Away from Home

today i woke up in leerwarden. i am almost getting accustomed to this. waking up at a different place twice a week. i have been in amsterdam, rosendaal, breda, groeningen, rotterdam, antwerp (belgium). a different city every day.

it's raining today. i look outside and i see the grey sky and the trees. not a soul in the streets. i am alone here now. all i have to do is think. think is a bad thing for my soul today. i remember my cats and my dog. i remember my mother. the fight we had the day before i left buenos aires. she says you wont come back and i will be here all alone. i got mad at her for her lack of faith in me. i should have left holland on saturday. i decided to stay longer to sort my emotions out. the future looks vague today. yesterday i was "officially" introduced to roy's mother. (hey, he even kissed me in front of her *grin*). we have been asking each other questions about the future. do we have a future together? suddently i feel deeply sad. i find it hard to think that he wont be part of my life anymore. i think i am falling in love. (yeah..he looks at me with those eyes and i melt).

i have been regretting my trip. i am having the time of my life. i have met in real ppl that i have known on line for years. they all made me feel at home. but relationships are a different thing. how can you let someone go after you found you have so much in common? not anymore late breakfasts for us?? never again a walk at night by the river? no more hugs? no more waking up in the middle of the night just to find out that he is still there holding me?? should i let it all go?? i am crying now. maybe i should have gone on saturday. the more i stay the harder it will be to say goodbye. and i know roy feels the same way.

driving on the highway at midnight last night. he says "the woman with whom i want to share my life will have to handle all my accounts cuz i am a mess. she should remind me of every pending bill and debt i have". i laugh (beautiful sight in the highway. city lights as a background. we listen to U2 on the cd player). i smile and he says "do you think you can handle my accounts?" i say i think i can. he says "the position is yours". we both laugh. i cant stop crying now. should i let it all go?

i think i will go for a walk now. since its raining no one will notice that my tears.

© copyright, 1999, Flavia Dzodan
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