Stupid People's Court

From moriarty Sun Sep  8 23:07:03 GMT 1985
Newsgroups: net.flame,net.misc
Subject: Stupid People's Court
References: <36200178@uiucdcs.UUCP>
Reply-To: moriarty@fluke.UUCP (The Napoleon of Crime)
Status: RO
Say, Ken Kaufman suggests an interesting idea....
Voice-over announcer:  Yes, it's time to start another session of STUPID
                       PEOPLE'S COURT, Judge Moriarty Wapner presiding (and
                       sitting in for David Letterman...).  Today it's The
                       Case of The Rampant Knuckleheads. The baliff is
                       bringing them in now:
(Uniformed Officer leads two net.flamers in by their collars...)
Baliff:                 ALL RISE FOR JUDGE WAPNER!
Judge MW:               No need, I'm just reading  Read the
Baliff:                 The Defendant, Mr. Mewling J. Loudmouth, is charged
                        with slandering the Plantiff, Ms. Sensitive M.
                        Humourless, in a series of 312 net articles.
Judge MW:               You may remove their blinders, baliff.
(Baliff removes the hoods covering the plantiff and defendant's heads;
 instantly upon seeing each other, they begin frothing at the mouth,
 screaming, and jabbing their fingers as if trying to hit 'f' keys.
 Luckily the baliff has their collars tied to different ends of the
 room, so they cannot tear each other apart and leave the court stuck
 with the cleanup bill...)
S. Humorless:           You pond-sucking scum!  You monstrous, humorless
                        bigot!  Your <edited out for our younger readers> is
                        the size of an aggie!
M. Loudmouth:           You can't repress me, you fascist cow!  Free Speech,
                        you fascist slug, is something I must have on the
                        net!  Or else the Constitution will fail, the courts
                        will dry up, and my employers will fire me since I
                        no longer look busy while posting articles.  You
                        fascist fascist!!
S. Humorless:           Invertebrate!  Mongloid!  Jockstrap-Breath!
M. Loudmouth:           Pig! Leper!  You have rhino acne!
S. Humorless:           Queer!
M. Loudmouth:           Lesbian!
S. Humorless:           #$@*! You!!
M. Loudmouth:           #$@*! #$@*! You!
S. Humorless:           #$@*! #$@*! #$@*! You!
M. Loudmouth:           Yo' Mama!
Judge MW:               I think that's enough.  Bring them before the bench,
(Baliff tightens choke chain and drags them to the front of the court)
Baliff:                 Walkies!
Judge MW:               Mr. Loudmouth, how many newsgroups did you send the
                        original article to?
M. Loudmouth:           Why... ALL of them, your honor.
Judge MW:               Can you explain your actions?
M. Loudmouth:           It was a topic of universal importance, your honor!
Judge MW:               Even to net.sportsfishing?
M. Loudmouth:           ESPECIALLY there, sir!  I understand they're big
                        fans of my postings in the smaller newsgroups.
Judge MW (under breath): Another insanity pleading...
                        How many groups did you post to, Ms. Humorless?
S. Humorless:           Well, after quoting the ENTIRE article in my
                        posting, I posted my response to the same number of
Judge MW:               ALL of them?!
S. Humorless:           And then I reposted it two days later for those
                        people on vacation...
(Judge M. Wapner pulls out huge rubber mallet and bops both plantiff and
 defendant over head with it, knocking them both into a stupor)
Judge MW:               The court finds you both a pair of Ding-Dongs.  From
                        now on, KEEP IT IN NET.FLAME!!
So just remember these three rules:
        1) If your posting is just abuse of the originator, mail it, don't
        post it.
        2) If it's a boring flame, it's not a flame.  A flame is fun for the
        whole family, wittily written and with a tweek to the original.  If
        it's just a bunch of contradictions, skip it; we don't want to hear
        it, as we are ALL a bunch of flame gourmands here in net.flame...
        3) Most importantly, never forget:
                WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS BUS!
..because if you do forget the rules, you just might wind up in
                **STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT**
    "If you tell the truth, you must smile.  Otherwise, people will kill you."
                                        Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
                                        John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
 {cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsrgv}!uw-beaver \
    {allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty