Filename:  p.025
Category:  Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s):  Star Trek: The Next Generation
Author(s): Seth R. Meyer

Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster:    Seth R. Meyer
Date posted: 1988 09 10 01:51:40 GMT
First date published: 1988 09 10 01:51:40 GMT

Collector: Chuan K. Chee
Date collected: 1988 09 10
Date reformatted: 1990 01 08

Deposited on system:
Date deposited:
Accessed by:

The following material has been may have been altered by:
	(1) removing header and trailer (.sigs)
	(2) fitting it in 72 columns
	(3) correcting obvious spelling mistakes
	(4) removing page feeds
        Chuan K. Chee

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               -----------------------------------------------



            	       S  T  A  R
                        	  T  R  E  K
	                The Next Generation

      			    Episode 25

       		    The Pre-season Motion Picture

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
                           by Seth Meyer
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 1:  [Space]

Female Communications Officer, McKee:  This is Starbase 12 calling
	USS Hyundi.  Come in.
            
Captain YWUDSH:  Thizzz izz Captainzz TWUDSH ofzz the USzzSzz Hyundi.

McKee:  Can you clear up the interference on your end?  We're
	receiving a lot of static.

YWUDSH:  No szztatic.  All of uszz fromzz the planet Har-donzz
	zzzspeak like thiszzz...

Mckee:  I see.  What iszz...err..is your current status?

YWUDSH:  We arezz tracking an objectzz traveling at warp szzzeven
	headingzzz: 183.2...

Mckee:  And what do scanners indicate?

YWUDSH:  Szzzome type of plaszzzma energy.  The readingszzz are offzzz
	the szzcale!  All attemptzzzs at communicatingzz with it have
	beenzzz fu... [Red Alert Klaxon] ...wezzz are underz attack!

Mckee:  Lt. Lemoine; External view!

[Picture appears on viewscreen of USS Hyundi disintergrating]

Mckee:  Oh my Lord!

Lemoine:  Sir, that object is on a direct course for... [drumroll]
	Earth!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 2:  [USS Enterprise - turbolift en route to bridge]

Crusher:  ...and so I am to be transferred immediately.

Picard:  I see.  So you and the boy will be leaving...

Crusher:  err...no...he can stay.  [turbolift doors open as Picard
	steps out]  Listen, I've got to pack, so...I'll see you later.
	Bye!  [turbolift doors shut]

Picard:  What the devil!?

Laforge:  [jumping up and down]  I can see!  I can see!

Picard:  Will!  Explain!

Riker:  [grinning]  Respectfully speaking, sir, it was Data's idea.

Picard:  Data?

Data:  Well, it was Troi who felt it...

Picard:   Troi...

Troi:  Well, sir.  It was chief engineer 22, Lt. Fergurson, who
	figured out that...

Picard:  [Once again, yelling at the ceiling]  Lt. Fergurson, this is
	Captain Picard.

Fergurson:  [intercom]  <>

Picard:  Will *someone* tell me what the devil is going on!??

Wesley:  I simply took off them silver eye things and he could see.
	It really was no tribble a'tall.

Picard:  

Worf:  Sir, emergency message from starbase 12.

Picard:  [surprised]  Worf!  There you are!  I thought you had
	disappeared! 

Worf:  [sarcastically]  Just getting in my two lines for this episode
	*now*, sir.

Picard:  Very good.  Open frequencies.

Worf:  Sir.  It's a message.  Not a phone call.

Picard:  Ah...yes... Didn't you already get in your two lines?...

Admiral Boyardee:  [on viewscreen]  An emergency situation has arisen.
	An alien object with incredible destructive power is headed
	for Earth... 

Riker:  He's an admiral?  [grins] I thought he was a federation chef?

Admiral Boyardee:  [on viewscreen]  ...less than 96 hours from...

Picard:  Best there was, Number 1.  He made croissants absolutely
	manifique! 

Admiral Boyardee:  [on viewscreen]  ...any action you see fit to
	divert whatever it is from its present heading.  This
	mission... 

Riker:  [grinning]  I also heard he was into pasta.

Admiral Boyardee:  [on viewscreen]  ...you will be joined by an
	experienced Admiral who...

Picard:  Ah, this is true, but nothing top Lt. Cmdr. Spaghetti-O's
	recipe for pasta with luscious sauce.

Riker:  [grinning] Agreed.

Admiral Boyardee:  [on viewscreen]  ...perate, and follow her orders.

Data:  But why send a vessel with over 500 civilians not to mention the...

Picard:  Shhh!

Admiral Boyardee:  [still hanging loose on the viewscreen]  ...you all
	the best of luck.  Admiral Boyardee out.

[viewscreen darkens, and stars are visible throughout space]

Picard:  Plot a course to 154.93 mark 5.

Geordi:  That would lead us to the Universe Plaza/Mall!  I hear
	they're having a great sale on Dilithium Coffee and...

Picard:  No, Geordi.  I want you to go to Starbase 12 at warp 8, as
	per our orders.

Geordi:  Plotted and ready.  [his hand mysteriously levitating over
	the one button that will send them into warp speed]

Picard:  Engage.

WawawawawaWWWWOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 3:  [outside Starbase 12]

Data:  Captain, the USS Toyota is alongside us and wishes to dock.
	The admiral to accompany us is on board.

Troi:  Ohhh what a feeling!...

Picard:  See to it!

Data:  Blech!

[All bridge crew looks at Data]

Data:  Blurch!...Belch!  [Suddenly notices that he's being looked at]

Riker:  [grinning as usual]  Mr. Data, what are you doing?

Data:  Burping sir.  Another one of your useless human processes I am
	trying to emulate.

[All on bridge giggle except Picard and Worf]

Data:  Berch!  [Pauses, tilts head, stands up and faces Captain
	Picard]  Do I have it right, sir?

Picard:  Unfortunately, Data, yes.  You see, it's not publically
	acceptable.  When people are ...

Female Admiral:  [intercom] <>

Picard:  [Looking at ceiling]  Yes!  Of course!  By all means!

Female Admiral:  [intercom]  <>

Data:  Blurp!

Female Admiral:  <>

Picard:  [yelling at ceiling]  Yes!  Of course!  By all means!  Picard
	out!

[All look at Data, then start to laugh.  Data simply looks, and tilts
 head like a dog trying to understand something]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 4:  [Main Bridge]

[Turbolift doors open]

Data:  Admiral on the bridge.

[Picard, Riker, Data, Geordi, Worf, and especially Wesley stare at
 Admiral]

Picard:  W-w-welcome aboard admiral...err...

Female Admiral:  Admiral Saavik, Captain Picard.  [gesturing towards
	Picard's chair]  If you will now...

Picard:  [moving to Riker's seat, and thus knocking him to the floor]
	Oh...yes...of course...by all means... 

Admiral Saavik:  Geordi, plot a course to the Sirius star system for
	interception of the alien.

Worf:  [mumbling]  A Vulcan would pick "Sirius" as the place to go.

Saavik:  [to Worf] I am only half Vulcan.

Troi:  I am only half Betazed.

Riker:  [grinning from floor]  It seems like I only have half a brain!

Data:  I sometimes feel half human.

Wesley:  A part of me just grew to half a foot.  [grins slyly and
	raises eyebrows at Saavik]

Saavik:  [In control of her emotions]  Geordi.  Are coordinates set?

Geordi:  Aye, sir.

Saavik:  Since we know nothing of this unknown, first detach saucer
	section.

Geordi:  Aye.

Saavik:  Very good.  Proceed.  [Turns to Wesley]  Wesley, come with
	me.   Lets teach you some discipline.

[Both enter turbolift]

Picard:  I hope she has better luck than I have.

Riker:  Sorry sir, but he's my responsibility.

Picard:  Of course, Number One.

Riker:  Sir, about that...

Picard:  The responsibility?

Riker:  [grins]  No... The 'Number One' bit.

Picard:  Explain.

Riker:  Well, since I am second in command, shouldn't I be called
	'Number Two'?

Picard:  Hmm...good point.  When did you think of this?

Riker:  [still grinning]  When I was reading this magazine...

Worf:  [interrupting]  You were reading old style ammunition
	containers?  

Riker:  [still grinning]  No, Worf.  'MAD' magazine.  It mentioned
	your problem of remembering numbers.  Like the magazine said,
	remember when you ordered that V-9 for breakfast? 

Picard:  A simple slip of the tongue, Number Two.

Riker:  So that would make you Number One.

Picard:  Yes, I suppose so.  But consider this:  Our mail might get
	mixed up.

Riker:  [grinning]  Good point.  We'd better leave it the way it is.

Worf:   Hmmmpf...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 4:  [In turbolift]

Saavik:  Holodeck.

[Turbolift starts up]

Saavik:  [Noticing Wesley staring at her communicator]  You seem very
	interested in something.  Care to tell me what's on your mind?

Wesley:  I...I...I'd like to...[licks upper lip]...umm...

[turbolift doors open and they exit]

Saavik:  I see.  How old do you think I am?

Wesley:  Err...well...eighteen?

Saavik:  [places fingers of her right hand on Wesley's face in a
	mindmeld]  I see...

[They walk to holodeck five]

Saavik:  [to computer]  Holodeck status.

Computer:  Holodeck is unoccupied...

Saavik:  Good.  I would like a...

Computer:  occupied...

Saavik:  Didn't you just say...

Computer:  unoccupied.

Saavik:  Right.  I would like a bedroom setting...

Computer:  Nationality?

Saavik:  Vulcan.

Computer:  Mirrors?		Saavik:  Overhead.

Computer:  Mattress firmness?	Saavik:  Hard.

Computer:  Bed-type?		Saavik:  Adjustable.

Computer:  Brand?		Saavik:  Craftmatic Adjustables XVI.

Computer:  Carpeting?		Saavik:  Affermative.

Computer:  Carpet color?	Saavik:  Black.

Computer:  Dresser drawers?	Saavik:  None.

Computer:  Lighting?		Saavik:  Dim.

Computer:  Wallpaper?		Saavik:  None.

Computer:  Wall color?		Saavik:  White.

		[Five minutes later...]

Computer:  Background music?	Saavik:  "Blood Fever" by the Seven
					Year Itch.

Computer:  Protection?		Saavik:  None.

Computer:  Program set.

Voice inside Holodeck Five:  AAIIIEEEeeee***...

Computer:  Enter when ready.

[Saavik goes inside, followed by a wide-eyed Wesley]

Computer:  ...when ready.

[Saavik sits on the bed as Wesley stands in front of her]

Saavik:  Wesley...I am over five times your age...

Wesley:  [smiling]  Uh-huh.

Saavik:  ...and knowing this makes no difference to you?

Wesley:  [smiling]  No, sir.

[Saavik signals Wesley to sit next to her, and he does immediately]

Saavik:  Let me explain something.  Vulcans are supposed to act
	emotionless...

Wesley:  Yeah...so?..

[Saavik places her hand behind Wesley's head and gently strokes his
 hair]
 
Saavik:  ...except when we engage in all-out sex.  Vulcans have found
	humans...shall we say...a most fascinating companion.  Humans,
	though quite emotional, have an appeal that you could only
	classify as exotic. The marriage of Sarek and Amanda is built
	on this sexual attraction.  [She tilts Wesley's head up to
	her] 

Wesley:  [swallowing the lump in his throat]  Have you ever
	done...y'know...a human?

Saavik:  Let me put it to you his way.  I'll show you what David
	Marcus taught me.

Wesley:  Who? oommpphh!  [Saavik kisses Wesley long and hard]
	mmmmm...

[doors open to holodeck]

Crusher:  What are you doing to my son!?  Get away from him you pointy
	eared...

[Saavik pinches her shoulder and Dr. Crusher collapses]

Wesley:  Good.  Let her sleep.

Saavik:  She's not sleeping.  That was my Vulcan Death Grip.  She
	startled me.

Wesley:  There's no such thing!

Saavik:  There is, when you're also half Romulan.

[They kiss again, and rip each others clothes off]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 5:  [Battle Bridge]

Picard:  Captain's log, supplemental.  With the strange alien object
	less than two days from earth, we hope that whatever it is
	inside, can reason the way we do.  We expect to be in visual
	with the creature in appoximately two lines.

Data:  Sir.  The creature is within visual.

Picard:  Very good.  On viewer.

Geordi:  It's shooting off radio waves.

Data:  Interesting...my instruments didn't pick up any radio waves.

Geordi:  No, Data...I can see them.

Riker:  [grinning]  Geordi.  I thought you got rid of those.

[Turbolift doors open as Wesley and Saavik enter the bridge, smoking
 cigarettes] 

Geordi:  Yeah, but y'know...I've been thinking...I have nothing now to
	complain about...nothing to talk about, ever since I took off
	those silver eye things.

Picard:  Riker, what do you make of this probe.

Riker:  [the grin temporarily disappears]  Permission to speak freely,
	sir.  

Picard:  Always, Number One.

Riker:  Jean Luc, you bald reject look-alike for "Daddy Warbucks!"
	You chicken-crud, stupid loser who can't even get laid with
	Dr. Crusher, even when she mysteriously, for some reason
	beyond anyone's imagination, is hot for your pot-belly, double
	chinned body!  I'm not even going to touch this hobby of yours
	of some so called 'poet' from way back when.  You are such a... 

Picard:  Riker...

Riker:  Sir?

Picard:  The probe?

Riker:  Unknown, sir.

[a bright light fills the battle bridge, and...]

Q:  You pitiful humans.  Haven't you figured out who *I* really am?

Riker:  [once again, grinning]  Trelayne?

Q:  No, stupid!

Worf:  A stupid ass who should be fed to Romulan Bloodworms after
	being slowly dipped into HCl to eat away at his measly skin.

Q:  Mildly creative, microbrain, but wrong.

Troi:  A pitiful, sick, lonely man, desperately needing serious
	psychiatric help.

Q:   No, no, no.

Geordi:  David Copperfield?

Q:  No you dumb excuse for a...

Picard:  Q!

Q:  Yes, mon capitan?

Picard:  I got it!  I got it!  You *are* Q!

Q:  No, you dumb look-alike for Mr. Clean!  I'm someone much different
	and more powerful...

Wesley:  You are the resulting creature from the combination of
	Commander William Decker, Lt. Illia, and the old earth probe,
	Voyager 6. 

Picard:  Stupid!  Ridiculous!

Riker:  [grinning]  Sorry sir.  He's my responsibility.  Wesley, shut
	up.  

Q:  How...how did you...*you* know? 

Crew:  Huh?

Wesley:  I recognized those radio signals your probe was emitting.  It
	was rather simple, after I recognized their origin from the
	20th century. 

Data:  [raises eyebrow]  Intriguing.  [Notices he raised eyebrow and
	repeats action]  Very intriguing!

Picard:  So what do you want?

Q:  Let me tell you a story which occurred over 80 years ago...

[Story of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, ommitted]

Q:          ...and being like this is driving me crazy.

Troi:  Speaking of crazy, I have an appointment to keep.  [exits]

Picard:  Let me get this straight.  You want to be an emotionless
	machine-like entity like before?

Q:  [mimicing Captain's tone]  No...I want to be rid of this form.  I
	can change my clothes or my hair, but I am stuck looking like
	this.  My powers are therefore restricted.

Riker:  [grins]  You want a face lift?

Q:  No, you reject from a Marvel comic book...you grinning
	baffoon...you..

Wesley:  He wants to simply exist without form or pattern...like
	energy.  He wants to evolve.  He is asking "Is this all that I
	am, is there nothing more?"  He wants to become a god.

Q:  Fantastic!  Bravo!  Wes, there's hope for you yet!  [Looks at rest
	of crew]  I've got to leave now.  There are preperations to be
	made.  I shall return shortly.  Here's a token of my...shall I
	say... compassionate self...

[A bright light fills the bridge, and Q disappears.  Standing in his
 place is...]

Yar:  Where?  Who?  Get away you black wad of tar...huh?!?

Bridge crew:  Yar!

Picard:  Yar!  Come with me.  [Yar and Picard exit]

[Bridge crew stares as they leave.]

Saavik:  Back to your stations.  Damage report.

Worf:  No damage to the ship.

Saavik:  Data, status report.

Data:  The Q entity has disappeared from all scanners but radio
	patterns continuing.

Saavik:  Where's the source.

Data:  The probe, sir.

Saavik:  On audio.

Radio:  [Music blasts through the bridge]  "Lets do the time warp
	again...lets do the time warp again...its just a..."

Saavik:                            ...audio off!

Riker:  [grinning, raises eyebrow]  Music?

Data:  Yes sir.  However...Inquiry:  'Time Warp' in the 20th century?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 6:  [Picard and Yar outside of holodeck five]

Picard:  Computer.  Program number 6.

Computer:  Program set.  Enter when ready.

[Picard and Yar step through doors into a garden of beautiful flowers,
 a small stream, trees, as birds are heard in the 'distance' through
 holodeck speakers]

Picard:  [faces Yar]  Wh..how...how do you feel?

Yar:  Fine sir.  Why?

Picard:  What do you remember?

Yar:  I was attacked by Armus, and then I...I...

Picard:  Yar...you died.  In fact, you've been dead for three months
	now.  You were revived by Q.

Yar:  But...I...

Picard:  In fact, we played your holodeck farewell and everything.

Yar:  [blushing]  But that's impossible!  I couldn't have been dead!

Picard:  ...even the writer's strike has ended.

Yar:  It can be!  [starts to cry]  Sorry sir...I'm just...

Picard:  [holds Yar]  It's alright Tasha...Captain's new rule:  crying
	is now permitted after being resurrected by an alien being
	when in the holodeck with the Captain alone in a program 6
	setting. 

Yar:    Thank you sir.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 7:  [Troi's Office]

Lt. Goober:  ...and I don't feel needed.

Troi:  I see...

Lt. Goober:  ...so like... what's my purpose here?  I mean there are
	84 other chief engineers on this ship.  What do they need me
	for.

Troi:  I feel anger.

Lt. Goober:  *You* feel anger?  Imagine how *I* feel?!?

Troi:  I meant...

Lt. Goober:  And then there's that Wesley kid...

Troi:  The boy?

Lt. Goober:  ...yeah.  He knows more than I do about this ship.

Troi:  Well...

Lt. Goober:  So what's your diagnosis doc?

Troi:  You don't feel needed.  Your confidence is unnecessarily low.
	We have over 1000 people on this ship and you were one of the
	chosen few to be responsible for the lives of the civilians.
	Their safety is in your hands, and there are others who depend
	on your knowledge of the ship.  Besides that, you are a very
	intelligent, good-looking man. 

Lt. Goober:  Thanks Troi.

Troi:  If you ever feel that way, remember that you *are* special.
	Same time next week.

Lt. Goober:  Yeah, and thanks.

Troi:  Bye.  [sits back]

[door beeps]

Troi:  Enter.

Lt. Binkley:  Hi Troi.  May I speak with you.

Troi:  Yes.  Please sit.

Lt. Binkley:  Troi, it's my wife...

Troi:  Again?

Lt. Binkley:  Again.  You see, she is acting like such an immature ..

Picard:  [over intercom]  <>

Troi:  Michael, I suggest you and your wife talk things through,
	without arguing.  Go with her to the holodeck.  I recommend
	program 69.  All your arguments stem from some repressed
	feeling you both feel.  You really both do love each other.
	If you can't talk it out, set up an appointment with me later
	today. 

Lt. Binkley:  Thanks again.  [exits]

[Troi stands up, pushes a few buttons by her computer for no real
 reason followed by a few 'beeps' and then proceeds to the battle
 bridge.]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 8:  [Battle Bridge]

[Entire bridge crew present, as Troi enters from turbolift]

Troi:  Yar!  When?  How? 

Yar:  Troi!  [They embrace]

Saavik:  Now that we are all here, I'd like to speak to you all.  This
	"Q" character is evidently the source of this alien probe
	hurtling at Earth.  It is now six hours from the planet.

Picard:  We must wait until Q reappears.

[bright light fills bridge again]

Q:  You call Captain Stubbing?

Riker:  [still grinning]  Wow!

Picard:  Q!  We demand that you tell us what you and that probe want
	from us.

Q:  I come here, restore your pitiful security chief, and you demand
	me to explain to you why.  Tsk, tsk.

Yar:  Captain, let me shoot him with my phaser.  One good shot between
	his...

Saavik:  Quiet!  All of you.  [looks around]  Now, Q, what is it you
	want from us.

Q:  I wish to join with one of you pitiful humans.  I tried [points to
	Riker] to join with Riker, but he stupidly refused.  I need
	one human more.  If none of you assist me, I will destroy the
	Earth with my probe.

[dramatic music]

Saavik:  I will go.

Picard:  Admiral, don't!  You don't know what...

Saavik:  As my mentor once said:  "The needs of the many, outweigh the
	needs of the few...or the one."

Q:  How very touching, but you are not human.

Saavik:  I am half hu...well...half...no...ummm

Wesley:  Gee!  You are old!  Vulcan Senility!

Q:  Would *you* Wesley, like to come with me?

Wesley:  Aww...I'm just a kid...

Q:  Here...[waves hand]  now you are older.

Wesley:  AUGH! [collapses]

Data:  Intriguing...warp puberty!

Q:  [blushing]  Whoops!  Forgot about making those lungs of Wes' older
	too... [waves hand and cures Wesley]

Voice:  I'll go!

[All turn around and see...]

Lt. Goober:  I'll go.

Troi:  No, Goober, don't...

Lt. Goober:  I *am* special Troi.  Think about all of those lives I'll
	be saving.  I'll also be helping Q...  Remember...the needs of
	the many, outweigh the needs of the one.

Q:  Very good.  Take my hand Goober [he does] close your eyes, tap
	your shoes together, and say "there's no place like home..."

Lt. Goober:  There's no place like home...

[They vanish]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue 1:  [Battle Bridge]

Picard:  [sighs and cups hands together]  Well, now that that's over,
	Admiral, we can drop you off at Vulcan in about...

Saavik:  Thank you but I will be returning to Earth for some study.

Picard:  Very good.  Thank you, Admiral.

Saavik:  Live long and prosper.  [exits through turbolift doors]

Data:  scratch, scribble, floop...fling.

[All look at Data]

Data:  Foop, scritch, crick...flick.  [notices bridge crew looking at
	him.]

Riker:  [grinning]  What are you doing?

Data:  Picking my nose and flinging it at the viewscreen... [bridge
	crew cringes except Worf and Yar] ...another of your human
	habits I am trying to duplicate.

Picard:  Data, that is revolting!

Data:  Ah, but many humans do it.  I studied Geordi looking at the
	full color spectrum of his own.  And do you realize how many
	of you look inside the tissue after you blow your nose into
	it...and when...

Crew:  ...Data!

Picard:  

Yar:  Starbase 12 calling.  They want to know about casualties.

Picard:  One revived and two casualties.  Dr. Beverly Crusher, and Lt.
	Goober. 

Yar:  Aye sir.

Picard:  Correction.  [All look at Picard]  ...nah, nevermind.
	Geordi.  Set heading 218.9 mark 6.  Lets get hooked up with
	the saucer section at starbase 12.

Geordi:  two, one, eight, point, nine, mark, six.

Picard:  Engage.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue 2:  [Battle Bridge]

Yar:  Sir, since we are two point five days from starbase 12, I think
	I need some rest.

Picard:  Understood.  You deserve some rest, Lt.

Yar:  Thank you, sir.  [enters turbolift]  Deck 5.

Turbolift computer:  Error!  Error!

Yar:  Deck 5... NOW!  [Kicks computer with a powerful side kick]

[turbolift starts up....]

Computer:  Deck Five.  [turbolift slows]

Yar:  I can finally get some sleep... 

[Doors open to a scene of space]

Yar:  Oh no!  The saucer sec.....

[as her screams die in the vacuum of space]

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Epilogue 3:  {Finale}  [Picards quarters]

Picard:  [yawns]  Stupid, that Lt. Goober.    Ah well...  And
	Q's exit...heh..."No place like home..."  Heh, heh...
	"No pla-a..."   [Picard sleeps] 

Picard:  Did that lady hurt you Jou-Jou?

Jou-Jou:  [wagging tail]  Woof!  Wimper!

Picard:  Mummee!  Mummee!

Mummee:  Ah Jean-Luc...my pet...what troubles you, my son?

Picard:  My......Ms. Crusher...she...hurt Jou-Jou.

Mummee:  Don't let her bother you.

Picard:  But...

Mummee:  No buts...now go to bed.

Picard:  Oh...[goes to his bedroom]  Jou-Jou...I surrender.  We've got
	to run away...far away!  [leaves through window, but trips and
	passes out...when he comes to..]

Picard:  ooohhh...[rubbing head]  Jou-Jou...I don't think we're in
	France anymore...

Voices:  Hee hee hee hee hee!

Picard:  Who!?  What the devil?

Voices:  Hee hee hee hee hee!

 

Picard:  Who?  What?

Troi:  Do not be alarmed.  Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Picard:  Huh?  What?

Troi:  I feel confusion...

Picard:  I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. Enterprise.

Troi:  So are you a good or bad witch?

Picard:  I'm not a witch at all.  I'm a captain.

Voices:  Hee hee hee hee!

Picard:  Who is that?

Troi:  Those are the Ferengi of Ferengiland.  You killed the bad witch
	of the southeast, when your ship fell out of the sky and
	landed on her. 

Picard:  Yar!?

Troi:  There she is, and there she'll stay.

Picard:  Huh...oh, yes.  But she's so beautiful...  Anyway,
	anyone know the  way back to France?

Voice:  We will help you...for a price!

Picard:  Here then!  My communicator... Pure gold!

Voice:  Very good Cap-i-tan Pee-card!  Of help we can only say this:
	Follow the Dilithium Road!

[explosion...screams....smoke]

Crusher:  Who killed my sister?  [points to Picard]  Was it you!?

Picard:  I guess so...

Crusher:  I'll inject you with penolithoscopazine you!!!

Troi:  You have no power here.  By the way...aren't you forgetting
	something?  

Crusher:  Ah, yes!  The magical padded breasts.  Ahhh...[walks over to
	Yar's body]  Huh!?  They're gone!  Give them back to me or
	I'll... 

Troi:  [Pointing to Picard's chest]  There they are and there they'll
	stay.

Picard:  Ooooo!  Kinky!

[Suddenly, a bright light fills the area, and when everything
 clears...]

Picard:  Everyone's gone!  Hmmm...[scratches head]...follow the
	dilithium road...follow the dilithium road...but do I go left
	or right?...north or south?...

Riker:  [grinning]  North.

Picard:  You!  What are you doing here?

Riker:  [grinning]  I want to come with you to see the wizard.

Picard:  Explain!

Riker:  [:-)] Well...	Though its really not a sin,
			My problem is this grin,
			That's always on my face.
			If for once, I can frown,
			And stop looking like a clown,
			I could finally feel in place.
			Oh I'm, a ghastly sight,
			In darkness or in light.
			I seem to wear this stupid grin all night.
			I've tried to stop....with all my might.
			Though I once had Q's great gifts
			My grin would just persist,
			And wouldn't cease, you see...
			I've had it when I was aged zero,
			Through the time I played a hero
			From a comic, by Stan Lee...
			
Picard:  Make it so.

Riker:  [still grinning]  Why are you going to see the wizard anyway?

Picard:  How did you know that I was going to see a wizard, anyway?

Riker:  [grinning]  You're following the dilithium road, right?

Picard:  Oh...yeah...err...

Riker:  [grinning]  So why are you going to see the wizard?

Picard:  I have to get back to France.

Riker:  [grinning]  That's the only reason?

Picard:  Well...	I guess there's no denying,
			I'm just a dandelion,
			A fate I don't deserve.
			Although I am the captain
			And the crew respects my actions
			I just simply lost my nerve.
			Oh I, cannot stop bitchin'
			Over the fact, I'm really chicken.
			In a crises you'll find me a wreck.
			And I have this fear, of the holodeck...

[smoke fills the area, and when it clears]

Geordi:  Who is that?

Picard:  You too!?

Geordi:  Where are you going?

Riker:  [grinning]  We're going to see the wizard...

Geordi:  Can I come?

Riker:  [one side of the grin drops a bit] Hmmmm...

Picard:  What's the problem?

Geordi:  		I think the problem simply
			For everyone else to see
			This banana clip on my head...
			For without it, I'd be blind
			I would go out of my mind,
			And I'd soon enough be dead.
			Oh I, wish I could see,
			And stop getting sympathy.
			Though I act like I'm the only one from Earth
			Who's been blind, right from birth.

Riker:  [grinning again]  I think there would be no problem with you
	coming with us.

Picard:  Make it so.

[flash of lightning]

Picard:  [blinded]  ARG!  Where?  Who?  Oh no...not you too!

Data:  Hello.

Picard:  What's your problem?

Data:  I'm an android.

Riker:  [grinning]  A machine.

Data:  Technically, yes.  However, I am much more advanced.  I am
	basically alive.  I eat, sleep, think and excrete unwanted
	materials. If you prick me...do I not...bleak?

Geordi:  Bleak?

Riker:  [grinning]  Leak?

Picard:  Oh no...[turns to camara in a kind of Garry Schandling
	maneuver]  If you think Data said "bleak", dial 1-900-22BLEAK. 
	If you think he said "leak", dial 1-900-222-LEAK.  If you
	don't know, dial 1-900-DONT-KNOW.  If you don't care, dial
	1-900-DONT-CARE.  [Turns to Data]  So what do you want from
	the wizard?

Data:  Well...		I would not be such a dip.
			My head all full of chips.
			The state that I am in...
			If you think I have it made,
			Just because I got laid,
			I would trade it to be human.
			Oh I, can tell you why...
			The planets in quadrent twenty-three,
			Have not a single mark that you can see,
			Beacuse I am, just a machine.
			You may find this very sick
			The complexity of my d...

Picard:  Data!  Well,  come with us.

[switch to the point of view of Crusher...]

Crusher:  So they think they can escape my wrath!?  Hmmm...tribbles
	will put them to sleep...sleep...

[smoke, as scene returns to Picard & Co.]

Picard:  Look!  The Dilithium City!  Lets run!

Riker:  [grinning] Yes!  Lets!

[All run]

Data:  Ah...look...Tribbles! (Yawn)

Riker:  [grinning]  Cute!  But......zzzzzzzzzzz

Picard:  Look!  Its raining iso-linear chips!  Maybe that'll help!

[flash of lightning]

Image of Worf:  I am the great and powerful Wizard of Trek!  What do
	*YOU* want?

Picard:  I surrender!

Data:  Sir, why is that curtain moving?

Image of Worf:  Pay no attention to that curtain!  I am the..

[Data slides over curtain to reveal...]

Wesley:   ...great and powerful Wizard of Trek...Uh ohh...

Riker:  [grinning]  I feel like its my responsibility, sir.

Picard:  But he can't possibly help us.

Geordi:  Who can?

Wesley:  My creator...your creator...all of ours.

All:  Who?

Picard:  Who?  Who?  [everything fades] ...huh!?  What the devil?
	[wakes up, realizing that he's in his quarters on his ship]
	Oh...dumb dream... [falls asleep again]

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	TTTTT   H   H   EEEEE         EEEEE   N   N   DDDD    !!
	  T     H   H   E             E       NN  N   D   D   !!
	  T     HHHHH   EEE           EEE     N N N   D   D   !!
	  T     H   H   E             E       N  NN   D   D   
	  T     H   H   EEEEE         EEEEE   N   N   DDDD    !!

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Thanks goes out to those of you who asked for more, and those of you
who helped me edit and add ideas to this parody, especially shoopak &
pearl, both @topaz.RUTGERS.EDU.