STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT: The case of Outraged English Majors VS. The Net
From postnews Mon Mar 25 23:38:04 1985
Subject: STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT: The case of Outraged English Majors VS. The Net
Newsgroups: net.flame,net.misc
Distribution: net
Status: RO
FADE IN: The sound of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd. Behind
the Prosecuting Counsel's table sit twenty intense, slightly
constipated-looking individuals, their chins thrust forward and their
eyes gleaming with righteous indignation. In the defendant's box are
45,000 people of every imaginable type, all in rather cramped
positions. Red, the Stupid People's Court bailiff, steps forward.
Let's listen in!
BAILIFF: Order in the court. The case of Amalgamated Offended English
Majors versus The Net. All rise for Judge Moriarty Wapner.
<Judge MW enters from the southern courtroom door. He is reading an
issue of Sport's Illustrated.>
JUDGE MW (mumbling, as usual): `...best shark trolling bait: spam...
Rolaids... Moon Pies... Pia Zadora...' <reaches bench> You may be
seated. Red, read the charges.
BAILIFF: The organization known as A.O.E.M. charges the Usenet
community with malicious spelling, poor grammar and lazy proofreading
in general.
JUDGE MW: Very well. Gentlemen and ladies of the prosecution, state
your case.
1st OEM: For too long has poor grammar and spelling been prevalent on
the entity know as "Usenet"...
2nd OEM: Except by us, of course.
1st OEM: Of course. And we think the time has come to have these
malefactors brought to justice!
JUDGE MW: Well, I have to admit that the net, as a whole, does not
have perfect (or even excellent) grammar or spelling but we're not that
bad; and besides, we cannot castigate an entire group for the errors of
individuals.
1st OEM: But they're all TECHNICIANS!
3rd OEM: Ooh, yucko! Grodey to the max!
2nd OEM: And if they're not technicians, they must be engineers, and
they're almost as bad.
1st OEM: As if having to share netnews discussions wasn't enough, we
have to deal with their split infinitives and outrageous misuse of
"too"!
4th OEM: Horrors! What would Hemingway say?
JUDGE MW (never one to leave a straight line dangling): Mariel would
probably tell you to stick...
ALL OEMs: We want justice! We want justice!
JUDGE MW: Well, I have to admit that the charges of sloppy English are
somewhat merited...
ALL OEMs: Hurrah!
3rd OEM: Saints be Praised!
JUDGE MW: ...but don't you think you're making a bit much out of it?
1st OEM: On the contrary, I think this merits, at the very *least*, an
apology by the entire net!
THE NET: [Noises of grumbling, with various voices rising and falling]:
Huh...
....cripes, why worry about spelling, when they'll be an AI project
doing it next year...
..........This is just how England subjugates Northern
Ireland.....
.....Drop Doggie Doo in their
drawers!...
....Son,take careful
aim at those loonies,
and blow their brain
out.....
JUDGE MW: Could someone take Adrian out for his walkies? And Mr.
Arndt, please restrain you're child from using that M-16....
Gentlemen and Ladies of the Prosecution, I don't think you're going to
get anywhere from that position...
1st OEM: Well, it's to be expected.
2nd OEM: Yes, the poor, sensitive creative soul never finds solace in
the harsh, unfeeling mercantile society.
1st OEM: We try to preserve the standard of the flagging English
Language among unkept barbarians...
4th OEM: Well, what do you expect from techies, anyway? None of them
have had our Liberal Arts background...
JUDGE MW: Why, I'm sure that's not true of a great deal of the net. I
myself graduate this year from Reed College with...
3rd OEM: Yes, we know, we've heard it a thousand times. Let's face
it, Your Honor, you sold out. You're working as a software person...
JUDGE MW: Hey! I resent...
3rd OEM: ... instead of suffering the fate we must face every day,
trying to keep our civilization educated...
JUDGE MW: But...
3rd OEM: ... and trying to keep the last vestiges of a once-great
culture alive amongst...
JUDGE MW: But...
3rd OEM: ...what can only be kindly termed as a bunch of ignorant
savage worshipers of technocracy...
JUDGE MW: But...
3rd OEM: ...who do nothing but read Stephen King novels, swill beer,
and have sex...
JUDGE MW: Shutup.
3rd OEM: ...as if sex was the greatest thing in the world. I've had
sex before...
Judge MW: Shut Up.
3rd OEM: ...and, sure, it's nice and all, but not as nice as writing...
JUDGE MW [screams]: SHUT UPPPP!
3rd OEM: ...haiku, or deciphering the 132 meanings ascribed to "The
Sun Also Rises", or debating whether Shakespeare was really Sir Thomas
Moore and Neil Simon teaming up....
1st OEM: Was!
2nd OEM: Wasn't!
1st OEM: WAS!
2nd OEM: WASN'T!
3rd OEM: ...gee, I mean, I don't know why women aren't attracted by
artistic suffering. My parents locked me in a closet, so I didn't get
into athletics much...
<Judge Moriarty reaches beneath his robes and draws forth the legendary
Rubber Gavel of Thor, given only to he who reads more Popular Trash
than any other, and, swinging it over his head, he looseth it at yon
villains, whence it reboundeth all overth the room, and hitteth all of
the OEMs in the headeth (due to his amazing Newton Sense, gained when
exposed to a radioactive Prime 350, or gotten when studying backgammon
with Tibetian llamas, I forget), rendering them unto Morpheus>
THE NET [a single voice]: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
JUDGE MW: *sigh*. Hasn't Adrian's nanny shown up yet? Just remember,
folks....
If you've got a lame flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
Judge Moriarty Wapner, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
UUCP:
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