Category: Funny

Received Via Email

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Heh

Dear [your name goes here]:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion USD. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm, lobbyist for UBS, who (God willing) will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a former U.S. congressional leader and the architect of the PALIN / McCain Financial Doctrine, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. As such, you can be assured that this transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully,

Minister of Treasury Paulson

Your Government at Work

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It appears that the US U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service made a tiny error on the new Migratory Bird Conservation and Hunting Stamp (Duck Stamp), which is must be carried for all duck and waterfowl hunters. It costs $15.00, and proceeds go to acquiring and protecting wetlands for said waterfowl.

That would be fine, except for the fact that the most recent version of the self adhesive version of the stamp contains a serious misprint

The correct number, 1-800-STAMP24 (1-800-782-6724), is for people wishing to order additional duck stamps. Levin said two digits of the phone number are transposed on the card that holds the self-adhesive version of the stamp. That incorrect number, 1-800-872-6724, translates to 1-800-TRAMP24. Callers to ‘Intimate Connections’ [a phone sex service] are warned that they must be 18 years or older before proceeding.

This gives the phrase F@#$ a duck a whole new meaning.

The Final Word on Drinking Age

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Care of Atrios:

Perhaps they should consider my cunning plan to let 18 year olds have a drinking license or a driver’s license but not both, which would have the added benefit of helping my plot to make everyone move to Manhattan increasing the appeal of less car dependent locations.

(emphasis mine)

I’m Matthew Saroff, and I approve of this message.

Normally, I Boycott the AP, But In This Case….

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But sometimes, someone there screws up, and reports the truth:

Obama veep announcement expected in coming days

By NEDRA PICKLER

…..

His top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent.

Too true.

It hasn’t been corrected yet, and I need a screen cleaner.

Details on the AP boycott here.

And the Award for Best Use of Monty Python in the Context of a Complex Financial Instrument Goes To…

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Mark Gilbert:

CDO Market Is Dead, Not Just Pining for Fjords: Mark Gilbert

Commentary by Mark Gilbert (with apologies to Monty Python)

Aug. 7 (Bloomberg) — Hedge-Fund Guy enters an investment bank. “I wish to complain about this derivative security what I purchased not two years ago from this very boutique,” he says.

“Ah yes, the Collateralized-Debt Obligation,” says the Wall Street Banker. “What’s wrong with him?”

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him, my lad. He’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with him!”

Wall Street Banker: “No, no, he’s … restin’.” Hedge-Fund Guy: “Look, matey, I know a dead derivative when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.”

“No, no, he’s not dead, he’s restin’! Remarkable investment, the CDO, isn’t it? Beautiful plumage!”

“The plumage don’t enter into it. He’s stone dead.”

…

Go read the rest, and don’t try to drink anything at the same time.