Mood: Ready to Go
Music: Brazen, Skunk Anansi
Game: World of Warcraft
Book: We Were Soldiers Once...And Young, Moore and Galloway
Muffin: Blueberry Blueberry
On Wednesday morning, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one of those since I left Modem Media. I probably should have suspected that such a thing was in the making, because a few days ago, I was mentioning to Adam that I was pretty stressed out, and I could feel the acid in my stomach. Something that hasn't happened to me since Hong Kong/Tokyo.
Now, my panic attacks aren't exactly "grab a gun and rampage" or shriek and fling myself about. They're more about getting very quiet, heart pounding, and hyperventilating. Usually, these are triggered when I feel like I'm losing control of my surroundings. Not in a control freak kind of way, but in a very real "I can't affect what's going to happen to me" and I lose faith that I'm on the right path.
Fortunately, I've been through them before, and I put myself into rational mode, and walked myself through what I was going to do. The financial stuff is the financial stuff, and I'll sort that out with some help from my mom, who, as always, bails me out when I get stupid. She just puts me on a plan, I follow said plan, and we get back on track. Takes me some time, but I get there. And I'm also going to destroy my credit cards, because, frankly, I can't handle having that much credit. It destroys me. So I'm gonna get rid of 'em, and we'll see how that works.
But that, my friends, was only part of it. The other part was the feeling that I was going in the wrong direction at work. So, I took Wednesday to take a step back, focus on what I needed to accomplish, and figure out how I was going to accomplish it.
Took me 5-6 hours, and I refined it throughout the day as I thought more about it.
When I got to where I'm working, I promised the partners that I could effect change within their organization. I have made significant change in a lot of areas...but what I was really tasked with doing was to get hands around the construction process, and reign in some of the costs by providing accurate visibility on a regular basis. The infrastructural stuff, the methodologies, the thinking...that all happened anyway. Now it's the doing.
I've been largely held back from doing this by a combination of factors. First, I don't have the level of authority I'm used to in order to affect change. I'm used to changing it by persuasion at first, then dictat if they don't comply. I don't have the whip, so the carrot loses force. Next, all small companies are resistant to change, mainly because the people who have to change most are the partners, and they, when things get tough, would rather rely on their gut feeling than staying the course. It's not an unusual situation, nor is it completely irrational. It does, however, undermine any sort of significant cultural change.
After two years of doing this, I realized that I was allowing one of the partners to convince me that I couldn't do it, and that I was wrong, and that the way that I was proceeding was flawed, and I was allowing another partner to convince me that yes, what I was doing was necessary, but this project (whatever this project was that day) was more important, and couldn't these things wait a week?
In short, I was losing confidence in the path, and then I was being delayed, allowing no victories to bolster my confidence. I recognize the symptoms/flaws. I've seen them before. After awhile, I felt that I could not make progress, and so I was freezing. Not starting. Thinking but not doing.
So all of that came to a head on Wednesday morning as I was getting ready to go to work. And I called in for a personal day, and I organized myself.
I have a plan. I am going to give this place my last best effort. Either it will work, and I will transform this place the way I committed to, or I will give it my all, and it won't change, in which case it's not possible to change the way things are done here.
I have no lack of faith in my ability to effect change.
Here we go.
Posted by Glenn at January 14, 2005 10:23 AM