Cruz, Paul and Rubio, all running for President. Hey, I thought I was supposed to write the horror stories.
— Stephen King (@StephenKing) April 16, 2015
It appears that I must add Stephen King to the noble and honorable order of People I Do Not Want to Piss Off.
The kicker is that he is a bankruptcy attorney:
In a mocking open-letter to a Michigan auto repair shop owner following his anti-gay Facebook rant, a Grand Rapids bankruptcy attorney has offered his services to deal with the economic consequences of the business owner’s “inane, incoherent and just plain dumb comments.”
On Tuesday, Grandville auto shop owner Brian Klawiter posted a rambling attack on gays on Facebook, saying he would not service their cars, adding, “Homosexuality is wrong, period. If you want to argue this fact with me then I will put your vehicle together with all bolts and no nuts and you can see how that works.”
………
Sensing a business opportunity, Grand Rapids bankruptcy attorney Jeffrey Mapes, posted an open letter on Michigan Live, saying he too is “white, male, Christian, a business owner, and a gun owner,” and is willing to handle Klawiter’s future needs despite his “inane, incoherent and just plain dumb comments” on Facebook.
………
He then offered words of inspiration in the wake of the Facebook post that has caused Klawiter grief , quoting from the Adam Sandler film, “Billy Madison.”
“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Heh.
I am referring, of course to the seminal BBC spaghetti harvest hoax:
Happy April Fools’ Day.
I can do no more than quote America’s Finest News Source, “Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Sh%$s No Longer Worth It:
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody’s time.
“We remain committed to providing every student in the country with access to a high-quality education,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that good schools are a key component to the success of American democracy. “But to be honest, none of that matters. We’re not talking about promising young scholars here—we’re talking about a bunch of f%$#ing animals.”
“We’ve basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards,” Duncan continued. “Not to mention 18 years of my life.”
This is perhaps the most prescient article that The Onion has published since January, 2001, when it wrote, “Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’.
My brother, aka Bear Who Swims, has a cogent suggestion regarding a right wing whining about Obama’s use of the term “Violent Extremists”:
So I suggest use “religious extremism.” It fits the bill, and covers clinic bombers and doctor killers and such like.
And it covers the Republican party too. Sort of a freebie.
Works for me.
Teabagger heroine, and terrorist wannabe, Holly Fisher has been exposed exposed cheating on her military veteran husband:
In July, liberals were delighted by the moronic antics of a woman who quickly became known as “Holly Hobby Lobby.” Shortly following the Hobby Lobby Supreme Court ruling that allowed companies to inject their religion into female employees’ healthcare, Holly Fisher decided to poorly “troll” liberals a bit.
Our heroine bravely stood in front of a Hobby Lobby store wearing a “PRO-LIFE” t-shirt and holding a Chick-Fil-A cup. She captioned her photo “HOW TO MAKE A LIBERAL’S HEAD EXPLODE,” and set it loose on Twitter.
………
This photo gained Holly the admiration of the conservative world. Quickly, she became a hero to all who have trouble figuring out how to work a microwave. [I love that turn of phrase MGS] Unfortunately, her new photo — the one conservatives adored — bore a striking resemblance to “the White Widow,” a jihadist suicide bomber who blew herself and four other people up in 2004.
………
“The conservative woman behind several viral photos cheated on her combat veteran husband repeatedly & then lied about it, Gotnews.com has learned,” [The world’s worst undeserving claimant of the term “Journalist”, and member of the class Myxogastria, Charles C.] Johnson wrote.
According to Johnson, multiple sources within the Tea Party confirmed that Fisher had a prolonged affair with Joel Frewa, a now-former video editor for the Tea Party News Network. Johnson says Frewa resigned after word of the affair began to leak out.
“The affair took place at a “Restoring the Dream” event, a Faith & Freedom conference, and on Election night 2014,” Johnson said.
The irony here is delicious, but it is far from surprising.
H/t Blade at the Stellar Parthenon.
The front page of the Oakland Tribune in response to the essential whiteness of the nominees is epic:
H/t TPM.
NK did it 100% OK, NK did it w/ help OK, NK outsourced it OK, NK was told later and bought them drinks God dammit, NK is guilty of something
— Jeffrey Carr (@jeffreycarr) December 30, 2014
As an FYI, Mr. Carr is a noted security professional.
It appears that Barack Obana’s 11 year old opposition to “stupid wars” is now inoperative.
At Talking Points Memo, Josh Marshall muses on the whole Steven Scalise talking to white supremacist group scandal, finishes with this bit:
I continue to think this is the most trenchant piece of analysis on the on-going issue of right-wing Republicans accidentally speaking to white nationalist organizations.
The link he posted connects to a classic article from The Onion, Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
That’s gonna leave a mark.
A while back, NPR had a story about Stephen Hess’s book, The Professor And The President, which detailed how Daniel Patrick Moynihan became one of Richard M. Nixon’s most influential domestic policy advisers.
I’m thinking that it Moynihan’s heavy drinking might have had something to do with is.
If I found myself working as Nixon as a domestic policy adviser, I’d be polishing off a 5th of Bourbon a day.
Heavy Police Presence In Ferguson To Ensure Residents Adequately Provoked
I really cannot expand on this.
It is simply brilliant.
Paul Krugman points us to this gem from Wolfgang Münchau:
German economists roughly fall into two groups: those that have not read Keynes, and those that have not understood Keynes.
Too True.
He no longer cares who he pisses off, as this bit about the stupidest man in Texas, Louis Gohmert.
This the most brutal I have ever seen him.
I can think of nothing that unites us more than the fact that even the Dalai Lama is pissed off about telemarketers:
Tibet’s spiritual leader has delivered an extraordinary rant about the things that do his head in.
The Dalai Lama’s rare display of belligerent human frailty occurred in London, during an acceptance speech for the Templeton Prize for ‘affirming life’s spiritual dimension’.
He said: “I am not a special person. I spend my days mostly in quiet contemplation.
“It is during these moments, when I am tantalisingly close to nirvana, that the phone always rings.
“‘Hello,’ says the voice on the line, ‘can I speak to Mr D Lama?’
“‘He’s not in,’ I always reply, because it is fine to lie in these situations, ‘and if he was he wouldn’t be interested.’
“Then they go, ‘surely he’d be interested on saving 25% on his monthly heating bills with double glazing’. For Zen’s sake!
Now, everyone link hands, and start singing, All we are saying, is telemarketers suck.
*Yes. I know. It’s a parody site, and this is fake news, but it really should be real. After all, who amongst us does not hate phone sales calls?
First is Chris Arnade says that, “Maurice R. Greenberg, the former chairman of AIG, has that kind of fart-in-the-elevator audacity:
The senior managing director – a top-ranking banker – walked onto the crowded elevator, focus fixed on her Blackberry, pressed the elevator button and farted loudly. As the smell filled the elevator, as others nervously coughed, some covering up giggles, her focus stayed on the Blackberry. Four floors later she left, commenting to a colleague, “The elevators are vile. The janitors are always on some break.”
Another MD turned to me: “That’s why she earns the big bucks.”
“Being able to fart?” I asked.
“No, you idiot. Audacity. Audacity so great that you can fart on the elevator and blame it on someone else.”
And then, of course, there is John Stewart commenting on the AIG Lawsuit:
I wish that I could write like either of them.
At some point, you realize that all you need to hear about Ayn Rand has been told by someone else.
In this case, it’s John Oliver, or more accurately, it’s his show, Last Week Tonight:
I’m not sure how I can top this.
I was looking forward to getting my Daily Show fix after a 2 week hiatus, and they did not disappoint.
Needless to say, the commentary on the police brutality in Ferguson, (top vid) and his video with Michael Che, where the latter unsuccessfully tries to find a place where a black man hasn’t been shot (bottom vid), are amazing.
Just watch.
The Egyptian government is urging restraint by the police in Ferguson, Missouri:
Egypt on Tuesday urged U.S. authorities to exercise restraint in dealing with racially charged demonstrations in Ferguson, Missouri – echoing language Washington used to caution Egypt as it cracked down on Islamist protesters last year. It is unusual for Egypt to criticize such a major donor. Ties between Washington and Cairo were strained after Egyptian security forces killed hundreds of Muslim Brotherhood supporters following the army’s ousting of freely elected President Mohamed Morsi in July 2013.
To quote Anna Russell, “I’m not making this up, you know.”
*But it should be.
This is the ultimate I Heart NY T-shirt.
I think that this is f%$#ing epic.
Wonkette has some of the best headlines on the Internet.