Today has been exhaustive, but very productive.  This morning I finished the software updates for the new computer and worked some more on my ongoing work project.  I had a phone call from a dear friend.  Much as I enjoyed hearing the sound of her voice, I was feeling very weak, and trying to use all the strength I had for the work I was doing.  (Please, my dear friends, don’t call me– especially in the morning.  Mornings are hard.If I haven’t called you, it’s not because I wouldn’t like to talk; it’s because I haven’t had the strength.)

This afternoon we went over to the East Side–way east– for our consultation. That was excellent.  Perhaps the most helpful item (it’s hard to tell yet) was an insight that I had this morning:  A lot of the time, I’m lying there trying to push myself to take the next step an thinking “I can’t”, but it’s more like “I don’t really want to bother making the effort.”  I was smart enough to mention this to my sweetie (the retired clinical social worker) while we were waiting to see the doctor, and he said “That could be depression”.  Well, yes, of course it can.  And then we learned from the doctor that pancreatic cancer often causes depression for chemical reasons (as well as pragmatic ones).  So Monday we will talk to Dr. S about this.

She also mentioned a number of possible alternatives both for tracking the disease (tumor marker) and for potential treatment going forward should the FOLFIRI fail.  I’m not entirely sure that these weren’t mentioned initially, but we should check.

The best part of the consultation was that the doctor felt that I was still doing very well, even though, from my perspective, it seems doubtful.  The worst (and only bad) part of the experience was trying to get a cab home.  After waiting at the hospital for nearly 45 minutes with no luck at all, we managed to walk a long block to First Avenue, where we waited at a bus stop– but my sweetie found us a cab, and finally we were home.

I’m dead beat.  At least I’m stretched out on my bed, my new laptop on my new bed tray, and not trying to sit at my desk.  Happy Thanksgiving.