Time for another startling episode of: STUPID PEOPLE's COURT

From postnews Tue Aug  6 22:17:35 1985
Subject: Time for another startling episode of: STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT
Newsgroups: net.bizarre,net.flame
Distribution: net
Status: RO
[Fade-in on that monument to unreasoning censoring, The Stupid People's
 Court.  The courtroom is partially filled, populated by a fairly relaxed
 sub-strata of the population; the cool summer air has permeated the
 building, and most of the inhabitants have their feet propped up on the
 seats and are reading various form so literature: the latest Stephen King
 magnum opus, Dr. Ruth's five-volume text _People_I'd_Like_To_Have_Good_
 _Sex_With_, "Zot!", and two billion popular periodicals with Rock Hudson on
 the front.  While the breeze from the open window stirs his judicial robes
 (to reveal the faded jeans, brown tennis shoes and _The_Stunt_Man_ sweat
 shirt beneath them), Judge Wapner Moriarty is hard at work, preserving the
 status quo and making America Tolerant by getting rid of Jingo-Heads.
 Let's listen in!]
JUDGE MORIARTY (Looking into a mirror and squinting up his face into a
 monstrous scowl): "Lissen' up, Fool!  You changed the Whopper?  I
 flame-broil yo' Honkey Ass!  I drop Hulk Hogan on yo' mudder!  I make
 George Peppard feed yo' cat all his used cigars!" (sees us, straightens up
 and looks sheepish).  "Oh, excuse me, I got invited to participate in a
 commercial enterprise (if it's good enough for Bruce Weitz...).
"Welcome, to the first Stupid People's Court taking place in it's new home
 in net.bizarre.  I'm posting it THIS ONCE to net.flame, just because Ken
 Ardnt threatened to subscribe to the Mancester Guardian in my name
 otherwise.  But this is it." (Puts on dignified air, which is tough to do
 at this time of day) "First off, really have to thank those of you got this
 newsgroup started.  Quite a few interesting articles out so far, even
 though there has been a certain amount of drivel lately, mostly garbled
 poetry from shell-shock victims who watched _Terms_of_Endearment_ at
 double-speed on their VCRs." (Close up of Judge's half-shaven, insincere
 face) "But, hey, this isn't net.flame, and everyone's view of bizarre is
 different, if a bit mundane generally.  I'm not turning this into another
"Unfortunately, not one big issue to go after this week; usually, in my
 prior net-ivized trials, you've been in for one of the massively important
 cases which take up a whole article.  Today's a more routine, easy-going
 session, with a few minor plaintiffs.  Let's start with Ms. Verna
 Schlockingworth, a person in advertising with a major New York agency.
 Red, our baliff, is bringing her in now."
[The massive oak doors open to reveal Red escorting a red-haired woman
 dressed in a Brook's Brothers' Certified Woman's Power Suit.  She seems to
 be coated in a type of makeup which will preserve her for future
 generations to study.  She is smoking like a chimney -- NOT a good idea for
 getting the Judge's sympathy, let me tell you...]
JUDGE MW:  "Red, bring the defendant before the bench and read the charges."
[For those of you with non-graphic terminals, Red looks awfully like Andy
RED:  "Th' defendant is charged with blatant an' obnoxiously stupid portrayal
 of women over the Television media, yer Honor."
JUDGE MW: "Thank you, Red.  How do you plead, Ms. Schlockingworth?"
VERNA SCHLOCKINGWORTH: "I am COMPLETELY innocent.  My only crime is that I
                         have furthered the cause for women everywhere with
                         my commercials."
JUDGE MW: "And made a 100 K salary annually at it, I might add."
VERNA S: "This is AMERICA, your honor!  If I can make some small
          contribution to my own financial security while fighting for
          equal rights everywhere, all the better."
JUDGE MW: "Which explains your portfolio of South African gold
           certificates... Ms.  Schlockingworth, are you responsible for
           the detergent ads populating the market showing women leaving
           their homes for other jobs, capped by the slogan `That's a
           change for the better!'?"
VERNA S:  "Yes, these ads were my brainchildren.  Certainly you don't see
           anything wrong with women in positions of responsibility, your
JUDGE MW: "Of course not -- any individual should not hindered from an
           occupation they wish to participate in due to race, sex or
           religion.  The increase of women in the marketplace is one of
           the best things to happen to this country in the last decade.
           However, I have yet to see one commercial where being a
           housewife is not considered a 'change for the worse'.  I can think
           of few jobs that take more patience, hard work and talent than that
           of person (man or woman) staying home and taking care of a house
           and their children.  Why don't any of your commercials provide
           an example of a woman staying at home who is leading a positive,
           productive life?"
VERNA S:  "But your Honor, housework is so, so... dull!  People want to see
           examples of how their lives will change if they drop whatever
           they're doing now and try a new, fashionable lifestyle.  And our
           product, of course."
JUDGE MW: "And staying home and raising children, by anyone, is not
VERNA S:  "Oh, your honor, it's passe.  Why, just look at our latest ad!"
[The SPC big screen television, usually used for major sporting events like
 Hydroplane racing and Pro Wrestling winks on.  A naked woman, laying on
 her back on a squeeky bed, fills the screen.  We know the bed is squeeky
 due to the 200 lb. overweight man leaping up and down on her in the
WOMAN:    "In the old days, I used to put out only for my hubbie, Larry."
[Scene changes to Broadway & 52nd Street in New York.  Same women is
 dressed up in garish high heels, fish net stockings, an extremely short
 skirt and tight vinyl blouse, and is wearing fifty pounds of makeup.
 Several Cadillacs are vying to pull up next to her before the others.]
WOMAN:    "Now I turn tricks on a professional basis!  That's a change for
           the better!"
[TV goes out]
VERNA S:  "So, your honor, you can see how child-raising is work fit for
           only the inferior mental stock of our civilization."
JUDGE MW: "Inferior mental stock, hmmm?" (Special effects put that familiar
           maniacal gleem in his eyes) "Well, if that's true, than you
           should have no problem with the sentence I'm about to deliver to
           you, as you are obviously gifted with a IQ significantly higher
           than those you hold in disdain.  You will be given one slightly
           moldy Hostess Ding-Dong, and led into one of the side chambers.
           In it you will find 35 panting Cub Scouts who haven't made a
           trip to the 7-11 in 24 hours and are desperate for Junk Food.  You
           must divide the Ding Dong amongst them."  (Tosses her the
           heavenly Hostess confection) "Have fun -- this shouldn't be a
VERNA S:  "Bu-but I have a 1:00 lunch with Stephen Cannell about an A-Team
           Tie in with our Harlequin Romance contract!  You can't do this
           to meeeeeEEEEEEE!!!!!"
[Red grabs her by the hand and drags her towards the door]
RED:      "Now, Mahm, you just don't worry none.  Aunt Bee used to handle
           this every week with no problem t'all -- she'd just told Opey
           she'd have Gomer sing if he was bad..."
[Side door to court is opened and Ms. Schlockingworth is tossed in.
 Unseen by our eyes, a mighty cry goes up as the door is closed on this
[Back to the bench]
JUDGE MW:  "Thanks, Red.  Oh, before leaving today, one case that has been
            brought to my attention...."
[Camera backs up to show every Major League baseball player and his
 agent(s) in the defendant stand.]
JUDGE MW:  "I've been asked to arbitrate in the Baseball Strike that
            started today.  However, since I have no interest whatever in
            Baseball (only softball, and then in the Fluke DSP team), I am
            turning negotiations over to Col. Rufus E. Flintgritter, known
            to some of you through his articles in "Soldier of Fortune".
[Judge Moriarty walks offstage as a grim, white-haired man in combat
 fatigues enters the court.  Muttering "Goddamn Pinkos" under his breath,
 he breaks the silence of the courtroom as he jams a magazine of
 armor-piercing bullets into his modified Uzi rapid-fire machine gun.  A
 low "Whooooooo" rises up from the collected masses in the defendant stand
 as Bob Eucker walks in from stage left]
BOB E:     "Say, this must be the place they're having the banquet in my
[Camera fades out as the Col. assumes attack mode (in the interests of our
 younger viewers...]
            AND LESS!"
  If you've got a problem, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.
                   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
                                        Judge Moriarty Wapner
                                        Stupid People's Court
 {cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsri}!uw-beaver \
    {allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty