Sherman, set the Wayback Machine for... STUPID PEOPLE's COURT!
From moriarty Tue Oct 29 08:32:35 1985
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Date: Mon, 28 Oct 85 22:58:12 pst
From: moriarty (Jeff Meyer)
Message-Id: <8510290658.AA11572@vax4.fluke.UUCP>
To: moriarty
Subject: "Sherman, set the Wayback Machine for... STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!"
Status: RO
[Opening shot: Close-up of the bench of Stupid People's Court (where did
you expect? Daytona Beach?). Reviewing manila folders filled with case
histories, political advertisements, movie reviews and rather personal
pictures of Rita Hayworth, Judge Moriarty Wapner pretends not to notice us.
The crowd is filled with an odd (odd even for SPC) assortment of
spectators: chief among the onlookers are an admiral with bug-eyes, a
father-and-son dressed in togas and wearing laurel wreaths, and a dog and
his boy. Oops, the Judge is snapping out of it. Let's listen in!]
JUDGE MW: Ah, there you are. Been waiting for you to show up. By the way,
now that net.bizarre has been blasted to atoms (instead of laying
around decomposing), SPC is going back to net.flame (although
this week it appears in net.comics and net.tv, for reasons which
will become obvious very shortly). However, remember: you can
still sign up to get on the Stupid People's Court mailing list.
That's right, E-Mailed to your door (not folded, either -- mailed
flat!). If you're interested, drop me a line at the address at
the end of the article. If you got this article in the mail, it
means you're already on the list, so... don't do ANYTHING.
Today promises to highlight a rather unusual case, not only
through the events which make it up, but by the fact that it was
a case that was brought to my attention by someone else. Yes,
this week we actually have plaintiffs -- four of them, in fact.
They are bringing their case before me for Fair Judgment; and I
will be quite surprised if you don't recognize them immediately.
Let me introduce...
[Camera zooms out several feet, to reveal a unusually large squirrel
wearing an old-fashioned aviator's helmet, perched on the shoulders of a
moose-like creature standing (yup) on it's hind legs].
Mr. Rocket J. Squirrel, otherwise known as Rocky...
ROCKY: Hi, kids!
JUDGE MW: ....and his companion, Mr. Bullwinkle Moose.
BULLWINKLE: Howdy!
JUDGE MW: Nice to see you boys out and active again.
BULLWINKLE: Nice to see you flaunting the copyright laws by putting
trademarked characters in your column.
JUDGE MW: Hey, this is a fan column! You want me to consider your case or
not?
ROCKY [to Bullwinkle]: Hush, Bullwinkle! He's trying to help us out. [To
Judge] It's nice to be up and around, your Honor.
We've been retired for the last 15 years, and living
in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota...
JUDGE MW: Right next to Lake Wobegon?
BULLWINKLE: You've been there!
JUDGE MW: Whenever I can, Bullwinkle, whenever I can...
BULLWINLKLE: Rock and I have been thinking of going on Mr. Keillor's show
for a long time, but I stopped performing music when Mr.
Know-It-All went off the air.
JUDGE MW: Well, it's splendid to see you fellows again -- you put out one
of the few cartoons that I enjoyed as much as an adult (generally
speaking, of course) as I did as a kid. What brings you back
after all these years?
ROCKY: Well, your Honor, it's like this: ever since our show went off the
air, we don't watch much TV, except for The Prisoner repeats...
BULLWINKLE: I like the big bubbles...
ROCKY: ...but last weekend, I decided to see what shows were being shown on
Saturday mornings. I guess I wanted to see if things were as good
as they were in our day...
BULLWINKLE: Yeah, with things like Space Ghost!
ROCKY: And Johnny Quest!
JUDGE MW: Yes, and Cool McCool.
ROCKY: And Bugs Bunny!
BULLWINKLE: And Alistair Cooke with Masterpiece Theatre!
ROCKY: Bullwinkle...
BULLWINKLE: Well, we had to get some culture into this routine
*somehow*...
ROCKY: Anyway, we turned on some shows last week... and it's TERRIBLE!
Those poor kids, having to watch stuff like that! We called up all
the major networks, and asked them to stop it...
BULLWINKLE: Even that Silverman fella... why, I remember when he was just a
drooling tot. Musta been 19 at the time...
ROCKY: ...but none of them would even listen to us! They said they had
seen some of our old shows, and they wouldn't ever put us on again,
even if we got Japanese animators to draw our backgrounds!
BULLWINKLE: But that ain't the worst of it, yer Honor. Even if we couldn't
get back on the air, we thought maybe we could stop these new
shows from being shown. But the characters on the shows
wouldn't even talk to us!
ROCKY: Yeah, us or the people we got to help us.
VOICE [Off to the left of the camera]: About time somebody got around to
introducing us, already!
JUDGE MW [Facing audience]: Excuse me, I was so gripped by this intense
discussion that I forgot to introduce the other two co-plaintiffs...
[Camera zooms back to reveal, standing to the left of Bullwinkle and Rocky,
a pale, raven-haired seductive woman in a tight skirt, and a very short,
mustached man with a black trenchcoat, pants, shirt, shoes and hat]
JUDGE MW: ...Joan Collins and Danny Devito.
BORIS: Ha Ha Ha. Vedy Funny. You Mr. Big Yucks or David Letterman, maybe?
NATASHA: Look, I do lots of tings for money, but DYNASTY is too low even
for me, dalink.
JUDGE MW: Just a little judicial humor. Let me introduce Ms. Natasha
NoGoodski and Mr. Boris BadEnough.
BORIS: De spelling's all wrong, you schnook.
NATASHA: Vat do you expect from public school education, dalink?
JUDGE MW: Tell me, why did you two get involved in this cause? I thought
you usually stuck to the wrong side of the tracks.
NATASHA: Vell, when Gorbachev take charge, Fearless Leader get de axe...
BORIS: Literally.
NATASHA: ...so we try to go back as bad guys in Saturday cartoon show. But
I can't get vork unless I can fire ray beams from my eyes!
BORIS: And I got to go on tree-veek body-building course and dress like
drunken wrestler! Not easy for someone my age...
NATASHA: Besides, none of this new stuff got any humor. Ve used to get
trashed by Moose & Sqvuirrel, but at least ve got got some laughs
out of it.
ROCKY: Right! So that's the story, your Honor. We were hoping that you
could stop those from coming on the air.
JUDGE MW [frowning]: Well, folks, I'm afraid I don't have the jurisdiction
to stop these shows from going over the airwaves...
ROCKY [downcast]: Awww...
BORIS: Huh. So this is Capitalist society. In Old Country, Smurfs be
finger food for Central Committee by now.
BULLWINKLE: Cheer up, Rock... we tried.
JUDGE MW: ...however, this IS Stupid People's Court -- I can force these
characters to appear before us, and maybe we can talk some sense
into them. Red, have we got some of the people I asked to talk
to shown up?
BALIFF: There's a bunch of 'em outside, yer Honor. Most of 'em are little
blue folk, and they're runnin' amuck all over the place. Stepped
on a few of 'em comin' in.
JUDGE MW: Well, remember to wipe your feet... I won't have Smurf tracked in
over my nice clean court. Send in the characters waiting
outside.
BALIFF: Yes, sir, yer Honor. [Walks to the giant Art Deco doors of Stupid
People's Court and pulls them so that they are a quarter open,
which is a pretty wide entrance. He speaks to a group of
individuals in the hall]. Please enter to give testimony.
[Red resumes his post by the door. Through the gates of SPC come some of
the most unusual beings ever to grace chambers: a swarm of tiny blue
people, a green, rather sick-looking saber-toothed tiger, and a blond
body-builder with a Prince Valiant haircut and a smirk on his face. On his
back he carries a plastic sword in a plastic sheath. They stop in front of
The Judge's bench].
JUDGE MW [eyeing the hordes of Smurfs]: Boy, you guys've really prospered
under NBC, haven't you?
PAPA SMURF: Not any more, bozo. You're baliff just stepped on our only
female member. Now what're we going to do on Saturday nights?
SMURF #3: No more spin the Smurfette, that's fer shure!
JUDGE MW: Smurf-cest is a capital offense in some places, bub.
SMURF #1: Yeah, well, Smurf you, yer Honor! The only reason I showed up
to this thing is that I've got Smerpes, and couldn't do much
about my seven-year itch, if ya know what I mean! [laughs
crudely].
SMURF #15: Hey, Judge, I Smurf in your general direction! Har!
SMURF #8: Yeah, ME TOO!
SMURF #2: Yeah, yeah, huh huh huh....
ROCKY: Oh, my!
BULLWINKLE: Hide yer ears, Rock. This kind of talk wasn't meant for
characters like you to hear.
JUDGE MW: Obviously, I'm not going to get anywhere with you pygmies. Who's
the beach boy with his hands on his hips?
ADAM: I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of Castle Greyskull
(Castle Greyskull Playset, $89.95. Masters of the Universe action
figures sold separately). This is my friend Cringer...
JUDGE MW: ...who is getting sick on the floor of my courtroom. Who's going
to clean up after him?
ADAM [exhibiting blank-faced grin]: It's a little tough to find a sandbox
big enough for Cringer, ha-ha. Anyway,
where was I? Oh, yes... magical secret
powers...
JUDGE MW: Right, right, we've all seen the show once and had this damn
speech ingrained into our heads. That's the problem with your
show! It's the same thing week after week! Nothing but fights,
psuedo-A-Team action, and a cheap moral at the end of the show to
please the Network Censors that there's *something* they're
getting paid for enforcing.
ADAM [hurt look on his face]: But I haven't gotten to the good part yet!
JUDGE MW: [groaning, with head down on his desk]: OK, get it over with.
ADAM [unsheathing plastic sword]: ..for when I hold my Magic Sword aloft
and say
"BY THE POWER OF MA - TELL!"
[Cheap animation effects take over, and Adam is transformed into He-Man,
the Most Powerful Oaf in the Universe, who looks just like Adam, except for
a cave-man costume and a several-octaves-deeper voice. Cringer has become
a giant Battlecat, and is continuing to retch on the carpet, but now in
larger quantities. An all-male choir has appeared out of nowhere, and are
beginning to chant "He-MAN" incessantly. Several of the Smurfs have been
ignited by the lightening effects, and are running amok throughout the
courtroom, looking for a glass of water to "Smurf my ass" in.]
HE-MAN: "I HAVE THE ROYALTIES!"
JUDGE MW: Glad that's settled. Now, what are you going to do about
improving the writing on your shows?
HE-MAN: [Smirking stupidly] Writing? We're not on the show to entertain
kids! We're here to give them characters to spend money on, and
maybe throw in a little pre-Freudian sex imagery into the pot, ya
know?
BULLWINKLE [Whispers to Natasha]: Excuse me, ma'am, but as a female
character, do you find that fellow over
there attractive? He looks pretty macho
ta me.
NATASHA: Not unless you get keecks from making it vith Michelin Tire Man.
BORIS [Snorts]: Looks like limp-wristed Cossack to me.
JUDGE MW [getting hot under the collar]: OK, Chuckles, let me get this
straight. You're one purpose is
to push merchandise onto the
children's market?
HE-MAN: Our characters were based on the toys -- we add more characters so
that there'll be new toys for the kids to pay. [Laughs]. And it
looks like it's going to be a bonus Christmas this year!
Entertaining? Who cares? We've got a VIC-20 running BASIC that
writes our scripts!
JUDGE MW: Well, mister, the buck stops here. You're all not leaving this
courtroom until we get an agreement that is satisfactory to me
about the future directions of your shows.
SMURF #5: Yeah, Perry Mason? You and what army?
SMURF #2: YEAH, YEAH, What Army?
[Suddenly, squealing tires are heard at the level of the courtroom floor,
and a tiny British Sports car appears from nowhere to run over each and
every Smurf in the courtroom, leaving a trail of Blue Slime in its trail]
PENFOLD: Oooh, those nasty little buggers are even worse than Baron
Greenback!
DANGERMOUSE: And who knows WHAT their bodily fluids will do to the
underside of our car...
PENFOLD: Ooh, ick...
[Car takes to the air and flies out a nearby window]
JUDGE MW: You can always count on the British to clean up a situation in
short order. And speaking of the British [turns to the male
chorus, who are still chanting "He-MAN" at the top of their lungs]
SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZUKI PLAYER UP!
[Silence]
There. That's better. As for you and your retching feline,
He-Man, I'm going to send you (through the power vested in me by
The Stupid People's Court) to Fernando's Hideaway for the next
two years. This will give the public time to get over your
nauseating little scam.
HE-MAN [Smirk has turned into a nasty sideways grin]: Maybe if it were just
me you had to deal
with, Chump... but I
brought some friends
along with me...
[In the distance, a thumping legion of footsteps approaches the front gate
of SPC. They increase in their volume as they get closer and closer and
closer...]
HE-MAN: You see, it's not just The Masters of The Universe... this is a
trend that's going through the entire cartoon industry. Ever since
Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor left Saturday Morning TV, and since
Bugs Bunny is censored so badly you can't recognize it,
pre-marketed toy characters have taken control of the set on the
weekends and in the afternoon. So if you might be able to stop me,
I doubt you can halt...
[Sound of footsteps outside have become deafening. Suddenly, the giant
doors of SPC burst open, and a chaotic army of diverse creatures enter,
crowding the room with their belligerent shouts and aggressive sales
pitches].
ARMY OF TOYS: GIANT ROBOTS WHICH CAN BECOME CARS! GIANT ROBOTS WHICH CAN
BECOME TRUCKS! TEDDY BEARS! CUDDLY CHARACTERS! SUPER
PEOPLE! SUPER ROBOTS! SUPER WRESTLERS! SUPER WRESTLING
ROBOTS! SUPER WRESTLING TRUCKS WHICH CAN BECOME JOHN
DeLOREAN! SMURF CLONES! SMURF CLONES CLONES! GIANT SMURFS
WHICH CAN BECOME ROBOTS!
[Rocky & Bullwinkle are cowering in terror, Natasha and Boris are cowering
in disgust, and even Judge MW is looking a bit nervous -- he's never had to
deal with a threat as widespread or as immediate as this before. Can this
be the end of our boys? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode, "Boobs
in Toyland", or "Don't Step on that Meyers, hand me the Dwarf"]
HE-MAN [Sticks thumb in rather ponderous chest]: But the biggest seller of
all is HE-MAN, the Most
Powerful Oaf in the
Universe!!
[Oh, to heck with continued stories...]
RATHER LARGE ROBOT: Yeah, you and what Army, Homeboy? I'll run you over,
as soon as I can become a Pickyup!
MUSCLE-BOUND CLOD #9: No, I'M the most powerful! I take more steroids than
any of you guys! And I have the power to fire cruise
missiles from my ears!
MUSCLE-BOUND CLOD #14: That's nothing! I can bench-press a BMW, and I fire
ice beams from eyes!
MUSCLE-BOUND CLODETTE #2: Ha! Atom bombs burst off my chest, and I can
fire pasta from my nostrils!
LITTLE GUY IN BLACK SUIT WITH BRIEFCASE: I can serve summons on you people
in over 30 states.
BORIS: Whoof. Keep me dat guy away from me.
HE-MAN: Well, there's only one way to find out who's the strongest here,
and that's the American way! Let's Duke it out!
[Courtroom explodes into intense but non-realistic violence. Benches are
torn up, paneling ripped, stenographers stuffed into Mason jars and a
general rush-hour atmosphere ensues. Judge Moriarty is hidden beneath his
bench, reciting his mantra and wondering how the heck his fantasy ever got
this far out of whack. Suddenly, Bullwinkle stands up in the middle of the
plaintiff's box.]
BULLWINKLE: Hey, Rock! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
ROCKY, BORIS, NATASHA and JUDGE MW: BUT THAT TRICK NEVER WORKS!
BULLWINKLE [Reaching into the top hat]: This time fer shure!
[His hand grasps something, and out of the hat comes... a wizened old man
in a sailor suit, with one squintey eye and a corn-cob pipe].
SAILOR: Puts me down, ya ignoraramus Moosk! Ain't ya heard yer supposed ta
be polite ta old folks?
ROCKY: Sorry, Mr. Eye, but I think you might be of help here. [Points to
Battle Royal]. They're trying to fight it out to see who's the
strongest, and they're going to kill us all in the process!
SAILOR: Who'st the strongest, eh? Arf Arf Arf! Ain't that always the
beef! [Turns to Judge MW]. Excusk me, yer Honor, but might ya
have a can a' Spinach on yer robes?
JUDGE MW: As a matter of fact (what a coincidence!) I just happen to have
my grocery bag under my bench. [Bends over and begins searching].
Cherry Cola... Pretzel Sticks... Cherry Cola... Kiwi Fruit...
Cherry Cola... ah, here it is! Spinach!
SAILOR: Excusk me, dis won't take long... [opens can with bare hands and
gulps the contents down].
[Suddenly, jaunty nautical music swells up, and the little sailor becomes a
whirlwind, sweeping the various combatants in the court into one giant
tornado of sound effects, lightening bolts, and hands and fists]
HE-MAN'S VOICE [From somewhere inside the tornado, and several octaves
higher than Tiny Tim on his best days]: Hey! You're not supposed to hit me
there!
SAILOR'S VOICE [Also from inside tornado]: That'sk how ya fights on da
docks, ya muscle-bound pansy!
When I'm finisked wit you,
you'll be able ta guard harems
anywhere!
[The fight swells into one giant Warner Bros. Explosion, and when the smoke
clears, all that is left in the center of the courtroom is the sailor and a
HE-MAN lunch box].
SAILOR: Here, yer Honor, this'll make 'em a little easkier to move.
JUDGE MW: Thanks, Mr. Eye. I'm going to take this over to David Letterman
right now. Would you call ahead and ask him to warm up the steam
roller?
SAILOR: Certainskly. [Exit Stage Right with lunchbox]
JUDGE MW [Close-up of Judge as he turns to camera]: Whew! That's about as
much chaotic as I've
ever seen it in Stupid
People's Court!
Anyway, that's all for
now. Take care, and...
oh, before I forget....
[ROCKY, BULLWINKLE, BORIS AND NATASHA crowd into picture]
ALL: CONGRATULATIONS, SPAF! HAVE A NICE HONEYMOON!
BULLWINKLE: Maybe it'll give him a chance to work on his dissertation.
ROCKY: Oh, Bullwinkle...
[FADE TO BLACK].
---------
If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net. Take it to court.
****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
Judge Moriarty Wapner
Stupid People's Court
ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA
UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, sb1, lbl-csam}!fluke!moriarty
DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
necessarily represent the views of my employers. They are
entirely out of my dark and furitive imagination.