Category: Funny

God is My Guide, With Exact GPS Coordinates

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Well, it appears that someone in Florida has devised a strategy to thwart baby Jesus stealers everywhere, they implanted a GPS tracker.

I expect this to be the beginning of a trend among Nativity scenes in the future.

The woman who oversees the annual display decided to put Global Positioning System trackers on the Jesus, Mary and Joseph figurines.

“I don’t anticipate this will ever happen again,” Dina Cellini said, “but we may need to rely on technology to save our savior.”

First, we lose ice pick murders, and now this.

It appears that technology has gone too far.

Tata Motors to Purchase Jaguar

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So it appears that Ford will sell Jaguar and Rover to Tata Motors in India.

When I heard about this, I flashed back to the otherwise forgettable movie, Crazy People, in which Dudley Moore plays an advertising man who flips out, and starts writing completely honest ads.

He does one for Jaguar, he does one that goes:

Jaguar… For guys who want handjobs from beautiful women they hardly know (with accompanying “Yes! I want a hand job!” tear off flyers).

Somehow the juxtaposition of Jaguar and Tata leads me to places I should not be going.

Thankfully, a friend helped (thanks Asta), and I can now conclusively say that their next car will be called the…..

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

The Bodacious Tata!

Kids Make You Say the Damnedest Things!

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My wife* says the Shema with my kids every evening after I read to them and tuck them in.

Tonight, Charlie was a little bit wired….In the same way that Bob Novak is a little bit treasonous.

So like always, I shout down to my wife in the computer room, “Honey, the kids are read for prayers.”

Then I think a second, and follow up with, “Like Baghdad is ready for the Ice Capades“.

*Love of my life, light of the cosmos, she who must be obeyed, my wife.

Who Says That Irony Is Dead?

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Yes, it’s true, Blackwater has decided to expand its operations into peacekeeping.

Well, I guess that the dead do not conduct war.

(to the tune of Ghostbusters)

Blackwater

If there’s men with guns
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

If there’s random death
and it don’t look good
Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

I ain’t afraid of no mercs
I ain’t afraid of no mercs

If there’s a fear of death
running through your head
Who can ya call?
Blackwater

An populist man
turning your country red
Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

I ain’t afraid of no mercs
I ain’t afraid of no mercs

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

If ya all alone
pick up the phone
and call
Blackwater

I ain’t afraid of no mercs
I here it likes the mercst
I ain’t afraid of no mercs
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

If you’ve had enough of those
Looters and scum
Ya better call
Blackwater

Lemme tell ya something
Bustin’ makes me feel good!

I ain’t afraid of no mercs
I ain’t afraid of no mercs

Don’t get caught alone no no

Blackwater

When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more
I think you better call
Blackwater

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

I think you better call
Blackwater

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

I can’t hear you
Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

Louder
Blackwater

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

Who can ya call?
Blackwater

Who ya gonna call?
Blackwater

Why It’s Called The Grauniad

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Corrections and clarifications | The Guardian | Guardian Unlimited

· This article was amended on Wednesday September 26 2007. We misspelled the word misspelled twice, as mispelled. This has been corrected.

And you wonder why I call it The Grauniad*

*According to the Wiki, The Guardian, formerly the Manchester Guardian in the UK. It’s nicknamed the Grauniad because of its penchant for typographical errors, “The nickname The Grauniad for the paper originated with the satirical magazine Private Eye. It came about because of its reputation for frequent and sometimes unintentionally amusing typographical errors, hence the popular myth that the paper once misspelled its own name on the page one masthead as The Gaurdian, though many recall the more inventive The Grauniad.”