May is International Masturbation Month.
Not a joke.
In honor of this, I have typed this post with one hand.
Category: Humor
The First Rule of Fight Club is ………
Do not piss off Jon Stewart.
That goes for you, Rush Limbaugh:
With 200-300 school girls kidnapped by Boko Haram, and Limbaugh decides to take the side of the terrorists, because Michelle Obama took up their cause.
Stewart is rahter pithy about this:
So that’s our choice: Malala [Yousafzai, who was shot in the face by the Taliban for saying that girls should go to school] or Rush, the quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in the Chernobyl-esque superfund cleanup site that was his soul.
Follow the hashtag, “#F*@KYOURUSH”.
Jon Stewart is Weeping for Joy
Toronto’s world-renowned on crack-smoking mayor is standing for reelection:
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford officially launched his re-election campaign before a crowd of supporters Thursday night — sticking closely to the issues he has stressed over his last four years as mayor.
In a 30-minute speech before some 2,000 supporters, Ford pledged to fight special interests, to cut red tape and to keep taxes low if returned to office on Oct. 27.
“I’m running on my record and my record is second to none,” Ford told the crowd at the Toronto Congress Centre, the same venue where he celebrated his election victory back in 2010.
“Record second to none,” huh?
I would have to agree with that characterization, but I really do not see this as a positive.
The Onion to Shut Down and Lay off All Staff
In a joint press conference today, editor Cole Bolton and CEO Steve Hannah have announced that The Onion will be ceasing publication immediately immediately, with all staff made redundant, and all assets put up for sale.
Bolton, shaking his head sadly, announced that following the in response to the declaration by the campaign for former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown for New Hampshire (this time) Senate that his opponent is, “A Senator from Massachusetts,” said that satire has been rendered obsolete by reality.
“I knew that it would be John Sununu who would destroy us,” said Bolton, the now former editor. “His continuous innovation in the area of unintentional self parody have always threatened us with obsolescence, and now he has finally made us completely irrelevant.”
John Sununu’s statement introducing Scott Brown at a campaign rally left the staff dumbstruck, with many in tears, even before the announced layoffs.
“We just gotta remind people that he’s coming back to his roots,” former New Hampshire Gov. John H. Sununu told me after the Portsmouth rally. Sununu, in case you have forgotten, was one of Romney’s most ubiquitous and delightfully crotchety fsurrogates during the presidential campaign in 2012. In true Sununu fashion, he not only defended Brown’s alleged Live Free or Die bona fides; he’s gone on the attack. To him, it is Shaheen, not Brown, who’s the real outsider.
“She votes with Elizabeth Warren. She votes with [Massachusetts Democratic Sen. Ed] Markey. She is the third senator from Massachusetts,” Sununu told supporters at the Portsmouth rally before introducing Brown. “Scott’s happiest days as a young man were in New Hampshire. … So it’s going to be great to have a senator that was born virtually in the state of New Hampshire. Jean Shaheen, by the way, was born in Missouri!”
Did you catch how Sununu cleverly described Brown as “virtually” born in New Hampshire? He was actually born in Maine, which for Brown’s campaign is close enough for government work and has the great advantage of being closer than Missouri and not being Massachusetts. It is also rather audacious to paint Shaheen as a “senator from Massachusetts,” since Brown quite literally was, and very much wanted to remain, a senator from Massachusetts.
In related news, the General Manager and Editor-In-Chief of The Onion‘s AV Club, Josh Modell has announced, “I got nothing,” that they will shut down their studio, and cease producing satirical films, and simply re-broadcast cable news stories.
I Love this Wifi ID Ever
CITIZEN’S ARREST! A person who controls a wifi near the “combination hair salon and toy store on the increasingly stylish Fifth Avenue strip of Park Slope” called LuLu’s has given his or her network a positively vulgar name. It is a name that threatens to sully the posh and sophisticated reputation of a shop that charges $26 to give your child a new lease on life via his or her tresses ($10 for just a bangs job). It is a name that is not good for kids.
On the Google Group bergenbtwn4and5, LuLu’s owner Brigitte Prat (or someone posing as her using the handle brigittelpratt) shares the story of how her brand is being attacked (probably by a high person who thought it would be funny to satirize the presumed bourgieness of the children’s salon): ………
That is f%$#ing brilliant!!!!
H/t DC at the Stellar Parthenon BBS.
This is the Coolest Photograph Ever
And, no, this is not a picture of a shirtless Vladimir Putin.
If you don’t understand, you can see the context here.
This is so f%$#ing chocked f%$#ing full of f%$#ing awesome that it f%$#ing blows my f%$#ing mind.
What can I say, but f%$#, this is amazing.
H/t DC at the Stellar Parthenon BBS.
My Son Called this the Most Insensitive Joke That He’s Ever Heard
It’s not my joke.
It’s the universe’s joke.
It turns out that the777-200ER from Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 (9M-MRO), which has yet to be found is the four-hundred and fourth 777 produced by Boeing.
Yep, that’s right, 404: Not Found.
I Just Got F%$#ing Pwned (Owned) by a Man Who Has Been Dead for 224 Years
I am referring, of course to Ben Franklin.
Andy Kaufman has nothing on post-death humor.
Specifically, when I blamed Ben Franklin for creating Daylight Saving Time, I neglected to do my research.
It turns out that Ben Franklin’s suggestion was satire:
During his time as an American envoy to France, Benjamin Franklin, publisher of the old English proverb, “Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”, anonymously published a letter suggesting that Parisians economize on candles by rising earlier to use morning sunlight. This 1784 satire proposed taxing shutters, rationing candles, and waking the public by ringing church bells and firing cannons at sunrise. Franklin did not propose DST; like ancient Rome, 18th-century Europe did not keep precise schedules. However, this soon changed as rail and communication networks came to require a standardization of time unknown in Franklin’s day.
I must remember: Google before shooting off my mouth.
It appears that I am not a hoopy frood who knows where my towel is.
Goodbye Moe Green
A comedic genius who preferred to be on the other side of the camera.
It’s a Busy Night for People I Do Not Want to Piss Off
John Oliver, who I added to the list when he subbed for John Stewart, just unloaded a can of whup ass on the Silicon Valley techholes at the “Crunchies” award:
You already have all the money in the world. Why do you need awards after that? It is absolutely ridiculous. You’re no longer the underdogs, it’s very important that you realize that. You’re not the scrappy people that people get behind. It used to be that people who worked in the tech industry were emotional shut-ins who you could root for. Now those days are gone. You’re pissing off an entire city.
He also goes off on Uber, Larry Ellison, the Kristalnacht 1%er, and Uber ……… and Uber.
It’s worth the watch.
I am Sick to Death of Chris Christie Fat Jokes
Case in point, NJ Spotlight’s lead sentence, “Christie-watchers, the Bridgegate scandal is the inevitable outgrowth of a governorship built on an Outsized cult of personality.”
Seriously, we are talking about a sociopathic bully who abused his authority, and then obstructed justice to cover it up.
Why the f%$# do they need to go with the fat jokes?
We Might All Be in Hell
NPR just finished a series where it talked to prominent theologians about the nature of the afterlife.
One of the segments was immediately followed (it might have been preceeded) by a story about the government shutdown and potential debt default.
Then it hit me: No one that they had talked to even mentioned the possibility that we might already be in hell.
Of course, Gnosticism, the religion that most closely hews to this philosophy, no longer exists as an organized religion, but it does seem to me that this is a reasonable conclusion.
As a Jew, I find the discussion of the afterlife largely irrelevant. The afterlife is simply not a significant of Jewish theology.
The consensus on the afterlife in Judaism is, “Yes,” with some people going with a conventional heaven and hell, and some people, particularly Kabbalists, believe in reincarnation, and a whole range in between.
In Judaism, the important thing is that to whatever degree our world resembles hell, it is our job to fix it.
This concept is called Tikkun olam (תיקון עולם).
This reminds me of an old joke:
A Shmuel dies and is sent to hell, and he boards an elevator going down.
The elevator operators calls out, “Hell, level 1, all Atheists and Agnostics out.”
Shmuel looks out, and sees a bleak landscape, black sands, and a merciless sun beating down, and the air smells like.
The elevator moves further downward, and comes to a stop.
“Hell, level 2, all Muslims out.”
Shmuel smells brimstone, hears screams, and sees rivers of flowing lava under a black sky.
Shmuel is now rather concerned.
The doors close with a sepulchral finality, and the elevator drops.
“Hell, all Christians out.”
The door opens, and Shmuel can see nothing but flames in front of the door. He can feel his skin blisters from the heat even as he pushes himself against the back of the elevator.
As the doors close, Shmuel is now terrified.
“Hell, all Jews out.
The doors open, Shmuel feels a cool breeze on his face. He sees lush, green rolling hills. He smells citrus in the air.
Shmuel is stunned. To no one in particular, he says, “But ……… I thought it would be worse!”
The elevator operator looks up, and says, “It was. You cannot believe what they can do with irrigation.
Perhaps we should all spend some more time irrigating.
Deep Thought
Never buy gribnitz from a mohel.
The Daily Show is the Best Financial Journalism Operation on TV
Case in point, their examination of the corruption amongst the ratings agencies:
Time to add John Oliver to my list of People I Do Not Want to Piss Off.
H/t Matt Taibbi.
It’s April First
So I guess that I should make a joke.
I considered announcing that, because of gay marriage, my wife and I were getting divorced, but it seemed sort of cliched.
Then I considered reporting a prank in Pisa, Italy, where some mischievous supporters of Beppe Grillo’s party used large Mylar mirrors to create the illusion that the Leaning Tower vertical, thereby setting a prank withing a prank, but I’ve decided that one day, I will go to Italy, and actually do this.
So, no jokes, just news ……… At least as I can best determine.
The difference between reality and The Onion is sometimes quite subtle.
This is Such a Bummer
Deep Thought
As I won’t through the scanner at the airport security check point, I had to hold my hands above my head and together, making a letter”A”.
I was REALLY tempted to start with the hand symbols for “Y”, “M”. and “C”, but I didn’t.
I figured that my homage to the Village People result in a strip search.
Posted via mobile.
Deep Thought
H/t JR at the Stellarparthenon BBS.
The Euro Crisis in 2 Minutes and 37 Seconds
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Clarke and Dawe, like Stewart and Colbert, show that the only truth tellers out there are the comedians.
What the F%$#
OK, I was just watching The Daily Show, and Jon Stewart said sh%$.
This wouldn’t be unusual, except for the fact that they didn’t bleep him.
They didn’t bleep him a lot, and they didn’t bleep Pink in her song.
When did the word sh%$ stop being bleeped on Comedy Central?