From postnews Tue Jun 18 01:06:42 1985
Newsgroups: net.flame,net.movies
Distribution: net
Status: RO
SETTING:       One which longtime net.flamers know about as well as the
               brown paper bags they use when hyperventilating.  A large,
               standard Sears #2341 Hollywood TV Courtroom, with the only
               jarring element being a large oil landscape over the Judge's
               bench, depicting a buck, doe and fawn grazing in a Maine
               marshland under a seamy gray sky, out of which 30 Japanese
               Zeroes are diving towards them in a strafing pattern.  Under
               this picture, carved in bronze and linoleum, are the words:
                    "The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner
                     we'll find their money." --Ed Bluestone
               The silent, empty courtroom is suddenly rattled by a flush
               and then footsteps, and out of a oaken door on Stage Left
               marked "MEN (quiche eaters tolerated)" walks Judge Moriarty
               Wapner.  An audible "zip" is heard, and then he looks up,
               noticing the reader, and smiles.  Let's listen in...
JUDGE MORIARTY:  "Well, with that opening, you're probably expecting some
sordid lampoon on the whole women/toilet paper/bathroom discussion raging in
net.flame,.women, & .jokes.  Not on your life -- I've been having rn weed
those buzz monkeys out of my reading path.  Frankly, I wouldn't touch the
subject with one of those 10-foot things Scott Turner is always talking
"Actually, my absence here is due to another newsgroup I've been
contributing to rather heavily: net.movies, as I've spent the last five
weeks cooped up in the World Famous Egyptian Theater, attending the 10th
Annual Seattle International Film Festivals.  Yes, you all may know me as
Moriarty, crusading member of the bench, Napoleon of Crime, and weekend
father, but in truth, I need to get away from all these humdrum wives...
err, I mean, lives... and go out rubbing shoulders with the likes of John
Sayles, Paul Verhooven, Pia Zadora, and Sparky, the Wonder Hound (he's not
dead yet!).  I mean, how many of you can tell your children that you heard
the producer and director of THE EVIL DEAD explain just how easy it is to do
decapitations on a budget of under $700,000?  And you try to impress them
with stock market portfolios!  Ha!  It is to laugh..."
[Close up shot of Judge's face]
"However, I'm back." [Gives that famous wink which makes the reader feel
that s/he, and only s/he, is in on the joke the judge is hinting at.  Also
gives the Judge's hands, which are off-screen, a chance to rifle through the
reader's purse or wallet.]
[Returning to medium shot]
"Not all of the festival was wine and poppies.  In a soon-to-be-released
net.movies article, I mention all the really wonderful aspects of the
SIFF; however, I wish to ruthlessly exploit several pet peeves I have about
moviegoers, and I decided to use my Judicial Position to extrapolate on them.
Let's go visit the Egyptian theater, shall we?  Click your heels three
times, close your eyes, and say, `Douglas Trumball, do your stuff; Trekkies
cannot get enough.'"
[Fade to Black.  When we fade back in, we are on the lower level of the
World-Famous Egyptian Theater.  Judge Wapner is seated in the 6th row back
from the screen, in the middle.  Behind and above him, in the elevated
balcony, two men enter from either sides of the theater and sit down next to
each other.  One looks tweedy and slightly balding, while the other is
graying, bespectacled, and appears to have eaten Cujo before coming to the
theater.  Stupid background music is heard around them; it fades out as they
are seated.]
JUDGE MORIARTY: "As has been mentioned before, there are always moronic
things that theater goers do that makes them intolerable at movies; but I
saw several, repeated time and again, that has led me to these re-creations
of actual scenes (maybe embellished a *little*).  Case One: The
Brain-Damaged Searcher." [Clicks fingers]
[Suddenly, the whole lower section is peppered with people waiting for the
beginning of the movie.  Few seats are left empty, and several have coats,
backpacks, or inflatable sex toys draped over them to indicate that they are
taken.  On the seat next to the Judge, a blinking neon sign flashes the
word 'TAKEN'.  Several people are walking the aisles, including a 30-ish
woman who has avoided the ravages of intelligence with great skill and a
good deal of inherited cash (obviously from Bellvue).]
WASHINGTON EX-DEBUTANTE (after getting the Judge's attention):  "Excuse me,
young man in the robes, is that seat next to you taken?"
JUDGE MORIARTY [Grimacing, turns to reader]: You think I'm kidding...
[Judges reaches into seat next to him, pulls out a .44 rubber mallet (yes,
"the most powerful mallet in the world, and it could knock your head CLEAN
off..."), and sends debutante to that great Real Estate Party in the sky...]
(In the Balcony) ROGER:  "Well, that was rather pointless.  I think he was
trying to say too much in that scene."
GENE: "And it has been said before."
ROGER: "Of course."
JUDGE MORIARTY: "And now, Case Two: The Long-Legged Ignoramus" [Clicks
[It is still the seating period before the movie begins.  A rather drab
couple of film patrons sit behind the Judge; even if their stilted
conversation could not be overheard, their relation can be inferred from
their JC Penny Authentic New Wave clothing.  The male has his feet against
the back of the Judge's seat].
MALE CRETIN:  "I mean, like, I gave that interview everything I had, right?
And the director gives me some shit about how she doesn't feel I have the
experience to write her next screenplay!  Can you believe it?"
FEMALE CRETIN:  "Frigid bitch."
[Male begins rocking the back of the Judges chair]
MALE CRETIN:  "I mean, like, I got a B- in my film writing course, right?
And I've been writing the column for The Artesian for 6 weeks now, except
for the two I couldn't get around to it because I needed to get away to the
beach with Pauli.  And I was administrative assistant for that documentary
on Bananna Slugs for Reggie; I mean, you don't get background like that
[Begins rocking back of Judge's seat faster]
FEMALE CRETIN: "You were the best man for the job."
MALE CRETIN:  "I know what it is, it's just that REAL artists don't have a
chance to get their stuff across to audiences nowadays.  Industry's too
money-grubbing to let some real writing come across anyway.  And most of the
country's too stupid to understand it in the first place."
FEMALE CRETIN: "She was probably screwing the guy she gave the job to,
[Back of the Judges seat now looks like a hobby horse after snorting 30
lines of Peruvian Rock Crystals.  Judge Moriarty turns around.]
MALE CRETIN (moving his feet under his seat): "Unnh." (Under breath) "Prick."
[Waits a few seconds, then begins rocking Judge's seat again]
JUDGE MORIARTY (to reader): "Yes, unfortunately, throwbacks like this one
still occur.  For my next scene of senseless retribution, I'd like to
introduces Prickles, the honest-to-goodness Warthog Wonder."
[Judge rises from his swaying seat to make room for a rather refined-looking
wild boar making his way across the row.  Prickles places his head onto the
Judge's now-vacated seat, and sticks his two huge elliptical tusks through
the thin opening between the seat and back of the Judge's chair.  These
tusks snag the MC's imitation Adidas running shoes, and soon the rude
joggler discovers his $24 jogging status symbols to be hopelessly impaled on
those wonders of nature.  Prickles, being a smart chap (as well as a
wonderfully well-read film historian to boot), draws his tusks back through
the opening, pulling the MC's shoes and his hopelessly entangled feet along.
The effect of having the cretin's entire body pulled through the 3 cm. slit
between the chair's seat and back causes him to become somewhat less
energetic, and after a helpful usher comes by and cleans up the gore, the
Judge tosses the Neon "TAKEN" sign into the MC's seat, and moves Prickles
next to him, where they begin discussing Prickle's upcoming audition for
(In the balcony): GENE: "Pretty stereotypical antagonists."
ROGER: "Yes, but I'd like to see the boar again."
GENE:  "Well, yes, but he was the ONLY good part of that last scene..."
JUDGE MORIARTY (to reader):  Oh, yes, Case Three: The SS groupie. [clicks
[It is one of the after-film question and answer periods.  John Sayles is at
the front of the stage, pleasantly describing many behind-the-scenes
anecdotes which illustrate how difficult (and surprising) film work can be.
He points to a kid in the back row who is raising his hand.]
SAYLES:  "Yes, you over there.  Go ahead."
KID (REFERRED TO HENCEFORTH AS SS GROUPIE):  "In your film, _Baby_It's_You_,
you have a 10-year old kid in it."
SAYLES: "Yes, I did.  For about 2 minutes." (Smiles -- he apparently is a
nice person).  "It's about two people going from high school to college, and
the kid is one of the main character's brothers."
SS GROUPIE: "In the great Stephen Spielburg's film _E.T._, he also had a
10-year old kid.  Tell me, how do you feel Spielburg has influenced your
film work?"
[Sayles looks confused; surely no one could be addled enough to make
influence statements under such thin connections (influence questions are
ALWAYS tricky).  The crowd grimaces as one; how embarrassing, to have a
really helpful and informative (not to mention talented) director come to
talk, and then have him ask a question like this.]
JUDGE MORIARTY (to reader): "You think I'm kidding, don't you.  Unh-unh.
We'll be lucky to get Sayles next year.  Perhaps I can remedy this." (To
Sayles) "Excuse me, Mr. Sayles, do you mind if I have someone else answer
this question?"
SAYLES: "Not at all.  After all, it's your fantasy..."
[Judge Moriarty clicks fingers, and from behind the curtains strides
Harrison Ford, dressed in a normal, off-set coat, shirt and jeans
combination.  Audience and Sayles applaud politely, and Ford addresses the
FORD:  "What was the question?  Maybe I can answer it..."
SS GROUPIE:  "Certainly you would be nothing without the great Stephen
Spielburg, Mr. Ford.  Can you tell me how he has influenced you?"
FORD (giving his famous "give-me-a-break" grimace) "Let me show you." [Pulls
revolver from beneath coat and shoots the questioner].
(In balcony) ROGER: "Just another example of why Harrison Ford is one of the
great leading men in the American film world today."
GENE: "Nobody else can answer stupid questions like he can."
ROGER: "Except maybe Clint Eastwood."
GENE: "Or Pee-Wee Herman."
ROGER: "Right."
PRICKLEY (to Judge Moriarty): "Maybe if he had been holding a sword?"
JUDGE MORIARTY:  "Too obvious." [Clicks fingers, and everyone except
Prickley and the two men in the balcony disappear].
(To audience) "Well, I think that's about enough for now.  Expect a Stupid
People's Court article in a few weeks.  Until then, I'll see you At The
Movies." [Walks to the exit with Prickley].
ROGER:  "Hey, that's my line!"
GENE:   "You mean OUR line!"
ROGER:  "Whatever -- it's copyrighted!"
JUDGE MORIARTY (his voice, as he and Prickley have walked offscreen, through
the exit) "Not any more.  I'm afraid you'll have to deal with the
competition now..." [sound of door closing behind Prickley].
GENE: "Competition?"
ROGER:  "Lyons and Gabler?"
GENE: "No, he said `competition'." (Both laugh)
[Suddenly, the theme music from JAWS begins to rise.  Shadows draw around
the balcony, and scuffling noises are heard]
ROGER (trembling and looking all around him):  "GG-G-Gene?  What is-s it?"
[Suddenly two figures, one male and one female, swing on giant ropes into the
balcony near the two critics.  Both are dressed in over-alls and are wearing
hockey masks over their faces.  Both are also clutching huge rolled up bats
made up of old Usenet articles.  The creatures advance on the outdated old 
Chicogo film hacks...]
GENE (fruitlessly trying to ward them off): "AHHH!  IT'S THE LEEPERS!"
[Fade to black with the sounds of the two clubs hitting cardigan sweaters.]
ANNOUNCER: "ATTACK OF THE LEEPERS!  Coming to a theater near you!"
  If you've got a lame flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.
                   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
                                        Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
                                        John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
 {cornell,decvax,ihnp4,sdcsvax,tektronix,utcsri}!uw-beaver \
    {allegra,gatech!sb1,hplabs!lbl-csam,decwrl!sun,ssc-vax} -- !fluke!moriarty