Darcy was getting sick of the Love Wars on Pink. She slammed the door to her apartment underneath the pink rocks of the gaseous planet and threw her laser destroyer on the ground. That destroyer could be reprogrammed into a real weapon, but instead it spewed gas to make men fall in love with Astra, Pink's leader. Spurned by Zor, Astra went nuts, and Darcy was getting disgusted.
She went over to her Egg computer. A formula she created enabled her to see everything in the universe by just looking into the Egg. "Hey, Egg."
"Hey, Dar. How you doin'? Look inside my brain, baby."
"You just tempt me because you know I need you," she smiled. Egg exploded her mind, and she was able to relax.
There were real wars out there. There were also real men out there. She wanted to spend the day as a real warrior and then come home to a munitions factory worker who would make her body smile.
The planet Pink was invented when some astronaut from Earth thought she was being humorous by bringing her daughter's Barbie Doll into space, but then lost it in a space walk. It floated into deep space, got mixed up with an exploding star, and the color of Barbie's pink bathing suit ended up permeating every fucking thing on the planet.
She had to get out of there.
He clutched again at his temples, trying to wring an idea from the emptiness he felt inside.
"Germans...mathematics...asteroids...hemorrhoids...hemorraghic fever...Ya give me fever...gimme shelter...Rolling Stones...gathering moss...Moss Hart...Kitty Carlisle...Hotel Carlisle....that was SOME night...Night of the Living Dead..." That was how he felt - a member of the living dead. Ever since she drowned, falling into the open toilet, it had not been the same. His mathematics stank, his hemorrhoids were worse, he hated "rotten-roll" and he couldn't go near a Broadway play. He only knew that, somehow, he must bring her back.3. Charles
He also knew that the toilet, that toilet, was far more than a mere toilet (or, as some might have it, an inferior bidet). And he knew that Darcy was not gone. For he too had fallen into that open toilet and..
...time stretched like taffy elongating endlessly, long attenuated strands stretching, stretching, separating, losing touch with each other, vibrating like tuning forks, each strand breaking into strands and stretching ... and he was there dancing like a star in the spaces in between...
in many ways it reminded him of that Marilyn Manson Concert he'd taken too much acid at.
The toilet was a rip in time and space ..
When he woke up he was on an entirely different planet.. but the internal emptiness persisted .. and he knew he must bring Darcy back. He spent several days figuring out where he was, and who he was on his new planet. His name, strangely (but conveniently for the narrator) was "He", he was an astronomer and he was on planet Ken. He sat at his telescope, idly scratched between his legs, felt a certain lack of anatomical correctness and cursed the day he had landed on planet Ken. Sure, it was the sister (brother?) planet of planet Barbie, but the cost of landing on it had been high.
Apparently the process of transmutation to planet Ken had taken him through the dread 'Faret' zone, which completely emasculated He -- a circumcision taken far to far. Still, he could see planet Barbie, through it's pink chiffon atmosphere and he knew that Darcy was there.
"He" was a man with a mission, two really. He had to find Darcy. He had to regain his masculinity. He had to return to Earth.
OK, three missions..
He wondered how Darcy was doing..
Darcy, bored, looked into her Egg...
She saw He.
It was in another time though, a few years ago when they were together, when He was called Zor. Zor had been an honourable man, a man of true standards. Let's face it, to have been able to resist the wiles of the all-powerful Astra, even surrounded by the Pink gas; well that was quite an achievement of self control.
Darcy's vision blurred for a few moments (okay, probably about 30 minutes), as she slitted her eyes, looking out through her thick dark lashes, falling into a world of hot sweaty fantasy. Her mouth dropped slightly open and her breathing changed as she remembered his wondrous masculinity, smiling slyly to herself as she noted mentally that he, the one and only Zor, had wanted her, but not Astra. She allowed her body to remember, felt his rippling muscles under her fingertips as he carefully lifted her onto the bed and pleasured her every nerve ending. She could taste the sweat. She could smell his aftershave. She could feel his hot, throbbing...
ahem, well... Darcy quickly opened her eyes and shook her head to clear those thoughts from her mind. She decided that this form of thought, the yearning for a man whom she would never see again, was all for naught and not particularly good for her. But that word "throbbing", well, it kinda lingered there, attempting to overtake all...
Meanwhile, back on Planet Ken, He was browsing through a travel magazine, trying to decide which path He should take through the galaxies to get back in Darcy's (somewhat voluptuous) company. He flipped through to page 68 and saw a brightly coloured advertisement for a specially priced trip to Planet Prostheticus.
Only 600 dunaps!!
His mind went crazy immediately; the hand flew back to his crotch and rested with a sense of uselessness in the empty heatlessness there.
'Maybe that emasculating experience in the Faret Zone was actually a blessing!?' he thought excitedly to himself, 'Now I can choose just the right size, width, angle... the possibilities are endless!! And Darcy will never want to dive into a toilet again!"
He quickly realised that 31 August was upon him already, and that He had exactly three minutes to make that booking before the day was ended (days on Planet Ken were approximately 9.5 Earth hours), or all hope would be lost.
He leapt from his seat and stumbled clumsily over various oddly shaped furnishings (with sharp corners designed to hurt when stumbled over). After bumping his head rather savagely on the large marble dog which stood proudly with one paw raised in the middle of the living room (he still wondered who must have put it there - one day he'd arrived home from work and there it was, but these were not questions which should be asked on Planet Ken, so he'd never discovered the answers), He then grabbed the Telecommunications Device from inside the carefully temperature controlled Telecommunications Oven (he never knew why the device had to be preheated, but again, it was a question which should not be asked) and proceeded to dial the number listed in the advertisement - 555-PROSTHETICUS.
His heart began to beat rather too rapidly and He felt a sharp pain in his left arm as He realised with a dark feeling deep inside that the voice He was hearing was a recording, and that He had been placed on hold. He struggled to retain consciousness while He waited, watching the seconds disappear on the digital clock which had been implanted on the inside of his left eyelid.
The little green lights played havoc with his mind. It seemed as though those seconds were passing far too quickly, almost in unison with his runaway heart beat...
Standing in the great hall of the spaceport, waiting for the transport ship Starship 21ZNA9 to open for boarding, He was finally feeling relaxed. Soon his precious manhood would be restored, and he would find a way to recover sweet Darcy as well. Then they could get the hell out of this bizarre sector of space/time. Right now wouldn't be too soon for He.
"Starship 21ZNA9 now boarding. Attention. Starship 21ZNA9 now boarding."
Ah, finally! Now things were starting to track. It wouldn't be long (well, it *would* be long -- He would be adamant about it) now before everything fell into place. He was so confident that he was actually humming a tune, "closer" by NIN, on his way into the belly of the mammoth craft. The thrumming of the XJ10 series Hyperdrive built by MZ Industries was discordant with his bit of huming, but he was too pleased with how things were going to care.
Liftoff was just spectacular, though it was a shame this older Starship class cruiser didn't have more windows -- He had trouble seeing the world Ken drop away like the unwanted pile of dirt that it was. He did manage to catch a fleeting glimpse of the pinkish planet Barbie, where his beloved Darcy would be found, before the ship kicked into hyperdrive.
He hadn't realized just how tedious space travel could be. It would be another two days before reaching Planet Prostheticus. The usual spaceline magazine was more ridiculous advertising than interesting reading. I mean, who could afford 10,000 dunaps for a Magna-subspace-phone? And the per minute access charges! Who would you find to talk to for crying out loud? Putting the ezine tablet back into its berth, he decided to take a nap to pass the time. He was falling into a dream... A dream of being with Darcy on a dew sparkling grassy gnoll. Yes, falling, falling...
He woke with a start! He *was* falling! He had forgotton to strap himself in and now was falling/floating in zero-g! Something was terribly wrong if the artificial gravity was on the blink. Before He could even begin to register the possibilities rationally, he noticed the general pandemonium around him. People were screaming and flailing in the null g. He grimaced, thinking "Oh, shit! Something very wrong indeed." He was scanning the cabin for an attendant when suddenly the ship was wracked by an explosion.
The lights went out, triggering the gloomy glow of the emergency system and the irritating sound of warning klaxons. He thought, finally, to look out a window to see what was happening.
Good Lord! The sight of the Pouncer class frigate sent a cold chill down his spine. This could only mean that the ship managed to wander into the protectorate zone of the Catmandians. Their war with the Doggerians, those Dogs of Doggeria, was causing great havoc in the interspatial shipping lanes. Now his hopes would be quashed because of these petty planets fighting like cats and dogs! Damned inconsiderate of 'em. Damned inconvenient.
The ship shuddered again, and He could hear muffled clanking. Wondering what was happening now, he started to push off the bulkhead towards the aft hatch. Before he could, however, the klaxons stopped -- everyone stopped -- as a trooper from the planet Catmandoo marched into the confusion of the cabin.
Clearing his throat in the still silence, the Catmandian Trooper looked around, fixing each entity in turn with a evaluative eye.
"Greetings. I am Lt. Bad Cat of the Pouncer class frigate HMS Noko Marie, enforcing the protectorate zone under aegis of planet Catmandoo," the feline officer announced. Then Lt. Bad Cat continued, "On behalf of Catmandoo and Queen Diana, I welcome you. Please follow the sergeant to the Noko Marie, where your indoctrination will begin. We know that you will be happy serving the Catmandian Empire."
As the lieutenant was speaking, a burly figure moved into view. This must be the sargeant they were to follow, thought He. Great. Just Great. How was he supposed to recover his manhood and Darcy now? Much less get back home. Worse, however, was his trepidation based on the rumors that all Catmandian slaves were given tail transplants. He shuddered. While He was whining to himself, the sargeant stepped forward.
"OK, folks. Collect y'selfs and follow me," said the sargeant.
As the 217 sentient beings aboard the 21ZNA9 began to assemble in the lounge, straggling in from their cabins where the PA system had relayed the lieutenant's speech, the sergeant's lower jaw began to drop.
"Lootenant!" he bellowed after the officer, who had set off to return to the Noko Marie.
Bad Cat spun in his tracks, glared at the sergeant, then, as he followed the NCO's pointing paw, his whiskers began to twitch uncontrollably. He returned to the sergeant's side.
"Gimps!" hissed the sergeant. "A whole shipload of gimps!"
Indeed, nearly every one of the 217 passengers exhibited some severe infirmity or deformity. Bad Cat narrowed his eyes. His whiskers continued to twitch. The fur at the nape of his neck began to rise. He had a really bad feeling about this.
"Get me the flight plan," he said, very quietly, to the sergeant, who passed the order on to a nearby corporal.
Moments later, while the crowd milled about (to the best of each being's ability) uncertainly, the ship's papers were produced. The lieutenant stared at them, did a double-take, stared again, as his stomach began to sink, and that really bad feeling became a serious case of the screaming willies. His tail drooped. His knees turned to rubber. The Catmandian Empire had just expended over 150 million friskies waylaying the wrong ship. Bad Cat's ass, along with the furry hindquarters of the rest of the officers of the Noko Marie, was grass.
Their orders had been to capture a shipload of hormonally overcharged vacationers enroute to Prophylactica, planet of a trillion sensual (and safe) ecstasies. Instead, they had pounced on 217 of the sorriest cases in several galaxies.
Lieutenant Bad Cat coughed up a hairball. No way it could be covered up. What to do now?
"What to do? What to do?!" Bad Cat thought.
"What iN tHe NAME OF DIANA'S HUMUNGOUS HANDS AM I GONNA DOOOO?!!, this last question being inadvertently shrieked aloud, though it wound up sounding more like "Pfft-pfffft-rEoww-MROWW-PFFFFT-MEEERROWWWW!" to the all the poor invalids who were close enough to witness this confusing and frightening display. It was about to get worse.
Being completely oblivious to his own mental meltdown, Lieutenant Bad Cat sank even further into his own bottomless pit of feline-schizophrenia. [He immediately dropped to all fours.] Bad Cat's meltdown was understandable enough. [His whiskers started twitching as if they were being pulled by hundreds of tiny fleas in hundreds of different directions at once.] The stress had been incredible lately. [His claws splayed out, his back arched.] This damn war was enough to drive any self-respecting feline over the edge. [His back arching even higher, he started pulling-tearing at the curiously infuriating lime green pile carpeting that ran between the rows of seats.] And with this latest catastrophe, he could well imagine what his Queen would have in store for him. [Like a switch had been hit, Bad Cat immediately stopped clawing the carpeting and crouched flat to floor, head darting from side to side.] There was only one punishment left to officers who made mistakes of this magnitude... Immediate transfer to the Doggerian Kennel Prisons! [Bad Cat's head froze, his ears went flat against his skull.] Left to endure, and even clean up the constantly piddled on barracks after, those idiotic tail-chasing-leg-humping-wastes of fur for the REST OF HIS 9 LIVES! Oh, it was too much! He simply couldn't bear the thought. Bad Cat went completely nuts.
His Sergeant was aghast. Never before had he seen such a complete and total loss of the (up till now) legendary Catmandian dignity. His CO was swiping his great claws at the passengers. Tearing up the carpet as he darted this way and that. Looking for all the world like he was desperately trying to kill a whole swarm of imaginary butterflies. At one point, slipping in his own ill-placed hairball, his left claw got quite stuck in the cushioning of an unwary seat cushion. He yanked and pulled, snarling louder and louder still. As if someone had lit his tail on fire, Bad Cat shot up from the seat cushion, pulled a perfectly executed barrel roll along all the overhead compartments, and shot out of the ship not quite breaking the sound barrier.
In response to which the Sergeant proceeded to sit back on his haunches and groom himself.
Back on the planet Pink, Darcy had just finished a rather long and quite chilly shower. One that, annoyingly enough, had done nothing to dispel the throbbing. She had, only scant seconds before, sat down before Egg in the hopes of, somehow, catching a glimpse of He/Zor. What she saw served to send her heart into overdrive, scare the bejeezus out of her, electrify her into action and, subsequently, render her completely blind to the remainder of the display.
HE was HERE! In this very galaxy, even! AND he was about to be torn limb from limb by some bloodthirsty, crazed Catmandian. Judging from the appearance of the other poor souls on that ill-fated ship, it may already be too late!
Oh where DID she leave that DAMNED Laser Destroyer, anyway? She knew she'd thrown down somewhere around here.
"There it is!" she barked, squatting down to make some fast adjustments to the hidden adjusters in it's palm grip. Setting the transmitters to just a bit between merciless itch and unbearable filth, she dashed off into her Malibu Start-Trotter, and was gone.
She never even noticed Bad Cat's sub-sonic departure. All she knew was that she had to save He. And NOW!
Meanwhile, yet again,
Seeing the Catmandians apparent meltdowns as an opportunity, He approached the Sergeant. "Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?" He asked.
"See if I care." the Sergeant replied, immediately returning to his most urgent grooming.
Upon closing the door, He furiously started searching the various wall-panels and compartments. "AHA!" he found it. Thank god. It was all that damned toilet's fault! Well, he'd just have to go back and try again. Maybe next time he'd actually come out somewhere remotely nearer to his beloved Darcy. He placed the plunger on top of his head and got to work.
Back & forth. Up & down. Using the low lying ceiling to aid his frantic attempts, he pumped the plunger up & down, Faster & faster. Time stretched and pulled, reality twisted beyond recognition, he heard the discordant notes of some very disturbing and vaguely familiar thrash metal band, had a strange craving for a tiny piece of paper, and...
He was back.
"DAMMIT!" He shouted. "That's the problem!" seeing the toilet lid had sneakily fallen down whilst he was using the damn thing yet again.
He rushed off to find some velcro, a bit of string, and an eye bolt or two.
But at that very moment,
Darcy, full of murderous rage, was busy ramming the crap out of the Catmandian Star Cruiser. Successfully sending it spinning away into the blackness she quickly, very quickly in fact, parked her Start-Trotter against the now vacant docking port. Seeing but a few twisted forms spew from the opening, none of which looked like He, she immediately jumped from her seat and sprang to his rescue.
Diving through the portal, Laser Destroyer seeking out targets to inflict it's hideous mission upon, Darcy sees a lone Catmandian. Licking his CHOPS! THE NERVE! Oh! Did she let HIM have it! Fweeeeee-ZWAP!
At which point the Sergeant was instantly and unendurably struck with the most disgusting sense of shamefulness that he had ever encountered. His butt felt like it was both on fire AND as if it had huge giant dingleberries dangling from it at the same time. He had no control over himself. He proceeded to do the only thing left to him that might render some relief. He shucked off his pants and plopped his butt down on the carpeting and then started dragging his fiery/itchy butt up & down the length of the ship. Darcy almost thought she could hear him purring now. At least she didn't have to worry about that cat for awhile.
But where was He?
8. Wanda has a go
A horrible howling reverberated through the vessel. Every head, and other sensory appendage, turned towards the back of the vessel. The walls shimmied, once, twice, three time.
"Gott in Himel (whatever that means)" yelled Darcy, and with a sprint that would make Michael Johnson weep, she made her way towards the horrible scream. "The toilet, the toilet, it's him at the toilet, I hope the seat is down!"
She wrenched a door open just in time to see the bottom of his foot (with that cute "Property of Darcy" she'd put there that delicious night... no time for that girl, grab that foot!! Darcy, lunged forward and grabbed the foot and was, pardon the pun, plunged into the toilet with her beloved Zor.
Time, space, and their lunches whirled about them in the tidal pool of the toilet.
"Zor!" Darcy yelled. "Zor, I'm here!"
"Blbbllblbbl" came the faint reply.
She felt her body twisting and changing as they plunged into a hodgepodge of colour and shapes. She kept that mantra, Zor, Zor, Zor in her mind and kept the memory of his handsome self clear as they plummetted through the mess.
With a thump and a roll, they landed. Darcy jumped up, being a strong and able woman, a kind of warrior princess, a kind and gentle warrior princess with a really wide mean streak that sometimes came out at inopportune times, but a strong, gentle, fierce warrior princess nonetheless. Anyways, she was in shape and she jumped up. Zor was slower to rise, and shaken with sobs.
"Zor!" she cried, "Where are we?"
"Zor?" He answered. "Zor? Darcy? Darcy, is that you? Oh, my beauty, my god I have a penis!" He grasped the appendage with glee and the glee had an immediate effect. "Oh, my penis, my penis, how I missed you!" Bending down, trying to kiss his long lost friend, he wrenched his back. "Oh, to be young again," he sighed.
scene edited - proof of maturity required
Darcy pulled her Barbie ski outfit back on slowly. She smiled at Zor, who still thought he was He, and then winced, because Barbie clothes don't include underwear. Zor lay naked, playing with his penis. This disturbed Darcy some, but she decided that it was a guy thing, no pun intended, and she just let him play.
Looking about, she realized that the toilet had really done a job this time. Zor had told her about his first attempt, and she thought that maybe that had cleared the passage. She looked up at a sparkling sky.
"They say the user is out there." Shocked, Darcy jumped and grabbed for her laser destroyer, but IT HADN'T COME THROUGH! "Are you from the 'net?" She looked at the creature, all blue and muscled, and back down at Zor gleefully playing with himself.
"Uh, we're from the toilet." Darcy blushed.
"Huh, never heard of the toilet."
"It's something women sit on and men stand in front of to, uh, pee, take a leak, relieve themselves."
"Huh. Men stand to pee?"
"Yes, something about plumbing and pride, I don't really understand."
"Well, he'd best not stand here, someone will know he's from outside, they'll assume he's from the 'net. They'll call the guardians to check him for viruses. The white bloods will wipe him."
"Where are we?"
"We can't stay here, we need a toilet."
"Check out the Baudway, lots of businesses down there have toilets. Just make sure he sits." And the creature zipped away.
"Come on, Zor. We've got to get out of here. The rules will kill us, I'm pretty sure it's a cultural thing, but I don't think this place will work out for us. Can you stand?"
"Oh, Darcy! I was haunted by my loss and I sought to be renewed, and you found me and cured me." Zor smiled dreamily, still working on reacquainting himself with himself. "But, you're right, we're in trouble here. Let's find a way out. I really don't want to do the toilet thing again."
An alarm went off nearby, "Virus alert, incoming mail virus! Don't read your mail messages, virus attached. A Team away!"
"That's us!" Darcy grabbed Zor by the hand and started running. He stumbled to his feet and ran with her. A very weird gold and silver creature waved tiny arms at them.
"Come this way! Come this way!" Darcy dared and turned to follow the floater. "I will hide you for now. An old batch file that my mother used to read to me has the command for hiding files."
The creature mumbled something indistinct and smiled. "Now stand still, so that you don't bump into the troops. Stand by the building. There!" As Darcy and Zor reached the building, a crowd of buzzing creatures arrived, some tall and gangly, some short and round. They made a tremendous buzzing noise as they searched the area. Several times creatures came within a breath of our hero and heroine without noticing.
When the space had cleared, the funny creature came back. He mumbled some more, "I know an FTP command." With the secret incantation, the world blurred.
Darcy and Zor found themselves standing in a desert. Vehicles churned up the sand as they raced towards the two lost souls. One vehicle seemed to be headed, damned! no it WAS headed straight for them and NOT STOPPING!
"That old fool forgot to reverse the hidden file command, Darcy they can't see us!" Zor cried as the pair dove out of the path of the speeding jeeps.
"They're here, Captain!" one of the recent arrivals called out.
"I don't see anything, Sargeant. Check your instruments, men. Remember, take them alive! Find them, NOW!"
Darcy was glad they were invisible but realized the men must be able to hear them. She cautioned Zor to be quiet as they ran away from danger.
He is dazed. Life has been spinning out of control ever since he found that bargain flight from planet Ken. Don't take this wrong, He is very glad to be gone from planet Ken.
Darcy can see the confusion on Zor's face. First piece of business is to get out of danger though. As they slowly, quietly make their way away from the men in the jeeps He is thinking of all the things that have happened to them in the past few days.
Darcy is wracking her brain; what to do, what to do. Now she's wishing she had paid closer attention in cgi programming class.
The captain realized they are invisible and barked out "Quiet everyone!", "listen closely and find them now!". The jeeps and other activity stopped instantly. They knew heads would roll if they didn't find these two.
Darcy is still trying to figure out where they are. As they creep quietly away, she's looking for landmarks to try to figure out what part of the universe they're in. They understand the language fine but, since that was standardized a couple of centuries ago it hasn't been a big problem.
Darcy is grateful that they are in the desert, the sand is quiet to walk on. It's pretty easy to stay away from the quasi soldiers that are wandering around, listening and trying to find them. She begins to move toward a large sign that is near some large tents. It must be the headquarters of this group.
When they got close enough to the sign they saw it said "Sahara Club, annual meeting".
Hmmmm [thought Darcy]
This must be some sort of environmental group.
Her best guess is they must be on earth. She could see that Zor is still pretty confused, she motioned to him that they should move out, away from the tents.
He is beginning to get more of his memory back now. He remembers that his name was originally Zor. So, Darcy isn't calling out some other guys name, that's good.
When they got out into the desert away from the tents Darcy began to fill Zor in on a few things that she experienced. Zor's eyes popped a bit when she described the physical changes she went through on the planet Barbie. While Zor became traumatically biologically incorrect, Darcy was built like Barbie. Zor was sorry that he'd missed that but, he was very happy they were reunited.
As the two of them were bonding they realized they were hot and thirsty. Gosh, they are out here in the desert. There isn't anything around them except those whaco environmentalists. They were acting pretty strange for environmentalists too. Racing across the desert wiping out the few plants there. They'd never experienced anything like that before.
As much as they wanted to get away from there they knew their only hope is to return to the camp and find food and water. After planning a strategy and hand signals the began to move into camp. Luckily many of the club members were still out searching for them.
They carefully worked their way around the guards and into a tent. There were several people in here so, they moved into the next tent. Seems all of the tents are occupied. If they want to quench their thirst they're going to have to risk getting caught.
Darcy carefully picks up a water bottle. Just then someone saw the levitated bottle and screamed out "They're right here in the tent!!!"
"Damn it all to Hell," Darcy mumbled to herself. No, on second thought, that would probably be too good an outcome for all this. Then she did not have any time left to talk, or even to think . She found herself suddenly turning to the left and kicking the guy coming at her. ( she was a warrior princess, remember?) Then he wasn't coming at her. Then someone, or something, was charging her from the left, and she felt the air send signals that something was about to whack her in the back of the skull. She ducked, turned, honestly she wasn't sure what she did, she just let instincts take over and she seemed to be getting out of this.
Wait, where was Zor?? And why was it that lately she kept finding herself thinking that same sentence, even when he was supposed to be standing beside her? She looked around between ducking again and doing some kind of fancy twist throw thing to knock three guys off her back, and saw him standing at the back of the tent,jumping up and down and hollering something. Could he have found a toilet all the way out here, out in the middle of nowhere? She hoped they ended up someplace where she could get a drink, a shower; and that the thing had a way to keep the lid from falling down. The only way to find out would be to work her way over to where Zor was, and find out what he was screaming. She jumped over a longblade that was aimed at her knees,and then rolled to avoid the throwing knives aimed at her left ear.
Suddenly there was a blast of cold air.
Everyone in the tent froze.
"Wait, wait! Hold on, I have a Sahara Club membership card!" In the silence that accompanied the fighters frozen state, Darcy could finally hear what Zor was screaming. "What in the name of all the gods was he thinking?" she wondered as she plummeted toward the floor. One moment Darcy had been flying over a chair, arms swinging to keep her momentum going, and now here she was, plummeting toward the floor. Luckily, there was a pile of deep plush pillows 2 feet away... She closed her eyes and hoped to make it that far.
Oof. somehow, no matter how long you have been a warrior princess, you never got used to a hard fall, even if it was on a pile of pillows. She turned her head. Hmmm, she could move that. She shrugged her shoulders, twisted her wrists and wiggled her toes. Seems the fall had knocked the frost off, and she was fully functional. Surreptitiously, she looked around to find Zor. He was still jumping up and down. Not even the hard frost had stopped him. Her mind took a quick turn , and wondered what they could do with all that energy, if they ever got out of here...
But no, she needed to concentrate and figure a way out of this.
"I SAID, Hey-- I have a Sahara Club Card!" Zor's voice tore through the room, and a large--person--strode across the tent and ripped a green card out of Zor's hands. "This is a Sierra Club card, not the Sahara Club, you idiot." the --person-- said with a gravely, but intense voice. Darcy slapped her forehead with her hand. It was an old habit, something she had done forever without thinking, and she was good at it.This time, in the silence of the tent, the noise of it rang out and the --person--turned and quickly zoned in on her.
Darcy had about enough time to wonder why all the other fighters in the tent were still flat on their backs, and she and Zor seemed to have recovered quickly. Maybe, they were not on earth after all. Then she was staring at a pair of dusty desert boots. They were that dusty color everything takes on after it has been in the desert long enough. See could see where the sole on the left boot had been re-glued on. Not a very good job, they could probably use some good crafts people around here. The boots were only laced half-way up in a style that reminded Darcy of that old 90's grunge style."Oh, please tell me that we haven't landed someplace where grunge is cool," Darcy thought to herself. Just as she was about to look up and see what was beyond the boots, she felt herself being lifted straight off the floor. And she remembered that she never did get any of that water.
"Be quiet! Do you want to get us all killed?"
Darcy turned around to see the person who had pulled her aside, and would have bolted away if she had the courage.
She saw a humanoid lizard thing. She saw a humanoid lizard thing that had big sharp teeth. She saw a humanoid lizard thing with big sharp teeth and yellow reptile eyes. She saw...
"Aahz," the thing said, smiling in what she hoped was in a reassuring way.
"Aahz?" she meeped.
"No relation... to what?"
"Never mind. My partner Skeeve is trying to fetch your boyfiend. He already took care of most of the guards. I just hope Gleep doesn't get in the way."
Almost as if summoned, a small dragon, around four feet high and ten feet long, green with blue eyes and what appeared to be a drooping white mustache, bounded past Darcy and Aahz, treating the grunge guard as if he was a bowling pin.
Carrying Darcy as if she was a bag of groceries, Aahz rushed after Gleep. "Finally, that dragon comes in useful! I remember that time in the Bazaar..."
Aahz and Darcy snaked along the back alleys of the Cyber City, neon signs glaring like a bad rip-off of "Blade Runner." Too bad I lost that D-Hopper, Dimension Hopper to you lady, when we were trying to escape Queen Hemlock. From the look of things, we just escaped from a Neurocitizen. They are this cult of people who have read "Neuromancer" and the works of William Gibson one to many times, and have exhiled themself to this dimension. Skeeve, Gleep and I accidently fell thru a portal as we were trying to make a getaway from Queen Hemlock, who was itching to make Skeeve her husband.... By the way, you don't happen to have a D-Hopper on you, do you?"
"No," Darcy exclaimed. "But I have a toilet!"
Aahz wrinkled his nose.
"Who has a toilet? This guy sure needs one," a voice cried from behind them. Darcy jumped, wriggling herself from Aahz's grasp, and aimed at the voice with her Love Gun. She fired. "No!" Aahz bellowed. "That's my partner, Skeeve, you are messing with!"
Aahz knocked the gun out of Darcy's hand, but the damage was already done.
"You... you are the most beautiful woman I have -ever- seen," the gangly youth in a brown robe said. "I have never seen anyone more.... exquisite! More lovely," Skeeve continued. Skeeve, the wizard, approached Darcy slowly. Behind him, the magically levitating body of Zor the mighty, Zor the powerful, Zor the recently un-neutered, floated unconciously. Zor had just discovered he had a glass jaw, but wasn't able to appreciate this discovery. Zor, the mighty, had fallen with one punch.
Darcy, from the planet Pink, backed away. Zor, formally from the planet Ken, opened his eyes.
Aahz buried his face in his hands. "That's another fine myth you got us into," he moaned to Gleep.
"Gleep!" replied Gleep.
(Tip of the Pen to Robert Asprin and the "Myth Adventure" Series.) 12. Gareth
"Gleep!"??? What hell is "Gleep!"??? Zor wondered. He pulled his hand out of his pants (after checking just one more time that everything was still intact and in working order, that's all) and tried to roll over...
He did that just fine, but then he had a hard time stopping.
He found himself quite amazed at the fact that he seemed, for all intensive purposes, to be flying! Only at the moment he really wasn't getting anywhere except really really dizzy. He flailed his arms trying to get some sense of balance back into this latest weirdness his life had become.
Darcy was slowly backing away from some sort of really disgusting, well let's just say it, skeevey creature that seemed to be utterly twitterpated with her at the moment.
"Oooh, you just look SO scrumptious! I just wanna lick your earlobes and nibble under your toenails for all eternity!" the skeevey one was saying.
Darcy did not appear to want to participate in anything of the sort. Zor found himself getting a serious case of the willies just thinking about it at all.
He finally managed to stop spinning but was left lying on his back... well, sort of, as much as one could be said to be lying on their back when floating four feet off the ground anyway. So he just did the first thing that came to mind... he started doing the backstroke.
Skeeve continued to woo fair Darcy with "Mmmm. And I bet your belly button is just to die for! Say, would you mind too terribly much if I nuzzled it just for a week or so? I REALLY like nuzzling belly buttons! Mmmm!"
Aahz took his face from his hands and said "Now, Skeeve. Just calm down. Please, try to show some decorum..." which was exactly whem he abrubtly fell down.
Zor, now crazily windmilling his arms in an effort to save Darcy, had managed to not only disarm Aahz by grabbing his sabre as one of his randomly swinging arms just happened to get lucky on it's way by, but also managed to knock said Aahz senseless on that same arm's next pass. After which, Zor was quite surprised to see, either a very large and ugly dog or just a small green dragon (?!!) jump over to lick his victim's snout. He wasted no time trying to figure it out. None of this was making any damned sense ayway.
He reached Darcy just ahead of the lovesick, and seriously skeevey lookin one and...
What? He didn't have a clue as to what the heck to do here! It was as if some huge brain-blinding force had just cut him off from "reality" all together! (No pun intended.) And no matter how he racked he brains he couldn't think of a single thing... about anything!
And it was at that precise moment that an unbelievably huge block of stone fell from the sky and with uncanny accuracy squished the skeevey one flatter than a cheap Diner's pancake.
Darcy just looked at Zor and said: "Writer's block, it'll get ya every time."
"Gleep!" replied Gleep.
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