DOWN (Dining Out With Nerds) report: 10,000 BC

“Let’s go see The Bank Job! It has Jason Statham! The Transporter!”

Nooo! We wanna see the woolly mammoths!

“Jason Statham is cool! And he does great fight scenes!”

Nooo! We wanna see the cave men!

“Jason Statham is a manly man! And there will be babes!”

Nooo! We wanna see the pyramids catch fire!

Well. We went to see 10,000 BC. Talk about suckage. Major, giant, howling suckage. If you ever have a swimming pool or small lake that you need drained right freaking now, just throw in the DVD of this movie and the suckage will go FWOOMP and solve your problem. It’s like they wrote it for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Matt would have strangled himself halfway through the movie if he were there.

The plot sucked. The dialog sucked. The bad guys were caricatures. (How come the bad guys are always hook-nosed Jews Arabs Semites Aztecs?) The magic sucked. The Sign... “sucked” don’t begin to describe it. The scenery was pretty nice, the woolly mammoths looked fairly believable. I can’t figure out who this movie was made for. The thing sucked too badly for adults. Kids? About 40 people plus a woolly mammoth got killed in the movie, mostly by being impaled on sharp pointy things (although with almost no blood). Doesn’t sound like a kid movie to me. (Although, in favor of the made-for-kids theme, all the people were killed by other people instead of by the Noble Animals, except for some bad guys who got trampled exactly as they deserved. Oh, and the rocs/giant killer ostriches killed a few people, but they may have been the most amusing part of the movie.)

I’m willing to overlook a lot, considering that most movies are supposed to be entertainment. For example, this was wildly historically inaccurate, but okay. It’s not trying to be a documentary, it’s a quest movie. The Tribe of the Good Guys speaks British-accented English? Okay, they have to speak something, and subtitles don’t really enhance the experience. The Babes of the Tribe of the Good Guys are the only people that don’t have s**t on them? (On her. There’s only one babe.) Well, it’s a movie. But all in all, this movie asked way too much.

Jason Statham would have kicked this movie’s ass. Thoroughly. Repeatedly. Deservedly.