Ode To Sam
First, there is just a feeling. No thoughts. No sense of self, not yet. Just warmth and softness. A feeling of swimming without even being able to move yet. Floating in moist warmth that is perfectly comforting.
Little by little different things start to happen. There is a very rythmic, but also comforting sound. It's relaxing, this sound. But then you begin to notice that sometimes there are other sounds. These only happen once in a while, these other sounds. Like deep slow music. One of these is louder, closer than the others. In some way it reminds you of the rythmic one that is always surrounding you. It feels as if it's part of you, this music, this voice. You like it. You get excited when you hear it. Sometimes it even makes you try to push yourself closer to it.
You push... With what? What are these? You can feel things with them! They were always there, weren't they? How neat! To touch. Such excitement! To feel. Your nose. Your body. Even the soft moistness that you live in can be felt as you push at it in your excitement. But it's difficult, this pushing and touching. You listen to the deep soft rythm and you sleep.
Your home is getting smaller. The warm softness that surrounds you is holding you tighter. Closer. Sometimes things make you uncomfortable. They push at you. You push back. There's no room anymore to swim. You roll over and listen to the rythmic beating. Letting it lull you back to sleep. The voices feel good to you now. They relax you too. They're familiar. They're family. Sometimes you can hear different ones. But the familiar ones are always there too. You are not alone.
You realize that this warm softness has color! Another new thing! When you open your eyes... something's different! There are shapes. Curves and colors that have surrounded you all this time finally coming into focus. Oh, there's so much you can do now! Look! These must be the things you push with! You feel the urge to do something. The excitement in you is bubbling up inside of you. Trying to get out. But you don't know how to let it out yet. Instead you kick and push and wiggle as much as you can to let it out.
The voice soothes you. You feel something pushing back at you. Gently. Relaxing you. Deep musical voices speak to you as you drift off to sleep again. Tired, you to forget what is was you were trying to do.
Suddenly things feel very tight. You push. The warmth pushes back. Squeezing you. It stops. But then it squeezes you again. Urgently. You're moving. Sliding down through the soft curves. Is this what you wanted to do? You can feel other things surrounding you now. Some of them are hard. You can hear new voices too. The tightness is very tiring. You let it push you. Move you. Following it, you slide through the hard places.
Something is very different! Your face feels cold. What's this? New shapes, and some of them move! New colors that are so bright you have to squeeze you eyes shut again - this is different! But the tightness is still there. It's squeezing you again. The soft moist warmth is leaving! Suddenly you are cold all over. You NEED that soft warmth! You miss it! And you scream!
!...YES! This is what you needed to do! You scream and you scream! You NEED! You're being moved. Pushed. Poked. You scream because this is not what you want. You scream until you're too tired. Then you realize that you're warm again. It's not the soft warmth that you want. You want the voice. You want the rythmic sound. To exhausted to cry anymore, you sleep... wanting.
You wake up. And something's not right. You cry for something. You cry because things are different. You cry because you can. You are being moved again, and you cry. Your body is feeling empty, and you cry. You're cold. You cry louder. Can't they hear you?
Suddenly, you're moved onto something soft again! It is somehow... familiar. And there's the voice! Oh, such happiness! You squirm and wiggle, trying to get closer. How you missed her! The softness. The warmth. Something slips into your mouth. It's soft and warm too. You can hear that rythmic sound again.
...And you taste! It is sweet. It is warm. It is very good. It gets rid of that empty feeling.You take it in. All you can. You like this new thing! She is here. Her voice is louder, clearer, but oh so familiar and relaxing. And the other voice is too. How you missed these things! You can feel soft gentle pushes and pats on your body. These are different. They feel good. You need. You swallow more sweetness. You taste. You touch. You hear. You see. And you sleep. Everything is better.They heard you. They are here for you. She is here.
With love, G
© copyright, 1998, Gareth Bramley