Man, I just love The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Category: 40yrs
Credit Where Credit is Due
In response to Rush Limbaugh saying that he would sell his condo and leave New York because of the income tax increase, Governor David Paterson has told him Don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out:
If I knew that would be the resultI would’ve thought about the taxes earlier.
I still think that David Paterson is a tool, but I have to give him credit for the perfect response.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Quote of the Day
ROTFLMAO!!!
There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
The other, of course, involves orcs.
Too true.
Not sure of the source, it’s been floating around the innertubes.
I REALLY Do Not Want to See Your Vacation Pictures
Least inspired promotional sweepstakes ever!
If you win the CBS Cares® Colonoscopy Sweepstakes:
Welcome to the CBS Cares Colonoscopy Sweepstakes!
This is an actual sweepstakes and, if you are the grand prize winner, we will fly you and a companion to New York where you will receive a free colonoscopy. You will also be given three nights’ accommodation in a suite at the luxurious Loews Regency Hotel, which will include the night before you are “awarded” the colonoscopy.
…….
This is just wrong on so many levels.
People over a certain age should get regular colonoscopies, and they should be checked for polyps, but this contest is the worst idea since the little Johnnie home root canal kit.
Body Armor for the Judean People’s Front Crack Suicide Squad
Judean People’s Front Crack Suicide Squad!
What, you haven’t seen Life of Brian? Rent it now!
You may, or not, be aware of the concept of reactive armor.
It’s used on a fair number of armored vehicles out there: It’s a box with explosives in it, and when struck by a round, it explodes, dissipating the jet from a shaped charge or altering the path of a kinetic energy penetrator dart.
Well, someone has taken the next forseeable step, and submitted a patent application for an exploding bullet proof vest:
As Dave Barry would say, “I am NOT making this up!”
Check out patent number 6474213, Reactive stiffening armor system, which proposes:
A reactive armor structure having an outer layer and a reactive element adjacent to and integral with the outer layer is provided. The reactive element provides an amount of support to the outer layer effective to restrain movement of the outer layer and to delay fracture of the outer layer when the outer layer is impacted by a projectile.
I wonder what happens when a limb is in the path of the detonation of:
10. The structure of claim 1, wherein the explosive material has a detonation velocity of from about 2 km/s to about 5 km/s.
…
24. The structure of claim 15 wherein said reactive material comprises a material selected from the group consisting of TNT, RDX, Comp-B, Octol, and nitromethane.
I’m not sure if it would be worse to be the guy in the armor, or the guy standing next to the guy in the armor.
Because Samuel Clemens Was a Freaking Genius
Quoth Mark Twain:
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
I wish that I had half his wit.
Workplace Fun W/ Magnets and Post-It
Captured on my cell phone camera from work:
Iraq is Fracked
Because it appears that the State Department is sending in Citi to help modernize their banking sector.
This is not the Onion, really, it isn’t.
A Good Day At Work
I got to print some parts off on the 3-D printer…..Sweet.
It should finish about when I come in for work Friday.
Class Warfare
This picture of a sheriff, gun drawn, to evict a family from a home was named was named World Press Photo of 2008 by judges at World Press Photo.
Guns drawn so that a bank can make sure that no one is living in there.
God bless America.
Have You Heard the Latest Polish Joke
It appears that the Irish police have been looking for the worst driver in that nation.
One Prawo Jazdy has been ticketed all over the Emerald Isle, but they have been un able to track him down, because each time that he was stopped, his contact information was different.
So the Irish Garda has had capturing this scofflaw as a major priority for some time now.
Well, I’m sure that if any of my readers read Polish are now laughing hysterically, because Prawo Jazdy means “drivers license” in that language.
Move along here, nothing to see.
1000 Words on the ‘Phants
A Hipster???? I’m a Mechanical Engineer, for God’s sake!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot????
I think that there are still a few bugs in this test.
My Liberal Identity:
You are a New Left Hipster, also known as a MoveOn.org liberal, a Netroots activist, or a Daily Show fanatic. You believe that if we really want to defend American values, conservatives must be exposed, mocked, and assailed for every fanatical, puritanical, warmongering, Constitution-shredding ideal for which they stand.
Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com
Sweet
Hats off to Patrick Rosario, who was in his basement when two people broke into his home and started stealing his stuff.
They didn’t see him, he was in his basement, and so he called 911, and got out of the house, and then he noticed that the perp’s van was there, unattended, with the motor running, so he stole their getaway van:
Meanwhile, back at his home, a passing driver visiting an across-the-street neighbor saw the burglars exit the house. According to the detectives’ report, “the males looked back … and appeared startled.”
“I wish I could have seen the look on their faces,” Rosario said.
The two fled the house toward busy Southeast Newport Way, leaving a pile of flat-screen TVs by the door, along with Rosario’s laptop, game consoles and his wife’s jewelry box.
…
Even as detectives took Rosario’s report, the story apparently was making the rounds. Rosario said he received more than a few high-fives from other responding officers.
“Two pulled up, and they looked over at me and go, ‘You stole their car — way to go, dude. That’s awesome.’ Another told me that I just made her month.”
…
I am amused, but this was a really really stupid thing to do.
H/T Mithras.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!?!?!?!?
It appears that officials in the Department of Defense are denying Barack Obama access to information on Binyam Mohamed’s torture and abuse.
No, this isn’t a typo, someone in the DoD is refusing to turn over information to the President of the United States of America:
Clive Stafford Smith, the director of the legal charity Reprieve, which represents Ethiopian-born Binyam Mohamed, sent Obama evidence of what he called “truly mediaeval” abuse but substantial parts were blanked out so the president could not read it.
In the letter to the president [PDF] , Stafford Smith urges him to order the disclosure of the evidence.
Stafford Smith tells Obama he should be aware of the “bizarre reality” of the situation. “You, as commander in chief, are being denied access to material that would help prove that crimes have been committed by US personnel. This decision is being made by the very people who you command.”
It is understood US defence officials might have censored the evidence to protect the president from criminal liability or political embarrassment.
George Orwell and Franz Kafka are now spinning in their graves at sufficient velocity to power all of Belarus.
Well, Paint My Ass Purple, and Call Me Shirley
OK, so I lost a memory stick that I’ve had for about 1¼years, Sandisk USB 2 Micro Cruzer 1Gb Pendrive U3.
It’s no big deal, really. I had all the data elsewhere, so I pick up a new drive, the 4GB variant for about $12 at the Radio Shack®, which is a lot cheaper than the $50 or so that I recall paying for the 1GB version.
Wouldn’t you know it, the next day, I find my old drive.
Actually, I didn’t find it, Sharon* did, in the dryer.
It had gone through the wash, AND the dryer, and it looked little worse for the wear. The printing on the case was a bit worn, but that could have happened over the past 15 months sitting in my pocket.
So, I leave it out and open for a day to ensure full drying, and I put it in my computer, and ALL THE DATA IS THERE.
Needless to say, this product has my seal of approval.
*Love of my life, light of the cosmos, she who must be obeyed, my wife.
Scary Picture of the Day
Jess Bachman give us this chart explaining the current unemployment rate.
Zoinks!
He’s an impoverished graphic designer with some neat posters for sale.
Headline of the Day
LBO Firms Face Lending Drought as ‘Adult Supervision’ Returns
So you mean that the leveraged buyouts weren’t an artifact of “adults” soberly evaluating the business case?
I’m stunned.
Cello Scrotum A Hoax
It appears that a noted British doctor made up the condition and submitted it to the British Medical Journal in 1974, in response to reports, which she thought were a prank/hoax, of a condition called, “guitarist’s nipple”, which is or is alleged to be a chafed nipple from resting the guitar there.
Normally, I wouldn’t have cared, but I played cello when I was 9 and 10, before switching to trombone, so the hed made me want to read it.
What is the Difference Between Iceland and Ireland?
One letter, and six months.