Consoling Barbara after her new house purchase

(Editor's note: Before reading this piece, an explanation might be necessary for readers who have never been on the Socks list. I can't cook, a lack of skill which other members gently point out to me. :-)


That is NOT a kitchen. It is a "front room." That thingie which people have suggested is a stove is, in reality, merely a horizontal fireplace with top vents. The refrigerator is that thing you put the Perrier, white wine and leftover Chinese into at home. You do NOT need to know whether the little light stays on. The food does NOT care. That maple-wood thing on the counter is actually an unfinished chess/Go/backgammon board. You need to have someone come in and paint the requisite playing surface on it. If you are lucky, it is in a parquet pattern and already usable for chess.

You may hear someone use the filthy French phrase "batterie de cuisine" when referring to this room. Do NOT be alarmed. This is merely a highfalutin' way of referring to the power cells which your portable telephone requires when you order in dinner. There are some cruel people who will tell you that the shiny, stainless steel well off to one side is a "sink," which may be used to wash dishes. Who washes paper plates? PSHAW! Others will opine that this object may be used to hold a pot or pan while it is filled with water for boiling. (YES, Barbara, water WILL boil if sufficient heat is applied for sufficient duration. You have neither the patience nor the expertise required, so do NOT try this at home.)

Then there is the so-called "dishwasher" which you may also have, although it is not evident in the photographs. As you well know, the only proper use of this object is to warm plates for the delivered food. (No sense letting good, hot D'Agostino chicken sit on a cold plate, right?)

I was also aghast to spy a purported "barbecue grill" on the deck. This is NEVER used for food preparation. It makes an excellent planter. It may, on occasion, serve as a holding place for snacks. The cover will keep them dry in the rain.

I hope that this explanation will allay your fears concerning this room.

© copyright, 1999, Peter Prunka
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