Category: Humor

Defense Procurement Humor Down in Oz

No Comments

It’s a rare thing when you can put the term together the term defense* procurement with humor in a coherent manner, but this press release from the Australian Department of Defence regarding the cancellation of the Seasprite Helicopter program, which was 5 years late, well over budget, and simply did not work:

SEASPRITE HELICOPTERS TO BE CANCELLED

In late 2007 the Rudd Labor Government initiated a review of the Seasprite helicopter project, in line with the promises made prior to the election.

After careful consideration of all the issues involved, the Government has decided that it intends to cancel the project. Discussions will be commenced immediately with the contractor in relation to the legal and financial arrangements to facilitate this.

The Government will announce the details of arrangements with the contractor once mutual agreement on these matters has been reached, subject to any confidentiality issues.

Minister for Defence Joel Fitzgibbon said the decision was not one taken easily, but the Government was left with little option.

“Today’s announcement demonstrates our determination to make tough decisions whenever required for the security of the nation and the safety and capability of our Defence Force,” Mr Fitzgibbon said.

“The decision taken by the Rudd Labor Government is one that should have been taken by the Leader of the Opposition, Brendan Nelson, when he had the opportunity last year, but his Government decided to put its own political interests ahead of the national interest. Consequently, the responsibility of cleaning up the mess they created falls to us,” Mr Fitzgibbon said.

To ensure the Navy maintains an effective naval aviation capability, the Government has decided on two measures. First, our interim approach will focus on improving the operational availability of the current Seahawk fleet. Second, the Government will investigate the planned replacement of the Seahawk during its White Paper deliberations.

“The new Government will continue to work through the long list of Defence capability nightmares it has inherited from the former government. We are determined to ensure that the Defence Force receives the capability it needs, and Australian taxpayers receive value for their money,” Mr Fitzgibbon said.

(Emphasis mine)

*DefenCe for those down in Oz.

Rudolph “Bialystock” Giuliani????

No Comments

Well, I came across a blog posting from the marvelously named “Horse’s Ass” blog (and the story behind that name is a hoot) has suggested that Rudy Giuliani is the “Max Bialystock of Politics”.

If you’ve never seen Mel Brooks’ movie, The Producers, or the subsequent musical, you need to understand that Max Bialystock is an unsuccessful Broadway producer who realizes that he can make money by selling a few thousand percent of a production, and when it fails, no one will expect their money back.

So he chooses the wrong director, the wrong lead, the wrong play (Springtime for Hitler), and, of course, it turns out to be a smash hit, and his deception is revealed.

David “Goldy” Goldstein posits that Rudolph Giuliani did the same thing.

But could Giuliani and his high-paid strategists really have been that stupid? Or, is it possible that the Florida Strategy has actually worked exactly as planned?

While the rest of the presidential field were trudging through the snows of Iowa and New Hampshire, trading rhinoviruses with voters in diners and VFW halls throughout the heartland, Giuliani and his team were leisurely soaking up the rays in sunny Florida, making a few appearances, playing a little golf, and all the while laying claim to the Sunshine State’s winner-take-all primary. While Romney, McCain and Huckabee were emptying their campaign coffers duking it out in Nevada and Michigan and South Carolina, Giuliani apparently spent his $50 million-plus campaign war chest on what…? Sunscreen and greens fees? Two percent of the vote, and a single national delegate? According to media reports the Giuliani campaign is so broke his top staffers have foregone their salaries, raising questions of how he could have spent so much money for such poor results? But perhaps the better question might be, did he actually spend the money at all?

Think about it. Giuliani may be arrogant and vindictive and ethically challenged, but nobody’s ever accused the man of being stupid, so perhaps he and his advisers knew all along that he didn’t stand a chance on the national stage once Americans really got to know him. But just because he couldn’t win the White House didn’t mean he couldn’t make a little scratch on the side, and taking a lesson from Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom in Mel Brooks’ legendary The Producers, perhaps Giuliani realized he could make a helluva lot more money from a presidential flop than he ever could from a respectable run?

Go read the whole thing, it’s a hoot.

Deep Thoughts

No Comments

Every so often, I have a thought that is worthy of Jack Handy, and I’m sharing this with you:

I was at my chiropractor, and I noticed the various theraputic furniture that they have in the office.

With springs, hinges, dampers and suspension, powered lifts, straps and buckles, I thought You know, a pervert could have a lot of fun with this stuff.

And then I realized, Throw in some killer eggnog with whipped cream, and you could have a really kick ass office party.

London Tube Officials Have No Bloody Sense of HumoUr

No Comments

Voiceover artist Emma Clarke, who has recorded announcements for the tube, was given the sack (her contract was terminated) after 8 years for making spoof messages:

  • “We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly.”
  • “Would the passenger in the red shirt pretending to read the paper but who is actually staring at that woman’s chest please stop. You are not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert.”
  • “Would passengers filling in answers on their Sudokus please accept that they are just crosswords for the unimaginative and are not in any way more impressive just because they contain numbers.”
  • “Here we are crammed again into a sweaty Tube carriage … If you’re female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He’s probably not had sex for months.”

“London Underground is sorry to have to announce that further contracts for Miss Clarke are experiencing severe delays,” a TfL spokesman told the Evening Standard Monday.

Her recordings are here.

Quote of the Day: From Hillary Clinton

No Comments

The New Yorker has an essay on Hillary Clinton’s laugh, they find it genuine, but they quote this little gem from Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.’s journals:

In later entries, Schlesinger writes of Hillary’s “charm and humor” and her “infectious joie de vivre.” But it must be said that she doesn’t always laugh, even when something’s funny. In 1998, at the height of the Full Monica, Schlesinger, then eighty-one years old, is seated next to the First Lady at a formal White House dinner celebrating the National Humanities Medals, one of which he has just been awarded. They’re having a jolly, dishy time—she’s “very easy to talk to”—when Arthur gets a little too expansive:

I made the point that the liberals had stood by Clinton while the DLC [Democratic Leadership Council] people had deserted him and described the miserable [Senator Joseph I.] Lieberman as a “sanctimonious prick.” Hillary said, “Well, he is certainly sanctimonious,” but showed no eagerness to pursue this line of thought.

(emphasis mine)
Of course Lieberman is no prick. A prick has a head.

I Have Become Incapable of Perceiving Sarcasm

No Comments

Michael Lewis, the author of , has an essay, A Wall Street Trader Draws Some Subprime Lessons.

His treatise? This is what happens when you lend money to poor people.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out if he’s joking or not.

I read it, and I was incensed, and then I thought, “What wonderful snark”, and then I thought, “I hear Republican talking points like this all the time.”

Either he’s got one of the blackest hearts on wall street*, or a marvelous sense of snark, in which case I am completely pwn3d†.

I just can’t tell which.

For the sake of the world I hope that it’s pwnage.

*Which is saying something.
†Owned

Quote of the Day: John Kerry

No Comments

The WaPo has a story on the Nixon admin wanting to co-opt Kerry and get him to run as a Republican.
Because of his background (He’s went to Yale), they thought that he might be able to bring him into the fold.

One of Kerry’s comments is prize:

I experimented with a number of things in college. Being a Republican wasn’t one of them. Besides, going to Yale doesn’t make you a Republican. Going to Bob Jones University makes you a Republican.

Lol!!!!!!

Snark of the Day

No Comments

Courtesy of Glenn Greenwald, who noted a comment on his blog:

As Gen. Apathy noted in comments, having read the entire Murray [Washington Post National Political Reporter Shailagh Murray] chat from yesterday: ‘Every answer she gave was smarmy, sarcastic, pedantic and lacking any serious insight.’ Indeed, the whole thing reads like a tongue-clucking rant from a 12-year-old Maureen Dowd, which is saying quite a bit since Maureen Dowd, in her full-blown adult self, is more than sufficiently adolescent.

FWIW, Glenn Greenwald, Esq. is generally pretty serious, though a good read.

His expertise is constitutional law.

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

No Comments

I read this, and that’s what popped into my head.

Talking Trojan taunts victims
Malware authors have developed a talking Trojan capable of taunting its victims even as it goes about its work trashing their PCs.

The BotVoice-A Trojan (http://www.pandasoftware.com/com/virus_info/encyclopedia/overview.aspx?idvirus=166596&sitepanda=empresas) informs victims that their Windows PCs have been infected as it deletes files. The malware uses Windows text reader to play the following message:

You has been infected I repeat You has been infected and your system files has been deletes. Sorry. Have a Nice Day and bye bye.

….