Copyright 2003, Lois M. Baron. Used with permission.
TAKING LIBERTIES
An irregular feature for the irreverently inclined
Must-Haves That You Can't Have
By Lois M. Baron
Washington Post, Sunday, November 30, 2003; Page B03
Holiday shoppers descended on the malls this weekend, while catalogue and
Web merchandisers have been busy filling orders for weeks. Phone and
Internet sales continue to climb: The Direct Marketing Association estimates
that catalogues will generate $133 billion in 2003 sales and $175 billion
annually by 2008, while online purchases will reach $104 billion in 2008.
Thank you for your order. We regret to inform you that due to problems with our supplier, Item
No. 10-14-71, Mr. Right, is not yet available. The product is on back order, but we cannot
guarantee shipment by "7:30 p.m. 12/31/03," as you requested. Please advise as to whether you
wish to receive store credit or a different man.
We are sorry to say that, at the present time, we have no Happily-Ever-After Endings. Alas, we
are not sure whether this item will ever be restocked. Your credit card will not be charged. Have
a great day.
Thanks for your inquiry, but we regret to inform you that Bundle of Joy is not among the
hundreds of items in our 2003 collection. We would like to draw your attention to Item #OBK9
on page 65 of our catalogue: the Labrador Puppy.
Dear Valued Customer: We apologize for the deprivation, but we are out of stock on Item No.
ZZ8HRS, a Good Night's Sleep. Our staff is working around the clock to locate a new supply.
Check on the status of any item, at any time, 24/7, at our online store, www.cribsandmore.com.
We apologize for an oversight in our fall/winter catalogue. It should have
stated that Item #40MIL, the Effective Health Care System,
requires order forms be filed twice in triplicate and sent to
five different providers. After the paperwork has been filled out
completely and with the proper density of ink, we will provide you with
a PIN number to access our automated menu line,
which will advise you that the product remains unavailable.
Customer service is a hallmark of our company. That's why it pains us to say that our salesclerk
did not hear you correctly when you asked about the capabilities of our Listening Aid System.
Your spouse's headset will not emit a beep to confirm that he has heard you. We apologize for
any inconvenience this may cause in your marriage.
At this time, we are running low on Patience and cannot fill your order for "several thousand
gallons." In the meantime, we are asking customers not to become testy with our sales associates
as they have no access to the product, either.
Due to unexpectedly high demand, we are behind schedule and cannot complete your request for
More Hours in the Day. Also, because of a nationwide labor dispute, our supplier has not been
able to ship Extra Hands for Mothers. We regret the shortage.
We appreciate your order for Item #001, Peace on Earth. We
are most sorry, but the manufacturer of this commodity has suspended
production of this item due to a weak market. We hope to offer it again in
the near future.
Lois Baron, a freelance writer and editor, places her catalogue orders
from an address in Arlington.
Copyright 2003, Lois M. Baron. Used with permission.
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