of course, the doors are closed.]

CONCIERGE
The women who just went out.

WERNER [suspiciously]
I didn't see any women.

HERMANN
And we just came in.

CONCIERGE
Two women with a baby
just came and went.
If you hurry, you can catch them.

WERNER
Thank you.
I'll see that you get a commendation for this
if we catch them.

[The two soldiers go to the doors.
Werner opens the door on his side for Hermann.
Hermann opens his door.
Werner closes his door to use Hermann's door.
Hermann closes his door.
Werner opens his door.
Werner closes it.
Etc.
Until they shoulder each other out of the way going through one door.

The stage rotates.

Dulle Griet is pushing the truck again.
Pamela is in the truck with the baby.
They are moving through the woods.]

PAMELA
Speaking of chases.
I remember one night
when I came home to find Gianni in bed with a seventeen year old
Anne Marie d'Estainville
such a lovely girl
well I just hit the ceiling

I chased them all the way right out of the house
and they got into his Lancia and just roared away
then the phone rang in the middle of the night
they had been driving along the Lower Corniche
and, you know, Gianni had been doing cocaine and lots of drinking
and just smashed into a delivery truck
and everyone crawled away except for Gianni
and finally the police came along and took him to the hospital
and his jaw was broken and his right leg was crushed
it took him months to recover
months.

What's this?

DULLE GRIET
This is the bridge I was told about.

PAMELA
This is a rope bridge!

DULLE GRIET
I wasn't told it was a rope bridge.

SIGN MAN
Scene six. The rope bridge.


Scene 6

The Rope Bridge

DULLE GRIET
I was told: this is the short cut to Dresden
so the soldiers couldn't catch us.

PAMELA
But this is a rope bridge!

DULLE GRIET
I guess that's why the soldiers wouldn't think
we would come this way.

PAMELA
We can't push a truck across this bridge.

DULLE GRIET
No.

PAMELA
I can't carry the Pergamon Altar piece across a rope bridge!!!
This is what they call German technology???

[Silence.]

DULLE GRIET
We don't have maybe all the latest things.
But we're not bad people, all of us.

PAMELA [apologetically]
Of course not.
Of course not.

[silence;
Dulle Griet gives the baby to Pamela
and goes to get a ladder from the truck,
which she then positions so they can go up to the bridge]

Of course, once I had Gianni in traction
I thought I'd never lose him.
I did things to him while he was hanging suspended in the air
that I don't suppose he was ever able to forget.
Some of them he deserved.
Some of them he enjoyed.
Then, too, I sang for him.
I danced for him.
I gave him everything I had.
But do you think he married me when he got out of traction?
He did not.
And do you know why?
Because I wasn't Catholic!
My God,
I'd have become a Catholic
if that's all he wanted.

[silence]

Nonetheless,
if the soldiers are coming
we need to make the best of it.

[giving the baby back to Dulle Griet]

Can you manage with the baby?
Dulle Griet?

DULLE GRIET
I feel his heart beating!
[silence]
Like a song.
[silence]
Oh, don't you think it's wonderful
how many beautiful songs you've heard
that come from all over the world
choirs of all kinds
the worker in the field
piano virtuosos,
orchestras,
the voice of God, they say, is a hummingbird,
or an orange blossom,
or the pearl-rose of India,
the beautiful blue Danube,
the white flowers this baby planted without thinking in my heart.

[silence]

PAMELA
I guess you've come to love this baby,
haven't you, Dulle Griet?

DULLE GRIET
Yes.

PAMELA
I see the way he listens to you so sweetly
to the stories that you tell him
I've come to love him, too.

[silence]

Well, we'd better keep on moving
so those soldiers don't catch up with us.
Come along,
I'll lead the way
and test the bridge to make sure it's safe for you and the baby.

[Pamela starts out across the rope bridge, followed by Dulle Griet with the baby.]

Oh.
This is a little scary.
A little scary.
But I think you can do it.
Come along.

[As they cross the bridge, Pamela talks.]

The truth is, Dulle Griet,
in a way I think
thank god for this abyss
and this little bridge
because you know
as I think back on it now
I don't think I've ever risked my life for another human being
I've never known if I would or if I could
put my life on the line
for someone I love or care about
and I've always thought: what kind of a wet fish are you
that you don't just jump in the water
and, you know, without thinking about it,
just give yourself to another person
or find that you already have given yourself
before you even thought about it
because you can't help yourself
because you have a heart
and it just went out to someone all by itself
the way it did to Warren, really,
but I never put my life on the line for him
I never even just said, well, you know,
I go for you, I'm yours, with no conditions
and now
I'm putting my life on the line for this baby
and
I feel good about it
my heart's gone out
and I see, this is how it is to love another person
and the truth is,
I would throw myself off this rope bridge
if I had to
if it came to that
to save this child
because I think
goddammit
I'm never going to do again
what I did
when I left my little boy in that train station
because I loved him, too,
and this time goddammit I am going to take care of another human being

[Fireworks go off in the sky.]

Oh, look. Fireworks.
It must be a holiday.

[Dulle Griet thinks.}

DULLE GRIET
Or else someone is blowing up an ammunition dump.

PAMELA
Whoever in the world would want to do that?
I think it must be a garden party.
Come along, Dulle Griet.
We don't want to miss the fun.

[As they exit, the fireworks continue.

The soldiers enter.]

HERMANN
Hey! Hey!
I found a truck!

WERNER
A truck. Right.
These women were traveling in a truck.

HERMANN
So, they got here, and then
they had to abandon the truck
to get across the rope bridge.

WERNER
Right.
Across the rope bridge.
They climbed up this ladder then across the rope bridge
because they thought we would be too afraid to follow.

[silence]

HERMANN
Right.

WERNER
These devious women
thought we men
would be too afraid to follow them
all the way up there.

[they both peer down into the abyss under the rope bridge
silence]

to risk our souls

[letting their gaze drift out into the audience that occupies the abyss]

by falling into the yawning abyss below
that pit of darkness
that place of eternal fitful sleep
from which no traveler returns altogether intact

that shadowy void just beyond the edge of the stage of human comedy

that chasm of idle dreams
where so often the soul is afflicted
in turn by
the sense of the unending drift of time
of minutes that pass like hours
hours like days
creeps on this petty pace
until the mind can encompass nothing more
save the constant thought
of the aching back
and the numbed butt

while the faltering attention
drifts to the bitter memory of having had to leave the dinner table
without time to finish a cup of coffee
coffee one had hoped might at the very least have cleared away
the lingering effects of the cocktail
(or the cocktails)
before dinner--
or of the after-dinner
belt
of whisky

and finally
the mind can focus on nothing more
than the urgent desire
to get to some place to urinate!

and so at last
in this frame of mind comes
the frantic, unbalanced exercise of
grim Judgment
the merciless spirit of censure
the proclivity toward righteous outrage
and the unreasoning urge to dash into the streets
yelling flop! flop!
nothing but endless stocks of horse
flop!

No.

[regaining his superior composure]

We will have to stay on our guard, Hermann,
remember our training,
to cross over this bridge
and not fall into this abyss
with these poor lost souls.

HERMANN
Right.

WERNER
Come on.
[silence]

HERMAN
We're going to cross the bridge?

WERNER
Yes, Hermann, we are going to cross this bridge
and catch these women!

HERMANN
I don't think I can cross that bridge.

WERNER
Of course you can, Hermann.
So come along.
I'll let you go first so I'm not out there jiggling it
while you're trying to get across.
Here we go.

HERMANN
I'm not sure about this, Werner.

WERNER
Those women might have been afraid to cross, Hermann,
but you
[spoken as an order]
are not afraid!
Let's go.

HERMANN
I'm going, Werner, I'm going.

WERNER
Well, don't stop.

HERMANN
It's a little jiggly, Werner.

WERNER
Steady on, Hermann. Steady on.

[halfway across the bridge]

Steady on. Steady on.

HERMANN
Werner! Werner! Could we just take a little intermission here?

WERNER
As soon as you get to the other side, Hermann!

HERMANN
Werner. Confidentially,
suddenly I have an urgent need for an intermission.

WERNER
In just a minute, Hermann, just a minute.

HERMANN
Werner, I've gotten a little frightened,
and now I think I myself have to go to the men's room.

[he starts to let his pants fall down around his ankles]

WERNER
Not yet, Hermann!

HERMANN
I can't wait, Werner.

WERNER
Not yet!
Hermann!!

HERMANN
There's nothing I can do!

WERNER
Not yet! Not yet, Hermann!!!
Hold on,
we're going to make it, we're going to make it,
I'll tell you what:
we'll sing a song to calm your nerves.
Do you want to sing a song?

HERMANN
Yes.

WERNER
Do you know the song YMCA?

HERMANN
Yes. I know that.

WERNER
Okay. Sing it with me now, Hermann.
Are you ready?
[singing]
Y-M-C-A!

Don't, Hermann, don't!
Don't make the letters with your hands.
Just hold onto the bridge!

HERMANN
Right. Right. Okay.

Werner and Hermann sing YMCA
as they cross to the other side;
music comes up to continue playing YMCA
and the house lights come on
and the audience dances up the aisles singing YMCA.



Intermission



Scene 7

In the Suburbs Of Dresden

SIGN MAN
Scene 7. In the Suburbs of Dresden.

[The interior of a house in East Germany, near Dresden. The room is dark. We see the backs of two easy chairs. The TV faces us. It is a home improvement show. This house is leaking, peeling the plaster is falling off the walls. The man and woman in the easy chairs are drinking beers. He is in his undershirt, unpressed trousers with suspenders, old slippers, unshaven, hair uncombed, bleary eyed. She is in a negligee, her hair in curlers, a green mud pack on her face, slippers with fluffy bunnies on the toes. This is more or less a one-room house, so there is also an unmade bed, a dresser with lots and lots and lots of cosmetics (in poverty, the wife is a fashion plate). There is a kitchen table with unwashed plates, remains of former meals. Buckets catch the dripping water from the ceiling.

A video is playing in the background.]

Good evening and welcome to "This Perfect House." The beauty of any wall begins with its smooth and silky flatness and perfect walls, like any work of art, require a suitable frame. Moldings will articulate their size and shape.

Moldings do more than add period character. They can also hide flaws and balance misproportions--tricking the eye into reading space differently. Moldings add depth and elegance to a room. They also accent its best features.

There are scores of ways to use molding to enhance a room. Mount crown or cove moldings at ceiling lines, put chair rails and picture moldings or other trims at soffit height or midwall. Dress up cabinets--as in this picture by adding fluted edge molding to the shelves.

What you'll need to add the beauty of molding to your home:
Moldings, of course
(remember to measure each piece and buy a variety of lengths)
3d or 4d finishing nails
construction adhesive
and silicone caulk

As for tools:
tape measure
pencil
chalk line
power mitar box
sanding block
studfinder (whoa, I've got one right now)
hammer and nail set or electric nailer

[There is a pounding on the door.]

DULLE GRIET'S VOICE [FROM OFF]
Hello.
Helmut!
Ursula!
Hello.
It's Dulle Griet!
Hello!

[Helmut turns off the television with the remote.
They sit and listen.]

Helmut!
Ursula!
Hey!
It's your sister Dulle Griet,
let me in, Helmut,
come on!
I let you in when you came to Berlin!
Helmut!

HELMUT
Okay!
Okay!
Quiet down!
I'm coming!

[He doesn't move.
After a few moments, she calls out again.]

DULLE GRIET
Helmut!

URSULA
Would you get the fucking door?

HELMUT [yelling at Dulle Griet]
Okay, I said I'm coming!

[He takes a last swig of beer,
gets to his feet.
He shuffles slowly toward the door.]

DULLE GRIET
Helmut!

HELMUT [yelling]
I'm coming, goddammit!
I said I was goddam coming,
and I'm goddam coming!

[He opens the door.]

DULLE GRIET
Hi, Helmut.

HELMUT
Jesus God Almighty, you are impatient!

DULLE GRIET
May we come in?

HELMUT
Who is this?

DULLE GRIET
This is my friend Pamela.
Pamela, this is my brother Helmut.

PAMELA
How do you do?

DULLE GRIET
We need a place to stay, Helmut.

HELMUT
Are the police after you?

DULLE GRIET
Yes, but it's not what you think.

HELMUT
We don't want any trouble here, Dulle Griet.
We have a certain, you know,
life that we live here.

DULLE GRIET
I know, Helmut, I know.

HELMUT [to Pamela]
She always was a trouble-maker.

DULLE GRIET
I haven't done anything, Helmut.
I am getting to be a practical person.
I am getting with the program, Helmut.

HELMUT
Isn't that just what you'd say?
I don't guess the police are after you for doing nothing.
What is this, a baby?

DULLE GRIET
Yes.

HELMUT
You have a baby?

DULLE GRIET
It's not mine, really,
I'm just taking care of it.

HELMUT
You want me to let you in
and you start out by lying to me right away about the baby?

DULLE GRIET
Yes, it's my baby.

HELMUT
Where is the father?

DULLE GRIET
Well, the father has gone away
for a little while.

PAMELA
Do you think we might come in?

[Ursula, having heard Pamela's voice,
puts on her own best company manners.]

URSULA
Who is that, darling?

HELMUT
It's my sister and a friend.

URSULA
Let me see, Helmut!
Hello, Dulle Griet.

DULLE GRIET
Hello, Ursula.

URSULA
Who is this person you've brought with you?

DULLE GRIET
This is my friend Pamela.

PAMELA
How do you do?
Pamela Dalrymple.
From New York.

URSULA
Oh, from New York.
How do you do?
I'm Ursula Grohmann from Leipzig.
Please, won't you come in?

[She elbows Helmut out of the way.]

How delightful to have a visitor from America.
It's not something that happens every day for us!

[She laughs the hostess laugh.]

You'll have to excuse us.
We've been entertaining all day
and haven't had the opportunity to tidy up.
Sometimes I think, we never stop!

HELMUT
We should.

URSULA
And yet we don't.
I love people
there it is
there's nothing one can do about it!
But here, please,
put down your things. Have a seat.
May I give you a cup of tea
or some schnapps?

PAMELA
No, thank you,
we're quite all right.

URSULA
A little beer for the baby to quiet it down?

HELMUT
Is the baby fussing?

DULLE GRIET
No.

HELMUT
Then I don't think it needs a beer.

PAMELA
This is such a lovely home.

[As she launches into this,
we see no one believes her,
and the others are frankly dumbfounded
by her ability to lie.]

You know, I've had the good fortune
to stay in many lovely homes.
I remember when I stayed with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor
what a perfectly delightful home they had
the quartet of 18th century George II saltcellars
that had once belonged
the Duke of Cumberland
the one the Scots called the Butcher of Culloden
and there was just a classic simplicity about everything.
And yet
I've never been in a home lovelier than this
because of course what really matters finally
is the warmth and hominess of a home.

[Silence.
Ursula moves one of the buckets to catch the leaks from the ceiling.]

URSULA
We're very pleased
to have the opportunity of having you with us in our home.

HELMUT
Whose baby is it?

PAMELA AND DULLE GRIET SIMULTANEOUSLY
It's my baby.

[Pamela laughs.]

PAMELA
We both think of it as our own.
Dulle Griet takes care of it
but actually it's mine
I mean I was the one left holding him,
and since I've come to know the baby
I'm actually getting to like him,
well really even love him quite a lot.

HELMUT
Where is the father?

PAMELA
Oh. The father is dead--
or maybe just in jail.

HELMUT
The father is in jail!!!
And you bring this child into my house?

PAMELA
The father is Erich Honecker,
I think by now he may be dead.

HELMUT
Erich Honecker,
the Secretary General of the Party?

PAMELA
Yes, that's the one.

HELMUT
You had sex with Erich Honecker?

PAMELA
Oh, dear, no,
we saved the child
the mother left it behind
it was going to be arrested
and taken away with the Secretary General
and we thought it was much too young to go to jail
so we brought it with us
but now of course
everyone is making such a fuss
soldiers are chasing after us
they say they want the child back
now they want the child
whereas just a day ago
or was it the day before yesterday?
no one even wanted to hold it
while his mother changed her clothes.

HELMUT
Well, if you want to stay here,
you'll need to have a father for the child.

[smacks himself in the head with his hand]

I have a father just next door
you could marry him
and then there would be no questions asked.

PAMELA
I don't think I'm going to be getting married
to the father next door.

HELMUT
Frankly,
if you want this child to be safe
you don't want a lot of questions asked.
You don't want to have to say:
"well, it's really not my child
it's Erich Honecker's
and I took it when his mother was changing her clothes."
What you want to say is:
my husband is the father.
And that will shut up the idle curious on the spot.

URSULA
Helmut is right.
You'll be wanting a husband if you have a baby.

PAMELA
Who is this next door neighbor?

HELMUT
He's an automotive mechanic.
Well, not a mechanic really.

URSULA
No.

HELMUT
They let him change the tires.

URSULA
change the tires.

HELMUT
He's not--
well: able--

URSULA
No.

HELMUT
to learn to do much else.

URSULA
much else.

HELMUT
But he's a sweet fellow.

URSULA
sweet fellow

HELMUT
Doesn't talk too much.

URSULA
talk too much

HELMUT
Won't give you any trouble.

URSULA
give you any trouble

HELMUT
You won't need to share a bed with him
because I don't think he knows how to--
well....

URSULA
We needn't get too personal.
You'll be quite safe.

HELMUT
It's a good match.
Any woman would be lucky to have him.

URSULA
lucky to have him

HELMUT
And he's handy, too, around the house.

URSULA
around the house.

PAMELA
What do you think, Dulle Griet?

DULLE GRIET
Well, if it's absolutely necessary....

PAMELA
I can see the reason in it.
And, since you can be the mother as well as I,
there seems to be no impediment your marrying him.

DULLE GRIET
I should marry the mechanic?

PAMELA
I see no other way.
It certainly does seem best for the baby.

DULLE GRIET
I thought you were going to put your life on the line, Pamela!

PAMELA
Yes! And I think I am,
in my own way.
I mean I don't think it's going to do anyone any good
for me to marry a perfect stranger.

HELMUT
I'll get the groom.

[He leaves.]

URSULA
I'll prepare the wedding feast.

[she leaves]

PAMELA
I think I'll just freshen up.

[she leaves]

URSULA [to Pamela as they are going out]
I just love the way you've done your hair
It's so
radiant.

DULLE GRIET [to the baby]
Sometimes in life we think
we don't have a choice
or if we do
we just go along
passively
victims
subject to the plans of others
not living our own lives
doing as we're told
living out the lives others have planned for us
I think:
this is how it seems to me now
you can see how I am pushed around
bullied
by my brother and by Pamela
I wonder
is this the sort of person I am?
is this how I have been all my life?
I could say:
fuck you!
You marry the fucking mechanic if you want to,
I'm out of here!
But, the truth is,
this is what I want to do.
I choose you.
I choose you.
You are going to be my baby.
I am going to care for you
like no one ever has been cared for before.
I am going to love you.
I am going to give you everything I have.
You may say:
oh, I see,
you are just going to make up for your own lost life
when no one cared for you,
but no, this is not true.
I had a mother once
and she loved me so much

I remember how it's done.
I'm going to pass it on.
This is what I choose
in all the world.
No one can take me away from you.
You can count on me
forever.

[Helmut returns with the groom in tow.
The groom is big and stupid.
He is in his wedding outfit,
with trousers way too short in the legs,
a carnation in his lapel.]

HELMUT
Dulle Griet, this is your fiancée, Gunter.

DULLE GRIET
How do you do, Gunter?

GUNTER
Good.

DULLE GRIET
I understand you are a mechanic.

GUNTER
Yes.

DULLE GRIET
And that you live next door.

HELMUT
With his mother.

DULLE GRIET
With your mother.

GUNTER
Okay.

DULLE GRIET
Will your mother be coming to the wedding?

[Gunter looks uncertain.]

HELMUT
Yes. She is getting ready now.

DULLE GRIET
It is odd to meet like this,
but I suppose that arranged marriages
have just as good a chance of happiness as any kind.

GUNTER
Okay.

HELMUT
We can have the wedding now,
and afterwards,
the wedding party in the basement.

DULLE GRIET
Shall we go?

GUNTER [smiling]
Okay.

[She puts her hand on his arm,
they turn upstage and go through the door.

The stage revolves--
as we hear either
Clarke's Trumpet Voluntary
or Marc-Antoine Charpentier's Prelude to Te Deum
or Wagner's Wedding March from Lohengrin
--and we are at the wedding feast.
It looks like Breugel's painting of the wedding feast:
everyone at one long table, like the Last Supper;
Dulle Griet and Gunter are at the center on the long side of the table,
facing forward;
Gunter, drunk, sits smiling stupidly.
Dulle Griet wears a white bridal veil.
Already someone has passed out and slumps forward over the table.
No one's fancy clothes fit; they are all borrowed.
Pamela is holding the baby.
Pamela, who pours something from a flask into her teacup at some point
is a little tipsy herself.]

PAMELA [talking to Gunter's drunk mother]
Our house had forty rooms;
and yet, even so, the only cozy room was the library,
so we spent all our time there.
When my friend Mary came home

[Gunter's drunk mother falls forward,
her face hitting the table with a thunk,
stopping Pamela's story dead.]

PAMELA
Oh, dear.

URSULA
I never thought I'd see the day
I'd be a wife and mother
some people plan ahead
but what's the point?
Life is going to happen
whether you plan it or not.

DRUNK HELMUT
[rising to offer toasts]
I would like to drink a toast.
To the bride and groom,
to their health,
to their baby,
and more babies to come

OTHER GUESTS
More babies!

URSULA [weeping]
May all their babies be as sweet as their first
and may they take many pictures,
many many pictures as their baby grows up
[sobbing]
My God, you can never have too many pictures.

OTHER GUESTS
And movies.
That's true.
Videos.
Home videos.

[one of the guests passes out]

URSULA
On a serious note....

OTHERS
No, no, no....

URSULA
Yes. Yes. On a serious note
I say, let us pray that we find a third way
neither communism nor capitalism
but a third way

[another guest passes out]

some middle ground
to get rich, like in the West
and to share like in the East
Because the choice that we are being given
this should not be our only choice.

[another guest passes out]

HELMUT
Bullshit
This is bullshit bullshit
in life you have to choose
one thing or another
do you think you can become partly pregnant?
Life is not like this.

URSULA
What do you know what life is like
you've never been out of the village you were born in
"we must choose"
"we must choose"
the truth is:
the world will choose for you

[another guest passes out]

HELMUT
Okay. You want a different world?
Go to Mars! Go to Mars!

URSULA
You mean you think it's OK
to go through all this
living like this for forty years
and settle for no better place than this?

DULLE GRIET
What do you know, you two
you've sat here talking behind closed doors all these years
talk and talk
and not even where anyone could hear you
but I
I went to Berlin
and do you know what this is?

[bang--she puts it down on the table--
the drunks all raising their heads for a moment
before they sink back down]

This is a piece of the Berlin Wall.

Look at that.
I helped to tear it down
and now the wall is gone
completely gone
and the whole world is different.
Don't let anyone tell you
you can't change the way things are.
It happens all the time.

PAMELA
I myself think anything is possible
You know
they always used to say of John Hay Whitney
Jock they called him:
for a fellow with only one yacht
he sure has had a lot of girls in a lot of ports.

[other guests have passed out]

For me, it's the same as decorating a room.
Flowers or pillows or photographs
can simply make a room spring to life.
And I've always felt,
you can transform a room so that when you walk into it
you feel at home
you feel you are in New York
but you can't help yourself exclaim:
oh, isn't this just like Paris?

[Ursula,
trying now to make up to Helmut
with a little seduction,
starts singing to him]

Ich mochte liebe von dir
Von dir und niemand doch ausser dir
Ich mochte lieve von dir allein pooh pooh be doo
Ich soll nichts mehr wollen
als dein Herz zu halten
Ich darf nicht mehr traumen
Ich Kuss nur mein lieb
Ich mochte liebe von dir
Von dir und niemand doch ausser dir
Ich mochte lieve von dir allein

As they continue to dance,
we see the two soldiers rush frantically across the stage and exit;
then after a moment, they return,
look at the members of the wedding party.
Soldier 1 takes out a notebook and consults it.
All the wedding guests are passed out
except for Pamela, Dulle Griet, Ursula, and Helmut.]

WERNER
So, a wedding party, I see.

HERMANN
Someone must have gotten married.

WERNER
Right.
And I am thinking:
this bride looks familiar to me.

HERMANN
She does?

WERNER
And this must be the baby.


DULLE GRIET
This is not the baby.

WERNER
This is not what baby?

DULLE GRIET
This is not the baby you're looking for.

WERNER
How do you know what baby we a re looking for?

PAMELA
This baby belongs to this young woman
and this father here.

(she gestures to Gunter, passed out under the table)

WERNER
Ah-ha! You again!
Would I happen to have the pleasure of addressing...

(consulting his notebook)

Pamela Dalrymple?

(consulting notebook again)

From Park Avenue, Los Angeles, New York?

PAMELA
In a way, yes.
And you are...?

WERNER
Leftenant Werner Heine.

PAMELA
I think, Leftenant Heine, that you are making a mistake.
You know,
Mr. Modrow is a personal friend of mine.

WERNER
Hans Modrow?

PAMELA
Hans Modrow.
Yes. The Prime Minister of the, you know, whatever it is.
Hans Modrow is a personal friend of mine.

WERNER
Well, Modrow is out.
It's Gregor Gysi who's in charge of things now.

PAMELA
Gregor Gysi?
Who is Gregor Gysi?
We never get the news.
Doesn't anyone ever just send a card any more?

WERNER
Now, I think you'll both have to come with us.

DULLE GRIET
I can't leave my husband and my baby.

WERNER
Your baby needs to come with us, too.
As for your husband,
I guess he's not going anywhere.

[Warren enters, drinking a Coke and eating a hamburger.]

WARREN
Excuse me?

WERNER
Hello?

WARREN
I beg your pardon.
I was looking for your local investment club.
I was told they might be meeting here.

PAMELA
Warren!

WARREN
Pamela!
So this is your baby.

PAMELA
No, I'm only...
[she looks at the soldiers]
Or, what I mean is: yes!
This is my baby.
And I am an American
with, you know, certain rights
and also an American Embassy!

WARREN
I knew that, Pamela.

PAMELA
Oh, Warren,
how can I ever explain?


WARREN
You don't need to explain anything to me, Pamela.
After all,
you needn't feel you have any obligation towards me.

PAMELA
I want to feel an obligation towards you, Warren.

WARREN
Oh...
Well...
In that case,
perhaps you will.

PAMELA
To tell the truth, I do already.

WARREN
I do, too, towards you.
Even though, to be perfectly frank,
I don't even know quite how we met,
or how we came to know one another,
or just what our relationship is now.

PAMELA
Oh, neither do I, Warren!
Isn't that just the way with love?
You don't know how it all began
or where it will take you--
you just take the risk
jump off the high dive
and scream!

WARREN
I'll tell you the truth, Pamela.
I've never known anyone like you.
I thought so the first moment I saw you
on the golf course at Chevy Chase
when you had lost your ball
and we looked for it together in the ravine
do you remember?

PAMELA
Of course I do.

WARREN
I thought then: the way you just
plunge into life
not knowing what might happen
right away I thought:
what a brave person
and I thought:
I could go anywhere in the world with you and I have to say,
being a sort of straight person myself
I love the way nothing embarrasses you
even maybe when it should
the way you go off half-cocked
when I'm still standing there
waiting to get fully cocked
you make things happen
I had this fantasy:
we were lying together on the beach
and I looked down at our feet
my feet had on a pair of brown loafers
perfectly polished
not a grain of sand on them;
your feet were covered with sand and seaweed and seashells
and what looked like a sandwich left over from lunch
I thought:
I'd follow wherever those feet would go
I thought: you'd take me into life
places I've never been before
I'd like to go with you.
I look at you, I think:
you're hot.

PAMELA
Oh, Warren, you're such a good person.
I'm afraid I have to confess:
I lost my ball on purpose.

WARREN
Well, I figured that.
I loved that about you.
You know what, Pamela:
you just make me want to tap dance.

WERNER
OK OK
[with immense perverse pleasure]
I'm sorry to spoil the party
but we need to take these ladies back to Berlin for trial.

WARREN
Trial?
What have you witnessed, Pamela?

PAMELA
Oh, Warren,
it turns out I'm a suspected perpetrator.

WARREN
Really?
Whatever for?

PAMELA
Kidnapping.

[everyone looks at the baby]

WARREN [looking at the baby]
Well, I'm sure you're innocent, Pamela.
[to the soldiers]
You can be sure she'll have a very good explanation.
But, by all means, let's get this cleared up.
We can all take my car back to Berlin.

WERNER (stalwartly)
I have to admit
we already took possession of your car.

PAMELA
Excuse me, but
how are you going to have a trial?
You don't have a government.
You don't have a court.
You don't have a judge.

WERNER
Oh, yes, we have a government, a provisional government,
and we do have a judge.
And just as soon as we get back to Berlin
Hermann and I are going to pick up the judge.

PAMELA
Pick up the judge?
And where are you going to find a judge?

WERNER
Well, right now he's in jail.
Our job is to deliver you to Berlin
and bring the judge to the trial.
So come along, folks.
Let's be on our way.

DULLE GRIET
Come, sweet,
we'll go for a ride in a big shiny car.

HERMANN
Do you have the keys, Werner?

WERNER
You took the keys, Hermann.

PAMELA
Come on, then, Dulle Griet.

WERNER
Did you leave the keys in the car, Hermann?


HERMANN
I think I did, Werner.
I think they're in the car.

WARREN
Excuse me!
Do you think you might let my driver out of the trunk?

WERNER
Yes, sir! Right away.
Come on, Hermann,
before some idiot steals the car.

PAMELA
I'll just take a little something for the road.


[as she takes some things from the wedding table for car snacks]

URSULA
Wait. Wait.
Hey, wait! No, wait!

[They are gone.
The wedding guests remain.
Gunter rises from under the table.]

GUNTER
Where....
Where is everyone?

HELMUT
They're gone for a ride
in a car,
Gunter.

GUNTER
A car.
Good.

[he sinks back down to the ground]

HELMUT
I am going to propose a toast to you, Gunter.
To Gunter.
To the man himself.
Because
fundamentally
Mann ist mann.
Humanity!
It's all we've got to work with.
And this is no time to quit!

URSULA [begins, with rest of wedding guests waking up and joining in]
Aus dem tiefen raume
Aus der erdegrund
Hebt sich wie im traume
Dein verliebte mund

Wenn sich die spaten nebel drehen
Wir wird bei der laterne stehen
Mit der Lilli Marlene
Mit der Lilli Marlene


Scene 8

Ich Bin Ein Berliner

(Muller sits alone on a wooden chair at a wooden table,
a single naked bulb over his head.
He is still sweating, covered with vomit.)

SIGN MAN
Scene eight. Ich Bin Ein Berliner.

MULLER
SO?
What am I doing here?
What did I do wrong?
What did I do,
that I should be singled out,
that I should be the one in jail?

You could say,
where were you
you know
all those years.
While you know things were not so good.
Objected
in a way
putting on the odd play or two
whatever the point of that was
the voice of conscience
that knows just how far to go
but not too far

No. True enough.
No one had to shut me down!
They could count on me
to be brave seeming
right thinking
timid.
In short:
a pillar of the state.

I mean one could say
what is an artist anyhow
in essence
if not a supporter of the status quo
since it would be hard to argue that a work of art can change history
and therefore, ipso facto
a work of art is an exercise in accepting things as they are
which is, in and of itself
a way of supporting the status quo.

You have all these artists who like to say of themselves
well, I am changing the world
and if they like to say it
there is no harm in it
except that it's not true
and it gets an artist in the habit of lying
and expecting his lies to be accepted
so that, when his lies are not accepted
he is in a snit

Or not, or not
it may be that a work of art contributes
to the common discourse of the culture
and so, in some modest way,
supports or undermines the status quo
but really so what?
I mean if you really care
whether this fellow on th