Live from The Oval Office -- it's SPC! (All New)

From spc-request@tc.fluke.COM Mon Dec 28 01:08:28 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc
Subject: Live from The Oval Office -- it's SPC! (All New)
Summary: A *new* episode of SPC
Message-ID: <2568@fluke.COM>
Date: 27 Dec 87 10:53:47 GMT
Sender: news@tc.fluke.COM
Reply-To: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Organization: Stupid People's Court
Lines: 312
Approved: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM
[OPENING SCENE: The ABC National newsdesk.  Peter Jennings, his left hand
 pressed to his earphone, is looking at an offscreen monitor.  After a few
 seconds, he moves his gaze to the camera and begins to speak]
JENNINGS: For those of you who have just joined us, President Reagan is
          about to address the nation.  In a surprise announcement
          yesterday, the President scheduled a nationwide broadcast for this
          afternoon over all three major networks; the Fox network was
          exempted because, according to White House officials, "Ronnie
          didn't want to pre-empt He-Man".
[Again, intently listens to earphone.  Then straightens up and addresses
JENNINGS: Ladies and gentlemen... The President of the United States.
[Scene dissolves to the Oval Office of the White House.  Ronald Reagan sits
 behind a large oaken desk, gazing sincerely at the camera.  The desk is
 adorned with a metal nameplate, a small jar of pens, a miniature statue of
 a waving Michael Gorbachev with the words "Who loves ya, baby?" engraved on
 the bottom, and one of those plastic flamingos whose beaks bob up and down
 into a glass of water.  In the bay window behind him, the late afternoon
 sun reddens the two flags bordering the President -- one the Stars &
 Stripes, the other a commemorative banner bought at the auction of John
 Wayne's estate, with the words "Negotiate Peace with Nuclear Weapons"]
REAGAN: My fellow Americans... it is with great frustration that I come
        before you today to announce that I have been forced, yet again, to
        withdraw the name of a nominee to the Supreme Court.  Frankly, we at
        the White House felt that after Judge Robert Bork and Judge Douglas
        "Zig-Zag" Ginsberg, we had finally found a viable judicial candidate
        in Judge Anthony Kennedy.  His moderate conservative background and
        unabrasive personality were considered important factors for
        receiving Senate confirmation.  He had a clean slate, in regards to
        drug use, criminal activities and campaign contributions.  In short,
        I felt that he was the man for the job.
[The President briefly looks down at his hands, licks his lips, and looks up
 with his patented sheepish expression]
        I guess I should have remembered that saying that Nelson Rockefeller
        told me years ago: When it comes to a man's character, you can't dig
        deep enough, unless you own the state of New York.  Well, Nelson's
        dead now, so he isn't of much help to me... [sighs] ...and, really,
        he never was, except for personal loans.  [several seconds of
        silence -- looks puzzled, which is not an unnatural expression on
        his face] Now where was I?
[Hushed whispering sounds from off to the right.  Reagan brightens visibly]
        Oh, yes.  Digging.  Sorry about that, won't happen again.
        [pre-anecdote smile appears].  You know, Mommy often tells me...
        [louder whispering from off-stage -- Reagan looks startled, then
        serious and a little disgruntled] Well, anyway, we've just
        discovered that Judge Kennedy has been a registered Democrat for the
        last nine years.  And while I'm as open-minded as the next fella, I
        don't think that, as a rule, Democrats should be on the Supreme
        Court bench.
        Of course, there have been other factors; the revelation in the
        Miami Herald that Judge Kennedy spent four years living in a
        bungalow with Bob Denver has raised *quite* a few eyebrows around
        Washington.  [pre-anecdote smile].  Being from the old "Hollywood
        Guard", though, it's all seems pretty tame to me.  Why, I can
        remember when Errol Flynn camped behind the big HOLLYWOOD sign with
        an extra by the name of Leonard Nimoy for five months... [really
        loud whispering interrupts him; it is definitely female.  The
        President looks a little nervous].
        Well, anyway... [looks very serious again]
        That is why I feel, as your President, that I cannot sanction the
        appointment of a controversial judge any longer (especially a
        controversial Democratic judge), and am withdrawing Judge Kennedy's
        name from consideration as a Supreme Court justice.
[Expression becomes open and frank]
        I can tell you that this situation has caught my cabinet and I with
        our collective pants down, so to speak.  We were sure that Tony was
        going to be a shoe-in, and we really didn't have any contingency
        plans.  Since my decision to rescind Judge Kennedy's nomination,
        we've been running around like crazy, trying to find someone with
        the proper qualifications.
[The president raises his hand and begins counting off fingers]
        My first choice was Frank Carlucci, but it turns out that he's
        already holding down four different positions here at the White
        House.  We then considered Orrin Hatch, but discovered that Orrin
        suffers from a Washington political disease called "Flip-Flop
        mania".  It's a mental disorder which is actually essential to the
        performance of any career politician; but it has become so advanced
        in Senator Hatch's case that he usually contradicts himself within
        20 seconds of any statement he makes.  Instead, we have decided to
        make him the new White House Press Secretary.
        I thought about my old friend and drinking partner, Ed Meese; but
        Ed's already under investigation by his own organization, the
        Justice Dept.  I'd hate to put him in a position where he'd have to
        prosecute *and* judge himself in a court of law, so I eliminated him
        from my list.  [Uses conspiratorial look] Frankly, ever since Ed's
        screw-up on the Ginsberg nomination, I've been a little reluctant to
        give him much responsibility.  Right now, we've got him splitting
        his time between delivering the White House mail and quizzing our
        new Supreme Court nominee.  [Puts on merry expression] But I'm
        getting ahead of myself again...
[Looks concerned]
        Well, I must say that I was in a tizzy.  There didn't seem to be
        anyone competent enough to appoint to the High Bench.  [Anecdotal
        tone returns to his voice] I thought deeply on my choices last
        Monday night, only to discover that I had become lost in the White
        House basement.  Stopping in one of those little rooms filled with
        computers that they have down there (the ones Casper used to tell me
        not to go into, and especially not to touch anything in them), I
        found a young man eating a ham sandwich and reading some text on a
        computer screen.
        We began to talk, as I sometimes do with my fellow Americans, and
        the conversation turned to my current problem.  "Sir," he said to
        me, "If you really want a man who won't cave under popular pressure,
        who shoots from the hip and talks straight, and who pursues justice
        without qualification, then you should nominate Judge Moriarty
        Wapner... of Stupid People's Court."
        [Reverent gaze] In our country, blessed as it is by God and Tom
        Landry, the word of an anonymous White House computer technician is
        good enough for me... I sent for Judge Moriarty the next day.  And
        he seems to be everything we were looking for in a Supreme Court
        Justice.  He knows the law; he knows people; and, best of all, he
        knows all about old 40's motion pictures, which gives us lots to
        talk about.  Other than his habit of glaring and growling at
        Secretary Meese, he seems to be all I can ask for in a judicial
        Our investigations into his past, while showing several large gaps
        in his personal history during his formative years, have painted a
        portrait of a normalcy.  His sexual history is ordinary for a man of
        his age, culminating in his current obsession with Jamie Lee Curtis.
        His financial history is an open book -- he's broke.  And when asked
        about prior involvement with drugs, he said he couldn't remember
        [Smiles at camera] Well, you've heard me gab enough; I think it's
        time for you to meet my administration's latest -- and, I'm sure,
        last! -- Supreme Court nominee.  [He stands up, and the camera zooms
        back slowly and to the right, so that there Reagan occupies the left
        half of the screen].  My fellow Americans... Judge Moriarty Wapner.
[Reagan turns, expectantly, to the right.  Nothing happens].
VOICE OFFSTAGE:  [Hushed]  Pssst!
REAGAN: [A bit peeved]  What *is* it, Elliot?  Where's Judge Wapner?
[Elliot Abrahms walks into the right half of the screen.  His suit is
 rumpled; his hair is mussed and his tie is loosened.  His normally shifty
 eyes are somewhat bugged out].
ABRAHMS:  Well, uh, sir, perhaps we should discuss this privately...
REAGAN: [Quite cross, now] Well, it's too late for that, Elliot!  We're on
        camera right now. [points to viewer].  This is live TV; not like
        "Death Valley Days".  [Anecdotal tone returns... begins to gaze into
        space].  We shot that on film and in the old Warner studio lot...
        even the Borax mule train... [snaps out of it] So where is he?!
ABRAHMS: [clearly nervous] Well, sir, you know that female panda the Chinese
        government sent us?
REAGAN: [Confused] Panda?  Why did they send us a panda?  We already have
        two pandas.  A boy panda and a girl panda... [looks offstage] Right,
ABRAHMS: Well, sir, the old female panda in the National Zoo wasn't, uh,
         much interested in, uh, mating...
REAGAN: [looks wistful] Just like me and Jane... [a purse flies from
        offstage and barely misses him, startling him out of his mood; his
        gaze returns to Abrahms] Well, uh, I've always said that abstinence
        is the best method for safe sex...
ABRAHMS: Yes, sir, and I'm sure the country is behind you on that.  But, as
        you may remember, we requested that the Chinese government send a
        more... enthusiastic... replacement for Ling-Ling; and when they
        finally complied and flew one over, we decided to keep it in the
        East Room of the White House until it's cage was ready at the zoo.
REAGAN: [thoughtfully] I *thought* that mess I cleaned up yesterday was too
        big to be Liberty's... [returns to impatient frown] But what does
        this have to do with Judge Moriarty Wapner?
ABRAHMS: [again, looking nervously at camera] Well, uh, sir, he seems to
        have locked Secretary Meese and Senator Helms from North Carolina in
        the East room with the panda.
REAGAN: [surprised]  My goodness... Is that dangerous?
ABRAHMS: [licks lips] Well, normally no, sir, but he covered them both with
        the panda aphrodisiac the Chinese sent before locking them in.
REAGAN:  Did he give them anything to protect themselves with?
ABRAHMS: Uh, not really sir.  He did give Senator Helms a pack of cigarettes
        before sending him in -- said something to the effect that due to
        his tobacco subsidies, he'd be able to share a smoke with the
        panda... afterwards.
[A door opens offstage and footsteps are heard approaching the camera]
VOICE OFFSTAGE: So *there* you are, Abrahms!  Secretary Meese was just
                calling for you.
[Man appears from stage right, and stops next to Abrahms.  He is 5' 8",
 clean-shaven and wearing a black judicial robe which barely conceal a pair
 of Earth Shoes beneath its hem.  Dark sunglasses cover much of his face,
 and he wears a baseball cap with a "Bakshi Studios" logo on it.  A holster
 winds around his midriff, holding a rubber throwing mallet in a leather
ABRAHMS: [almost stuttering]  Calling ME, Judge Wapner?
JUDGE MW: [grins] Guess so -- tough to tell, since it was more of a low,
          deep-throated moan...  You'd better go see what he wants...
ABRAHMS: [visibly girding his loins]  Yessir... [departs stage right].
REAGAN: [curiously] I wonder if Ed's all right?  Elliot said you locked Ed
        and Senator Helms in with the panda.
JUDGE MW: [appears shocked] What?  I guess Elliot wasn't listening again...
          Ed and Jesse wanted to see the animal for themselves.  I just
          stuck around to keep an eye on them, but then I remembered this
REAGAN: [visibly brightening]: Oh, I figured it must be something like
        that... You'd be amazed how people get messages confused in an
        organization this large...
JUDGE MW: I'm sure I would.  Say, why don't you go and visit the panda
          yourself?  I'll stay here and wrap up this telecast, while you go
          and play with her...  she's very affectionate, and panda's are
          remarkable animals.  Did you know that a female panda exerts
          500,000 lbs. of pressure between her legs when mating?
REAGAN: [looks fascinated] Why, I had no idea!  That's just like you --
        thinking of others first.  I'll leave you you to finish this up...
        [grins] ...Mr. Supreme Court Justice!  [Walks off, stage left.  Door
        is heard closing].
JUDGE MW: [looking visibly relieved] Whew!  Glad the Joy Boy is gone...
          [sits down behind presidential desk; leans back and puts shoes
          Well, I guess it had to happen sometime.  Someone would be stupid
          enough to recommend me for a position where I would have some
          control over the country.
[Takes sunglasses off and stares intently at camera]
          Not that I'm going to stay on the Supreme Court bench for long --
          I don't share the spotlight with anyone, especially a bunch of
          sobersides legal beagles.  I'm a representative of Justice and
          Good Taste, not the law; I figure I'll just stick around until
          Reagan gets out of office and The Next Guy can nominate someone
          who's qualified and not out in Right Field, if you know what I
          mean.  Other than blackmailing state legislatures into ratifying
          the E.R.A., and locking Bill Rehnquist in a broom closet, I
          haven't got much planned.
          Besides, you don't want some ozone-sucking fringe dweller up there
          on the bench -- you want someone who's reasonable, fair-minded and
          knows the law.  Which, sorry to say, I'm not.  However, I got
          caught up in the big "Channeling" craze that's sweeping the more
          gonzo parts of the country -- the ability to let long-dead
          personalities talk through you, at weekend rates -- and I think
          I've found a decent person to stand in for me during my stint on
          the bench.  I'll say good-bye now, and "channel" in my judicial
          alter-ego for you to meet...
[The Judges eyes go blank, and the theme to "The Twilight Zone" is heard
 briefly.  Suddenly, his face relaxes into a restrained smile, and he
 straightens up, leans forward and faces the camera.]
          Hi.  William O. Douglas here...  
  If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.
                   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
                        "You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the
                         Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
                                                -- Rorschach (1985)
                                        Judge Moriarty Wapner
                                        Stupid People's Court
COMMENTS:     spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
SUBMISSIONS:  spc@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, hplsla, lbl-csam}!fluke!spc-request
DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
           necessarily represent the views of my employers.  They are 
           entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.