I was talking to my daughter after picking her up from school.
She was talking about making jokes abut death, and I suggested that she should make an event out of this.
She has organized concerts before, so I thought that this might be in her wheelhouse.
I suggested that she call it ………
Wait for it ………
Wait for it ………
Death Comedy Jam!!!
I got a blank look from her.
I told the joke to my son.
I got a blank look from him.
I feel old.
Experts build AI joke machine that’s about as funny as an Adam Sandler movie (that bad)
They do have a knack for truly inspired heds, and while I concede that at some point in his life, Adam Sandler might be in a movie that does not suck, it is a delightfully evocative way to describe a failure.
Ben Henson, Jim Henson’s kids, and director of many Muppet movies, is being sued by Sesame Street over the marketing of his latest film, an R-rated cop movie with puppets:
Not everything is A-OK on Sesame Street today. The creators behind the beloved children’s show are suing STX Entertainment for the use of their brand name in the trailer and other marketing of the R-rated Muppets-inspired movie The Happytime Murders, according to Variety.
Both the trailer and the poster for the risqué project, directed by Jim Henson’s son Ben Henson, carries the tagline “No Sesame. All Street.” As such, the Sesame Street makers claim that this tarnishes their child-friendly brand, and they want all references to it completely Gonzo or else.
The film imagines a world where Muppet-like puppets get up to all manner of no good (the trailer contains drug use, foul language, and a pretty graphic puppet sex scene, watch below) with Melissa McCarthy playing a detective on the hunt for a serial killer who is intent on blowing the loveable creatures to pieces of fluff.
I am so going to see this movie.
The reports that a Lottery winner was arrested for dumping $200,000 of manure on ex-boss’ lawn is a hoax:
A man from Illinois was arrested for getting $224,000 worth of manure dumped on his former employer’s property, only two weeks after he won $125 million at the lottery and quit his job.
54-year old Brian Morris, from the small town of Clarendon Hills in Dupage County, bought over 20,000 tons of manure and asked for it to be dumped on his former boss’ property, pretending it was his residence.
Dozens of trucks filled with manure showed up in front of the house around 6:00 this morning and began dumping their smelly cargo over the property’s lawn.
It’s not true, and I wish that it was.
I has a sad.
Just imagine, if the Nixon burglary had been at somewhere other than the Watergate Hotel, we might be calling political scandals “Holiday Inns” to this day, or like “He got embroiled in a real Doubletree situation last year.”— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) May 13, 2018
I challenge my reader(s) to create a stand-up bit of comedy lasting at least 3 minutes based on this.
If you have problems riffing on this, , I would note that the Charles Street Jail in Boston is now a luxury hotel, and there is likely comedic material aplenty there.
Unveiling slogans of #RealDemocrats for 2018 pic.twitter.com/OAhjtWkHVn— 🌐IPM 💯🏧💍🌈🚀🚩 (@IPM_Prime) May 9, 2018
It’s actually a tweet storm, and here are the a few more images.
The basic thesis is that the Democratic Party electoral motto, at least as put forward by the DNC, DCCC and DSCC, of, “Vote for us, we are marginally less contemptible,” is not a way to win hearts and minds.
Capitalizing on the weak points of one’s opponent is good tactics, but if you don’t go beyond this, you have no strategy
Time's up! #BelieveWomen #Ihaventforgottenaboutyou pic.twitter.com/v5ks5rmi6G
— Larry Wilmore (@larrywilmore) April 27, 2018
Larry Wilmore on the Conviction
Bill Cosby has been convicted of sexual assault.
I really don’t know what to say, except that I think that the trial, and the conviction, were long overdue, his accusers have been treated abysmally, and their accusations only began to be taken seriously when a man, stand up comic Hannibal Buress, started talking about what he had been doing. (Major props to Buress though for talking about it.)
I’m hoping that Larry Wilmor addresses this in an upcoming podcast.
I’ll definitely listen.
It appears that Scientists have managed to adapt 3D metal printing to zero gravity, and have produced a small wrench.
This is actually tougher than it sounds, since the powdered metals used can be explosive in the right (wrong?) proportions, and there is no gravity to hold them down.
This did not actually go into space, they produced the parts on a “vomit comet” flying a parabolic course.
Credit where credit is due, the pun comes from Arthur C. Clarke.
I found it on Facebook. I blame the Russians.
Some wag posted a (now pulled) advertisement for a lawyer for Donald Trump:
This afternoon a hilarious classified ad popped up on Washington, DC Craigslist. It appears to now be taken down, but not before I snagged a copy of the text.
“Seeking Lead Attorney For Difficult Client” was the title.
The text read:“Seeking a lead attorney to represent client involved in an ongoing Federal investigation. Must be familiar with laws and procedures around discovery, executive privilege, international financing of licensed real estate, election law and the Logan Act. Working knowledge of social media, especially Twitter is a plus, as is a better than average knowledge of the adult film industry and a collection of Playboy magazines from 1985-2010. Must look the part – Gregory Peck or Tommy Lee Jones type. Prior appearances on Fox News a huge plus.
No fatties.
Must be prepared to work with a client who is very forceful and opinionated about his defense and is his own best counsel.
Basically your job boils down to keeping him from testifying under oath and hoping the rest comes out in the wash.
Ask about our other openings on our staff and submit your resume to be considered for potential openings in the near future. Perhaps the very near future. Like, hit refresh on your browser now. Now again.”
This is f%$#ing beautiful.
The people who think Get Out should get Best Picture are the people who kill you in Get Out— Shadi Hamid (@shadihamid) March 5, 2018
This is pure brilliance.
Employee killing coal magnate Robert Murray was upset when John Oliver hired a man in a giant squirrel suit to tell him to, “Eat Sh%$.”
Murray, a notoriously thin skinned and litigious individual, sued Oliver for defamation and emotional distress, and now a judge has thrown out his case.
One hopes that there will be sanctions against both Mr. Murray and his counsel:
West Virginia judge Jeffrey Cramer is dismissing a defamation lawsuit against John Oliver stemming from a segment in which a giant squirrel named “Mr. Nutterbutter” told coal baron Robert Murray to eat shit, according to the Hollywood Reporter. HBO and Partially Important Productions had asked that the suit be dismissed because the facts in Oliver’s segment were based on government reports, and the more insulting statements—like Oliver’s assessment that Murray resembles “a geriatric Dr. Evil”—could not be proven true or false. Judge Cramer agreed, and on Wednesday, informed attorneys by letter that he planned to dismiss the case. The judge’s letter is a lot less funny than the West Virginia ACLU’s amicus brief, but has the advantage of being dispositive.
Lawyers for Murray, whose company lost six miners and three rescue workers in the Crandall Canyon Mine collapse, said in their initial complaint that “nothing has ever stressed him more” than the Last Week Tonight segment, in which a gigantic squirrel named “Mr. Nutterbutter” presented a novelty check for “three acorns and eighteen cents” made out to “Eat Shit, Bob!” (The memo line on the check read “Kiss My Ass,” which does indeed sound stressful, but maybe not “mine collapse with multiple fatalities” stressful.) To be fair, most of the complaint revolved around whether or not Oliver correctly characterized Murray’s handling of the Crandall Canyon Mine collapse, but Mr. Nutterbutter did play a prominent part:
51. Instead, Defendants continued their ruthless character assassination and attack on Plaintiffs’ business reputations by describing Mr. Murray as someone who “looks like a geriatric Dr. Evil” and arranging for a staff member to dress up in a squirrel costume and deliver the message, “Eat Shit, Bob!” to Mr. Murray.
52. If that were not enough, after the live taping, Defendant Oliver exclaimed to the audience that having someone in a squirrel costume tell Mr. Murray to “Eat Shit” was a “dream come true.”
I do not know if there is anti-SLAPP legislation in West Virginia, but there should be.
BTW, you can find the ACLU’s amicus brief in support of Oliver here, and it is well worth the read.
Here is a selection of their brief for your amusement:
4It should be noted that the very mean comparison arose from both a striking physical resemblance between the two characters and a statement by Plaintiff’s General Counsel with an uncanny similarity to statements made by a more youthful Dr. Evil. Compare Coal Operator Sues Beacon Journal Over Portrayal of Him in Article, ATHENS NEWS, (Jan. 29, 2001), https://www.athensnews.com/news/local/coal-operator-sues-beacon-journal-over-portrayal-of-himin/ article_24549e9b-de35-5b4c-b3c6-2ad29b33f694.html (Plaintiff’s General Counsel noting that although he could not legally demand one billion dollars, the figure did reflect the potential damages of the article that gave rise to that suit—this can reasonably be interpreted to mean Plaintiff’s General Counsel wanted to demand one billion dollars); with Pierre Pavia, Dr Evil in 1 Million Dollars, YOUTUBE, (Jul 11, 2008), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKKHSAE1gIs (a young . . . er Dr. Evil demanding “one million dollars,” “one hundred billion dollars,” and “one billion gajillion fafillion shabadoodalooyim[inaudible]million yen”).
For the past 24 hours, we have had no water at our house, because an 8 inch water main broke, shutting off water to 20-30 houses in my neighborhood.
Seeing as how we all were beginning to stink, we went to the JCC (Jewish Community Centers) to take showers, as they have a gym, locker room, and showers.
We were discussing the showers, and Sharon* mentioned that there were stalls with curtains in the women’s locker room.
I noted to Charlie that this was not the case in the men’s locker room, where it was an open floor plan. (It turns out that my recollections were wrong. They have added stalls and curtains)
Charlie was upset, as he is not enamored of the concept of taking a shower in front of other people, so he went to get his swim trunks.
So I asked him, “What is your problem with having a Zyklon B layout in the showers?“
He turned to me, and said that this was the worst thing that he had heard me say in his entire life.
I am a truly awful person.
*Love of my life, light of the cosmos, she who must be obeyed, my wife.
I am, of course, Referring to The Onion:
FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam
Noting that millions have already fallen victim to the long-running grift, the FBI warned Monday of the ‘American Dream’ scam. “Reports are coming in all across the country of Americans who were promised great prosperity and success in exchange for a lifetime of hard work, only to find themselves swindled and left with virtually nothing,” said agent Dean Winthrop, who explained that susceptible parties are made to believe that class mobility is possible simply through ability or achievement, despite the fact that innumerable social, economic, and racial barriers prevent the vast majority of U.S. citizens from attaining even marginal amounts of upward movement. ………
Brilliant.
Sad photo of Wall Street traders reacting as stock market plunges. pic.twitter.com/671pG4Db4L— Binyamin Appelbaum (@BCAppelbaum) February 5, 2018
A remarkably on point statement of the modern stock market.
H/t Down with Tyranny.
This may be the best troll ever done on Twitter:
this is the best pic.twitter.com/VondMhYhgk
— sam glover (@glovelyjubbly) January 1, 2018
When I first saw this, I thought, “People should never quote that overrated hack ……… Ummmm ……… I mean Freidrich Hayek, not Selma Hayek ……… I’m fine with quoting her ……… OMFG! That pack of right wing nut jobs just got completely owned.”
Well played, my friend, well played.
You got movement conservatives saying that Freidrich Hyek used his looks to get ahead.
That is brilliant.
H/t DC at the Stellar Parthenon BBS. 
Military forces of the Empire of Japan launched a sneak attack on Pearl Bailey, or some-such like that.
Here is a hint.
I was looking at Google News, and the front page had a story about Corey Feldman and sexual abuse of child actors.
It’s not normally not something that I would read, or even expand the item, but the picture next to the story seemed to be an odd juxtaposition.
Someone or something, likely a computer algorithm, screwed up.
I’m pretty sure that Paul Ryan did not touch Corey Feldman in his “uncomfortable place”.
Paul Ryan is far to busy pimping for the top 1% and f%$#ing the rest of America to do anything to the former child actor.
I was going to Maariv* at the local Kollel†, so that I could say Kaddish‡ for her.
Charlie came with me, because we studied some Gemara€ before services.
Charlie walked into the study area, and pushed the door open (it swings both ways) despite the large signs taped to it marked “Pull.”
I said, “Midvale School for the Gifted,” and Charlie gave me a blank look.
I had to remind him that it was a Gary Larson cartoon.
*Evening services.
†Community religious study center.
‡A memorial prayer, it is the 41st anniversary of her death.
€A companion work of the Mishna, together they constitute the Talmud.
