Transitory Thoughts

All day I have been sitting here writing a long letter to the list. I wanted to talk about motherhood, actually the myths of motherhood, but had to take a break and be a mother to a young man who woke up in my house with terrible back pains and refused to be mothered by me. His parents are abroad and won't see a doctor till his father, a doctor, returns tomorrow. Wednesday he has to report to the army for basic training. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. My daughter is at his place now, being Florence Nightingale. The child of a working mother still has not figured out how to convert ingredients to palatable food. Brunch was corn flakes. Dinner is still in the planning stage.

I wanted to talk about our hypocrisy about sex. I carefully avoided reading the Starr Report but heard enough on the radio. I was thinking that the word "sucks" is a great example of hypocrisy. I mean, if a lover sucks it is pleasurable (so I have heard) but that's not the only way the word is used. If a woman sucks, can a man love her? (Does that say something about societies attitude to women? Does that mean that many men use sex to humiliate women? )

I wanted to say something about biology and destiny and culture and tradition because I stayed up too late last night, watching this fantastic Chinese film about a woman that makes sesame oil (sorry, I don't know the name in English). it's just too complicated and painful. Maybe some other time.

I wanted to talk about the cinema because all of the sudden I have seen a lot of good films. Know how it is when you get older? You have seen it all, seen so much, it's hard to find something that really moves you. Maybe I'm growing young again. Or maybe it was just a lucky week. I saw "The Big Lewbovski" (sp?), on connait la chanson (french sp?), in the cinema, and saw "Smoke" and "Pulp Fiction" again on cable. And the Chinese film of course.

I wanted to talk about growing older, and the fact that the HD in my head needs reformatting or optimising because more and more files are getting corrupted, mainly the names-of-people files. Getting a larger and faster HD are out of the question, but I wonder if anyone knows a way to get Norton Utilities to work on the human platform.

I wanted to talk about solitude. Partly forced on me, partly my choice. What an intricate and liberating experience it is to take a cold, long look into yourself.

I wanted to talk about what's going on in my life. I'm still looking for a way to write it down, in a way that will sound real. Maybe this is what the message is all about. I can write and write and write and write. It's still nothing like my life. Just a few transitory thoughts.

© copyright, 1998, Shoshana Cohen
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