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Complaints about my hate page!

I'm shocked, SHOCKED! at this onslaught of stinging criticism! And saddened. If enough of yous keep complaining I'll take the page down. THEN you'll be sorry!! Then you won't have the "Jens Johansson — what I hate about rock keybaord solos" page to kick around anymore!!!

Letter 1

From: Xxxxxxxxs@aol.com
Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 23:27:55 EDT
Subject: You're "I hate..." page.
To: jens@panix.com
X-Mailer: AOL 4.0 for Windows 95 sub 214

You're a great player. Heck, you kept up with Yngwie and did a convincing job of sounding like him. That alone merits praise. I think you may have gone a little overboard with your "I hate" list though. Although you did affront that everything you stated was your opinion, you made it sound crude, like you're the shit or something. If I ever hear you keep up with Holdsworth or his keyboard player, I'll retract all of this.

When I listen to Heavy Machinery, this is what I think:
*God, Allan rules.
*The songwriting sucks.
*Umm, hello? Melody? This is like wanna-be fusion.
*The drumming really sucks.
*The productions really sucks.
*Why play the bass on your keyboard??? The bass lines were thoughtless!

The only song that even sounds like a song is "Macrowaves", which was just a bunch of sus chords moving all over. Having Allan play on it made it worth while though; at least he contributed some substance.

It seems to me that the young, newbile shredders are always the ones with the nitpickey opinions about stupid stuff, like using a pitch wheel or what patches are and aren't good to use. The mature instrumentalist seems to be the one who always has nice things to say, and when voicing his opinion, does so in a thoughtful way - not a crass rant.

Anyway, all this was just my opinion.

Xxxxx

Reply 1


Hey, you know what I REALLY hate? People typing "you're" when they mean "your". ;)

On 23:27 1999/05/19 EDT, you wrote:

> You're a great player. Heck, you kept up with Yngwie and did a convincing
> job of sounding like him. That alone merits praise.

Why thanks for the kind words! (I think?) We both did a somewhat convincing job of sounding like Uli on amphetamines.

> I think you may have
> gone a little overboard with your "I hate" list though. Although you did
> affront that everything you stated was your opinion, you made it sound crude,
> like you're the shit or something.

If I didn't believe that I was "the shit" in some way, I would never dare to make records. I don't quite know how to break this news to you, but in brief, this is sort of how the world of art works, I'm afraid.

(This might be surprising, but I've *only* gotten positive feedback from that page (until now!), that's why I left it up! I'm not lying to you now. Originally, I just intended for it to be up for a few days.)

> If I ever hear you keep up with
> Holdsworth or his keyboard player, I'll retract all of this.

Not likely!

> When I listen to Heavy Machinery, this is what I think:
> *God, Allan rules.
> *The songwriting sucks.
> *Umm, hello? Melody? This is like wanna-be fusion.
> *The drumming really sucks.
> *The productions really sucks.
> *Why play the bass on your keyboard??? The bass lines were thoughtless!

Awwwwww, let me guess, you're a musician too! No kidding! The not-crass-enough rant sort of gives it away.

Well, if I had the time to review your music, my review would probably be more intelligent, funnier, and perhaps even grammatically correct -- and a *lot* more crass, if the music is anything like your written English. Ba-da-bish!!

I could answer with the tired old "opinions are like assholes.." but what's the point. You're probably 100% correct, that IS probably what you think when you listen to HM. Sorry! I can't help that!

But you're on to something -- you will never become a Living Legend (the only sort worth becoming) unless you have strong and definite opinions, and the ability to form them quickly. But in all fairness, a bit of musical talent will come in handy as well, if you have the guts to stick it out...

> The only song that even sounds like a song is "Macrowaves", which was just a
> bunch of sus chords moving all over.

(And in a sense, the above sentence is just a bunch of letters stuck together. And of course, a human being is just a collection of particles)

> Having Allan play on it made it worth
> while though; at least he contributed some substance.

Well, I'm happy you understood or liked the record on some level! (I think?)

I even more fervently hope you PAID for the record and didn't get a tape copy!?! :)

I agree with you all the way on Allan. He's wonderful, a genius in the proper sense of the word. I'm not worthy of doing his dishes!!

> It seems to me that the young, newbile shredders are always the ones with the
> nitpickey opinions about stupid stuff, like using a pitch wheel or what
> patches are and aren't good to use.

I think you're wrong. At least as far as I'm concerned, I *never* ever see this discussed in regards to keyboards. Sadly enough. Hence the page.

Have you even *heard* some of the shite that passes for keyboard solos these days!??!

[ "nubile, adj. 1. Ready for marriage; of a marriageable age or condition. Used of young women. 2. Sexually mature and attractive. Used of young women." Hmm, maybe you know something I don't. Where the hell do these nubile keyboard shredders hang out? And where the hell were they before I got married!! It sounds like they need my immediate assistance, in picking their nits. ]

> The mature instrumentalist seems to be
> the one who always has nice things to say, and when voicing his opinion, does
> so in a thoughtful way - not a crass rant.

I KNOW you're completely wrong here. Some of the most acrid, bitter (and funny!) rants and complaints (about other musicians, about music, about instruments, about technology, about production, about the business, etc) I've ever heard were from mature instrumentalists. Albeit not publicly. Except for Yngwie, of course. I'm not going to drop names, but I imagine you'd be very surprised at the quick and very mean wit of top-level performers that are more mellow in public.. no surprise, they usually have strong and definite opinions, and the ability to form them quickly -- verbally and musically.

I wholly agree with you in regards to crass rants from talentless nobodies. They're no fun at all!

Letter 2

X-Sender: xxx@xxxx.xxxxxx.net
X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.1
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 1999 09:47:35 -0500
To: jens@panix.com
From: x x x <xxx@xxxxxx.xxxxxx.net>
Subject: your list of "what sucks"
X-Status:

friend of mine forwarded me to your page on keyboard playing. i don't find it rude, i find it moronic. it might come across better if you put in a disclaimer saying that most of these clauses only apply to playing prog-metal leads... without that, this list just makes you look like an idiot. i'd like to see how you'd fare in a room full of 20th century composers and claimed that polytonality (a century-old technique that you refer to as "playing in the wrong scale") isn't valid... or in front of aphex twin saying that patches shouldn't contain frequencies above 8kHz because it doesn't sound like a "real instrument"... or at a P-Funk fan convention claiming that the mod wheel should never be used... open up your head a little bit, G.

xxx

Reply 2


Dear x x x, thank you for your mail. Because your opinion is of so much value and interest to me, I have pondered it deeply. I hope you will hear me out on this somewhat lengthy reply. OK, here goes. I came to the following conclusions. In your email, the character ' ' appeared 122 times. The character 't' appeared 56 times. The character 'e' appeared 55 times. The character 'o' appeared 52 times. The character 'i' appeared 47 times. The character 'a' appeared 45 times. The character 'n' appeared 43 times. The character 'l' appeared 29 times. The character 's' appeared 29 times. The character 'r' appeared 28 times. The character 'u' appeared 24 times. The character 'd' appeared 24 times. The character 'h' appeared 21 times. The character 'y' appeared 18 times. The character 'c' appeared 17 times. The character '.' appeared 16 times. The character 'f' appeared 15 times. The character 'm' appeared 15 times. The character 'p' appeared 14 times. The character 'g' appeared 10 times. The character 'k' appeared 8 times. The character 'b' appeared 7 times. The character ''' appeared 6 times. The character 'w' appeared 6 times. The character 'v' appeared 4 times. The character '"' appeared 4 times. The character ',' appeared 3 times. The character '-' appeared 3 times. The character 'q' appeared 2 times. The character '(' appeared 1 time. The character 'j' appeared 1 time. The character 'F' appeared 1 time. The character '0' appeared 1 time. The character '2' appeared 1 time. The character 'G' appeared 1 time. The character ')' appeared 1 time. The character 'P' appeared 1 time. The character '8' appeared 1 time. The character 'x' appeared 1 time. The character 'H' appeared 1 time. The character 'z' appeared 1 time.

Have a nice day now, you hear! :)

On Thu, 8 Jul 1999, x x x wrote:

> friend of mine forwarded me to your page on keyboard playing. i don't find
> it rude, i find it moronic. it might come across better if you put in a
> disclaimer saying that most of these clauses only apply to playing
> prog-metal leads... without that, this list just makes you look like an
> idiot. i'd like to see how you'd fare in a room full of 20th century
> composers and claimed that polytonality (a century-old technique that you
> refer to as "playing in the wrong scale") isn't valid... or in front of
> aphex twin saying that patches shouldn't contain frequencies above 8kHz
> because it doesn't sound like a "real instrument"... or at a P-Funk fan
> convention claiming that the mod wheel should never be used... open up your
> head a little bit, G.
>
> xxx
>

Jens. <jens@panix.com> (http://www.panix.com/~jens/)

Conclusion

I have not been convinced the "cons" with the page in question outweigh the "pros". I will let the "keyboard techniques I hate" page remain on the server. I still believe I have a right to express an opinion publically (which right, I admit, neither of these people questioned..) about this, especially a strong opinion so helpful in letting me sound like myself!!


Page updated Jul 13, 1999 at 01:36 Email: jens@panix.com

All content copyright © Jens Johansson 2017. No unathorized duplication, copying, mirroring, archival, or redistribution/retransmission allowed! Any offensively categorical statements passed off as facts herein should only be construed as my very opinionated opinions.