60 MINUTES SPECIAL REPORT: The Demise of Stupid People's Court
From moriarty Tue Jan 6 08:28:54 1987
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on Tue, 6 Jan 87 08:28:43 pst
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 87 08:28:43 pst
From: moriarty
To: moriarty
Subject: 60 MINUTES SPECIAL REPORT: The Demise of Stupid People's Court
Status: R
[Dum-Diddle-Lum-Diddle-Lum-Diddle-Lum-BONANZA!]
[SCENE: A living room, done in Miami Vice pastels; the overcast weather
outside leaves a rather grayish tint over the assembled tokens of
American style. In the center of the room (and our field of vision)
is a large 25-inch color TV set, encased in a stereo cabinet and
having a variety of buttons adorning it.]
[CLOSE-UP:
The TV screen takes up almost all of our field of vision. A click
is heard, and various multicolored waves sparkle, die and explode on
the gun-metal gray surface. The screen fades and coalesces into the
end of a commercial featuring a pit bull chewing the leg off of
Vanna White while she gaily explains how all dogs love the taste of
GooGum Whoopies. The screen fades, and a quick blurb for a banal
local talk-host is flashed on the screen, quickly replaced by a
ticking stopwatch over a black background. A "60 MINUTES" logo is
in the upper left-hand corner.]
[FLASH-CHANGE:
The ticking sound and stopwatch are replaced by the scene of an
empty, dusty courtroom. The dim natural lighting makes the scene
appear to be shot in black & white. The neglect and barren
appearance of the courtroom give the impression that it has been
deserted for quite a while.]
MORLEY SAFER [Voice-Over]:
For three years, it was "The Court of Last Resort"; a haven for
underdogs, social outcasts, and those harried by the cultural
bullies of America. It was an Apocalyptic place of judgement for
others: the excessively obnoxious, the overly mercenary, and the
"malignant Ignorant", as its founder and chief barrister was often
to comment. And finally, it was something of an asylum, a play-pen
for the reality-twisting abilities of Judge Moriarty Wapner, whose
wild and unkept fantasies were brought to life, bringing solace to
the beleaguered and retribution to idiots.
It was Stupid People's Court; it is no longer in session; and no one
knows why.
[SCENE CHANGE: MORLEY SAFER, seated with ticking watch in background again]
SAFER: I'm Morley Safer.
[SCENE CHANGE: ED BRADLEY, seated]
BRADLEY:
I'm Ed Bradley.
[SCENE CHANGE: Empty studio chair with name "DIANE" on backrest]
WOMAN'S VOICE [offstage]:
HEY! WHO LET THIS PENGUIN INTO MY DRESSING ROOM? HE'S NUZZLING ME!
[SCENE CHANGE:
MIKE WALLACE, seated. Behind him is a picture of a gigantic rubber
gavel with a black question mark super-imposed over it]
WALLACE:
I'm Mike Wallace, and this is 60 Minutes. Tonight's special edition
is devoted entirely to the mysterious disappearance of Judge
Moriarty Wapner and the inactivity of Stupid People's Court over the
last year.
[CLOSE-UP of WALLACE]
In some ways, the origins of Stupid People's Court (or SPC, as it is
commonly called) are as mysterious as it appearance. Word of it
first spread through the legal community in early 1984, but it was
not until September of that year that the court precedings were
first released to the outside world. The outlet was through the
"news" section of a world-wide computer network named USENET; while
USENET's restricted access limited the audience, and kept the
details of the SPC proceedings from the public for some time, it was
eventually noticed by the national and foreign media.
[SCENE CHANGE to BRADLEY in 60 Minutes studio chair]
BRADLEY:
Still, no one really knows who Judge Moriarty Wapner was; and little
is known of the founding of SPC. No records exist in any
institution of it's funding or financial records; and exhaustive
searches through the various legal professional associations have
turned up no references to any Wapners, except for one obscure TV
game show host.
However, there is one other man besides Wapner associated with
Stupid People's Court, whose memories give us tantalizing glimpses
of the enigmatic barister.
[SCENE CHANGE: To the Stupid People's Courtroom. At the entrance to the
deserted courtroom, a older, slightly obese man who has an amazing
resemblance to the actor portraying Frank James in the "Bartles &
James" ads wanders around the empty courtroom, gazing about in either
reflection or boredom.]
His name is Howard "Red" Farber, and for three years he has been the
bailiff for the court, witnessed the organized insanity of almost
every case, and on occasion has become a reluctant participant.
Judge Moriarty Wapner depended on him to take the convicted to their
place of punishment, and to keep some level of order to his court.
[SCENE CHANGE: Still the SPC courtroom, but now RED is seated in a gallery
bench, while BRADLEY sits next to him, holding a microphone towards
the calm, quiet bailiff.]
BRADLEY:
Mr. Farber...
RED [Smiling gently]:
Red, please. Everyone calls me Red.
BRADLEY [smiles]:
Red, then. Red, how did you become the bailiff for Stupid People's
Court?
RED [leans back and looks at ceiling]:
Well, there wasn't much too it. I'd been laid off as a night
watchmen at the Orville Redinbacher popcorn plant -- when it was
bought up by Beatrice -- and I was pagin' through the want ads a few
days later. One ad caught my eye -- said they were lookin' for a
bailiff who could deal with, [squints] lemme see, "Unusual situations
and desperate morons." Also said I needed to stay calm "in the face
of bizarreness."
[Pauses, pulls out a stick of gum, offers one to BRADLEY (who shakes
his head no), and pops it in his mouth].
Well, I figured this was the job for me, seein' as I had had a lot
of bizarre experiences at the Redinbacher plant -- Orville's always
runnin' around in women's clothing, yellin' "Rhett! Rhett!" -- so I
headed to this place here. [points to the courtroom doors] Walked
right up the doors there, and stepped in -- right into a mess, as
usual.
BRADLEY:
The Judge was on the bench?
RED:
Oh, sure, but he was lookin' kinda desperate -- had three of them TV
preachers before him, bangin' on the front of the his bench. Well,
sir, I been raised to respect the law, and these holy men didn't
look none to holy to me, frothin' at the mouth and usin' words I'd
never say in the presence of sailors. So I picked up all three of
them and tossed 'em out the door. Seemed to impress MW quite a bit,
it did.
BRADLEY:
And he hired you on the basis of your initial encounter?
RED:
That, and I knew all the words to the "F-Troop" theme.
BRADLEY:
What did he look like in those days?
RED:
Pretty much the same as in the pictures today...
[SCENE CHANGE: picture of a rather normal young man, grinning
beneath a close-cut brown beard and with lanky, uncombed hair. It
is a waist-up shot, and the clothes are obscured by the black
judicial robe that he is wearing. The only adornment he wears is a
button with the words "DANGER is my BUSINESS" written on them.]
RED [Voice-Over]:
He was never much of a dresser, even before he grew the beard --
shammy shirts, levis, sweatshirts, and all those brown Sears tennis
shoes. Real relaxed style -- that's why I enjoyed workin' for him.
BRADLEY:
Couldn't have been an easy man to work for...
RED:
Well, he was no problem, but some of the people he brought in... and
his sentences were pretty unusual. When I first got there, he was
tryin' a lot of the net-folk for flamin', or for wimpy flamin', or
for using something called "net bandwidth" or somethin' -- never
could figure out what that was.
BRADLEY:
Were his verdicts less... strange... than those that came later, and
were more widely publicized?
RED:
No, he always handed out pretty weird punishments. Like takin'
several English Majors who'd been complainin' about spelling on the
net, and lockin' up with Leon Spinks. Or when he took a man who'd
posted to 57 newsgroups about a TV set he was selling, and made him
read five years worth of net.singles. Phew! Nasty stuff...
BRADLEY:
And then there was the rubber gavel...
RED:
Gavels. He had 'em in all sizes -- small as a pencil, big as a
grand piano. He could toss his normal-sized one across a room and
hit someone square on the noggin. Liked to use it, too.
BRADLEY:
Red, of all his associates we know of, you knew him best. Did you
ever find out where he came from?
RED [shakes head slowly]:
No, sir. Always figured he was some kinda computer jockey, with the
net and all; and he read an awful lotta funny books. But he never
mentioned it where he was from, or how he did all his tricks.
[CLOSE-UP of RED]
For all I know, he'd been here forever...
[SCENE CHANGE to a black-and-white, rather grainy photograph of L.
Ron Hubbard, tied up and gagged, being carried out of the SPC
courtroom by several large green alien creatures wearing "Dianetics"
T-shirts]
SAFER [Voice-over]:
In early 1985, when Judge Wapner's cases began to be posted in the
USENET newsgroups (first net.flame, then the short-lived
net.bizarre), a change began to occur in the courts docket. Where
the cases tried in Stupid People's Court had before been contained
to members and matters of the Usenet community, the new cases began
to judge social and cultural causes that were prevalent in the US.
While TV clergymen and psychologists seemed to make up the bulk of
the defendants, people in the worlds of literature and entertainment
were also singled out for Judge Moriarty Wapner's unique brand of
justice. Frank Sinatra was labeled a "squealer" and handed over to
some of his aquaintences in the Mafia. L. Ron Hubbard was turned
over to aliens from outer space who had become converted
Scientologists.
And in what is, perhaps, the Stupid People's Court's most famous
case, various Saturday Morning Cartoon characters were tried and
found guilty of polluting the mind of small children. The sentence
followed Wapner's long-standing rule of "let the punishment fit the
crime": all of the offending characters were stuffed into a Masters
of the Universe lunch pail and run over with David Letterman's steam
roller.
[SCENE CHANGE -- a cabin in northern Minnesota. Seated on a couch
are a large, dense-looking moose and a flying squirrel with a WWI
flying ace's helmet and goggles on. Facing them is MIKE WALLACE.]
WALLACE:
So, I understand that you gentlemen instigated what has been called
"The Saturday Morning Massacre"?
BULLWINKLE:
Well, I wouldn't say we, uh, insta..., insti..., instuh...
ROCKY:
Instigated, Bullwinkle -- he means started.
BULLWINKLE:
Oh. Yeah, we did that.
ROCKY:
We thought cartoons weren't trying to entertain kids anymore;
instead, they were just trying to sell toys and stuff.
BULLWINKLE [with head up high]:
WE never did any a' that stuff on OUR show, Mr. Rather!
WALLACE [looking perturbed and intense]:
That's Wallace, Mr. Moose. Mike Wallace. And what about all those
boxes of Cheerios you sold when your show was on the air?
ROCKY: Well, SOMEONE had to pay the bills. At least it didn't have much
sugar...
BULLWINKLE:
Besides, I love Cheerios! It taste just like 3-week-old dry twigs
in the Minnesota forestland, Mr. Donaldson.
WALLACE [turning red]:
That's WALLACE, moose. Ace muckraker for 60 Minutes. Ever-vigilant
newsman. Sex symbol. Anyway, you took your case to Stupid People's
Court; what happened?
ROCKY:
Well, most folks I know read the transcripts, but the Judge and us
were attacked by a whole bunch of robots and Smurfs and He-Man
himself.
BULLWINKLE:
I think we'd have been goners fer shure if the Judge hadn't called
up that little sailor man with the big forearms.
WALLACE:
I understand that all these... creatures were destroyed in the
climatic battle scene.
ROCKY:
Yeah, most were stuffed in that lunch box, though I think He-Man got
away... he didn't look too good, though. His voice was real high,
and [begins to blush], well, he was holding, um, holding his...
BULLWINKLE [patting ROCKY on the shoulder]:
The boy's a little shy, Mr. Cronkite; what he's trying to say is
that He-Man kinda had both of his names, uh, invalidated.
ROCKY [smiling]:
Bullwinkle, that's terrific! That word had five syllables in it!
WALLACE [frothing at the mouth and completely ignoring everyone]:
WALLACE! WALLACE! I make millions of businessman wet their pants
every YEAR! I give heart attacks to CEO's when I show up at their
office! I made Richard Nixon's life a LIVING HELL!
BULLWINKLE [brightly]:
'Scuse me, but I think you're thinkin' of Dan Rather...
WALLACE [losing it]:
ARGGGGGHHHH!
[CUT TO: MORLEY SAFER in his 60 Minute's chair]:
SAFER:
But Wapner's metamorphosis from network hazer to cultural
stone-caster had by no means completed its path. By the later half
of 1985, Judge Moriarty Wapner had embroiled himself in several
mainstream political issues. It was no surprise to anyone, given
his dislike of TV preachers, that Jerry Falwell was the first such
celebrity to be placed on the Stupid People's Court's docket...
[CUT TO: DIANE SAWYER sitting in a oak-lined office, across from JERRY
FALWELL, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile]
[CLOSE-UP on SAWYER]
SAWYER: Rev. Falwell, is it true that in November of 1985 you were taken to
the place known as Stupid People's Court...
[WIDE-SHOT with both SAWYER and FALWELL]
FALWELL:
Well, Ma'am, I *went* there, but it t'weren't my idea. I was told
I'd been chosen to host QUEEN FOR A DAY and was given the SPC
address...
SAWYER:
Nevertheless, Rev., were you tried before Judge Moriarty Wapner?
FALWELL [smile fading to faintness]:
Well, not by any legal definition. Judge Wapner is hardly the arm
of the United States judicial system.
SAWYER:
But he did go through some semblance of a trial.
FALWELL [with pronounced distaste]:
Yah.
SAWYER:
And what was the decision that the Judge ruled upon you.
FALWELL [frowning]:
His tiny mind could not conceive of the good that I was trying to
bring to a sinful world, and he ruled incorrectly -- no doubt with
the hand of Satan guiding his gavel.
SAWYER [raising those huge eyebrows]:
He threw his gavel at you?
FALWELL [rubbing his jaw, as if massaging a soreness]:
Damn right.
SAWYER:
And what punishment did he assign to you, Rev. Falwell?
FALWELL [Cheshire Grin turned on, as if by a switch]:
Why, I'm afraid I can't remember, Miss...
SAWYER:
Ms.
FALWELL [grin slips a little as he pronounces word]:
...MS. Sawyer; it's been such a long time ago, and I've been so busy
doin' the work of the Lord, and aiding the Righteous.
SAWYER [checking notepad]:
Several eyewitnesses at the trial remembered... according to my no-
FALWELL [looking frantically around the room]:
'Scuse me, Ms. Sawyer, but I think I hear the Lord callin' me...
fraid I have to go...
SAWYER:
...according to my notepad, the Judge referred you to a "higher
authority"...
FALWELL [running around the room, talking to the ceiling]:
What's that, Lord? I left the iron on at home? I better get over
there right away and turn it off! Thanks for the info!
SAWYER:
... in short, he had you spend five minutes with Jesus Christ.
FALWELL [face falls; frenetic pace stalls; returns to his chair looking
downbeat]:
Well, he SAID it was Jesus Christ...
SAWYER [looking incredulous]:
Didn't Ch... didn't the person you talked to LOOK like Christ?
FALWELL [almost apologetically]:
The Judge said that Christ appears to people in a form they need Him
to appear in.
SAWYER:
So He didn't look like our classical image of Christ.
FALWELL [head down, voice low]:
No, ma'am.
SAWYER [somewhat breathlessly]:
Who DID He appear as?
FALWELL [his voice so low as to be almost non-existent]:
Sugar Ray Leonard.
SAWYER [Astonished]:
SUGAR RAY LEONARD?
FALWELL [rubbing jaw]:
Hit like him, too... [looks to a point behind Sawyer]
By the way, ma'am, I've been meaning to ask you about that penguin
behind you...
[SAWYER spins around, gags, and then looks straight at the camera]
SAWYER [Angry and belligerent]:
Breathed! Take your damn penguin out of here NOW!!!
VOICE [having the nasal, inoffensive tones of a flightless waterfowl]:
Oh, Diane, I lust for your ankles...
[CUT TO SAFER back in 60 Minutes studio]
SAFER:
The disappearance of Ed Meese over parts of January, 1986 was also
attributed to several encounters with the SPC, and CBS sources
indicate that these trials did not deal strictly with the
shenanigans Meese himself perpetrated. The last SPC case known to
any news sources occurred in April of 1986, and showed that Judge MW
had returned to cases of "cultural significance" to some extent.
While the case was a closed one -- not even transcripts were
released -- this videotape from an independent Asian news source is
thought to document the "punishment" meted out in this last Stupid
People's Court trial.
[CUT TO a grain videotape, showing what appears to be a jungle scene
somewhere in Asia. Dominating the right and middle portions of the
picture is a large bamboo cage, hung from overhanging branches, and
tightly held together with cloth. On the left side of the picture,
TWO ORIENTAL MEN in black pajamas and cloth headbands are observing
the contents of the cage, which appear to be CHUCK NORRIS and
SYLVESTER STALLONE. NORRIS is tied up in the right corner, with a
gag in his mouth and wearing the army fatigues he often appears in
during his various films. A large dark stain covers the crotch area
of his pants. STALLONE is wearing the sweat-stained T-shirt,
headband and fatigue pants of his Rambo role; but his eyes are large
and frantic, and his hands are shaking as he stares at the TWO MEN
standing outside the cage.]
FIRST MAN [turning to his companion]:
Time to show them "GODZILLA: 1986" again?
SECOND MAN [studying STALLONE]:
Think so...
STALLONE [looking directly at camera while futilely shaking the bars of his
prison cage]:
BRIDGETTE! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!
[CUT TO SAFER in 60 minutes studio]
SAFER: It was later discovered that this was not taken in the province of
Vietnam, but in a section of the new Tokyo Disneyland theme park.
[CUT TO: ED BRADLEY, standing once again in the empty chambers of Stupid
People's Court, before the Judge's bench.]
BRADLEY:
But there is where it ends. For that piece of videotape is the last
clue, the last remnant, that anyone has heard... of Judge Moriarty
Wapner.
[BRADLEY begins to walk across the dusty courtroom, and the camera follows
his echoing footsteps]
In late March of 1986, it came to the attention of the news media
that no cases had been publically tried in Stupid People's Court for
over two months. The transcripts of such cases had ended in
December of 1985; rather than posting the court records to a general
audience, they were mailed out to individuals on a "SPC Mailing
List", over the Usenet network, probably due to several pointed
comments the Judge had made about the quality of net.bizarre. An
NBC news crew arrived at the courtroom on April 2nd to discover it
neglected and abandoned... as it is today.
[CUT TO BRADLEY interviewing RED in the court]
BRADLEY:
Red, when did you last hear from him?
RED:
Well now, not since that Stallone/Norris thing in March. See, he'd
usually call me up when he needed me as bailiff, to clean the place
up and stuff... but ever since January -- of 1986 -- I hadn't heard
much from him. Real busy with something else, I figured. And right
after those two movie guys were carried off to Japan, well, he came
down and told me that he wouldn't need me to stop by and clean the
joint up every week. But he said that he'd keep me on retainer, and
I've been gettin' a check from his estate every week, just like
clockwork.
Well, the next thing I knew it was April, and all you TV newspeople
wanted to know where he'd gone. As if I knew. [shows some emotion]
By Jingo, if a man ain't got the right to take a vacation sometime,
we might as well be livin' in the You-Ess-Ess-Ahr.
BRADLEY [Surprised]:
He's on vacation?!
RED [subdued]:
Well, no sir, I don't know; but that's what I figured. [looks
pensive]. But he has been gone a long time, ain't he?
[CUT TO: SAFER in 60 Minutes studio]
SAFER:
Thus, we are left with no real clues as to the whereabouts of the
enigmatic barrister. He could be dead, or held hostage, or hiding;
no one really knows for sure. We asked several persons, mostly
journalists, but all either knowing him or having followed his
career, for their opinion of his current status.
[CUT TO small office crammed with paper, typewriter, awards, pictures of
famous people with signatures. GEORGE WILL is being questioned by
DIANE SAWYER]
SAWYER: How do you see Judge Moriarty Wapner?
WILL:
A salve on the consciousness of a decade. A lunatic vigilante with
an uneven mental pattern and, at best, a shakey understanding of
post-humanistic morality. Not so much a person as a cultural force
and media event, symbiotically associated. I believe Winston
Churchill best capsulized it in his description of Bugs Bunny: "One
Bad Mutha".
SAWYER:
And do you think he's dead?
WILL [staring blankly out into space]:
Naaaaaahhhh....
[CUT TO: A fashionable West L.A. beach house overlooking the Pacific.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG is being interviewed by MORLEY SAFER]
SAFER:
There are rumors that Judge Moriarty Wapner of Stupid People's Court
proposed marriage to you several times.
GOLDBERG:
Get serious.
SAFER:
Do you think he's alive?
GOLDBERG:
Look... nobody that crazy EVER dies.
[CUT TO: David Letterman behind desk on his TV program. DIANE SAWYER is
asking him questions from the guest seat.]
SAWYER:
Did Judge Moriarty Wapner ever appear on your show?
LETTERMAN [looking serious]:
He did once, back in 1985. But Paul was so impressed that he tried
to take Red's place as bailiff. [General audience laughter; LETTERMAN
grins]. Ha ha ha. No, just kidding; I actually own Paul. Ha ha
ha. [looks down behind DIANE's seat] Well! I see you brought a
penguin for Stupid Pet Tricks.
VOICE OFFSCREEN [again, nasal twang of flightless you-know-who]:
Still trying to get by on a rapidly failing boyish charm, eh,
Letterman?
LETTERMAN [grimacing]:
Give that @$#! bird out of here.
[CUT TO: book-filled study where BILL MOYERS is being interviewed by MIKE
WALLACE]
WALLACE:
You've followed this story over the last few years...
MOYERS:
No, no I haven't, really.
WALLACE [startled]:
Well... do you have any idea what happened to Judge MW?
MOYERS:
Really, Mike, who cares? This man doesn't represent the government,
or the people, or our culture, or anyone I can identify. He's a
one-man fringe group, but the media takes him to be some kind of
icon for the way the wind's blowing. In my opinion, he's nothing
in the Big Picture.
WALLACE [snidely]:
Which you have plenty of time to study now that you're back working
for the second-stringers, huh?
MOYERS:
Bite the big one, Mike.
[CUT TO: ED BRADLEY in the editor's office of PEOPLE magazine. BRADLEY is
speaking to EDITOR.]
BRADLEY:
Do you have any opinions on what happened to Judge Moriarty Wapner?
[Silence. EDITOR looks confused]
BRADLEY [slowly]:
You know... of Stupid People's Court?
EDITOR [blankly]:
Unhh... is he royalty?
[CUT TO: Cafe in San Francisco. DIANE SAWYER is interviewing SAM KINNISON,
a heavyset, long-haired man wearing a beret and a huge ugly jacket.
This is obviously one of those quiet, peaceful coffeehouses.]
SAWYER:
Sam, you knew Judge MW to talk to him; what do you think happened to
him.
KINNISON [looking attentive and thoughtful]:
Well, Diane, I didn't know him very well; but after a lot of thought
-- and I have been giving this a lot of thought -- I think...
[suddenly begins screaming]
THE NBC CENSORS GOT HIM! YAH! THAT'S RIGHT! THE GOD-DAMNED $%#@!
%$@!#$ NBC CENSORS! AND THEN THEY GRABBED HIM BY HIS %$@$%! AND
[picks up coffee table and flings in through nearby plate glass
window]
AND PUSHED HIM THROUGH A %$@! COOKIE PRESS!!
[Sits down again and composes himself]
At least, that's what *I* think.
[CUT TO: ED BRADLEY interviewing HENRY KISSINGER inside of a Cleveland
McDonald's]
KISSINGER:
Well, Ed, while many of my colleagues may be taking this matter
lightly, I can only see this as a sign of a Euro-African disapproval
of individualistic American policy.
BRADLEY:
Are you saying that you think this is the doing of some foreign
nationals?
KISSINGER:
I'm saying that if I were running the State Department, heads would
roll.
[Hand from offstage holds out a large McDonalds bag]
VOICE OFFSTAGE [female, enthusiastic]: Here's your order, Dr. Kissinger!
KISSINGER [clutching bag and walking offstage, his eyes glinting]:
Oh, boy, I chust love these Big Macs...
[CUT to SAFER at 60 Minutes studio. Stopwatch is in background again,
ticking away]
SAFER:
So, we end this program as we started it: with a mystery, an enigma
garbed in dark robes, clutching a rubber mallet. He may be dead; he
may be in exile. We may see him tomorrow, or we may never see him
again. But one thing is for sure: we will not soon forget Stupid
People's Court, or Judge Moriarty Wapner.
[Left camera view of SAFER. Picture of mailbox in background]
On our segment last week about women bodybuilders running for
Congress in the 8th Florida district, we received many letters like
this one [letter appears in the background, written in a rich
elegant manner]: "I thought that this episode showed the fighting
spirit of the American people in their fight against Albanian
terrorism. Bravo, 60 Minutes! Signed, Geraldo Rivera, Miami, FL."
But other viewers felt differently [letter appears in the background,
apparently written with crayons]: "Once again your weak-sister
approach has molly-coddled the people the US Constitution was set up
to kill. I hope all your kids burn up in a car crash. Signed, Fred
Mertz, The Ricardo Building, 1958". [SAFER smiles happily] And,
finally, one of those unique and all-encompassing points-of-view
[letter appears in background, where all the letters have been cut
out from a newspaper and pasted onto the stationary]: "Dear Diane,
Send us $60,000 or we release the penguin. And you know where he'll
go. Signed, M. B., Bloom County"
[Opposite profile of SAFER; background shows title called "A few
minutes with Andy Rooney"]
And now, a few observations from Andy Rooney.
[CUT TO: cluttered office with typewriter in foreground. To the left, we can
see a elderly, pugnacious Irishman tied up and hung over a coat-hook, a gag
in his mouth. In the center of the picture, behind the typewriter, is a
fadingly youthful man with a close-cut brown beard, wearing black judicial
robes and holding a rubber gavel in one hand. He is addressing the camera.]
JMW:
You know what really bothers me? Those plastic inflatable
Godzillas. You see them all over the country, in store fronts or
restaurants or gift stores or any other joint that wants to show
they're hip and with it and can tell the difference between Madonna
and Beverly Sills. Another thing that bothers me are people who
leave the TV on in the background when you're talking to them, even
though they're not watching and some tripe like "Love Connection" or
"People's Court" or "The Newlywed Game" is on. And, y'know, I think
the BIGGEST gripe I have is politicians and military people who lie,
and then a few days later tell another story and expect people to
believe it, just like that. And who stick me in the White House
basement for eight months.
[Begins slowly rapping gavel on desk]
People like that should be...
[his eyes begin to gleam, and the camera begins a slow zoom on his
face]
they should be...
[gavel begins pounding faster and faster]
taken, yeah, that's it, taken...
[picture is now only two maniacal eyes while the rapid beat of the
gavel resounds in the background]
taken, taken, taken to...
STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!
[Picture fades to black, except for the two glowing eyes]
Guess what, America? The Judge is back...
...and heaven help the idiots.
[FADE TO BLACK, as the stopwatch's TICK-TICK-TICK grows in the background]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
============================================================================
"You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the
Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
-- Rorschach (1985)
Judge Moriarty Wapner
Stupid People's Court
ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.EDU
UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, sb1, lbl-csam}!fluke!moriarty
DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
necessarily represent the views of my employers. They are
entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.